Heart of Change

by Roxy Harte

  “Wow,” I say, thinking, this is so bad as I see her face go from pink to scarlet.

  “No, not wow. I want his name. My lawyer wants his name.”

  I try to pat her arm. “Is it that horrible?”

  She looks at me like I grew an extra head…and maybe a few extra arms. “For you? No. This is marvelous. Free publicity. But for me? Yeah, this is a freaking disaster!”

  I think she’s overreacting, but then she is leaving.

  “Geri?”

  I chase her to her Jeep.

  “I have to go. Now. The business can’t take this kind of blow. I have to stop this from ruining my reputation and my company by doing some very fast damage control.”

  This is bad.

  It is three hours before I hear from her, but finally my cell phone rings and it is her. She apologizes for freaking out. “YouTube pulled the video and my lawyer is going to continue to monitor the situation, but I can breathe easier for now.”

  She sounds more relaxed. My head is going to explode.

  “Everything is going to be fine. You’re retired now and by the time I get back from Canada, Simone Sinclair will be yesterday’s news.”

  Yesterday’s news?

  I hang up the phone and I put my head between my knees to keep from passing out. It must be the hormones. I shouldn’t be so upset, but my heart is racing, my head pounding, and I feel like my soul wants to jump out of my body and…run. Thankfully, she doesn’t call back.

  Unfortunately, she does show up on my doorstep before I have gotten over being mad. I meet her at the door. “I’m a porn star, Geri. You’ve always known that.”

  “I’m an asshole.”

  “Yeah, you are,” I say, going back into my house, leaving her standing in the doorway. That I expect her to follow me is obvious because I leave the front door open. I sit down on the couch and watch her walk toward me. I’m not expecting a grand gesture, but I do expect more than just an apology. My feelings have been hurt. I’ve been insulted.

  She sits in a chair across from me.

  “Simone Sinclair isn’t going to stop existing just because I’ve retired. If anything, my name is going to be bigger because I’ve decided that AsiaFlixxx is going to be marketed under the production house of Simon Simone Media.”

  “What? I though the Tokyo deal was dead.”

  “Not hardly.”

  “And of course his name comes first.” She snorts. “Why don’t the two of you just get married and call it a day.”

  I think about his proposal. He wasn’t serious, and even if he was, I wouldn’t. “Why are you here? You made it fairly obvious that being photographed with Simone Sinclair, porn star, is the worst thing that has ever happened to you.”

  “We weren’t just photographed,” she argues. “When our picture was taken at the party, I was fine. That video on the Internet was—”

  “Explicit?” I offer.

  “We were making out, we got a little carried away—”

  “You shoved your fingers inside me and got caught doing it?”

  “It was an invasion of my privacy!” she seethes, turning red in the face. “It wasn’t because you’re a porn star. I mean, part of it was. It still bothers me that you are, but I’m working on it, and it does help that you are officially retired now. I know I can’t expect you to hide the fact that you ever were, but maybe it can just be part of your past?”

  I narrow my eyes at her, still mad.

  “I want to be part of your life, but I can’t be a part of your fame. I’m sorry.”

  “I’m sorry too,” I say.

  And then I watch her drive away. I spend a long night alone, waiting for her to come back, or call, but she doesn’t call me and I don’t call her.

  Finally, early in the morning, she calls me. She shouldn’t have, because matters get a lot worse really fast. I ask her if she will come with me for the procedure and she tells me not to count on her because she has to leave soon.

  “When?” I ask.

  “Soon,” she says.

  I feel like I’m pushing for her to be part of this and that doesn’t seem fair, but I can’t seem to help myself, even though I know that she isn’t having this baby with me. She really isn’t even part of this. I’m pushing too hard because I can feel her pulling back.

  Even so, I push harder. “I love you.”

  There is a pause and then she tells me that she needs to go. Did I really expect I love you too? I’m a fool.

  I admit to Meg and Tina that we are fighting because, even though it is Friday and Geri is in town, she isn’t at O’Leary’s when I get there, and I feel like it is my fault. Our regular table is taken so we grab a booth in the corner.

  At least Tina and Meg are excited about the upcoming event and want all of the details on my baby-making efforts.

  “Looks like they can harvest my eggs on Monday,” I’m telling them when Geri enters the bar, a wrapped box in tow. I smile, relieved.

  “Did you see that?” Meg asks.

  Tina takes the bait. “See what?”

  “Her smile just lit up the entire room.” Meg drapes her arm around Tina’s shoulder. “Why don’t you smile like that when I come into the room?”

  “Hmm, maybe you don’t try as hard to make me smile as Geri tries to make Simone smile.”

  “Yeah, yeah.” Tina waves her hand at me, dismissing me, going back to her friendly banter with Meg. I keep my eyes on Geri. I just can’t get enough of her when she’s around.

  She stops by the bar and orders a beer before coming to the table. She holds out the box and an orange juice on the rocks. “For you.”

  I frown, not taking the juice or the box, trying to remember why I’m so pissed off at her and growing more agitated because just seeing her makes me want to forget Friday night with the girls and go back to my house for some naked time.

  She sets the juice and the box on the table in front of me and squats beside me. I meet her gaze, finding it harder and harder to scowl with her exuding major sex appeal.

  “I’m sorry.” She pushes the box closer. “Please?”

  I open the box to find a big, brown, stuffed teddy bear.

  I smile. She smiles. And for now, that’s enough. I scoot to allow her to sit beside me.

  When Meg and Tina go together to the restroom, Geri puts her arm around me and asks, “So, baby-making day is coming up quick, right?”

  I nod, repeating what I told the girls earlier, “Tuesday, maybe Wednesday.”

  “Are you sure this is what you want?”

  I nod. “I know I won’t be the perfect mom.”

  She lifts my face with her fingertips so that she can look into my eyes. “You are going to be a great mom.”

  I shake my head with doubt, a drug-induced hormonal tear slipping down my cheek. I don’t want to talk about having a baby or my ability to be a mother, I want to talk about us and why she didn’t say I love you back last night. Instead, I say, “It’s going to be hard to explain my choices to my child as I get older, but I hope my baby will grow up knowing how much I love him, so that when he is old enough to understand that I was once a porn star, he won’t care.”

  “He won’t care,” she promises.

  “Oh, he might. The rest of my family hates me because of what I’ve done in this lifetime.”

  “The rest of your family doesn’t matter. Your family here, now, thinks you are wonderful, and we’re all that matter.”

  My family here.

  “God, Geri, I’m terrified.”

  “What can I do to help?”

  I want to beg her to go with me, just to hold my hand, but that wouldn’t be right. I want her to tell me she loves me, but I know she isn’t ready. Half-seriously, I say, “Make love to me under the stars…make me forget that my life is about to change drastically.”

  “Baby, it’s late. I’ve been packing all day for the trip—”

  My head swivels to face her, my half-serious request suddenly causing my feelings to g
et hurt with full-on impact. She caresses my cheek and leans in to kiss me.

  “I love you,” I tell her and it stops her from kissing me.

  She doesn’t say it back and I pull away, getting more emotional with every breath. “You always say Let me make love to you. Are you really just prettying up I want to fuck you?”

  “Let’s go,” she says and heads for the door, expecting me to follow. Oh, I follow, all right!

  “If you don’t love me then just say I want to fuck you. Do you understand?” Her hand closes over my mouth because I am creating a scene.

  “Come on,” she says, sliding her hand under my elbow. “I’m taking you home.”

  As soon as her hand comes away from my mouth, I demand, “Say it!”

  “What?”

  “Tell me I’m hormonal! Tell me I’m insane! Tell me you fucking love me! Just say the words once!”

  “You are hormonal. You are not insane.” She ushers me out into the humid night air. “And I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t care for you very much.”

  “But you won’t tell me that you love me, will you?”

  Her silence answers my question.

  I sob all the way out of town and am staring despondently into the dark when Geri veers into the park and slams on her brakes so fast that my entire body is thrown forward, the seatbelt digging between my breasts. She unbuckles her belt and then mine. Even in the dark her eyes glow with emotion. Not anger. Maybe love. Just knowing she is full of emotion and I caused it is enough. Her hand wraps around the base of my neck and she pulls me forward, stopping just before kissing me, staring me down. Her gaze is so full of emotion that it hurts me to look at her, but I look and I keep looking because I want to remember this look in her eyes. When her mouth closes over mine, it is full of hunger and need, her lips crush mine and it hurts. I push my lips even harder against hers, hurting us both, and then our mouths are open and it feels like we could eat each other, like we could swallow each other whole.

  We break away, panting.

  She pulls me by the neck, dragging me out of the passenger side across her seat. I hit my knee on the gearshift. “Ow!”

  She doesn’t tell me she’s sorry, she just keeps pulling me by the neck. We are face-to-face and she backs up, through the dark, into the forest. For just a second, I think this was a really bad idea, I shouldn’t have pushed her so hard. And then she is pushing me up against a wide tree, the rough bark pressing into my back through my T-shirt and jeans. She presses into me, her body molding into mine, and mine molding into the tree.

  She drops to her knees and unbuttons my pants, pulls my zipper, and then my jeans are down around my ankles and her face is buried against me, inhaling me. She pulls my thighs apart, making room, and then her tongue dips out and teases my clit. She pulls my knee up and my foot is pulled from my jeans. She slides my leg over her shoulder and licks me deep, from back to front, the whole length of my slit. “Oh God!”

  She does it again, and again. “Geri!”

  She laughs. “Someday you are going to appreciate foreplay.”

  Her mouth closes over my clit and she sucks it. “Oh!” She slides her finger inside of me. “Please Geri, I know you’re strapped-on, just give it to me. I want you to fuck me hard and fast.”

  She slides another finger inside, stretching me, filling me…finally pumping me until my orgasm squeezes her fingers. “Geri!” I scream and then she is standing in front of me, both of my feet back on the ground.

  She kisses me, taking my mouth savagely, and I taste myself on her lips. She admits, “I’m not good at relationships. I never say or do the rights things.”

  I pant against her, my mouth hurting.

  “You’re scared. You’re hormonal. And I totally understand that.” She holds my gaze and hers is wild. “You want assurances that I care about you…that I love you. I don’t know that I do. I don’t know that this is love. I know that Sheila accused me of being obsessed with you. She accused me of loving you, even when I thought I was in love with her. Love wasn’t enough to keep me and her together, even though I said the words to her every day.” She kisses me again, and this time it is soft, so soft, I feel as if she is memorizing my lips. I imagine that she is telling me goodbye. “I want to tell you all the words you want me to say, but I can’t…not yet.”

  “Then why did you make me ask you to make love to me the first time we had sex?” I demand. “Why didn’t we just have sex?”

  She shakes her head, closing her eyes, not wanting to answer.

  “Why, Geri?”

  “Because I don’t want it to be just sex with you!” she screams. “And that’s what it feels like.”

  She drops to her knees. I lean back against the tree, the bark rough and painful against my skin, but that pain doesn’t matter, because I feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest. My hands shake, no, my whole body shakes as I bend over to pull my jeans back over my hips. Geri is crying, but I can’t bear to look at her. I step around her. She grabs my ankle. “I’ll drive you home.”

  “No!” I seethe. “Just stay the fuck away from me.”

  It isn’t hard to find my way out of the forest and, though it is a hike up the road to my house, I hardly realize I am walking. I can’t believe what a fool I’ve been.

  Chapter Fifteen

  On Tuesday morning, my eggs are harvested, not a pleasant experience but survivable, and taken to a lab to be fertilized with the donor sperm. Dr. Abrams knows I’m upset, but I think he believes I’m nervous, scared, hormonal, which I am. I’m also disappointed and devastated by what Geri said in the park. I don’t think there’s any recovery from that. Not even Simon has ever been so cruel.

  On Wednesday, the embryologist calls to let me know that fertilization has taken place. Seven eggs will be available to implant in three days, after each egg undergoes a cell test as part of the Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis. Since I’m over thirty-five, this test will reveal certain genetic conditions, including Cystic fibrosis, Down Syndrome, Duchenne muscular dystrophy, Tay-Sachs disease, or Turner Syndrome. I will also know going in the sex of my baby. I set an appointment time for Friday.

  After hanging up, I freak out. I can’t make the decisions I need to make alone. I call Tina, who after listening to my hysterics for five minutes, finally manages to get a word in. “They have to do what you want. If you only want two eggs implanted, they can implant two eggs and freeze the rest.”

  I hiccup back a sob. “Really?”

  “I’m sure they may have mentioned that.”

  “They might have. I don’t remember.” I shuffle through a stack of papers as thick as a phone book looking for anything that says exactly that.

  “You are in control. Just remember that.”

  I nod, feeling very out of control.

  “Geri’s just scared,” she adds.

  “We weren’t talking about her.” I say.

  “That’s what we should be talking about,” she says.

  “She doesn’t love me.”

  “She said that?”

  “No, she said it was just about the sex.”

  After a while, she says, “Words.”

  “What?”

  “Geri hides behind her opinions, a loud mouth, and a lot of words when she’s upset. Have you ever asked yourself why?”

  I shake my head, remembering to say, “No.”

  “Just give Geri a chance to show you the truth of how she’s feeling. Don’t just hear what she says.”

  “I don’t ever want to hear anything she ever has to say again. She hurt me too badly for that,” I insist.

  Friday morning, Tina shows up on my front doorstep just as I am getting ready to leave for the clinic. “We don’t want you to be alone,” she says and I see that Meg is waiting in the car.

  In the examination room, the three of us wait. Any moment Dr. Abrams will come in to place two fertilized eggs high in my uterus. My knees shake. There is a knock at the door and I think it will be the doctor,
finally, but it isn’t the doctor, it is a nurse and she explains that Geri is in the waiting room and would like to join me.

  I’m mad and sad and scared and uncertain about everything that is happening, but I am glad she is here and, after quickly assuring Meg and Tina that it is okay for them to wait in the waiting room, the nurse brings Geri in. She gives me a weak smile as she walks over to my side and kisses me on the cheek. “Is it okay that I’m here?”

  I nod. She doesn’t mention what happened in the park a week ago or that she hasn’t called since. I’m not brave enough to say anything at all. I should be seething, but all I can think is that I wish she’d hold my hand.

  Did Simon fuck up my head royally or what?

  The problem is, I know what just sex feels like, and what happens between Geri and me isn’t that. Spiritual maybe…but not just sex.

  Time ticks by with neither of us saying anything. I bounce on the paper sheet covering the examination table until Geri stands up and walks across the small room. I still, thinking she will leave, but she doesn’t.

  “Wow,” she says, pulling a rubber glove out of a cardboard box and snapping it on her hand. She grabs a second, pulling it on too. She rubs her hands together…and that’s when I realize just how nervous she is too.

  Yeah. Wow. I could know as early as next week whether or not one of the embryos attaches. I assume her wow was merely directed at the gloves.

  She pulls the gloves off and shoves them into her front pants pocket, promising with a wink, “For later.”

  “I wish they’d hurry up. I can’t take much more waiting,” I admit.

  She rummages in a closed drawer.

  “What are you doing?” I exclaim.

  “Lube. Hello.”

  “Put that back!” I tell her as I watch with shock as she starts to slide the lube in her pants pocket. “I’ll buy you lube! Why are you doing this?”

  She laughs and tosses the lube back into the drawer. “Just checking.”

  “Checking?” I demand, exasperated.

  “To see if you’re going to be able to handle a ten-year-old.” She kisses my forehead. “You definitely have the Mom voice down.”