Heart of Change

by Roxy Harte

She rubs my shoulders. “Relax, beautiful. It’s going to be okay.”

  “How can you be so sure?”

  “Faith,” she answers.

  A quick tap on the door and then the doctor is there. I lie back with my legs spread on the doctor’s examination table and then he is approaching with the long needle that will be inserted through my vagina. Geri squeezes my hand. Oh shit.

  I close my eyes and squeeze Geri’s hand tighter when I feel the doctor’s hand on the inside of my thigh. She leans over me, hugging me, her breath warm on my cheek as she whispers, “This is it, time to make a baby.”

  “Now we wait,” the doctor says, finished with the procedure.

  After he leaves the room, Geri and I look at each other. “That’s it?”

  “That’s it.” I giggle, then tease, “Was it good for you too?”

  “Oo, baby.” She wriggles her eyebrows and I am so glad that she is here, even if she hasn’t called since the disaster in the park. “How long do you have to lie there?”

  “Fifteen to twenty minutes. Not long.”

  “Long enough,” she says and then her mouth is on mine, kissing me deep, making me moan. I push against her, asking, “Is this a little ridiculous?” I point at the paper gown, my feet in the stirrups.

  “Kind of looks like a fantasy waiting to happen, if you ask me.”

  “Geri!”

  Her mouth closes over mine, making me forget my arguments, and when she pulls away, she whispers in my ear. “Let me love you a little on the day you conceive. I can’t provide the sperm, but if you let me, I can supply the love.” It is the closest she has ever come to saying I love you.

  I nod, emotion clogging my throat, because everything has been so generic, so medical, and Geri’s warm hand in mine was the only thing that kept me from totally freaking out. Her hand goes to the neck of the paper gown, pulling it away from my body, ripping it off with a final tug. She trails kisses over my face, along my jaw, down my neck. Stepping back, she looks at me, lying naked on the long sheet of sterile medical paper, feet in stirrups. “Very sexy.”

  I laugh.

  “You think I could…?” She wriggles her eyebrows.

  I hide my face, embarrassed.

  “Oh my God, you’re blushing!” She pulls me into her arms, and we’re laughing together. “You’re just trying to distract me,” I say.

  “How am I doing?”

  “You might need to try a little harder—”

  Her mouth closes over my nipple and sucks hard then bites lightly.

  “How am I doing on that distraction?” she asks, sliding her mouth to the other nipple.

  “Gonna have to try harder,” I say.

  Her tongue slides down my stomach and circles my belly button. “Mmm, more?”

  Every muscle in my body tenses, I want her so badly.

  “We can’t,” I say. “We could mess up everything the doctor just did.”

  A knock sounds on the door. Oh shit!

  Geri bends and grabs the paper gown. I push my arms through the armholes just as the door opens. A nurse pokes her head in. “As soon as you are dressed, you can go.” She closes the door on us and, as soon as it latches, we fall into a fit of giggles.

  “Contamination?” she demands.

  “Doctor’s orders…no sex for two to three weeks.”

  “I’ll be back in British Columbia by then.”

  I nod, feeling tears well up as I ask, “When do you leave?”

  She looks at the ground to keep from meeting my gaze as she admits, “Tonight, actually.”

  I don’t ask how long she will be gone or, for that matter, if she wants to see me when she returns. I don’t want to push too hard for a relationship, because she keeps saying that she’s no good at them. Besides, I have a more important relationship in front of me. I’m going to be a Mommy.

  “Thanks for being here today. You were a beautiful distraction.” I try to smile, but it falls apart and I end up crying in her arms.

  “I’m so sorry,” she says. “I don’t know how to stop hurting you.”

  As I leave the office with Meg, Tina, and Geri, the doctor tells me, “Relax.”

  Does he realize how impossible that is going to be?

  Chapter Sixteen

  I’m emotionally unbalanced.

  I’ve done nothing but cry since Geri climbed into her Jeep and drove away from Dr. Abrams’ parking lot. I assume she is in Canada by now, but I console myself that she was there to hold my hand during the implantation. That seems to mean something…even if I don’t understand what. Does she love me and is just afraid to admit it? Or does she really, honestly believe that our relationship is nothing more than sex? I can’t believe that.

  What I feel for her seems too real.

  And damn it if her rejection didn’t come at the worst time. I feel so weak.

  Especially when I listen to Simon’s voicemail and he begs me to spend the weekend with him. I laugh. I should agree merely for the distraction from the countdown going on in my head until the day I can take the pregnancy test…it would be worth it just to see his face when I told him we couldn’t have sex because I had freshly fertilized eggs floating around in my womb.

  I think about what he said. “I love you. I always have. I always will.” I force myself to remember all of the other times he has manipulated me with words.

  I shake my head, disgusted with myself. Simon does not love me or necessarily want me…even if he has called every day since my retirement party.

  I let his calls go to voicemail. I haven’t told him about the in-vitro yet. I’m waiting for my pregnancy to be official and I really have no idea what I’m going to say to him when I do decide to take his call.

  I know that a part of me clings to him because he is familiar, because we’ve been playing this game a very long time. A part of me is totally disgusted with myself for not telling him to leave me alone.

  He’ll hurt me again…and again. If I keep letting him.

  I don’t have to wait until the following Thursday to have my answer, because on Sunday morning, my countdown comes to an abrupt stop when I wake up knowing that something is wrong. I’m cramping and achy low in my abdomen. Going to the bathroom confirms it. I’ve started my period, the embryos didn’t implant. I call my doctor’s emergency number, not caring that I am bothering him on a Sunday. Holding the teddy bear that Geri bought me, I rock back and forth on my bed, crying, listening to the doctor as he reminds me that the procedure isn’t always successful the first time.

  “How long do we have to wait to try again?”

  “Normally, I would say three or four months, but since we have several of your eggs frozen and ready, we can really proceed as soon as this cycle completes.”

  “Meaning?”

  “A few weeks, but come into the office on Monday. I want to do an ultrasound, see what is going on, and we can discuss all of your options.”

  I hang up, no less depressed than when I called, but at least hopeful that I still have a chance. I decide to spend the day in bed, sobbing, letting go of the dream baby that I’d become so attached to in the few days I hoped I was pregnant.

  Hours later, I awake to my brightly lit bedroom and my ringing bedside phone. I let it ring, but then it only starts over again. I answer and it is Simon.

  “God, you sound awful.”

  “I feel awful, Simon. I’m not pregnant. I should be, but I’m not, because my eggs didn’t implant and I’m pretty upset about that at the moment.”

  He sighs heavily into the phone. “Baby, I’m sorry.”

  “No, you’re not. Why do you lie to me, Simon?”

  “I’m sorry you are hurting. That isn’t a lie. Do I wish you’d give up on this baby idea? Sure. I’m not going to sugarcoat it.”

  “Well, I’m not giving up on the idea of having a child,” I say, forcing myself to sit up. I walk to the bathroom with my teddy bear clutched under my left arm and the phone tucked under my right ear. I have to shuffle the
phone to my left ear to make pulling down my pajama bottoms with my right hand practical. “So, screw you. You have a son. You have no idea how it feels to be alone, completely alone.”

  “Can’t I be enough for you? Wouldn’t it be enough to watch each other grow old and spend our best years together? You wouldn’t be alone. You’d be with me.”

  “Our best years?” I shake my head, not caring when I start to pee that he might hear.

  “Our golden years.”

  I snort. “Simon, I’m hanging up now.”

  “Wait, wait, wait.”

  “What?” I ask, clearly exasperated.

  “I need you.”

  I roll my eyes, letting silence fall between us.

  “How soon can I get you on a plane to Tokyo?”

  “I’m hanging up now.” Wiping, I realize that I am no longer bleeding. Hugging the teddy bear, I allow myself to hope I am pregnant until it is proven otherwise. I also decide to call Geri and dial the number that Tina programmed into my phone in case I changed my mind about calling her. It is a land phone because cell phone reception in Sandspit, British Columbia is non-existent.

  Still sitting on the toilet, I listen to the phone ring, and then I hear her voice. She says, “Hello,” twice before I find mine and manage to say, “Hi.”

  “Simone?” she asks, before adding, “I hate to do this, but can I call you back in like five minutes? I was kind of in the middle of something and I really do want to talk to you, I just need a couple minutes so that when I call you back, I can focus on just you.”

  I think I hear someone else in the background, but I don’t dwell on it. I tell myself that if she is with someone that someone doesn’t mean anything. That someone isn’t important. That someone is a distraction to help Geri forget me.

  I decide that I don’t want to be forgotten. “Sure, call me back.”

  “Great. Five minutes. Simone? I’m really glad you called. I’m going to call you right back.”

  I hang up, sighing, relaxing. Realizing I haven’t relaxed since the last time I saw Geri. I’ve been uptight and tense, waiting for her to show back up in my life without any impetus from me. Life just doesn’t work that way though, does it?

  I check myself one more time to see if I am bleeding. I decide I’m not and then I decide I need to figure out how much blood there was so that I can tell the doctor tomorrow morning. I decide less than a tablespoon, just spotting. I hope that is a good sign. I hope that the next time I have to go to the bathroom, I’m not bleeding again.

  I go back to bed, taking the teddy bear with me, and lie down, waiting for Geri to call.

  She doesn’t make me wait the entire five minutes. The phone is ringing before I even cover up. I get myself completely wrapped in blankets before I say, “Hello.”

  “Hi there, how are you?”

  “Not a good question today,” I say. “So maybe we can save that one for another time. Tell me about your new life in British Columbia, since that seems to be where you are living these days.”

  “Ah, I’m just here…chillin’…” I hear her trying to think of the best way to answer. “It’s taking longer than I thought it would, trying to get operations running smoothly.”

  “Really?” I say.

  “It’s just, with the takeover, I’m trying to reorganize and fire as few people as possible.”

  “That’s good, then.” I snuggle up against the teddy bear, just happy to hear Geri’s voice. I didn’t realize how much I’ve missed hearing it until just now. Her voice is somehow comforting.

  “It’s beautiful here. I’d love for you to see this place sometime.”

  I smile. “That would be nice.”

  “Are you okay? You don’t sound like yourself.”

  I start to cry. Damn hormones. “I’m fine,” I lie, burying my face into the teddy bear.

  “Talk to me…tell me what’s wrong, honey, you sound so sad.”

  “I am, but that isn’t why I called you. I want this to be a happy call. I just wanted to hear your voice.” I don’t say, I was hoping if you heard my voice, maybe you’d want to come back to Seattle. It sounds too pathetic to admit that I was hoping she’d miss me enough to want to come back. I was hoping she’d realize that she really did love me after all.

  “You’re crying,” she guesses. “I’m sorry about what I said in the park. I shouldn’t have said what I said and especially not the way that I did.”

  I shake my head, not willing to admit that I’ve lost her before I ever really had her.

  “Are you there?” she whispers.

  “We’re still friends, right?” I whisper into the receiver, my voice cracking. “Because I’ve just missed you and I know that sounds really pathetic, but I have, and I can’t imagine losing our friendship completely.”

  Silence meets my admission and I know it was a mistake I called her. Now I can be really sad on both counts.

  “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have called you. Be happy in Canada, Geri.” I hang up, not giving her a chance to answer. I really don’t expect her to call me back immediately, but she does, and I really don’t expect her to scream at me when I answer, but she does that too.

  “Will you please stop doing that?”

  “What?” I ask.

  “Hanging up on me before I have a chance to say what I want to say?”

  “I’m sorry,” I say, crying harder, but trying really hard not to let her know I’m crying.

  “And please stop apologizing!”

  “Okay. Fine. You’re the one who said that you felt nothing for me. That it was just sex for you.”

  “No, Simone. That’s not what I said or what I meant to say. This isn’t something we should discuss on the phone.”

  I nod. “You’re right. It would be so much better to say it immediately after you give me an amazing orgasm.” I hang up on her. Why in the hell did Meg think I should call her?

  The phone rings again and I know it is her. I answer anyway.

  “Stop hanging up on me!”

  “Give me a reason to want to stay on the phone.”

  “I miss you.”

  “Great, you miss me,” I say sarcastically.

  “Will you give me a chance to say this the right way?”

  I don’t answer, allowing a heavy silence to fall between us.

  “Did you ever think that maybe I’m as messed up in the head about relationships as you are? Because I am and I don’t want to point blame at anyone for being the way I am. I just am. Sheila was always trying to analyze me, telling me why I was feeling the way I was feeling, pointing at things that happened in my childhood to make me feel like I’m not one- hundred-percent girl, or one-hundred-percent boy, but some kind of unnatural freak in the middle. She had theories about why I couldn’t commit to her, why I was infatuated with you… I just don’t want to have to think so hard when it comes to relationships. Love shouldn’t be so hard.”

  “You’re right,” I agree. “It should be easy, unconditional, undemanding.”

  We’re both silent after that. I close my eyes, realizing that as much as I wanted her body and her strength in my life, I’m not altogether certain that it was love making me pursue her. Did I need a Simon replacement? Or worse, was I just so terrified of raising a baby alone that I was trying to create something with her so that I wouldn’t have to do it alone? Oh God. “I gotta go!”

  “Are you okay?”

  “Yes. Fine. There’s something I have to do,” I tell her in a rush. “Thanks for talking to me. I’ll leave you alone now.” I hang up and I don’t answer when she calls back. Instead, I get out of bed and get dressed. I am not going to sit around waiting for a fairytale. I’m going to get back to living my life.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Simon sounds as surprised to hear my voice when I call him as Geri sounded when I told her I had to go. “Are you certain Tokyo is ready for Simone Sinclair?”

  “Definitely.” I hear the hope in his voice. I knew it all along. He didn�
�t need me, he needed me…and in the end it is just remembering who you are dealing with that makes all the difference.

  “I’m going to need a house, not an apartment, you are going to have to arrange transport for my Lotus, and I’m there as the co-owner and producer. I get to hire the directors, consultants, writers, and actors as I see fit.”

  “Like I said, Simone, it’s your baby. How soon can you get your cute little ass to Tokyo?”

  “I’ll let you know. I have a doctor’s appointment in the morning and my travel dates will hinge on that.”

  “You’re still going to have a baby.” He makes it a statement, not a question.

  “That’s the plan, Simon. Now find me a house in Tokyo as nice as the one I’m living in and I’ll let you know about my travel schedule tomorrow night.”

  The official prognosis from the doctor is that it is too early to tell. I may have lost the baby. I may still have a chance at a successful pregnancy. I’ve been instructed to take a home pregnancy test on Friday and then another one every day for five days until I get a positive result or, at the end of the fifth day, it is determined by ultrasound that the embryos didn’t implant. I continue taking the progesterone to thicken the wall of my uterus. Great, more hormones, more crying jags. But at least the in-vitro hasn’t been ruled a failure.

  As much as I want to drive home and crawl into bed with the teddy bear that Geri bought me, I don’t. There’s too much to do if I am going to move to Tokyo in a week and, regardless of my pregnancy test results, I am leaving here in seven days. My remaining eggs are frozen and travel between Tokyo and Seattle isn’t that difficult, so I can come back for the procedure. I’ll just need a doctor in Tokyo to supervise my hormone schedule.

  Simon called to tell me that a real estate agent downtown is expecting me at noon to show me three choices. That gives me forty minutes to cross town.

  I still can’t believe I am moving to Tokyo.

  I can’t imagine what has possessed me to choose this path, but it seems right, and I feel more powerful than I have in weeks. Taking charge of my life has made a huge improvement in my mood and honestly, I don’t think I gave Tokyo a full chance before and maybe that was in part because I was so worried about Geri’s opinion of me. Well, screw that. That’s what I’ve learned in this mess.