199 Steps to Love

by Pauline George

  By the time Lucy had eaten and cleared away, it was still early. She sat by the fire she’d switched on earlier and watched the TV. It didn’t hold her interest and so she retrieved her journal from the overnight bag and her pen. She sat at the table to try to write something. But that proved just as fruitless as she could think of nothing that warranted a page, or even a sentence. Plus she’d already decided she wasn’t going to bother. She looked again at the TV and finally switched it off, deciding it would have no more of her time.

  Feeling more and more restless Lucy went over to the table and picked up the novel Jamie had secreted in her bag. Lucy sat back down by the fire, curled her legs under her, opened the book and started to read. It was nearly nine o’clock when Lucy put the half-read book down to go to the kitchen and grab a glass of wine.

  Who’d have thought there would be lesbian novels? But then, why shouldn’t there be? I suppose I’ve never given it much thought, until now.

  Lucy took her wine back into the lounge and settled down to finish the book. She found it to be very good and she didn’t know why that surprised her.

  The story line was similar to what was happening to her, in that one of the women had been married before realising she was gay. However in this situation the out gay woman didn’t push her away, didn’t tell her to go and find herself and see what it was like out of the closet.

  Lucy still couldn’t understand why Jamie had done that to her. But then she put herself in Jamie's position and it was easy to understand how she was feeling. Lucy was fairly newly divorced and now ready to embark on another relationship. But she wanted that to be with a woman rather than a man. She guessed it would be hard to accept that someone who had been married for that length of time, and had a thirty-two-year-old daughter, would suddenly turn into a lesbian. Lucy had to admit if she was Jamie she would be quite sceptical at the strange turn of events. She knew she wouldn’t feel comfortable if the situation were reversed. That the person concerned had only experienced a relationship with one woman. While Lucy didn’t have a problem with it, she knew Jamie did. Also she was probably more worried about being left for a man than she was for another woman. Lucy could certainly understand Jamie's concerns about that too. She was just opening her heart up after the death of her long term partner. And while nothing in life is a certainty, Jamie could at least try and take out some of that uncertainty by pushing Lucy away.

  Well there was nothing she could do about it now. She would do what Jamie suggested and explore what it was she really wanted.

  THE REST OF Lucy’s holiday passed by fairly quickly. She filled her days with activities, spending most of the time hiking, which tired her out so she would sleep well. Lucy re-read the lesbian novel and enjoyed it just as much the second time around. She made a note of the author for when she got home. Her intention was to do some research on the internet. If Jamie wanted her to find herself, then that was what she would do. Lucy wanted to find out more about the world she was now going to be a part of. After her initial shock when Jamie had made love to her and she ran off, Lucy was still amazed at how she was dealing with all of what was happening to her. She wondered if it was any different if you were sixteen compared to sixty. Being younger would have as many problems as finding out when you’re older. Lucy thought her mature years allowed her to rationalise and accept it more easily. But then being young they didn’t care. They thought everyone should accept them no matter what. Maybe they were right. Maybe it depended on the individual person as to the coping mechanism. Lucy had absolutely no idea.

  What Lucy did know was a feeling of living in limbo all these years and now being re-awakened. Her sex drive had become her sex overdrive. Not that she was complaining, but she now wasn’t satisfied with taking care of herself in that respect. Having Jamie make love to her she realised how empty it was when she tried to satisfy herself. All she got was the release and then the loneliness of actually being on her own. She really missed Jamie. Or perhaps she missed being with a woman and not just Jamie.

  Now the real Lucy had been released, she could see what Jamie’s words meant. That she wanted Lucy to be sure of her feelings of who she was before anything could happen between them. Jamie was probably thinking—

  Lucy shook her head. She had no idea what Jamie was thinking.

  LUCY’S BIRTHDAY ARRIVED without fanfare, but at least it was a beautiful sunny day. She decided to spend it with her camera at the Abbey. She couldn’t seem to get enough of it. The time ran away with her as she was so involved with taking pictures

  She’d bought a sirloin steak from the butcher to treat herself to a nice meal that evening. Lucy had bought a bottle of cabernet sauvignon when she’d first arrived, which she knew would go with it. She had hoped Jamie would be sharing her birthday with her, and was disappointed things had turned out the way they had.

  Thursday 20th September

  Happy birthday to me, and I hope I have many more of them. What a way to spend it, all on my own. Why did Jamie have to go away? If only I’d told her what day my birthday was, maybe she would have stayed. I don’t know why the hell I’m back writing in here again. Maybe I need to put down on paper how I feel. I guess I’m hoping writing it will be cathartic and I’ll be able to exorcise these maudlin thoughts. Oh boy, do I need some wine.

  Lucy laid her pen down and got up to get herself some wine. She wanted to drown her sorrows. She couldn’t understand why she was feeling this way. It wasn’t as if Jamie had promised her anything, and they had only just met, so what was the problem? Maybe it was the fact that Jamie was her first lesbian liaison. She could hardly call it a relationship. That was probably why she told Lucy to check out the gay scene when she got back to London. Lucy liked Jamie a lot, so why could she want to go with someone else.

  She drank some more wine, and realised she had downed the whole glass in a very short space of time. If she didn’t slow down she’d be too sozzled to cook the lovely steak. But then she didn’t care as it was only her eating it.

  Lucy poured another glass, took a large gulp but then put it on the table and went into the kitchen to prepare her solo celebration meal. The more she thought about it the more it became obvious, Jamie was making an excuse to get away from her.

  So Lucy spent a very solitary birthday, eating her steak dinner, washed down with more wine than was sensible.

  She climbed the stairs to her bedroom managing not to fall back down, although she did bump the wall several times.

  “That’ll teach you to drink a whole bottle of wine yourself, you wuss,” She said to her reflection in the dressing table mirror. “Still at least I’ll be a cheap date.”

  Lucy giggled as she dropped face down onto her bed and promptly fell asleep.

  It was gone nine in the morning before she resurfaced, feeling more than a little sorry for herself. Her clothes were rumpled from sleeping in them and she was sure her hair was all over the place. Lucy dragged her slightly hung-over body into the bathroom. She avoided the mirror, afraid of how bad she must look. She had a lengthy hot shower and cleaned her teeth.

  Back in the land of the living she got dressed and went downstairs to make some much needed coffee.

  It was her last day in Whitby. She hated it when a holiday came to an end, but it couldn’t last forever. It only seemed like yesterday she was unpacking on her first day.

  Lucy was tempted to go by the gallery, but knowing Jamie wasn’t there she decided against it. She could, of course, talk to Selena and try to find out if she thought Jamie was interested in her. She wouldn’t do that and mentally told herself to grow up.

  She finished the remains of her coffee and took herself off for a final look around Whitby, the beach and the busy harbour.

  Before she knew it Friday night arrived. Time to pack the car for her early morning return to her real home. She wasn’t looking forward to going back as she knew she was going to miss Whitby and a certain gallery owner. Even if Lucy decided things wouldn’t work out romantica
lly between her and Jamie, she hoped she’d made a friend. Lucy was sure she’d come back to Whitby in the future, just not sure under what circumstance.

  IT WAS STILL dark when Lucy was woken by her alarm. She showered and dressed quickly as it was quite chilly in the mornings now. In the kitchen Lucy set the coffee machine going and cleared the cupboards and work surfaces of all the things she was taking with her. She toasted the last two slices of bread and sat and ate them while drinking her coffee.

  She washed up and put everything back the way she’d found it when she arrived two weeks ago.

  She felt quite sad at leaving. She’d enjoyed her stay. She just wished Jamie could have been there for her second week.

  Lucy did a final walk through to make sure she’d left nothing behind, picked up her well-packaged picture and put it in the car. She locked up, put the keys in the key safe and rolled the numbers around so it was secure. With a last look she got in the car and started her long journey back home.

  The more Lucy thought about Jamie’s sudden holiday, the more she was sure that it was probably a ruse Jamie had used to protect the both of them from getting hurt. Lucy knew she could have gone to the gallery and spoken to Selena, but she also knew Selena wouldn’t have told her anything.

  As she drove home Lucy mulled over what she would do about her new situation. She wondered if she should tell anyone. There was no one really close to her that she could talk to about this. But that wasn’t strictly true.

  Lucy thought about her best friend Vanessa. They’d known each other since they were at infant’s school together, or year one as it was now known.

  “My god, that was almost fifty-seven years ago,” she said aloud.

  Although they were very good friends, they didn’t live in each other’s pockets, sometimes not seeing each other for a year, but when they met up it was as if they’d only been apart for a day or two. Lucy vowed to ring Vanessa for a long overdue catch up.

  Chapter Ten

  IT WAS AFTER mid-day when Lucy arrived home, tired and ready for a drink. She decided to see if Alexi was free to join her.

  “Hi, it’s Mum. I’ve just got home and wondered if you and David fancied a drink. I need to unwind,” Lucy said, when Alexi answered the phone.

  “I’d love to, Mum. David’s gone horse racing with Andy, so I’m all yours.”

  “Great, how about going to the pub near you?”

  “Okay. What time shall I see you there?”

  “I’ll need a bit of time to freshen up, so let’s say one-thirty.”

  “One-thirty it is.”

  Lucy put the phone back in its charger, unpacked the car and had a quick shower. She put on a light-weight pastel green jumper and a pair of loose beige linen trousers.

  She felt better for it and didn’t look as if she’d travelled three hundred miles and been up since five that morning.

  With a feeling of well-being, Lucy got in the car to drive the short distance to the pub. Had she not been so tired she would have walked instead.

  Lucy found Alexi already there and sitting at a table by the window.

  “Hi, love,” Lucy said as she walked up to her.

  Alexi got up and the two hugged a greeting.

  “Hi, Mum, you look great. The Yorkshire air agrees with you, or is it a Yorkshire lass?” Alexi asked, a twinkle in her eye.

  Lucy didn’t answer but her face held a sad expression.

  “Sit down, Mum, I’ll get you a drink. What do you want?”

  “A small white wine, please, love.”

  Alexi went to the bar and Lucy sat staring out of the window, wondering what was making her so sad. In reality, she knew it was Jamie, and she sighed in resignation.

  “That was a big sigh. Tell me what’s going on in that head of yours.” Alexi sat down after placing Lucy’s wine on the table. Lucy took a sip, which gave her time to think about what she was going to say.

  “Jamie rushed off on holiday for my second week, so I didn’t see her at all.”

  “When you say rushed, was it planned and she forgot or—”

  “I got the impression it wasn’t planned. It was more an excuse not to see me.”

  “Why on earth would she do that? I thought you said you both got on really well?”

  “Yes, that’s what I thought.” Lucy took another sip of her drink and then launched into the full story, leaving out the details that Alexi didn’t need to know.

  “Okay, I know you’re leaving out the best bits,” Alexi said, and grinned.

  “Yes, and they will stay left out, daughter dear. There’re some things you don’t need to know about me.”

  “Oh you may think so, but I’ll get details later. I have my ways.”

  “Mmm, I expect you do.”

  “Seriously though, Mum, I can see what Jamie was getting at. She doesn’t want you to base any decisions solely on what was really only a holiday romance. Decisions that both of you may regret.”

  “I know, and the more I think about it the more I realise she’s right. But it’s not going to be easy at sixty-two going out on the scene, as us lesbians like to say.”

  “You seem well-adjusted to being a lesbian if you can talk about it like that,” Alexi remarked.

  “I do but I worry that the other shoe is going to drop, but so far it hasn’t.”

  “Do you think that’s a possibility?”

  “Yes I do, but on the other hand it just feels so right. Maybe finding out this late in life has its benefits.”

  “I suppose it does.”

  “It’s as if something has been missing all this time, the final bit of the puzzle has finally been found and I know who I am.”

  “Do you wish you’d known sooner?”

  “No, because I wouldn’t have had you. I had a great life with your dad, despite it not being the passionate love I wanted. But then at the time I didn’t know any different so it was easy to settle.”

  “Now you’ve tasted the passion, you want more?”

  “You’ve no idea how much more I want to have. I thought I’d have it with Jamie, but it’s obviously not meant to be.”

  “So she wants you to get a gay life?”

  They looked at each other and laughed.

  “Yes, I think that’s what she was suggesting.”

  “I’ve got to say, Mum, I agree with her. Now hear me out,” Alexi said, forestalling Lucy’s interruption. “She obviously likes you and maybe would have seen where things led if you weren’t newly out of the closet. But logically it would be hard for her to trust your feelings for her at the moment.”

  “I know and I do get what she was saying, but I really enjoyed being with her.”

  “I can tell that, but put yourself in her shoes, and see how you would feel. Could you be strong enough to risk your heart for someone like you, who has no idea what it’s like to be out? Imagine the first time she took you to a gay bar. What if you freaked out and jumped right back into the closet?”

  Lucy thought about what Alexi said.

  “You’re right, of course. I would be sceptical of someone who’s just come out, and was almost professing undying love at the same time,” Lucy said, losing herself in thought.

  Lucy was glad she had such a good relationship with Alexi. She was so easy to talk to, especially about this. God knows what she would have done had Alexi told her she never wanted to see her again.

  “First loves have been known to work.” She spoke her thoughts out loud and looked a little embarrassed.

  “Who are you trying to convince, me or you?”

  “Both if I’m honest. I suppose I want the best of both worlds. I want to skip past the checking out the gay life and go straight to winning the girl.”

  “Life’s not that simple, and anything worth having has to be worked for. You taught me that.”

  “Yes, I know. I’m not sure who is the mother and who is the daughter here.”

  “Sorry, but I learnt from the master, or should I say mistress?”


  “I may not like what you’re saying, but it does have merit,” Lucy said. “It would be like letting someone drive a car on their own after only one lesson.”

  Alexi laughed. “I wonder sometimes if that doesn’t happen already.”

  “Shall I set you up then, Mum?”

  Lucy nearly choked on her drink and had to wait a few moments before she could speak.

  “Alexi, please warn me next time you’re going to crack a joke.”

  “No joke. I can if you want me to.”

  “Alexi, I cannot believe you’d think I’d want you to set me up on a date,” Lucy said, and finished her wine. “Do you want another drink?”

  “Same again please.”

  Lucy went to the bar to get Alexi’s wine and an orange juice, remembering she was driving. As she waited for the drinks she thought about what Alexi suggested. At first Lucy was aghast at the idea, but on reflection it wasn’t such a bad one. To be truthful she hadn’t a clue where she would go to meet other lesbians, without going to a club. She’d never been one for them when she was younger, and at sixty-two she wasn’t really willing to put herself in that situation, clubbing with lots of probably very young women. There had to be other places she could meet women with the same proclivities. She would need to do some serious research on this. She knew she wasn’t the only older gay woman in the world, so there had to be clubs for them or something.

  Lucy took the drinks back to the table and gave Alexi a long look.

  “What?”

  “You’re right, it’s not a joke and I don’t know the first thing about meeting other like-minded women. Jamie was also right wasn’t she? I do need to get a gay life.”

  “Yes. You do need to go out and meet other women, even if it’s just to build up a network of new friends. You don’t have to sleep with anyone, although I’m sure you’ll probably do that as well.”

  “I can’t believe I’m having this conversation with my daughter.”