Heart of Change

by Roxy Harte

  She nods and I take her hand, holding it on top of my lap. I tip my head up and look at the canopy of trees. “It is so beautiful here, so peaceful. I had no idea.”

  She nudges me with her shoulder and I look at my feet, thinking how visually interesting my rhinestone-embossed pumps look against the weathered wood of the picnic table. My brain shifts into producer mode. A scene unfolds neatly, involving a dark forest, rope, and an Asian girl, wearing very high, very sparkly rhinestone-covered heels, at the mercy of a masked man.

  “You’re avoiding.”

  “What?” I ask, jerked from the moment’s fantasy.

  “I’m feeling a little out of the loop.”

  “You’re right. I’ve just been so afraid of what your reaction was going to be to my desire to have a baby. Sometimes I just want to go back to being Sarah, a normal woman with a normal life. I’ve always assumed I would have a child, the timing was just never right. When Simon insisted I retire from on-camera work, it seemed like the perfect time to focus on making my life whole.”

  She leans forward to kiss me, and our lips touch softly, but only for the briefest touch. She whispers against my temple, “I’m more concerned about your relocating to Tokyo right now than I am about your plans to have a baby.”

  She wraps her hand around the nape of my neck and pulls me in for a deep kiss. There isn’t anything slow or soft about it as she takes what she wants from my mouth, her tongue sliding in to dance with mine. She leaves me breathless and weak-kneed, heart pounding and full of desire. My heart swells and bursts. I want her. Only her.

  I can’t explain it, because I’ve been with so many men, partners who never made me feel anything, except that momentary explosion of orgasm…a physical response that meant absolutely nothing at the end of the day. Her kisses make me want to cry and I don’t realize that I am crying until Geri is wiping my tears away. “Baby, what’s wrong? What is it?”

  “I can’t stand it,” I say.

  “My kisses are that bad?” she asks, and I realize she is teasing.

  “You know they aren’t,” I say. I kiss her softly. “I don’t understand why I have to cry every time you kiss me.”

  Her hands go up to my face. “Maybe because it’s been too long since you’ve felt anything; maybe because you had to cut yourself off from emotion to be able to do what you were doing for a living.”

  She leans in and kisses me softly, biting my bottom lip, pulling it into her mouth to suck. When she releases me, I don’t let her pull away, but kiss her in the same way, realizing what a turn-on it is to kiss her and to be kissed. And I realize that it’s true, I haven’t allowed myself to feel anything but the mechanics, and as I kiss her, trying to analyze how her kiss feels, how her lips move beneath mine, I can separate from the emotion, but only enough to decide that she is a damn fine kisser. Then she takes over, kissing me with a new, passionate earnestness, demanding with her lips and teeth and tongue, that makes me stop analyzing and start feeling. I pull away, gasping. “God, Geri! What you do to me.”

  She laughs and it is a sound of pleasure. I kiss her again just because it feels so nice to be kissing her. She slides off the picnic table and kneels between my feet on the weathered bench. “Lie back.”

  I shake my head. “What if someone comes?”

  She smiles, laughing wickedly. “I’d have thought you were a daring kind of girl.”

  I lie back, seeing moss and tree bark and lots of green leaves. She leans over me and suddenly her face is in my field of vision, her golden eyes glowing. “I’m packing today.”

  “Really?” I ask enthusiastically, reaching between us to unzip her jeans. “Show me.”

  All thoughts of being discovered are forgotten when the bright red dildo pops out from between the zipper teeth. “Sweet.” My fingers wrap around the cool rubber, which is surprisingly soft, rigid enough for insertion, but not hard. I pull her toward me by her cock. She pushes up my skirt and finds panties. Bending, she kisses the shadowed curve of my ribs, pulling the flimsy panties off in a smooth move.

  My lips twitch. “Somebody has had lots of practice.”

  “Just lucky that time,” she says.

  She pushes over me, angling the red dildo. Her thrust makes me gasp as she fills me with one solid push. “Oh God.”

  “You think that’s nice, put your ankles on my shoulders.”

  I do, thinking that my ankle-strapped, sparkly shoes against the tree would make a visually pleasing shot. The Asian girl and masked man scenario gets added to. Long pale legs, green canopy of leaves…

  Geri thrusts.

  I close my eyes, forgetting everything that was in my mind a second before. “Do it again.”

  “Like that?”

  Definitely. The deep thrusts fall somewhere between pleasure and pain as need rushes through me, making me beg, “Please, please.”

  She plays with the rhythm, slow, slow, slow, holy fucking Jesus, Geri, fast, fast, fast. I moan, tossing my head, making sounds in my throat that are nothing like the sounds I normally make. It seems a bubble of emotion breaks in my chest and liquid ache spreads through me. I so want this woman. Not like Simon. I need this woman with every fiber of my being to be complete.

  A sob catches in my throat and Geri assumes I’m coming.

  “Yeah, beautiful. Give me that.”

  She quickens her pace, her fast, hard thrusts feeding the emotion already weighing so heavy on my chest I can barely breathe.

  “Look at me. I want to see you when you come for me.”

  I open my eyes and get lost in the depths of hers as my soul seems to spiral free. “God, Geri, oh God.”

  Chapter Fourteen

  The production difficulties I had in Tokyo suddenly seem like a vacation in Disneyland as I find the frantic schedule of pre-implantation doctor appointments and porn star appearances that will herald the end of my career both mentally and physically exhausting. It’s an intensely crazy few weeks, but then I’m standing at my retirement party—feeling bloated and hormonal instead of glamorous and sexy. It doesn’t help matters that my girlfriend refused to come with me as my date. It seems equally intense and insane that I am now calling Geri my girlfriend, but as prophesied by Meg, we are an item. At least for all non-porn-star-related social engagements. So, for my big retirement party extravaganza, I settled for second runner up…Simon.

  Luckily, he was counting on escorting me anyway. The ballroom is packed when we arrive and my arrival is not only noted, but I receive a standing ovation. I am taken aback by the amount of work that went into the event. Wall-sized movie screens float on either side of the room, one showing my very last film ever made, and the opposite one showing my very first.

  Simon approaches, bearing two glasses of champagne. I decline taking any.

  “Still on your health kick?” he asks.

  “Still planning on procreating, so either way, alcohol is out of the question.”

  “Shh,” he says. “That’s an evil word around here.”

  “What?”

  “Procreating,” he whispers. “Don’t tell anyone.”

  “Why?” I demand. Simon sets down both glasses on the nearest table and whirls me out onto the dance floor.

  “Let’s not ruin your career until you are officially no longer making us both lots of money, okay?” He pulls me in close, so that we are slow dancing with our bodies wrapped around one another. “The thought of your videos being run as MILF makes my blood run cold.”

  I laugh, but I don’t mean it.

  “Forget about babies for a while. I want you to take a trip with me.”

  “I don’t have time for a trip. My eggs are being harvested early next week. I should be pregnant by Friday, if all goes well. And you don’t have time for a trip either. You have Tokyo to sort out.”

  “AsiaFlixxx is temporarily on hold until we come to an understanding. Consider the trip an opportunity to come together on what we both want, what we both need.”

  I shake my hea
d.

  “Come on,” he cajoles, “I’ve always promised you that someday I’d take you to Europe and I promise we’ll do it right. “First class…Paris, Rome, Madrid… Tell me where you want to go. I’ll take you.”

  “No, Simon. I know and you know that you have no intention of taking me anywhere except the airport and then something will come up and we will have to detour through Tokyo.”

  “No, baby, you’ve got me all wrong this time.” He whirls me around the dance floor effortlessly and it is obvious we’ve done this together before. I think sarcastically that he is always waltzing me around. In more ways than one. The music changes and suddenly we are caught in a tango. Unfortunately, I love to tango and so I continue dancing, sashaying my hips, grinding, teasing. He grabs me and pulls me close, saying, “Anywhere you want to go, Simone. Anywhere.”

  I shake my head, backing away, dancing with a naughty wiggle and jiggle.

  “No,” I deny him. “You’re bad for me Simon.”

  I’m still smiling when I say it though and so it takes the sting out when I add, “I always make horrible decisions when you’re around.”

  He laughs, doing his own naughty wiggle and jiggle. “You’ve been saying that for twenty years, sweetheart, but over the long haul, I think you can agree that I’ve done more good for you than I’ve done bad.”

  I slide close, wrapping my arm around his back. “We’ve made some money together.”

  He lifts me, and with my legs wrapped around his torso, he twirls. “Oh, you crush me. Was it really just the money? I didn’t mean anything to you?”

  I notice we have all but cleared the dance floor in our spectacle. I do a backbend, letting my fingertips drag the ground as he holds my crotch firmly to his waist. When I bend back up, he kisses me. I pretend to slap him and pull away. We know our dance roles well. He sits my feet back on the ground. I dance away from him, he chases me, catching my hand and twirling me back into his arms. “Just the money.”

  We are both panting when he says, “Liar.”

  The song ends and I kiss him, admitting, “Once, I loved you,” as applause breaks around us.

  He lifts my hand to his lips and kisses it. “No more lies, Simone. You see right through me anyway. I need you. Tokyo needs you. Say you’ll go back and keep the ball there rolling until we can hire the right people to take over.”

  “Simon,” I say beseechingly. I should tell him not a chance in hell. I should tell him I hated Tokyo and the studio and the job. Except I didn’t. “Eighty-twenty.”

  “You’ve got it,” he says, and then an emcee, standing in the shadows, is demanding I make a speech.

  As I stand on the platform, I have plenty of thinking-time waiting for the applause to die down and I try to decide what to say and honestly it isn’t that hard, because my speech won’t be long. Finally, silence and expectation fill the room. I begin, “Twenty years ago, when I met Simon Kramer, I should have run screaming, but I didn’t. Instead, I embarked on an adventure of a lifetime…”

  I fill the room with laughter, using silly one-liners. “It’s a tough job knowing that you have to go to work every day and face orgasm after orgasm after…”

  And then I close with honesty. “Over the years, I have never regretted a moment, even though I have spent as much time loathing myself as celebrating my life. I stayed because I loved this man enough to believe him when he told me I was the best. And I think he loved me too, even though every time he talked me into staying, it cost him a little more in percentages. But now, it is someone else’s turn to fill the spotlight, and I am going to go find what I’ve been missing out there in the real world while I was here, filming every man’s fantasy.” I don’t mention AsiaFlixxx because no deal’s a deal until the paperwork is signed and I really don’t trust Simon Kramer any farther than I can throw him. I catch his gaze as I am leaving the stage and see he is wearing a cheesy smile. I’d like to think it’s pride reflected in his face, but I know better, because I do know the man. He thinks he has me right where he wants me. We’ll see.

  As I start down the platform, a hand reaches for mine and I take it, trembling as I take the last three stairs. “You came!”

  Geri smiles at me. “You are beautiful.”

  I twirl in my silver sequined gown. “Too glam?”

  “Perfect.”

  I fall into her arms, not caring that a hundred flashes are going off as every camera at my retirement party takes my photo…kissing a mystery woman. Now that I have her here and trussed up in a tux, looking amazing, I want to be anywhere but here. “Do you want to dance? Or would you rather get out of here and make out in the back of the limo while we drive home?”

  “Aw, shucks, that’s not a fair choice.” She tucks her hands into her pants pockets and kicks her right foot.

  “I’m sorry, you just got here, that really wouldn’t be fair to you. And you look absolutely wonderful…”

  She grabs my hand and drags me toward the doors.

  We are no more than tucked into the limo when she pushes my hair to the side and starts kissing my collarbone. “God, you made me hot tonight. When I saw you dancing with Simon, I thought I was going to lose it. I wanted to hit him so bad, but then I realized I really wanted to fuck you more.”

  She watched? I didn’t know. “There’s no time like the present,” I say, hitching up my dress. She doesn’t need any more of an invitation than that and drags her fingers through my ready folds.

  “I wanted you the moment I saw you tonight,” she admits, dropping to her knees on the floorboard. Her lips close around my clit.

  “Oh God, Geri.”

  She hums against me.

  “Are you packing tonight?”

  “Mm-hmm.” Her tongue flicks my clit in rapid succession, lifting the intensity of my need. She slides a finger deep inside me, finding me wet, very wet.

  “Ever fucked in the back of a limo, Geri?”

  She lifts her head, looking sheepish as she answers, “No.”

  “Want to?” I challenge.

  She pushes over me. I wrap my legs around her as I unzip her pants, revealing the concealed strap-on. A little angling and she is inside of me, thrusting softly, not hard like in the forest on the picnic table.

  “Harder,” I beg.

  “Sh-h, not here.”

  “Oh God,” I swear. “You are killing me!”

  She chuckles softly. “Consider this foreplay.”

  The night is made sweeter when we finally get to the house, our clothes and hair in obvious disarray as we exit the limo. She holds my hand as she walks me to the door. We don’t make it inside. She pushes me against the door, kissing me, filling my mouth with her tongue. I finger the waistband of her pants, digging for her cock.

  “Not yet, baby,” she whispers against my face. “You need a little more warm up.”

  “No fair,” I say. “I want to play with your cock.”

  She laughs. “Patience.” Her fingers weave a trail up my thigh as she pushes me harder against the door. She enters me, first one finger, then two. I almost scream with need and urgency. She pumps me hard with her fingers, pulling from me a ready orgasm. I growl against her face, “I want your cock in me. Now.”

  “You’re going to get tired of my toys—”

  “Never,” I promise, sliding my hands inside her pants, ignoring the dildo as I push farther into her pants, finding her hot and moist. I tease her slit while she fumbles with my key. I slide a finger inside her as she pushes open the door. She pulls me inside and latches the deadbolt as the door closes behind us. I keep playing with her soft folds, fingering her wetness. I push her against the wall, giving her a taste of her own medicine. Wrapping my free hand around her ass, I plunge my fingers inside of her vagina. Thrusting. I rub her clit while I thrust, pulling her hips forward harder and harder, faster and faster with the rhythm…until she is screaming my name.

  I hold her as she pants against me. “Didn’t I tell you that I like to be the dominant one?”


  “You might have mentioned it,” I say against her jaw as I leave a trail of kisses.

  “I don’t let anyone do that to me. I don’t like penetration.”

  I still, barely breathing, hoping I haven’t crossed a line that I didn’t even know was there.

  “But with you, it was different. I liked it,” she whispers, and I sigh with relief.

  She pulls me through the house to my bed, where she pushes me back on the mattress and kneels before me, promising, “My turn,” as her head ducks between my legs.

  Morning brings a reality check.

  “I have to leave again.”

  “When?” I ask with a pout.

  “Soon, I’m going to be gone a lot the next few months. Come with me? You can show me what a great camper you are. We could kayak. I could teach you how to rock-climb.”

  I really regret overstating my outdoor abilities. I make the excuse, “I’m scheduled for in-vitro in a few days.”

  “You couldn’t put it off until fall?”

  “No, I can’t put it off,” I say nastily and I regret the tone, because she doesn’t understand what I’ve gone through, which is my fault because I haven’t kept her in the information loop.

  She’s quiet after that, withdrawn, thoughtful, and I hate it that she doesn’t share with me what she’s thinking.

  An hour later, I know exactly what she is thinking when she storms into the kitchen with her laptop open and held against her hip. She puts it on the table with a thud. “Your limo driver is an asshole!”

  I close my eyes, knowing this can’t be good. I walk over to the table and look down at what has her so angry. It’s a YouTube video. She has pushed play already and although the screen doesn’t show a picture, there is sound, a full two minutes of sound. I gasp. Then suddenly the video flares to life for the final thirty seconds. It shows me and obviously her, climbing out of the back of the limo, laughing, straightening our hair and clothes…and groping each other all the way to the front door where Geri pushed me back against the wall and kissed me rather passionately while maneuvering the key into the lock.