Accidentally on Purpose

by L. D. Davis

  "Some of your late nights at the office were booty calls!"

  "Some, but not all," he answered, looking at the floor.

  "Oh my god!" I laughed because it helped dissolve the lump in my throat. "And when was the last time you got some?"

  "If I answer, you have to answer the same question," he insisted.

  I looked away, flipped some pancakes. I didn't want to play twenty questions anymore. I said "Don't answer" at the same time he answered with "two weeks ago."

  I stared down at the pancakes, feeling a pressure building in my chest. Luke has been sleeping with at least one woman, and while it shouldn't have bothered me in the least and was even something I had expectations of at one time, things had changed and this revelation was hurtful.

  "Now, your turn," he said from the doorway.

  I put some pancakes on a plate and added more to the pan while he patiently waited for my answer.

  "Almost a year and a half," I said quietly.

  "You're kidding me."

  "Nope."

  Lucas yelled for Luke, who reluctantly left the kitchen. I let out a big breath I didn't know I had been holding. I chastised myself for giving him that information, making myself look ridiculous and hopeless.

  I put Luke's breakfast on the dining room table and started out of the room.

  "Aren't you eating?"

  "I want to take a shower before you leave," I called over my shoulder and shut the bedroom door behind me.

  I took forever in the shower, unable to focus on the simple task of shaving my legs and nicked myself a few times. Washing my long hair always took a while, but I would wake up from a daze with my hands unmoving in my soapy head. By the time I stepped into the bedroom in a towel, Luke was dressed and tying his sneakers on the bed.

  "Lucas crashed," he said. "Hopefully he'll sleep this afternoon, too."

  "Okay," I said. I started rooting around in drawers for something to wear.

  "I'm sorry," Luke said from the doorway.

  "For what?"

  "I was really insensitive a little while ago."

  "It's fine," I shrugged.

  "No, it's not fine, Emmy. I was an ass, and I'm sorry."

  "Okay. Forgiven."

  "Okay. I'll be back in a few hours, maybe around three."

  "Take your time."

  He walked out of the room but returned seconds later.

  "I'm really going to the office to work, nothing shiesty will be going on. I promise."

  "Luke, you don't owe me any explanations."

  "I do, and I'll just be honest about it next time. So, there will be no question about it in your head."

  "I don't want to know," I said. I meant to sound firm, but instead I sounded like I was pleading, and in my mind I was. I didn't want to know every time he was going to go fuck some girl.

  He stood there staring at me, his mouth open. "I'm sorry."

  "Dude, stop apologizing and go to work already," I forced a chuckle. "It's fine - I'm fine. Really."

  "Okay. I'll be home as soon as I'm done."

  "Okay, okay." I waved him away, but he stood rooted to the floor. "What now?"

  "I don't want you to think that you're not...attractive or desirable."

  "Oh my god, Luke! Can you just go!"

  "Because you are. You're probably hotter than ever before, but we just have so much...shit between us and we're not really on the same page and..."

  "You know what? If it will make you feel better, I will go get laid tonight. I'm sure I can find a date. Then you won't feel so...weird, and you are being really, really weird."

  His face fell. "Sorry. I'm leaving." And with that, he finally left.

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  Weeks passed, but not without some small changes. For example, one morning when Luke was leaving for work, he kissed Lucas on the head as he always did. Without any hesitation, he kissed my cheek before going out the door. He did the same when he got home from work that day. After that day, the kisses to the cheek became commonplace, even in the mornings as a greeting.

  Then there was the hand holding. This started in the park one day. Luke carried Lucas, because Lucas was tired, cranky, and didn't want to walk anymore. With his free hand, he took mine, in the middle of a conversation, so I didn't comment on it. Then I thought it would be rude to do so, so I didn't. That, too became commonplace, not just in the park, but wherever we went together.

  Luke stopped working late in the office, opting to bring home is work instead. I don't know if he just wanted to be home with Lucas, or if he was trying to prove to me he wasn't sleeping around, but then I didn't think it mattered what I thought. We weren't a couple. I dismissed that line of reasoning and just assumed it was about Lucas and the creature comforts of home.

  "We need to move," he said one night, trying to find room at the table for his papers. "We're outgrowing this apartment. We need a house, where Lucas can play outside."

  "Oh," I said. I never thought this far ahead. I never imagined leaving this apartment, but he was right. It was getting tight.

  "I'll call an agent tomorrow," he said, frustration laced throughout his voice.

  "Can I get you something before I go to bed?"

  "No, I'm fine. If I need anything, I can get it. Thanks."

  I turned to go into the bedroom when a thought occurred to me.

  "Luke, why don't you sleep in the bed tonight? You've been working your ass off and sleeping on a blow-up bed. It hardly seems fair."

  "Are you trying to seduce me, Miss Grayne?"

  I snickered. "I'm pretty sure my girly parts have withered up and turned to dust by now. I'm serious, though. Just come to bed when you're ready. I can come out here."

  "I'll think about it," he nodded slowly. "Goodnight." He took a few steps and kissed my cheek.

  "Lata." I gave him the peace sign and disappeared into the bedroom.

  I don't know what time it was when I felt Luke climb into bed next to me. I mumbled something about taking the couch, but his hand on my hip restrained me.

  "Does it bother you to sleep in the same bed as me?" He asked.

  I looked over my shoulder at him. There was just enough moonlight seeping through the windows to highlight his facial features. The view was stunning, so stunning I forgot what he asked.

  "What did you say again?"

  "Does it bother you to sleep in the same bed as me?"

  "No. I thought it bothered you."

  "Maybe in the beginning, but not for the reasons you would think."

  I rolled my head back to my pillow. "I didn't put much thought into it."

  For a little while, it was quiet. Only Lucas's soft snoring could be heard. Luke's hand stayed on my hip, unnerving me a little.

  "I want to ask you something, and I want you to be straight with me."

  I rolled over onto my back so I could look at him. He readjusted his hand so that it rested on my belly and propped up his head with his other hand.

  "What is it?" I asked.

  "Did Kyle hit you?"

  I held my breath for a moment, tried not to look as startled as I felt. "Why are you asking me that?"

  "You alluded to it months ago. You said something about being used and abused, and then when I asked you about your last day in Philly, you said you didn't want to talk about it."

  "That doesn't mean anything," I said, feeling cornered.

  "Yeah, I knew you would react this way, so I talked to your mom and Mayson."

  "What the fuck," I muttered. I rolled away from him and out of bed. He followed me into the living room, talking.

  "Mayson said you came back from a trip to Miami with a broken wrist, and the day after the cast was off you were walking around with that fancy bracelet. You told her you fell while you were drunk, but she didn't believe you, and she especially didn't believe you after you started wearing the bracelet. She thought it was some kind of compensation from Kyle probably breaking your wrist."

  "Mayson is a crazy bitc
h. You can't believe anything she says," I snarled.

  "That's cruel and wrong and you know it," he said firmly.

  I kept walking away from him, but he kept following me.

  "Your mom said she didn't even know about the broken wrist until I asked her today. You gave her a different story about the bracelet. She also said you called her a little after midnight New Years and told her you were going to be there later in the day. You got there a day late, claiming you were in a car accident to explain away the fresh bruises on your face, on your arms, and even on your back."

  I stared at him in horror. Every day I had to work on eradicating those memories from my head. I kept only enough as a reminder of the things that can happen to me when I fuck other people over.

  "He really fucked up your head, didn't he?" Luke asked. "You feel like you deserved everything he did to you."

  I didn't have anything to say. I just stood there staring at the floor, and he stood there watching me watch the floor.

  He sighed, shuffled around a little.

  "I'm sorry. I shouldn't press you like that. When you're ready to talk about it, I will always be ready to listen." A lingering kiss on my cheek and he was gone.

  I looked at the clock on the oven. It was three-thirty in the morning, and I knew sleep was going to elude me the rest of the night. I shuffled into the living room and planted myself on the couch. I sat there until the sun came up, trying hard not to let the bad shit from the past take over my emotions. I was able to get a grip by the time Lucas woke up.

  I bathed him, dressed and fed him all before Luke rolled out of bed. He looked as bad as I felt, tired, worried, drained.

  "I'm not going in today," I said, packing up Lucas's diaper bag. "Can you drop him off at Lena's?"

  "I'm not going in either," he yawned. "I'll drop him off anyway."

  Okay, so I was being unreasonable, I realized. I had never spoken to anyone about the things Kyle did to me. Speaking about it aloud was distressing. I didn't want people to know how weak I was, how stupid I was, and did I think I deserved it? I felt that karma was a bitch, and karma got me good.

  What happened to me was embarrassing, and was so far apart from the person everyone thought I was. I knew everyone would look at me differently, and even though I was definitely different in countless ways, I didn't want to be pitied. I'm sure Luke didn't want to extend me his pity. Honestly, I wasn't sure what Luke's intentions were. His behavior over the past several weeks were confusing. I didn't know where it all was going.

  I was exhausted. I picked myself up off of the couch and dragged my tired ass to bed. I wanted to occupy my mind for a while, with someone else's life. I picked up my kindle and started to read some Jennifer Weiner. Kyle came in a little while later.

  "I have such a crazy headache," he grumbled as he kicked off his shoes. "I feel like my head is going to explode."

  Forever ago, when Kyle was my boyfriend, when he had a headache, he would lay his head in my lap and I would run my fingers through his hair, letting them gently graze his head. As if no time had passed since the last time we did this, he got into bed and put his head in my lap. Hesitantly, I put my free hand in his hair and began the old ritual.

  I went back to reading while my hand was lost in his soft hair, pretending that this wasn't an unusual event, pretending that it wasn't giving me butterflies big enough to make me want to hurl. I read the same sentences over and over again before I understood the words, taking forever to get through a few short paragraphs.

  Luke was silent and I heard his breathing slow down. I looked down at his sleeping form, amazed. What the fuck was happening here?

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  Eventually, I was able to fall asleep after readjusting myself under Luke so that his head rested on my stomach instead of my lap. When I woke up a couple of hours later, he was sitting up, remote control in hand, lazily changing the channels.

  "You hungry?" He asked, when I sat up.

  "I could eat."

  "I'll order some pizza and wings."

  "Sure," I said and got up to go pee. "How's your head?"

  "Perfectly fine thanks to your magic fingers."

  "Cool."

  When I came out of the bathroom, Luke had his laptop open on the bed.

  "I ordered our food."

  I sat down next to him and looked at the screen. He was on a real estate site, scrolling through pictures of houses.

  "Where do you want to move to?" I asked.

  "Maybe closer to Lena? What do you think?"

  "It doesn't matter to me. As long as it's pretty safe. You want to get away from the city?" We currently lived almost in the heart of Chicago, not far from downtown and all of the tourist areas.

  "I think so, but I don't want a two hour commute to work either. Maybe somewhere close to public transportation."

  I nodded in agreement. "How big of a place are you thinking of?"

  "Four bedrooms and a space for an office."

  I nodded again, counting who was going in what bedrooms in my mind. "So, we'll have one room left over for a guest room. What are we going to do if, you know, you get married or something? I mean, it's something to think about if we're buying a house together."

  He looked at me funny, like I just said the dumbest thing.

  "What happens if you get married?" He asked.

  I almost laughed. A stupid chuckle left my mouth instead. "I think my current state is as good as it's gonna get for me. I'm so not on the market."

  "Why would you even say that?" He said, irritated.

  "No one buys broken items," I sighed, and reached over him and scrolled through the houses.

  "People buy broken cars and fix them up all of the time."

  "I'm not a broken hot rod. I'm more like...a shattered vase. No one buys those."

  "Why are we talking about you like you're an inanimate object?"

  "What about this house?" I clicked on a four bedroom house, but Luke pushed my hand away and slammed the laptop shut.

  "This is driving me crazy," he said, jumping to his feet. "Sometimes I see that woman I knew so well, but as soon as she starts to come out, you push her back down into the dark."

  "That's poetic," I smirked, also getting to my feet. I needed something to do instead of sitting there. I started folding some clean laundry sitting in a basket.

  "Why?" He asked. "Why are you so afraid to be her?"

  "Maybe you've forgotten, but that woman you knew so well screwed you over and broke your heart."

  "You know what? Honestly?" He said, snatching the clothes away from me. "More often than you think, I do forget, and really, I may never forget entirely, but I have forgiven you. I forgive you entirely, no more animosity, but you can't forgive yourself."

  "Luke, really!" I snapped. "Why are you bombarding me with all of this serious shit lately?"

  "Because in order for us to move forward, we need to deal with that shit, Em. You need to deal with what Kyle did to you and you need to deal with your feelings about yourself."

  "I am dealing with it!"

  "Hiding behind your kid and your job will only hold up for so long."

  I rolled my eyes and exhaled loudly and walked out of the room. Luke was hot on my heels.

  "Great idea! Run away! That's a great way of dealing with your problems."

  I paced the living room, while Luke stood off to the side.

  "So, you've made some mistakes," he said, with a little less aggression. "We have all made some mistakes."

  "Yeah, your mistake was, how did you put it? Oh yeah. You had this inflated idea of who I was and it's not my fault that I didn't live up to your expectations." I stood in the middle of the room, staring at the floor, breathing heavily. Saying it out loud really made me understand how badly it had hurt me when he said it.

  "I was hurting pretty bad," he said softly. "I wanted you to feel my pain. I apologize, I didn't really mean it. Had I known then how deeply damaged you really were, I would have beha
ved differently, and I should have anyway. I didn't treat you the way I should treat the mother of my child. I've really been trying to make it up to you and be a better man."

  I didn't know what to say to that. I was a little surprised.

  "Em, I know you're broken, okay?" He said with a sense of urgency. "But I need to know what broke you so I can fix you."

  I stared at him for a dumbfounded moment before returning my attention back to the floor. "Why would you want to bother? Is it making me a bad mom?"

  "You're an excellent mother. I want to because I love you, and it kills me to see you like this."

  "Oh."

  I didn't have to respond, because the buzzer sounded. Luke grabbed his wallet and went down to meet the pizza guy. I sat down on the couch, feeling anxious and confused. Luke had not told me he loved me in a very long time. Did he love me love me? Or just love me as his baby mama?

  When he returned with the food, I expected him to pick up where we left off, but he didn't. We sat on the couch for the rest of the afternoon nibbling on pizza and wings and watching television. He sat close to me and always had an arm behind me across the back of the couch. My anxiety grew until I thought I would burst, but just before reaching that point, Luke got up and left to get Lucas.

  We slept in the bed together again that night, but this time my rest wasn't disrupted by intruding questions about my past. We crashed on opposite sides of the bed, much to my relief. In the morning, I woke up to find Luke and Lucas at the dining room table having a meaningful conversation about Elmo. I could only understand a few words, but Luke nodded and spoke at what seemed like the appropriate times.

  "Are you playing hooky again?" I asked Luke after kissing the baby good morning.

  "Impossible. I am co-owner of the firm. I can do whatever I want."

  "Humble."

  "I want to take Lucas to the zoo today and tonight you and I are having date night."

  "Date night?" I asked doubtfully.

  "Yep. I already asked Diane to babysit."

  Diane was Luke's nineteen year old cousin. She was cute and perky and all of the Kessler kids loved her.