Hold On, Pain Ends

by Shyla Colt

  More than likely, his mother would sleep for the rest of the night. She always did after Chemo.

  “Nigel.”

  He stood at attention and strode through the condo to her bedroom. He stuck his head into her room and relaxed. Color had returned to her face, and her stomach appeared to have settled. “Yeah, Mom?”

  “Come. Sit,” she urged patting the bed beside her.

  He sank onto the edge and took her icy hands between his.

  They used to share the same thick, flowing blonde locks. Now, what she had a dusting of peach fuzz that covered her head. The lack of hair accentuated her drawn, pale face. Her cheekbones were sharp enough to cut glass, and her eyes were overly large in her too thin frame. His mother always reminded him of summer with her large blue-green oceanic eyes, wavy blonde hair, and tan skin. Now, she was a waif with spindly limbs and bruised eyes and skin.

  “How are you feeling Mom?” he asked softly.

  “I’m tired, Nigel.” Her voice was scratchy, and her eyes were heavy lidded. Even her eyelashes seemed to be thinner.

  It hurt him to see the woman who’d always held him down and made him feel special laid so low. “I know you are Mom. Things will get better after you rest up.” He leaned down and placed a kiss on her forehead, slyly checking her temperature. Thank God, she’s not hot.

  “No son, you do not understand what I’m saying. I’m tired.” She opened her eyes and stared at him.

  For the first time in days, he saw a fire. The spark that made her the ball busting, sassy-mouthed woman who never backed down had returned. His heart lightened. This must be her second wind.

  “I’ve been battling this thing for two years, Nigel.”

  “I know, and you’re doing awesome.”

  She shook her head and held out her hand. “I tried to do the chemo, but my quality of life is shit. It ain’t worth it to hold on to a few more months. We both knew this would be an uphill battle from the start. I think it’s time to enjoy the time we have left.”

  “What are you talking about, Mom?” he asked, shaking his head.

  “You letting go, making your peace with what’s going to happen. I want to know you’ll be okay before I’m in the ground and unable to help you.”

  “Mom, you’re not going to—”

  “Yes, I am. We all are one day, but it appears I’m going soon.”

  He bit the inside of his cheek to keep from fighting with her. There were good days and bad days. This would pass, and they’d be back to kicking cancers’ ass. He remained silent, allowing her to vent and process her emotions. There were a number of ups and downs throughout this journey.

  “This is the last round of chemo I’m doing.”

  “W-what?” he sputtered.

  “You heard me. I’m not good for a damn thing like this. I can’t go where I want, keep any food down, and I sure as hell don’t get to spend any quality time for you. I made my peace with my fate. Now, I need you to do the same.”

  “I’m never going to stop fighting, and neither should you.”

  “That’s not what I’m doing. I’m choosing to live. My entire life is about pumping poison in my veins to borrow more time. Pills, exhaustion, and illness are no way to live. I want to feel like me again.”

  Clue clenched his jaw and stared at the wall above her head. It felt like a cop out. Here she was waving the white flag and letting cancer win.

  “I want you to hire a home care nurse.”

  “Mom, I’m not having a stranger come in here. I can do this.”

  “I know you can. I love you for wanting to make the sacrifice. It makes me feel more loved than words can say and proud as hell. It doesn’t change the fact that you shouldn’t have to, and I don’t want you to. I’m the parent. It’s my job to take care of you. I don’t want you to see everything that’s going to happen, Nigel. At least, let me die with my dignity intact.”

  He bowed his head. He couldn’t deny her this. Logically he understood, she had the right to choose her exit strategy. “If this is really what you want—?”

  “It is. I been thinking on it for a time.”

  “All right Mom, we’ll do it your way. I’ll find someone.”

  “Good,” she said. Her eyes drifted shut, and her breathing began to even out as the fight left her. “Go out and have some fun. We both know I’m not going to do much more than sleep.”

  “You might need me—”

  “I can still dial,” she snapped.

  “Okay, Mom.” He leaned down and kissed her forehead. He had time to convince her to get her next chemo round. For now, he’d let her rest and bring in help.

  ~* * *~

  “How’s your mother?” Demon asked.

  Clue sank onto the stool beside him. “Bad man. I think I need to look into at-home care. I refuse to send her to a facility, but she doesn’t want me to be the primary caretaker. She says she wants to die with dignity.” He sneered. “Whatever the fuck that means.”

  “Jesus, is it that dire now?” Demon asked. Sympathy softened his dark stare.

  “Yeah P,” Clue said. He closed his eyes, and massaged his temples with his fingers to lessen the dull throbbing. “She told me yesterday, she’s done with Chemo and wants to die on her feet. I think she’s just worn out. The treatments are brutal, man. It wipes her. She’s spewing every other second, not able to keep anything down, or regain her strength. I hate watching her go through it. I really do. But if it’s keeping her around longer…” Clue shrugged. “…I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.

  “She doesn’t think it’s worth it?” Demon asked.

  “I guess not. At least not right now. I’m going to wear her down, though. The one thing I don’t think she’ll budge on is in home care.”

  “Whatever money you need is yours,” Demon said.

  “It’s not about the money, it’s about the person.” Clue waved down the bartender. “Whiskey straight up.”

  She grabbed a shot glass and filled it to the brim.

  Clue took it and tossed it back. The amber liquid rolled down his throat. A trail of fire burned down his esophagus and into his belly. He rolled his neck, cracking the bones. “I don’t want a stranger taking care of my mother, man.” Clue shook his head. “Don’t’ sit right with me.”

  “So what do you want to do? Find someone in house?” Demon asked.

  “If possible. Otherwise, I’m going to be grilling bitches in interviews like they’re trying to be the President of the United States of America.”

  Demon chuckled and rubbed his chin. “I can’t think of anyone off the top of my head. I’ll look into it. Maybe a girlfriend or one of the house mice is in the health industry.”

  “I appreciate it,” Clue said.

  The waitress moved to leave.

  He reached out and grabbed the bottle. “You can just leave this.”

  “You staying here tonight?” Demon asked raising an eyebrow.

  Clue rolled his eyes. He was pushing thirty and yet, they still treated him like a child. That’s what happened when you grew up in this shit and held the title of youngest member. We really need to get some new blood in, so I can pass on the honor of being the baby. He ran a hand over the beard he’d grown out a while back to help him look his age. “Yeah, I’m crashing in my room.”

  Demon nodded. “Just trying to make sure you don’t do anything stupid because you’re pissed.”

  “I won’t be much use to my mom if I wrap my bike around a light pole,” Clue retorted dryly.

  “You keep that in mind, and we’ll be just fine,” Demon countered.

  Light from outside flooded the clubhouse. Clue peered up and froze. A woman he’d never seen before walked in beside Ardy. The sunlight surrounded her creating a halo around her head. He blinked to make sure she wasn’t a sleep deprived apparition. Thick in all the right places, she had a nice rack she highlighted with a breast skimming Led Zeppelin shirt. His dick hardened. He shifted his weight, mesmerized.

 
Her dark hair tumbled around her round face, while her big, brown eyes surrounded by sooty lashes took in the room. Her full pink lips formed an O.

  Clearly, she’s not a regular because this is tame. He leaned forward wondering if she could be the pussy he lost himself in tonight. It’d been months since he’d been properly laid. Caring for his mother and hacking shit for the brothers took up every minute he had these days.

  “Might want to watch those penetrating eyes. She’s not one of the girls you can smash and dismiss,” Demon warned.

  “No? Who is she then?”

  “My sister-in-law,” Demon answered.

  “Oh, shit,” Clue muttered.

  “Hey baby,” Ardy said reaching them.

  “Hey, Birdie good to see you. How was the flight?” Demon asked.

  “Good, I slept the whole way. I figured I’d start the vacation early,” she replied. Her voice was soft and gentle. Her cheeks flushed pink.

  Clue found himself fascinated.

  “Oh, Birdie this is Clue. Clue, this is Ardy’s baby sister, Birdie.”

  “It’s nice to meet you,” Birdie said softly.

  “Likewise,” Clue replied. Happy to have something else to focus his attention on, he leaned back against the bar.

  “So, what do you girls have planned tonight?” Demon asked.

  “I figured we could stay here and play some pool, hang out since we have a sitter,” Ardy answered.

  “You got time, Clue?” Demon asked.

  “Yeah, I’d be happy to entertain two lovely ladies,” he said turning on the charm.

  “One,” Demon growled.

  Clue laughed and slid from the stool, offering his arm. “Let me escort you,” he offered feeling normal for the first time in what felt like years.

  “Sure,” Birdie said as she linked her arm in his.

  “So, is that your nickname, or real name?” Clue asked.

  “Real, my Da’s from Ireland.”

  “Ahhh.”

  “And you?” Birdie asked.

  “Club name, my real name is Nigel. But you’ll have to keep that to yourself,” he joked.

  She laughed. “Well, we’re a right, foreign name holding pair.”

  “I guess so,” Clue agreed as they entered the game room.

  “Girls get to break,” Demon announced.

  “Rack em up, big sis,” Birdie said pulling away.

  He couldn’t help but stare at her ass. Plump and tasty looking it was covered in tight denim with rhinestone pockets.

  “How long you here for?” Demon asked.

  “Not sure, I took a hiatus from work. It got to be too much,” Birdie answered. Her face clouded over.

  Clue frowned. He liked it when her eyes smiled. “Yeah? What was it you did again?”

  “I’m a Hospice nurse. I lost two of my favorites back to back. From time to time, it gets heavy working there.”

  “Wait, you care for the…” Clue swallowed hard around the words that stuck in his throat. “…Terminally ill?”

  “Yes, I do.” She peered at him and frowned. “Are you sick?”

  “No, it’s my mother, cancer.”

  “Oh, I am so sorry to hear that,” she said, gently resting her fingers on his forearm.

  “Thank you. She just finished up a round of Chemo, and she asked me to look into a home care nurse.”

  “Look into? Who’s doing it now?” Birdie asked.

  “I am.”

  “Oh,” she whispered. Her sympathy didn’t feel like pity. She had the look of a person who understood his situation. “I don’t know anyone here, or I’d help you find someone.”

  “I want you,” Clue stated firmly.

  “Excuse me?” She stared at him.

  “To—uh, speak with her. She’s been down, and I don’t know what to say,” he replied thinking fast. “You do. I’ve never dealt with anything like this. But you. Maybe you could say a few things, give her some comfort or encouragement?” If I ask her to be mom’s nurse now, it’ll be too much.

  “I don’t know. I came here to get away from all of this for a while and visit with my family,” she said quietly.

  “Yeah, I get that, but just…think about it maybe. I—uh, could use some conversation too, from someone who gets it, you know?”

  Her expression softened. “Yeah, I do. Of course. We can get together and go over a few things.”

  “Tomorrow?” I asked.

  She laughed. “Sure, Clue. We’ll get something together tomorrow.”

  She’s a light in the darkness. I have no choice, but to follow her.

  Chapter Two

  BIRDIE

  “Not even here a day and you have a date,” Ardy teased.

  Birdie rolled her eyes. “It’s not date,” she replied, rifling through the clothing she’d brought with her on the trip.

  “It’s not a meeting either¸” Ardy said.

  “It might as well be. He just wants to talk. It’s not personal. It’s all to do with my job.” Funny, how I can never escape it.

  “You really think that?” Ardy asked.

  “Why wouldn’t I, Ard?” Birdie paused to look at her with narrowed eyes. “You’d better not be trying to set me up.”

  “He couldn’t take his eyes off you the entire night.” Ardy shrugged.

  “We were on the same team,” Birdie said dryly.

  “Why are you so resistant to believing Clue might be into you, Birdie Anne?” Ardy asked.

  Because I learned my lesson the last time. Men like Clue don’t date women like me. The man is sex walking with a sense of humor, and a dash of danger. He probably likes stick thin women like my sister, who even after birth was stunning. “I’m not. I think it’s foolish to read into things,” Birdie answered.

  “Why? You’re here to have fun and let loose. Why not do that with Clue? He’s your type. A video game playing hacker who doesn’t take himself too seriously. I haven’t heard about you with anyone since you broke the engagement off last year. I did my best not to pry while it was fresh, but now I’m growing concerned. What’s going on?”

  “No time. I got out of school, and I focused on my career.” Birdie looked away as she answered.

  “It’s more than that. Your lying makes me even more suspicious,” Ardy stated crossing her arms. “You know I’ll find out one way or another.”

  “Is this the Spanish Inquisition?”

  “Birdie,” Ardy said in a tone that meant business.

  “Look, Adrian Blanch was a shallow prick who fooled me right up until we broke things off. I was lucky to get away when I did. It hurt me. How could it not? He was my first love, or so I thought at the time. I’m cautious now. End of story.”

  “What did he do? One word to Demon—”

  “No, nothing that requires him being taken out. Jesus, Ardy!”

  “Don’t let one asshole stop you from finding happiness somewhere else. I’m not going to lie, Birdie, I’d love to have you out here with me. I miss you guys,” Ardy added, looking at the floor.

  “We miss you too. Nothing is the same with you gone, and mom and dad are still having their ups and downs.”

  “I can’t blame mom for being pissed. I can’t even fathom what it must’ve been like for her when D came in and took me as payment. It could’ve been so much worse if he’d been a different sort of biker,” Ardy said.

  “And he’s not?” Birdie asked genuinely interested in learning more about her brother-in-law.

  “He does what he needs to, but he’s not unnecessarily cruel.”

  “No, I didn’t think he would be. Not when you love him like you do,” Birdie surmised.

  “Thanks for the vote of confidence, sis,” Ardy said.

  “I know mom and Dad were pissed for a long time after the two of you got hitched. But that was guilt based anger. I was upset with you for leaving because you got away. You left the small town and the family business behind, and in my mind that meant it fell to me. Then I realized I could do it too…if
I wanted.”

  “Do what?” Ardy asked.

  “Leave, find my happiness outside of town. You were my inspiration to be honest. I don’t think I ever would’ve dated Adrian in the first place, if I hadn’t seen you thrive. It gave me the courage to step outside my comfort zone and ignore the bullshit crammed down my throat my entire life. You know I’ve always been a bigger girl. Now, I never had a problem with it. But everyone else seemed to have some opinion they’d like to voice.” She sighed. This was something she’d kept to herself for so long, it felt like taking off a Band-Aid, and airing out a wound.

  Ardy looked puzzled as she tilted her head.

  “It made me feel like it was better to be invisible. I learned how to blend in. Then one day, I realized. By remaining invisible, I missed out on a lot. Shortly after my ah-ha moment, Adrian came into the picture with his dark eyes, dark hair, firm body, and charm. I thought he was really into me. So, I threw caution to the wind. He made me feel like the only thing that mattered. I’ll give him that. He played his role well, until he no longer needed me.” Birdie shook her head as she envisioned their relationship.

  “Fuck that prick. He’s the one missing out right now,” Ardy seethed.

  Birdie smiled at the snarly tone that came with Ardy’s Mama Bear mode. “Yeah. On a happier note, I think I found my outfit for the day.” She held up a pair of denim shirts, and a scoop neck pink tank top with the saying, Do not meddle in the affairs of Dragons for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

  “Are you sure? It’s so Fancy,” Ardy commented.

  “Ugh, We’re just going out or a casual lunch. I can’t be like Carilyn and go overboard. She steps out of the house on a normal day looking like she’s ready to be an extra in a movie at any given moment,” Birdie said thinking of their prissy little sister. “She took after Mom.”

  “Hey, someone had to.” Ardy shrugged her shoulders.

  “You’re not too far off the mark.” Birdie smiled.

  “Hey, I go out without makeup all the time,” Ardy said.

  They both laughed. Their mother was tough as nails, but she didn’t play when it came to her hair, nails, and makeup. They figured it was a byproduct of her southern upbringing.