by Kami Kinard
Bedtime. Finally. It has been the longest day of my life. (But I feel better now.)
I guess I still looked pretty depressed during dinner, so Mom came to my room afterward. She sat on my bed and gave me the usual pep talk. It started with “Kara, you’re better than that Colleen” and ended with “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.”
Of course, making lemonade out of lemons is not all that hard. But what are you supposed to do when life gives you a big white adult-size diaper?
This was the question I pondered (new vocab word) after Mom left and I lay on my bed staring at the Depend diaper on my desk. And then it hit me. I never should have tried to stuff that thing in my book bag! I never should have acted ashamed, because shame is what girls like Maybelline feed on!
Suddenly, I knew what to do. I combined Mom’s “make lemonade” advice with her “a little fringe can dress up anything” philosophy. I grabbed the Depend and headed down to Mom’s craft corner.
Knowing that duct tape is, like, the strongest substance on earth and that people use it to make everything from baseball caps to miniskirts, I figured I could use it to transform the Depend underwear into something cool. (Actually, the strongest thing on earth is a spiderweb or something crazy like that. We learned it in science, but I forgot the details after the test.)
Two hours later, I had created what I now call the Gotta-Go-on-the-Go Bag. It has a black and red braided duct-tape handle, black duct-tape fringe across the bottom, and a red duct-tape flap over the top. The only clue that my stylin’ new bag was once a garment at the very bottom of the fashion food chain is a wide swath of the white Depend material that I left visible in the front center. I did this to show that I AM NOT ASHAMED!
Friday, February 23
Sixth period
“Cool bag,” said Tabbi when I walked onto campus. Then she did what she always does when I get something new. She snatched it and started examining it as if it were hers.
“Wait,” she said, running her hand over the white patch in front. “You didn’t.”
I nodded.
Then Tabbi laughed. Really loudly. She grabbed James’s arm and doubled over.
James asked, “What’s so funny, babe?” Babe! Cringe! But he laughed, too, when Tabs finally spit it out.
In the end a little group formed around me, which I’m sure shocked Maybelline. The Gotta-Go Bag was passed around and everyone seemed to like it.
Anna Johnstone even suggested I start a crafts blog!
“You totally should,” agreed Tabbi. “You’re so good with crafts! Remember that bracelet you made out of game pieces? You can transform any old thing into something beautiful!”
Hmmm. Maybe I should start a blog. If I’m willing to show the school that I AM NOT ASHAMED, why not show the world?
When Tabbi finished laughing, which was after the bell rang, BTW, she asked me to make her a bag, too. She says she’ll carry it to show her support! Even better, on the way out of band, Malcolm (who I thought was off-limits forever) said, “Cool bag. Where’d you get it?”
When I told him I’d made it, he said he’d pay me to make him a backpack out of duct tape!
The fact that Malcolm actually noticed my handiwork makes me wonder if I misjudged him earlier. Maybe he was just joking about the gum wrapper. Maybe he had some wadded-up tissues in his pocket at the time. Maybe guys just think stuff like that is funny. Hmmm. How can I figure this out?
After school
Lyle was hanging out at our house watching TV in the basement with Julie this afternoon, and he saw me over in Mom’s craft corner making the duct-tape backpack for Malcolm. He left Julie sitting on the sofa, walked over, and picked up the pack. “The way you’ve woven the black and silver tape together is cool,” he said. “It looks like a chessboard. What else can you make?”
“Almost anything,” I said. “When I was looking for backpack patterns, I saw all kinds of stuff — wallets, hammocks, and even prom dresses made out of duct tape. Malcolm Maxwell is paying me to make this pack.”
Julie turned off the TV and joined us. “Ooooh. How much are you gonna charge?” she asked. “I’d ask at least thirty bucks. You can’t buy anything good for less than thirty.”
“How much for a wallet, Kara?” asked Lyle.
“I could probably do two of those for thirty dollars, since they don’t use much tape.”
“Sold,” said Lyle. “One for me and one for Phillip.”
When they were heading upstairs, I heard Lyle say, “Your kid sister is pretty cool.”
Cha-ching! Two sales in one day. Even better — one of the cutest boys in town just called me “pretty cool.” I don’t care if he is dating my sister. It’s still a massive compliment.
You know, Lyle is so nice. And Julie is so happy. I really hope that Lyle is Julie’s one and only true soul mate! He’d make a great brother-in-law.
So I may not have found a soul mate yet, but at least I found out what to do when life hands you a giant diaper: cover it with duct tape and sell it for thirty bucks!
Saturday, February 24
Afternoon
Being the BFF of someone with a BF and the sister of someone with a BF and even the enemy of someone with a BF, I found myself alone again on the weekend. Big surprise. I was moping around about it, too. You know, sighing and shutting doors loudly in a way that says, Somebody ask me what’s wrong, but if you do, I’m going to say “nothing” until you ask me at least two more times.
Mercifully, Julie asked me what was wrong three times. I told her. Her answer was somewhat unmerciful.
“Well, you’re not going to change that by hanging around here. You need to get yourself out there, Kara!”
I told her that was easy for her to say since she was apparently perfect and had a boyfriend, besides. This did not move the conversation forward.
“Fine,” said Julie. “Don’t take my advice.” Then she went for a “quick run,” which was pretty much her only option for avoiding me completely since I kinda promised my feet they’d never have to see the insides of my seventy-eight-dollar running shoes again.
I sighed a few more times, but to no avail. Mom and Dad are masters of ignoring pleas for attention. Which doesn’t make sense, when you think about it. I mean, why have kids if you don’t want to give attention to someone you gave life itself (and frizzy-haired, hazel-eyed genes)?
But even though I didn’t like it, I did think about Julie’s advice. Maybe I should get myself out there. And what better way to do that than to do what Anna and Tabbi suggested? Which is why I spent the rest of the morning creating my very own crafts blog!
While she’s a master at ignoring pleas for attention, Mom didn’t seem to mind helping me sign up for a Wordpress account at all. I came up with a cute name, took a bunch of pictures of the crafts I’ve already made, typed up directions, and uploaded them into a blog. It was easy! And fun! It’s kinda great that now when I make something cool, I can show the world.
I need to post the URL for my new blog on Faceplace so the world, or at least my FP friends, can see that I am out there!
Here’s my blog’s home page:
Sunday, February 25
Bedtime
Logged on to FP tonight and guess what — 415 chicks and 238 dudes have taken my surveys. Awesome. And my results go right along with Bebe’s tip this week. It still looks like confidence is a quality admired by both guys and girls.
To: Kara M
From: BebeTruelove
Subject: Tip #7
Dear Soul Mate Seeker,
Your confidence will send the message that you’re someone great to be with!
Tip #7: Be confident!
Good Luck in Love,
Bebe
Try Mirror-Me-Gorg
eous!
A peek into this mirror with golden overtones will give you the confidence you need before heading out! Need a boost while in a crowd? Get the compact-sized Mini-Me-Gorgeous free when you click here to order now.
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(Must be 18 years of age to order.)
Oh, and my crafts blog already got a few hits, too. Hello, universe!
Monday, February 26
Third period
Today in English we had to write a descriptive paragraph about someone in the room. Then Mrs. Hill collected the papers and read the paragraphs aloud so we could guess who was being described.
The problem with the assignment was that Mrs. Hill didn’t tell us ahead of time that our paragraphs would be read aloud. So even though she kept the authors anonymous, there was a lot of giggling and a few uncomfortable moments when our words were broadcast to the entire room. One of these uncomfortable moments occurred when Mrs. Hill read a paragraph that started like this:
“This person is pretty.”
“Colleen!” yelled Maybelline.
“No interrupting!” snapped Mrs. Hill without smiling. But I think I detected a smile when she read the next sentence.
“Her hair has beautiful curls.” (Everyone giggled except maybe Maybelline and The Sponge, because Maybelline’s hair is ruler-straight.)
“She’s very nice and she likes to read. She’s funny and has a fantastic smile, especially when she laughs. She’s also one of the most creative people I’ve ever known. She can make anything out of duct tape.” (Now my face was burning.)
“Kara!” yelled practically everyone. Well, everyone but me and Maybelline. (I heard her mumble, “Kara’s not pretty!”)
I didn’t care though. Because while it is embarrassing to hear stuff read about yourself, I have to admit it’s also flattering. I canvassed the room and noticed Chip bending over, acting like he was tying his shoe. I could see that the back of his neck was Coca-Cola-logo red, so I know he’s the one who wrote it. And I know that I don’t mind that he was.
Tuesday, February 27
After my date. That’s right. My date.
Horror of horrors and pinnacle of bad timing! After school, Julie barged into my room (I don’t even bother locking the door anymore) and said, “Hey! Lyle and I are setting you up with Phillip. We’ll double-date!”
“No,” I said. “No way. I’m not going out with Lyle’s brother.”
“Got any better offers?”
“Not yet. But I might soon,” I said, thinking of Chip. “Besides, if I was meant to be with Phil, I think I’d know that by now.”
“You never know,” said Julie, which kind of annoyed me because that’s my catchphrase and it’s really hard to find an argument against your own mantra. But I tried anyway.
“This is mortifying!” I yelled. “If Phillip wanted to ask me out, he’d have done it himself. It’s like a sympathy date. And a sympathy date is worse than no date!”
“Look,” she said. “We’re going. It’s the movies, not your wedding. Get over it.”
“You look,” I said. “I think I like someone else. If he finds out I went out with Phillip, it might make him back off.”
“Fine,” said Julie, tossing her ponytail. “Want out of the date? Call Phillip and break it.” Julie won. She knew I’d never make that call.
And that is how I came to have my first real date ever and to gather enough information about Phillip to realize that he’s not and never will be my soul mate.
The guys picked us up in Lyle’s used Volvo. I sat in the back with Phillip. He said, “Hi,” and started looking out the window. Meanwhile, I was using all of my powers of concentration to will Chip to not be at the movies that night.
The film, which was supposed to be a comedy, was completely stupid. It was about four guys from this decade getting stuck fifty years in the past. The plot involved a lot of falling, getting stuck, and dressing like women to get out of awkward situations. It was the least romantic movie ever made, but that didn’t keep Lyle and Julie from taking advantage of the darker moments to kiss!
Almost as soon as we got back in the car, Phillip got a text message. So he started texting someone while Julie carried on a fake-cheerful conversation about the movie. When we got to my house (Phillip still texting), I said thanks and ran inside because even if you’re not really interested in a guy, and even if you truly find him boring, there’s nothing worse than being ignored on a date.
Midnight
I can’t sleep. Maybe it’s because — in a way — things have gotten more exciting for me. I mean, I’ve had my first date. (Even if it was a bummer.) I’ve had my first kiss. (Even if it was a bummer.) And I’ve even been written about! So despite the fact that I’m still just as boyfriendless as always, it seems like I’m getting closer to my goal. I decided to pull out my list again and see how the guys who gave me my first date, my first kiss, and my first descriptive paragraph rated.
I rewrote “The Perfect Soul Mate: A List (Revised)” as a list of questions so I’d have a clear picture of positive and negative responses.
Just to get a clear visual of how these guys stack up (and because I still wasn’t tired), I created a bar graph.
I ended up having to eliminate question number nine completely. Because how can I tell if any of these guys are going to “be there no matter what”? Most guys my age can’t even tell you what their plans for the weekend are, never mind the rest of their lives. It seems like you’d have to know someone an awfully long time to be able to answer that question.
I guess I’d like to know that someday I’ll find that “one person in the world who understands me completely and shares my hopes and dreams.” Who wouldn’t want that? And when I find him, I definitely want to be assured that he’ll be there no matter what. That seems like a quality you’d just have to have in a soul mate.
So I looked at the bar graph again and asked myself two questions.
Q #1: After evaluating the data collected, can I tell who will be my soul mate?
A: No!
Q #2: After evaluating the data collected, can I tell who I would like to go out with?
A: Yes!
This led me to the following conclusion: I am too young to try to find my one and only soul mate! Does that mean I’m giving up this experiment?
No. Just going back to where I started.
Wednesday, February 28
Fourth period
Sooooooo . . . one evening with me, and Phillip Bernard asked someone else out. It makes me feel somewhat better to know that I’d already decided he wasn’t a good candidate for the title of Kara’s First Boyfriend. But still. It’s like I drove him into her arms. Rumor has it that he and Anna Johnstone are now an item. I believe that rumor because Anna and Phillip were obviously holding hands under the table at lunch, even though Anna was looking down the whole time like she was embarrassed.
I like Anna. She’s pretty but also very shy. As far as I know, she’s only had one other boyfriend, Alex L, for a few days last year. It’s easy not to notice her. But I guess Phillip did. It makes sense for two attractive, nice, and quiet (translation: boring) people to be together. Still, I can’t help being embarrassed, because Anna and I have always been kind of level two friends. Not like me and Tabbi, but we do things together once in a while.
My brain is full of questions: Was it Anna who sent Phillip that post-movie text? Will her opinion of me change if she finds out about my “date” with her new boyfriend? Did Phillip ask out Anna the minute he finished his date with me? Maybe he even did it during the date. Maybe that’s what the texting was about. Can anything be more humiliating than that?????!!!!
Part of me is happy that someone as nice as Anna found someone like Phillip to be with . . . but part of me wonders . . . why can’t I?????
A
fter school. Cloud nine.
My cell rang as soon as I flopped down on my fluffy white rug. It was Tabs. That girl has perfect timing. We had a wild conversation.
Tabs: I hope Evan will ask me to the spring dance.
Me: (Gulp! Deep breath) EVAN!!!???
Tabs: I just really believe that he’s “the one.” I know he’s done some rotten things, but you’re supposed to forgive people you truly love and I’m ready to forgive Evan.
Me: You’re too good for him, Tabs.
Tabs: Just because he made some mistakes doesn’t mean he’s not a great person. I think he’s sorry, I really do. That’s why he tried to kiss you.
Me: Tabs —
Tabs: He had to know you’d tell me and he knew it’d make me jealous.
Me: Yeah. But you have a boyfriend. Evan won’t ask you to the dance as long as you’re dating James.
Tabs: Evan had a girlfriend when Maybelline asked him to the dance and he said yes.
Me: Point taken. But why not make yourself more available by breaking up with James?
Tabs: Because (Tabbi sounded exasperated), I don’t want to be alone.
I got off of the phone ASAP after that comment! Being alone isn’t that bad!
P.S. Okay, I guess having a boyfriend you really like is better than being alone. Then again, how would I know?
Thursday, March 1
Lunch
I can’t believe that a real live person of the opposite sex has finally asked me out (without being forced) and it’s someone who’s totally off-limits. Evan just now caught up with me as I was entering the cafeteria and asked me to the spring dance. This falls into the “Be careful what you wish for: It might come true” category. I’m hoping, for Tabbi’s sake, that she doesn’t find out because she’ll talk herself into thinking it’s another sign that he wants her back, which I know for a fact is absolutely not the case. Here’s what he said when I suggested he ask Tabbi instead: