Accidentally on Purpose

by L. D. Davis

"I know I'm not Brad Pit, but I think I make a pretty good date," Luke said when I didn't answer.

  I couldn't hide my small smile. "I guess."

  "Oh my god, Lucas! Did you see that?"

  "Smartass," I muttered and went into the kitchen.

  The boys went to the zoo, but I stayed home to clean and do laundry. Luke wasn't letting me off of the hook for date night, explaining that I needed to get out. Maybe he was right, because unless it was a family function, I didn't do anything or go anywhere. While he and Lucas were gone, I convinced myself that this was a good thing, that it didn't necessarily signify anything romantic.

  Diane arrived at four-thirty and Luke and I were out the door a few minutes later.

  "Where are we going?" I asked as we stomped down the sidewalk.

  "Let's just see where our feet take us," he said, taking my hand.

  "You mean you didn't plan anything?"

  "Nope."

  "You suck a little at this dating thing," I said.

  "Was that a joke?"

  "Nope."

  An hour later we found ourselves at a Barnes and Noble, standing a few feet apart, quietly sifting through books.

  "This is a hot date," I said.

  "I know you think so. The only thing missing are your sexy pink rubber gloves."

  "Maybe we should go buy some, I mean if that's what rocks your boat."

  "Only if you promise to wear the gloves and nothing else."

  I snickered. "Yeah, because my body is so rockin' after having a baby."

  "I think your body is even more rockin' than before you had a baby."

  I threw a sideways glance at him. "I haven't lost any weight since the day Lucas was born."

  "You're hot, I'm telling you," he tried to reassure me.

  "You think so now. You haven't seen the stretch marks on my belly."

  "I don't care about your stretch marks," he said, putting his book back on the shelf.

  I felt the conversation was going in a direction I wasn't ready to go in, so I changed the topic.

  "Are you flying to Jersey with me and Lucas for Labor Day?"

  Donya's baby was a couple of weeks old and I was anxious to see her in person. She named her Rosa, after her husband's deceased mother.

  "Do you want me to?" He looked at me.

  "Yeah. Sure."

  "Don't be so excited about it," he frowned. I think I actually hurt his feelings.

  "I don't get excited about anything these days. Don't take it personally."

  He looked at me doubtfully.

  "I would love for you to come," I said with as much excitement as I could muster.

  "Right here in the book store?" He feigned shock. "I knew my bad ass girl was in there somewhere. I haven't done it in a public place since that one time in the bathroom at the diner."

  "Walking away now," I said and left him in the aisle with the two older women who had just witnessed our whole conversation.

  We went to dinner after the book store. The first thing Luke did was order us some hardcore drinks. I eyeballed my drink with apprehension. I haven't had a hard drink since before I found out I was pregnant with Lucas.

  "Drink up," Luke insisted after devouring his.

  "This is going to hit me like a pile of rocks."

  "It will loosen you up a little."

  I narrowed my eyes at him. "Are you calling me uptight?"

  He pressed his lips together and we had a staring contest, but I quickly lost, because he was right. Every day I felt tightly wound, knotted even. Sometimes it was hard to breathe, because everything inside of me felt squeezed tight as hell, as if there was a boa constrictor slithering around inside of me, squeezing and squeezing, suffocating me.

  "Hey, are you okay?" Luke reached across the table and took my hand. And the snake squeezed a little tighter.

  Why does Luke make my condition worse? So stupid.

  I picked up the drink and took a deep breath. I wasn't going to sip it like a little bitch. I was a master at drinking in my past life. I was going to make this tall, hard ass drink my bitch. I downed it faster than Luke had downed his.

  He looked at me with a crooked smile while I made a face. Well, I couldn't allow that drink to make me make a face. I called the waitress over.

  "Two more please, and some shots of Hennessey."

  By the time our main course was served, I was lit. The snake was still there, but he had loosened up a little, or I was just numb and would feel it again during sobriety. I didn't have even half the drinks I would have had in the past, but all of those months without liquor made me feel like a drinking virgin.

  Luke drank some, but he wasn't feeling it like me. He had a perpetual grin on his face watching me and listening to me ramble on about nonsense. When we got up to leave, I forgot that I had on strappy sandals that Carrie Bradshaw would die for and almost fell on my face, but Luke caught me and kept a steady arm around my waist. I wrapped both arms around him.

  "You're sooooo good to me," I cooed as we waited on the sidewalk for a cab.

  He kissed the top of my forehead in response and waved down a cab. He helped me inside, leaned forward to tell the driver where to go and then settled back with his arm around me.

  "What's with all of the fucking little kisses lately?" I asked. "I don't know if you're kissing me like I'm a pet or like a friend or like a lover. They're really conflicting kisses!"

  He laughed and looked at me with something like adoration and said "I'm sorry. Let me clear that up for you." He put his hand under my chin and gently tilted my head and kissed me.

  Fireworks went off in my head. Heat exploded from my mouth where his tongue caressed mine. Electric currents sizzled from where his hand was under my chin and spread throughout my body, right down to the tips of my toes. Oblivious to the cab driver up front, I locked my hands around his neck and without taking my lips from his, slithered on to him and straddled him. I could feel him hard against me and I wanted it super bad. I didn't realize I was grinding against him until I felt his hands on my hips.

  "Hey," the cabbie called from the front, breaking our kiss and grinding session. "Why don't you pay me and take your sexcapades to your bedroom?"

  I opened the door, grabbed my pocketbook and stumbled off of Luke and onto the sidewalk outside our apartment building. I didn't wait for him, and rushed inside, not acknowledging the doorman or the guy that does security at night. As I rode the elevator to the sixth floor, I felt my boa constrictor again, squeezing me. Like a taught rubber band, things were snapping back into place. I was still fairly drunk though, but not enough to soothe the alarm that was beginning inside.

  I let myself into the apartment, forced a smile at Diane who was sitting on the couch with a Vogue magazine.

  "How was your night out?"

  "Great," I forced a smile.

  "Wow, you're drunk as hell," she giggled. She got up, picked up her backpack. "Where's Lukester?"

  "On his way up. How was Lucas?"

  "Perfect. He told me he 'wuvved' me."

  I smiled, because I thought I was supposed to.

  The door opened behind me, but I didn't turn to look at Luke.

  "Are you sober enough to drive me home?" Diane asked. She lived a good half hour away, longer when using public transportation as she did earlier, but I think we all would feel better if Luke took her home at this late hour.

  "Yeah, I'm good. I didn't have that much."

  "Thanks, Di," I said, giving her a hug goodbye.

  Luke touched my arm and I jumped.

  "I'll be back in an hour."

  "Drive carefully," I said, because I thought I was supposed to.

  They left and I collapsed onto the couch.

  While Luke was gone, I took a long shower, drank a bottle of Gatorade, and ate a baked potato. I was lying in bed in a tee shirt and shorts, staring at the dark ceiling when he came home. I heard him drop his keys on the table by the door, kick off his shoes knowing I would probably pick them up mysel
f later, and then I heard clicks as the lights in the living room went out. Once in the bedroom, I heard the jingle of his belt as he slid out of his jeans, and then I felt the bed shift as he climbed in beside me. He cuddled up close to me and draped his arm over me.

  "Too much too soon?" He whispered.

  "No. Maybe. I don't know," I said.

  "Tell me what you're thinking."

  I sighed. Now was as good a time as any.

  I told him about the snake, the suffocating, and how he sometimes made it worse. This was the most candid and open I have been with anyone in a very long time. I didn't exactly bare my soul, but I put enough out there to make me nervous; to feel vulnerable.

  "I didn't realize I make you feel worse," Luke said and started to pull away, but I grasped his arm and held it where it was.

  "It would probably be a good feeling if my past wasn't my past," I said quickly.

  "I only know some of it," he said carefully. "I know my part in it."

  "I know, but I'm not ready to talk about that. One thing at a time. It was hard enough telling you what I just told you."

  "Do you feel any better after getting it off your chest?"

  "No. It made it worse," I admitted.

  "Let me help you release some of that tension," he whispered and then began nuzzling my neck. His hand worked its way down to my inner thigh, but stopped there. "I won't continue unless you want me to."

  My body's natural reactions were winning. When I didn't answer him, Luke asked "Do you want me to continue?"

  After a brief hesitation, I answered, my voice barely heard above the pounding in my chest. "Yes."

  The word was barely out of my mouth before he was kissing me and sliding his hand up my shorts and quickly finding a spot that automatically made me quiver. For the first time ever, I understood and felt what the song "Like a Virgin" was all about.

  At first, I felt apprehensive about getting it on with my kid asleep in his little toddler bed a few feet away, but I quickly got over it.

  Luke remembered everything that turned me on, seemed familiar with every part of my body, inside and out. His hands and lips and tongue were everywhere. When he entered me, I had an instant orgasm, one of many that I had already had. He started out slow, but deep, but the animal inside of him took over and my head was soon slamming into the headboard and he had to keep a hand over my mouth so that my cries of ecstasy wouldn't wake our child. As we climaxed together, I clung tightly to him, wrapped my arms and legs around his body. It took several minutes afterward for me to slowly release him.

  "How do you feel now?" He whispered before we drifted off to sleep.

  "Much, much better," I sighed and instantly fell into a solid sleep.

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  I woke up in bed alone and naked. Lucas was missing from his bed, and I didn't hear anything from the living room. I pushed myself up and out of bed and shuffled into the master bathroom for a shower.

  Standing under the hot water, I tried to sort through my feelings. I was feeling so many things at once; I couldn't decide which emotion was bigger than the others. I was embarrassed, elated, angry, sad, giddy yet depressed, and definitely, definitely horny. I laughed one big "Ha" out loud.

  After getting dressed, I stepped into the empty living room just as Luke walked into the apartment, toting a bag from Panera Bread.

  "Where's Lucas?" I asked, feeling panic rising.

  "With Casey and Emmet. They're taking Owen and Lucas to the zoo."

  "Oh," I sighed with relief. "That's nice. Lucas loves No-nen," I smiled at the name my son gave my nephew because he couldn't say Owen.

  "I brought breakfast," Luke held up the Panera bag.

  "Cranberry orange muffin?" I asked with a hopeful expression.

  "Of course."

  I almost kissed him, but caught myself. I awkwardly patted his arm while he handed me the bag. Then I felt stupid for just patting his arm and cursed under my breath.

  "That was an impressive pat on my arm," Luke teased.

  "I know. I worked hard on it."

  "I can tell. You could teach a class on awkward arm pats."

  "You're jealous that your arm pats aren't as great as mine," I said as I walked into the kitchen to make a cup of coffee.

  "I have something for you," Luke said behind me.

  "If it's another muffin, I may have to pat both of your arms."

  "Damn. I don't have another muffin."

  "I'm sad."

  "I'm sad, too. I really could have used a double arm pat. All I have is this stupid piece of paper." His hand appeared in front of me, holding a check written out to me for two hundred and fifty thousand dollars.

  "What is this?" I asked, reaching out for it. I turned around to give Luke my full attention.

  "It's some of the money I owe you," he said.

  "I don't want it." I tried to hand it back, but he took a step back. "Luke, you can't afford to give this back to me yet."

  "Yes, I can. We've done extremely well, just had a big settlement."

  "Yes, you've done well, but..." I sighed and again held the check out to him. "Listen, I strongly suggest you talk to a financial advisor and hire an accountant full time. It may seem like you're good now, but shit happens."

  He sighed and reluctantly took the check from me. "I felt really good about paying you back."

  "Aww. Do you want me to pat your arm?"

  "Maybe later. I want to talk."

  "Oh boy. Can I at least have my coffee first?"

  "Are you incapable of talking with a cup of coffee?"

  "The damn stuff dribbles out of my mouth every time I try."

  "Maybe it's best to swallow rather than spit," he grinned.

  "Are we still talking about coffee?"

  "You're successfully avoiding an inevitable conversation."

  "You got me," I admitted. "I'm so not ready for that conversation."

  "I'm not going to let this one go."

  "I know," I said, and bit my bottom lip. "Maybe we can just postpone it."

  "I would need a damn good reason to postpone it."

  Without any longing looks or hesitation, he grabbed my ass with both hands, pressed my body to his and kissed me. His tongue felt so good in my mouth, I kissed back hungrily, trying to taste every ounce of him. He unbuttoned my capris and slipped his hand into my panties and slid a finger into me. I moaned into his mouth, and it didn't take long for me to reach an orgasm.

  Fired up and ready to go, Luke yanked my shorts and panties down and pulled my shirt off. He was out of his pants and boxers in a matter of seconds and before I could brace myself, he had lifted me up and slid into me. It reminded me of another time that I got dirty in a kitchen, but I quickly pushed the thought away.

  We ended up on the kitchen floor, ignoring the cold linoleum. Luke slowed his rhythm down as he ran his thumb gently over a scar in my hairline. He kept his eyes locked with mine.

  "I really love you," he said, slightly out of breath. "Do you love me?"

  "Always," I panted and then groaned when he pressed deeper inside of me.

  "Really?" He whispered, unconvinced.

  I knew he needed to hear it. I dug my nails into his back during another deep thrust.

  "I love you," I said.

  He kissed me and slammed into me so hard I slid backward. He held me close and slammed it home again, groaning and digging his fingers into my skin. He slowed down again after a moment.

  "You love me, but you don't want me," he said with such sadness, I burst into tears.

  Crying, I had the biggest orgasm of my life as Luke held me tighter than ever and rocked into me and climaxed with me. He wiped at my tears.

  "I didn't mean to make you cry," he said.

  I covered my face, unable to stop the gushing tears. I had not cried since the day Lucas was born, and even then, it was because my vagina felt like it was being torn to pieces. Every painful memory and emotion I had stored up decided this was a good time to be
released.

  Luke helped me off of the floor and tried to soothe me, but I was inconsolable.

  His phone rang in his pants on the floor. He ignored it, even after it went off a second time, choosing to hold me instead, but when my own phone rang in the bedroom, he released me.

  "Maybe Lucas is sick or something," he said.

  I wiped my face with a couple of paper towels and tried to get a grip. I could hear Luke talking in the other room, but I couldn't hear what he was saying. When he returned, his expression was dark.

  "My mom was just rushed to the hospital."

  Out of sheer panic, I stopped sobbing. We scrambled around the kitchen to get our clothes on. Luke made a quick trip to the bathroom and then we were out the door.

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  Grace Kessler had fallen down the stairs of her home. She broke her left arm and hit her head, requiring ten stitches and a twenty-four hour stay in the hospital for observation.

  While the siblings argued about whether or not she should be permitted to live alone, or whether or not she needed to move into a safer environment, I stood by myself on the other side of the waiting room, looking out of a window. My mother was on her way to Chicago, summoned by Lena. I was trying to mentally prepare myself for that, but just couldn't do it. I almost didn't care. Had bigger things on my mind. Like Luke.

  Eventually, the conversation would arise, and I had to have straight forward answers. That wasn't easy considering I didn't really have any. All I knew for sure was that when I was confronted with any opportunity to love and be loved, I had the intense reaction to run the other way.

  "Are you okay?" Luke asked.

  I didn't know how long I had been standing at the window, but Lena and Lorraine were gone.

  "You've barely said two words since we left the apartment," he said.

  "I'm sorry," I said, turning to face him. "Are you okay? How are you holding up?"

  "I'm okay. I have a hard time accepting the fact that my mom is getting so old."

  "It's funny. Your mom falls down the stairs accidentally, and I want to shove my mom down the stairs on purpose all of the time."

  He attempted a smile, but it quickly faltered and ended in a sigh.