Her Lover (Belle de Seigneur)

by Albert Cohen

  Striking a tragic attitude, he drew one hand across his glistening brow to wipe away his sorrow.

  'You have a way with words, O learned one,' said Solomon.

  'I am perfectly well aware of that. But to continue my oration. What happened then, O Michael? You bade us go with you on a secret mission, the nature of which you cruelly refused to divulge despite my tender entreaties, though you promised to explain all when we reached the theatre of operations where the plot was to be executed. To this I acquiesced. More, I humbly bowed my head and armed myself with patience while you attended to your toilet, endless ablutions and sprinklings of perfumes accompanied by warbling of mindless love-songs and the application of the pomade yclept Hungarian to your dyed moustache, the ends of which you raised and fixed in place by means of a fine but absurd net which remained anchored to your ears for some considerable time.'

  'Moderate the roar of your flatulence, for pity's sake,' said Michael, 'for I can barely hear what you say.'

  'I always break wind when I am upset, dear Michael. But, to resume, we embarked on this mission, bearing the victuals in high hopes of a convivial repast after unveiling of said secret!'

  'I know all that. Why bother to tell me?'

  'Because there you have the exordium, the necessary prolegomena and indispensable ingredient of any speech, the marrow of eloquence and heart of the edifice of the orator's craft, that's why! And so, armed with viands which thus far had profited us not, we came with you in this self-propelling conveyance (and I burdened, to boot, with my London telescope, which, though cumbersome, I brought along just in case), in total ignorance of the true purpose of our nocturnal foray! Righteous, bewildered but trusting in your promise to explain all when the hour was ripe, I resigned myself to knowing nothing, not even the reason why an oil-fired carriage should be conveying us bouncingly to our first stop at the place called Bellevue, in which neighbourhood, so you told us — for, say I with a sneer, it would appear you know everything pertaining to the circumstances and events of the life of Saltiel's nephew — in the neighbourhood of which, I say again, was situate his auxiliary castle. There you conveyed to a drowsing servant a note signed by His Excellency, bade the stable doors be opened wide, and there, in inexorable silence, you saddled two palfreys, both magnificent but equally bereft of reason, and we stood by and watched bewildered while, tight-lipped as ever and showing no compassion for my thirst for explanations, you held the reins of one, climbed upon the back of the other, O heathen, and bade the captain of the hired vehicle to lead the way and ferry all of us, your hookah included, unto this present place! Well now, friend, here we are, and I put an oliphant to my lips and summon you to remember your oath! Come, explain yourself! Tell me why I am here, I who know nothing of your plotting and who am of less use than a plenipotentiary minister and more sterile than an ambassador! Has not this faithful account of my torments moved, swayed and disarmed you?'

  He closed his eyes, gulped like a runner breasting the tape, held out an imperious hand to Solomon, demanded his handkerchief, wiped the perspiration from his forked beard, undid the buttons of his frock-coat, dabbed at his streaming chest, which was matted with grey hairs, and pocketed the handkerchief. Proud of his speech and of the mouths of his cousins which hung open, he crossed his arms and turned to Michael with a magnanimous smile.

  'Having now soberly summarized my principal arguments, I leave the philippic and move on to the peroration, with due change of register and the requisite injection of emotional appeal. Dearly beloved Michael, apple of my heart, O scion of a generous-hearted people, grant my wheedling request and preserve the life of a father for the sake of his dear babes! You cannot be unaware that when an unsolved enigma rises to the brain it may unleash a fatal brainstorm otherwise known as meningitis? What would then become of my poor orphans so cruelly deprived of a much-loved father? Oh tears, oh the weeping, oh the wailing of children! Given which, gentle Michael, would you not agree that, out of earshot of both these cousins, if such is your wish, in most scrupulous confidence, friendly conference and heartfelt effusion, would you not agree that the two of us should discuss your secret mission amicably, so that you may have the benefit of my advice and the churnings of my brain while I, on the other hand, may learn this succulent secret and discourse thereon at length and thus soothe my throat and sweeten my tongue?

  I need hardly say that this cherished secret so affectionately shared would be kept entirely to myself until the day I die, inclusive, you have my word on it! And now, O janissary, harken to what I say! I have been your friend and cousin for more than half a century and my love for you has no bounds, but unless you divulge, at least to me, the purpose of our presence in these nocturnal surroundings, together with the reason for these horses and yonder waiting motor, know primo that I shall expire of unslaked curiosity, which would be a shame, and besides you have absolutely no right to cause my death in the prime of my days! Know secundo, O lion of Abyssinia, that not only will my ghost return to curdle your blood but furthermore I shall send two anonymous letters, one to the Captain of Customs at Cephalonia with details of your smuggling career and the other to the Christian Attorney General of the isle of our birth informing him in no uncertain terms of your ignoble dalliance with his daughter, which would mean the scaffold for you, and I shall be there munching toffees as they chop off your head. And know at the last that I shall never speak to you again as long as I live! So, what are we doing here and what is this earth-shattering affair?'

  'Come, speak,' said Mattathias.

  'It is our nature to want to know secrets,' explained Solomon.

  Having thus summed up the situation with plain common sense, little Solomon gave his mind to the matter of his health. To this end, he turned up the collar of his tiny sheepskin coat to protect his precious throat, then tied two large handkerchiefs horizontally across his round, freckled face, making himself look like a half-grown Tuareg, to ward off night chills so apt to inflame the teeth. Confident that he had done all that was necessary to prolong his life on this earth, he waited upon the unfolding of these absorbing events, with a pleasant smile on his lips and hands quietly held behind his back, while nevertheless keeping a close watch on the grass around him for any vipers which were quite likely to be lurking there.

  'Kill me,' begged Naileater, suddenly falling to his knees. 'Strangle me, dearest Michael, but speak! Wring my neck, if that is your wish! Here, take it, it is yours!' he said, still on his knees, holding his chin high and proffering his throat. Throttle me, friend, choke me, but tell all as you squeeze my life away. For this secret which I do not know is driving me insane! It turns my blood to vinegar and makes me more helpless than any of my poor, dead, sucking babes! O Michael, look kindly on your very dear friend, who now waits on bended knee in expectation!'

  Aquiver with passionate sincerity, he waited for death to strike as he knelt in supplication, hands extended prayerfully and neck still held in pious offering, staggered by the depth of his sacrifice and sneaking a glance to see what effect it was having on the three watchers. After a long silence, Michael stood up, drew his damascened dagger from his wide belt, tested its edge on a fingernail, and pointed it at his cousins.

  'Comrades,' he said, 'this is a blade of well-tempered steel and, as points go, its point is sharp indeed. Whoever dares to follow me with a view to spying on my secret purpose will get the taste of it in his belly and his blubber. So if any of you has such an intention, let him now, for the last time, call upon the Oneness of our God.'

  Having thus spoken, he sheathed his dagger and from the recesses of his gold-braided jacket produced a sheet of paper folded in four, which he pressed piously to his lips to deepen the enigma and inflame the curiosity of the cousins. Then, holding it in his dangling hand, he set off, lady-killingly rolling his hips, in the direction of the Deumes' house, broad-shouldered and tall, while Naileater, on his feet now and brandishing his fist, hurled abuse in an abundance matched only by its virtuosity, wishing, inter al
ia, that he might live to be a hundred, but eyeless, and vainly pleading for charity from his bastards.

  CHAPTER 74

  'Now that the first part of my mission has been successfully accomplished, I shall tell the secret,' said Michael, on rejoining the cousins. 'But first, Naileater, give us something to drink.'

  'With all convenient speed! I have an eye to it!' exclaimed Naileater. 'To hear is to obey, dear friend!'

  He immediately uncorked a bottle of retsina and filled the glasses which the cousins held out to him. So that he might enjoy Michael's tale without impediment, Solomon removed both anti-inflammatory handkerchiefs and his tiny coat. However, as a protection for his throat, which he insisted was delicate, he wrapped his neck in one of those ghastly white tippets made of goat-fur which good little middle-class girls used to wear at the end of the last century.

  'My throat is now safe from besiegement,' he said to Michael. 'You may speak, O man of valour!'

  'Come along, Michael, unstop your mouth or I shall burst!' exclaimed Naileater. 'I stand impatiently on the frontiers of impatience, to the point of entirely forgetting all that mouth-watering fare contained in yon hampers! Be expeditious with your tale and we shall dine when it is told, when our curiosity is satisfied!'

  'No, we shall dine first,' said Michael.

  'But you will not forget your promise?'

  'I swear it by the living God!'

  'Oh how delighted I am to hear it!' cried Solomon. 'Oh how my heart sings! At pudding-time, we shall know the secret!'

  'No,' said Michael. 'After the pudding.'

  'After the pudding! So be it!' cried Solomon. 'O my dear friends, after pudding, our souls shall be enriched by knowledge of this great secret! Rapture the like of which you have never known, mark my words!' he squeaked, and he waggled his little legs like knitting-needles.

  'You sound happy as a baby in its cot,' said Michael.

  Naileater, who was goodwill incarnate, for disclosure was imminent, transformed himself into an impromptu butler. Removing the frock-coat which covered his naked torso, he spread it on the grass for a tablecloth, set out on it the assorted victuals, and, like some hairy-chested master of ceremonies, announced them by name as they emerged from the two hampers.

  Tour pairs of botargos, of which I, exercising my right to the lion's share, commandeer half! Anyone against? Motion carried! One dozen large, fried, crispy squid, perhaps a touch on the tough side, but all the more delectable for that! Eight for me, because squid is my all-consuming passion! A large clutch of eggs hard-boiled for a whole day in water flavoured with olive oil and fried onions so that the flavour soaks well in! Of this I was assured by our noble grocer-cum-victualler and co-religionist, whom God preserve, amen! Tomatoes, peppers, succulent olives and raw onions for nibbles! Aromatic cheese fritters also simply begging to be gobbled up! Twenty-eight meat-and-pinenut patties! Large ones! Stuffed gooseneck to be consumed with love! Beef sausages guaranteed kosher, the little darlings! Roasted, guiltless kid to be eaten with the fingers and pilau rice, which I shall roll into little balls and then gently pop down my gullet! Six bots retsina, two being already earmarked for my good self! Deliciously chewy honey fritters, quantities of Turkish delight and sesame nougat to close the proceedings and accompany eructations of satisfaction! And finally, for incidental gratification, roasted pumpkin seeds, fried chick-peas and salted pistachios designed to quicken the thirst and destined to be most ambrosially crunched during the unbuttoning of the secret! Come, gentlemen, to table! Let there be eating and drinking and gnashing of teeth!'

  Sitting in a circle on the grass under the hayrick, the Valiant stuffed themselves to the limits of brimfulness, masticating manfully and exchanging smiles. When the groaning board had been picked clean, Michael sat cross-legged, loosened his cartridge-belt, removed his Turkish slippers to be comfy, stroked his bare feet, and cleared his throat.

  'The hour of disclosure has struck in your lives and several fates,' he proclaimed.

  'Harken!' cried Solomon.

  'Silence, O pea-brain!' thundered Naileater. 'And a cancer upon your wagging tongue!'

  'But I only said it so that everybody would listen and not talk!' protested Solomon.

  'Close and padlock your mouth, oaf!' ordered Naileater. 'We are all ears, dear Michael! Please proceed and speak your divine speech!'

  'But first, I will put a question to you, O Naileater. Why do your masticating jaws never stop working day and night?'

  'On account of vitamins, coz. Plus, I would add, frequent visits of black dog which call for consolation. To me, eating is really more a need of the spirit than a function of the body! And now, O great one, open the door of the secret and speak your courteous, finely chiselled speech! Say on!'

  'Ahem,' began Michael. 'This morning we were, as you recall, in Athens, where, suddenly moved by a desire to see the face of his lord and nephew, the revered Saltiel impulsively resolved that we should leave by flying-machine.'

  'I thought my hour had come,' noted Solomon.

  'O hoary-moustached old sinner, why do you expatiate on matters of our common past with which we are as well acquainted as you yourself?' said Naileater indignantly. 'Come to the point! Explain what we are doing here with two horses and an oil-fired conveyance!'

  'Just a moment, dear Michael, don't start yet. I must just answer a call of nature,' said Solomon.

  'A second cancer upon your importunate bladder, O postponer of disclosures!' bawled Naileater.

  'I'll go over there, to be polite, but I'll be back in a jiffette,' said Solomon, and he went, but not without first taking his leave with a graceful bow.

  'Pay no attention to the insignificant little tick and his unseemly interruption,' said Naileater. 'Start without him!'

  'We shall wait for him,' said Michael. 'Why should I deprive the poor little fellow of the pleasure of knowing the secret?'

  Having spoken, he played with his toes to pass the time, then yawningly crooned a love-song. Meanwhile, Mattathias chewed his gum and did sums with a pencil, and Naileater entertained himself and calmed his nerves by waggling the toes of his large, bare feet.

  'Mission accomplished,' sang out Solomon as he returned. He looked highly pleased with his little self. 'That didn't take long, did it? I do assure you it couldn't wait, for I drank large quantities of fizzy lemonade at the hotel! And very good lemonade it was too! I shall take some back for my dear wife! That's better! Now I'm light as a feather! But I felt horribly scared behind that tree by myself! I was afraid dead persons would jump out and get me! But now it's over, thanks be to God, and I am back safe with my dear cousins!'

  'Come, O janissary of our hearts, speak!' cried Naileater. 'Speak your nectareous words, for our ears are open to the fullest setting of their apertures!'

  'Now hear this, O friends and frisking kidlets,' began Michael, 'give ear and know, you who hear me, who have been my trusty vassals over years of the span of time, be apprized that the matter concerns an affair of the heart and that lord Solal is fired with passion and embroiled in dalliance!'

  'Is she pretty?' asked Solomon.

  'As a water-melon,' replied Michael.

  Convinced by this and with eyes that glistened with admiration, Solomon ran his tongue over his lips.

  'An authentic rose of Araby and like unto the moon in its fourteenth day!' he said. 'He will marry her, you see if he doesn't, mark my words!'

  'Out of the question,' said Michael. 'She comes already provided with a husband.' (At this, the tuft of hair on Solomon's head rose all by itself, like virtue outraged.)

  'Fine, he's positively incandescent with passion, agreed,' said Naileater. 'But what connection is there between said passion, these two horses and the backfiring vehicle? And what were you up to just now, when you visited yonder house and forbade us to follow under pain of having our bellies slit open in the manner of the Japanese?'

  'Merely carrying out the first part of my mission according to orders honourably received,' said Michae
l. 'I shall explain everything in due course, for each event must be told in order and in its own time. The nub, then, is a bed matter involving a charming creature ready supplied with a deceived husband.' (Solomon covered his ears, but left a tiny gap.)

  'You've said that once!' said Naileater. 'Proceed with your exposition and stop being so pompous!'

  'When, through the bond of friendship, I was privileged to see him alone in his apartments, he confided to me that he had arranged a secret tryst with the delightful creature for this evening, at nine o'clock. I besought him to allow me to go with him, for I have a tooth for such adventures. Besides, did I not, in the time of his youth, aid and abet his carrying-off of the tall and ample spouse of a consul?'

  'Get to the point!' cried Naileater.

  'I found favour in his eyes, for he is extremely fond of me, and he did me the glory and honour of accepting. And so, travelling at unbelievable speeds in his long, white conveyance, we reached this place a little after nine, and I escorted him to a door not far from this spot but which you cannot see since it is hidden by trees. Now just as he was raising his hand to ring the jangle-box, the door opened and the delicious filly appeared, and well endowed she was, fore and aft, an indispensable requirement. After I had twirled and retwirled my moustache and directed passionate oglements towards one who was as lovely as a pasha's daughter, I withdrew to a discreet distance, which was yet not so far away that I could not see with my eyes and hear with my ears, though I let it be understood by my demeanour that I was both deaf and blind. They began with a kiss which appeared to me to belong, in fencing parlance, to the category known as the inside reverse double columbine, but to that I would not like to swear. Then the gorgeous girl spoke, expounded an exposition, and I was privy to everything. And oh, my friends, in a voice of such sweet harmony!'