The Alone Alternative

by Linda MacDonald

  ‘I can’t imagine not coming home – to here.’

  ‘I intend to sell soon anyway. It’s too full of reminders and it’s too big for me.’

  ‘What about me?’ Holly’s voice wavers and she sniffs. Her eyes begin to fill.

  ‘Wherever I am, I’ll make sure there’s a room for you, but you have your own life now. In any case, we’re rushing ahead. There is no “me and Edward”, merely a possibility; something we are thinking about. I don’t know if he wants a serious relationship with me. I don’t think he knows either.’

  Holly unclasps her hands, wipes her eyes with a tissue and sits back in the chair. ‘I do like Edward. I can think of worse men. At least I know he wouldn’t fleece you or drink your money away in some disreputable bar. I was sorry when he stopped lodging; when we stopped seeing him.’

  For several years Marianne kept up the pretence that she was still in touch with Edward by email and that his leaving was to do with his job. As time went by, Holly and Johnny asked less and less frequently about how he was and what he was doing. As far as they were concerned, there had never been any parting of the ways.

  Marianne says, ‘It’s been a very difficult year. I’ve been lonely – what with you away too. I haven’t lived on my own since I was in my early twenties. Younger than you.’

  ‘I come as often as I can.’

  Marianne thinks Holly could come more often and that she could stay overnight like she used to do instead of making a round trip in a day. Since Johnny died it is as though she can’t bear to stay in the house. ‘You and Dad and my job took up my world. I didn’t need much else so I didn’t build many other local friendship networks. Most of my closest friends live elsewhere.’

  ‘Sasha’s in London,’ says Holly. Sasha was Marianne’s best friend at school.

  ‘Sasha lives on the other side of the river. Last time I spoke to her, she said she was seeing Sam again. Her silence would suggest romance in the air.’ Since divorcing her husband, Sasha had been out with a couple of high-profile figures in the legal world and also tried internet dating. It is interesting that she should eventually turn back to her first true love.

  ‘So go to evening classes. Get out there,’ says Holly.

  ‘I expect I will in time, but it’s no substitute for a meaningful relationship.’

  ‘Auntie Taryn? Have you told her?’

  ‘Taryn has some idea of what’s going on. But no details. I’m not sure I know myself. Which is one of the reasons I didn’t say anything to you earlier.’

  Marianne wonders how she would have felt if one of her parents had taken up with someone else in midlife. Probably not happy. It was a less familiar circumstance for her generation than for subsequent ones, reconstituted families almost being the norm now, rather than the exception. Harriet’s positive encouragement had caused her to hope that all the children would feel the same way.

  ‘You should think carefully about change at your age,’ says Holly.

  ‘Holly, love, I’m fifty-five, not seventy. And I’ve waited for over a year, maintaining the status quo. I’ve not made any changes since Dad died. But now is the time to think of the future. I’m not sure if I want another relationship, but nor am I attracted by the prospect of spending the next fifteen years alone if there is an option. And I don’t mean any old option, but an option that would make me happy.’

  ‘And is Edward that option?’

  ‘That remains to be seen. We’re both hurting from what happened with Felicity and your Dad. Different reasons. He’s less trusting and I’m still grieving. It might be enough to be friends, but what if one of us wants more and someone else comes into the picture? It would be easy to miss out and have regrets.’ Images of Jessica float into her mind.

  ‘Okay,’ says Holly. ‘I’ll try to get my head round it.’

  ‘Always supposing there is an “it”.’

  After a traditional roast chicken dinner, during which Marianne listens to Holly’s news about a new boyfriend called Will who seems to have more potential than some, she presents her with a signed copy of Lydia. ‘I know you know some of it is based on fact, but most of it is fiction. It’s best you think of it that way should you decide to read it.’

  ‘I don’t think I will read it just yet. I’m a bit scared. I’ll wait until you’ve had some feedback from other people. You don’t mind, do you?’

  ‘I understand completely.’

  Holly leaves at five and Marianne is about to check her lessons are organised for the next day when the phone rings. Although Edward seldom phones her, she always hopes. But once again she is met with silence. Except it isn’t quite silence. As she listens, she can hear the twittering of birds in the background.

  Caged birds.

  No one speaks. For over a minute Marianne listens to the twittering, trying to visualise the scene. A picture of a room comes into view: a room with a cage on a stand. A Hitchcockian thought occurs. She rests the phone on the table and goes to prepare supper. When she returns, whoever it was has hung up.

  After she has eaten, she goes upstairs to the computer to mail Edward.

  To: Edward Harvey

  From: Marianne Hayward

  Date: 13th May 2012, 19.33

  Subject: Holly

  Dear Edward,

  Had a visit from Holly today. Thought I had better fill her in. When I visited you I told her I was seeing an old friend. She assumed someone from college. She is still very upset about Johnny so finds the thought of my ‘seeing’ anyone else very difficult.

  Very busy at work with exam prep. It is weird knowing it is the last time I will be doing this.

  Signing at the bookshop was interesting but fairly quiet. No queues! The marketing aspect is going to be trickier than I thought.

  Have been getting a few nuisance calls in the past couple of weeks. Today I could hear birds twittering in the background. I remember seeing a cage with a scarf over it at Jessica’s party. Could it be her? I know she resents me.

  love,

  Mari

  She doesn’t tell Edward about the hostile exchanges with Olivia at the party and in the post office. If he knew what had been said, he might have been more inclined to think there was a connection. As it is, his reply appears to be an attempt to reassure.

  To: Marianne Hayward

  From: Edward Harvey

  Date: 13th May 2012, 21.20

  Subject: Re: Holly

  Dear Mari,

  Phone calls: Sorry to hear but I can’t believe Jessica would be malicious. How would she know your number?

  Signing: It’s very early days.

  Holly: Ditto

  Have had a couple of chats with Patrick. Because of the drought and now all this rain, there’s more urgency to push things forward with the filming. Bookings have been made for the Scilly trip in early September. He would like to see us both next month. Are you free on Friday 8th June – end of half-term?

  Missed you these past weekends …

  love,

  Edward x

  *

  To: Edward Harvey

  From: Marianne Hayward

  Date: 14th May 2012, 19.21

  Subject: Re: Patrick

  Dear Edward,

  I can be free. Are you staying over as before? Would you like to stay into the weekend?

  Phone numbers are probably quite easy to track down. I have a large social networking presence – because of the book.

  Missed you too – a little.

  Mari x

  She wonders if Taryn’s rules would say she was being too eager, arranging her weekend around Edward. But with a long-distance relationship and this professional complication with Patrick, she considers that playing the unavailability card would be counter-productive.

  To: Marianne Hayward

  From: Edward Harvey

  Date: 14th May 2012, 22.36

  Subject: Re: Patrick

  Would be pleased to stay over Thurs night but sadly have to return to Devon on Frid
ay as James and Kate just announced coming down. Will phone you re trains.

  If you continue to be troubled by calls, put a block on the number. Will explain when we speak.

  Edward

  She is disappointed he can’t stay longer, but elated that they will meet again soon. She starts to think about what she will wear, what they might eat, what she will say, where they could go, what they might do on this one precious evening. Some of it is fantasy, the doing bit. She experiments again with the vision of him coming to her room at night, whispering the sweetest nothings on a voyage to the stars.

  But the reality is that she is less likely to venture closer to him in her own house than at the Deer Orchard. The essence of Johnny is still in the brickwork and the furnishings, a benign force, but force enough for her to save her Edward passions for another day.

  26

  Patrick

  ‘What’s your thinking re the Education Pack so far?’ says Patrick to Marianne.

  Edward has made the introductions and they are sitting round the table in Patrick’s spacious office. Marianne is wearing a smart navy dress with matching jacket. She told Edward it was her latest Parents’ Evening attire. He said there was no need to dress up for Patrick. She said first impressions were important and she wanted Patrick to take her seriously. Also, as both of them would likely be wearing suits, she didn’t want to look like someone Edward had dragged in off the street.

  ‘At primary level, it’s simple,’ she says, handing Patrick some documents in a clear plastic wallet. ‘Growing vegetables and learning how to prepare and cook them. Many schools are already doing this. The challenge will be to roll it out nationwide – and not all schools will have the facilities. Participating schools without much land will have to consider raised beds in playground areas. Much can be done with pots or even window boxes. There might also be the possibility of cultivating some common land – like the guerrilla gardeners do, but with permission. It may stretch the imagination of some teachers, but the profession is skilled in making do.’

  Patrick says, ‘If any nearby parents have a spare patch in their garden, they might be able to help.’

  ‘Good idea,’ says Marianne. ‘I’ve also suggested a House system could be employed with vegetable names. Beetroot, Parsnip, Onion … They could have sweatshirts with symbols, paid for by parents with profits towards funding for seeds. Competitions along the lines of a village show with House points for prizes and treats for the winning House. There’s lots of opportunity for creativity and experimentation. I wouldn’t want to be too prescriptive.’

  ‘Like it,’ says Patrick, casting an eye over the first of the documents. ‘Who will provide the expertise?’

  ‘Parent volunteers, and if none is skilled the school might approach a local professional to steer them in the right direction. Some people might be willing to offer their services free of charge because of the publicity.’

  ‘Or possibly local business sponsorship?’ suggests Patrick. ‘I can see much scope for enterprise.’

  ‘At secondary level there is opportunity to develop theoretical knowledge and create awareness of more complex aspects,’ says Marianne. ‘A starting point might be to examine population fluctuations in the natural world. For example, research on owls tells us much about sustainability. When voles and mice are plentiful, owls raise many owlets. The increase in numbers depletes food resources so fewer owlets survive the following year.’

  ‘This would extrapolate to human communities shut away from outside influence,’ says Patrick. ‘Much scope for biology and geography lessons.’

  Marianne nods. ‘We might ask the students questions about how we could deal with food shortages, rampant consumerism or with the ever-ageing population and lack of funds. Kids will come up with answers that we find distasteful. They are far enough away from being old to be ruthless in their suggestions.’

  ‘Like a cull, you mean?’

  ‘Possibly. Or something we haven’t yet thought. If we don’t do it, it will happen eventually by natural means.’

  ‘A woman after my own mind,’ says Patrick. ‘Was saying something similar to Ted the other week regarding deer in Scotland.’

  ‘Enantiodromia,’ says Marianne. ‘The principle of equilibrium.’

  ‘Is that Jung? Ted did mention that you have a background in psychology. We could spend much time in happy psychological discussion, Marianne. Sadly, I have another meeting in half an hour.’ Patrick’s whole attention is on her and Edward watches, interested.

  Marianne continues, ‘If you look at document three, you will see examples of cross-curricular opportunities, with input into most subjects: maths, finance, economics; certainly the population and climatology aspect of geography, if not land usage and soils; biology, of course. Also, creative writing in English language: poems, essays and such. And debating. I would like to see horticulture on the school curriculum, specifically teaching organics and sustainable methods and running alongside home economics. I believe both should be compulsory in Year Nine, with the option of a BTEC or some such at Key Stage 4.’

  ‘Radical, but am already hearing whispers that the government wants to do away with GCSEs and bring back something along the lines of O levels.’

  ‘Yet more changes for teachers to deal with – and I wouldn’t know where to start to try to influence the educationalists.’

  ‘I have connections there,’ says Patrick. ‘A dragon of a woman of a certain age called Pauline Winterford. How will you incorporate these thoughts into a workable package to go with our programme?’

  ‘With lesson suggestions for each relevant subject. Document four outlines a couple of lesson plans that could be used or adapted in maths and biology. If you feel it’s appropriate, this idea can be expanded across each relevant subject area. In the pack we could have photocopiable worksheets: gap-filling tasks, word searches, quizzes – the usual. I also have contacts – at my workplace – who could help.’

  ‘Excellent,’ says Patrick, flicking through the pages. ‘I like this idea of climate monitoring for teaching graphical techniques and percentages.’

  ‘It’s not a new idea. Having been on the receiving end of several impractical initiatives over the years, I don’t want to be responsible for creating yet another burden for teachers. I remember when IT first infiltrated the curriculum. We went on courses, re-wrote schemes, only to find the proposals unworkable in practise and abandoned after a year. I wouldn’t want that to happen.’

  ‘Exactly,’ says Patrick. ‘The people at Flying Owl are in communication with the DoE to see if we can get government funding. They won’t be successful if they can’t convince re value for money.’

  ‘Teachers are more likely to buy into this, and to be enthusiastic, if we give them a chance to take ownership by developing their own ideas and devising resources. Also, if they understand the purpose and believe it is sustainable and worth the investment of their time.’

  Patrick casts an eye over the paperwork she has given him. ‘I like what I hear and see and shall copy this for Gillian Fylde. She will be in touch. We need to work quickly on this. Much will depend on whether the DoE decides to implement the initiatives in a number of schools on a trial basis.’

  Marianne looks relieved.

  ‘I’m also thinking you might be useful on Scilly to ensure the commentary ties in with the resource packs wherever possible. What do you think, Ted?’

  Edward has been watching Marianne and listening intently, quietly impressed by her presentation skills. This is a side of her he hasn’t seen before.

  ‘What do you say, Marianne? Interested?’

  ‘I might be,’ says Marianne. ‘I wondered if there could be a short film created specifically for use in schools. It could form the stimulus for another idea I’m working on for cross-curricular primary teaching.’

  ‘Good idea. In which case, you must come. Persuade her, Ted. Always useful to have a woman on board.’

  ‘Why exactly might that be
?’ says Marianne.

  Edward detects flirtation on both sides.

  After a pause, Patrick says, ‘Useful arbitrators.’ Then he winks at Edward.

  ‘As long as I’m not cast as tea maker,’ says Marianne.

  She exchanges a glance with Edward.

  ‘Wouldn’t dare,’ says Patrick.

  Afterwards, Edward and Marianne go for a bite to eat at a coffee shop nearby.

  Marianne seems almost as excited as she was on the night of the party.

  He says, ‘I think Patrick has taken a shine to you.’

  ‘So la-di-dah,’ says Marianne. ‘Before I met you, I thought you might be like that.’

  ‘Me? La-di-dah? Good grief! Are you disappointed?’

  ‘Glad. He’s very self-important. Difficult if crossed, I’ll bet. But I like the sound of Scilly – if you wouldn’t mind me tagging along. I’ll give it serious thought.’

  ‘I would be delighted.’

  ‘Where is everyone staying?’ she asks.

  This could be tricky. ‘I’m going back to the Parsonage because Pam and Julian are a fund of information and I’m already in touch with them about whom we should talk to. They will be able to line up some interviews before we arrive. There will be a minimalist team: camera, sound, director, Patrick, me, you – if you decide to come. The others are going to Lowertown Farm. You could stay there with them … or with me.’ He searches her face.

  Implications dance in the balmy evening air.

  ‘Strings?’

  ‘No strings. Unless you’re ready for strings.’

  ‘Am I being too cautious?’

  ‘I had hoped …’

  ‘Keep hoping,’ says Marianne. ‘I’m all over the place at the moment.’

  He decides to say no more but to be pleased about hope and pleased about her considering Scilly. He has found this visit far too brief and tantalisingly unproductive with regard to moving their relationship forward. The night before, she had greeted him in much the same way as in the days when he was lodging and they had maintained the same respectful distance as on his previous visit. Nothing had been said about what happened after the party. Scilly would provide neutral territory and a perfect opportunity to establish intimacy and a way forward.