Her Lover (Belle de Seigneur)

by Albert Cohen

  'But what did she say in this voice of celestial euphony?' asked Solomon, who had unstopped his ears.

  The vixen, a true daughter of Satan like all her kind, explained that on hearing the approach of the horseless carriage and in consequence divining the imminent arrival of he who was the idol of her heart and limbs, she immediately informed her petty half that she had a mind, to prepare an infusion which the Gentiles call by the name of tea. Whereupon, under the pretence of repairing to the kitchen, she ran out into the garden which we had that moment entered! Such was the explanation which I heard while maintaining my pretence of deafness,' concluded Michael, and he began picking his teeth with a match to raise the interest and tension to a new pitch.

  'Proceed without further ado, by the prophets!' Naileater besought him. 'Proceed, for I am as a man racked upon a white-hot gridiron!'

  'Next, after a second embrace of a type not wholly visible to me in the gloom but which was in all likelihood a touche in tierce with grapple and follow-through, the fair filly said that as soon as she could slip the vigilance of her walking disaster, who is soft as wax and as clinging as tar, she would communicate with her treasure tomorrow by means of the speakoduct so that they might delight in their bodies together upon a couch of silk.' (Solomon reblocked his ears.)

  'And is that how the she-devil expressed it?' asked Naileater.

  'No, she used words scoring high in respectability and poetry, but I have told you what she had in the recess of her brainpan. Ah, dear cousins, what ingenuity these ladies of Europe display on behalf of any man suitably equipped with the wherewithal to turn night into joy!'

  'An end to these general observations!' cried Naileater. 'Proceed with the particular!'

  'Next, upon her enquiring who I was, he beckoned me to come near and introduced me as his liegeman and confidant.'

  'You are speaking exceedingly well today,' said Naileater.

  'That is because the fumes of youth are rising on my tongue. Having thus been introduced, I knelt on the ground and kissed the hem of her raiment, whereupon she immediately gave me a winsome smile. (Ears unblocked, Solomon sighed.) A smile of great warmth, for she was doubtless impressed by the breadth of my shoulders and the braid on my uniform. For make no mistake, the ladies of Europe love the outward show and promise of manliness. But to abridge.

  The two love-birds separated after much flowery speech on the part of her graciousness, for the ladies of Europe, mark you well, are fond of uttering words of high nobility and virtue to mask the desires and itches of the flesh.'

  'You are shrewder than I took you for,' said Naileater.

  'I am well versed in these matters,' said Michael. 'But now you must know that, on returning to his hotel wherein dwells Wealth, I courteously taxed the lord with his patience and appealed to his honour as a man! What, said I, such a pot of peanut butter, so warm, so smooth, and attended by the requisite quartet of globularities, and Your Lordship is content to wait until the morrow to take his pleasure of it? In short, I proposed that he should allow me to steal away the agreeable creature so gently born and let me do the deed without him, so that the glory of the day would be mine alone! I am versed in these matters, said I, and such business restoreth my youth. Submitting to my arguments, he concurred, even to the point of giving me his authority to bring you all along, and he handed me a letter to convey to the queen of his heart. Great indeed is the favour shown me by my magnificent lord. Accordingly, I repaired thither a short while since and took up position under the window of the room wherein she was feigning to give ear to her poor ox, who held forth on serious matters instead of performing with her the principal business which exists between any man and woman, for example repeating, poor fool, divers conversations which he had held with principals and ministers, a topic of no interest to a well-endowed young woman yearning for more solid fare. Through a crack in the shutters, I saw her biting her lip to choke a yawn and bar its exit from her closed mouth, and then reverting to her frozen smile while the husband she was deceiving talked on with relish and fascination of important personages. But abruptly halting his flow, he had the gall to divulge to her the commotion of his vitals and his pressing need of latrines, a need which should always be veiled, for nothing is better calculated to cool a woman's ardour. When the unmanly oaf had accordingly left the room, I tapped on the window, which she opened, evincing no surprise on seeing me since I had already been introduced to her by her paramour. I knelt and offered up the letter of empowerment which charged me with bringing her this night to a place of dancing and epicurean sorbets known as the Donon, dancing being a most suitable preliminary to the main item of business.'

  'He must be mad!' muttered Mattathias. 'God only knows what they'll charge him for a plain sorbet!'

  'In the missive he spoke also of all three of you, so that she would not be surprised when confronted by your divers ways and miens.'

  'What did he say about me?' asked Naileater eagerly.

  'That you are a genius of sorts, an observation which greatly surprised me.'

  'Why of sorts?' said Naileater indignantly. 'But posterity shall decide. As for your surprise, O bullock-brain, pray keep it to yourself!'

  'And me? What did he say about me?' asked Solomon.

  'Will you be quiet!' bawled Naileater. 'Let him speak who is empowered to speak! So what reply did she make to the missive?'

  'She returned her answer in a melting voice, and devoutly did I listen as she said that she would certainly meet her lord this night, but at an hour unspecified, for she could not tell when she would be alone once more. Yes, alone is what she said. Now, friends, marvel at such delicacy! Another would have said: "I cannot tell when I shall be able to rid myself of my encumbrance." Or perhaps: "I shall get away the instant my abomination begins to snore." We are dealing here with a person of perfect manners. Note further that although she performs the principal business, to wit, the unmaking of beds, with our lord, she discoursed in tones of formal courtesy throughout their interview in the garden. That is the way of high-born ladies, princesses and duchesses: in bed they squirm and frolic, but out of it are all correctness and ceremony. And so, having given me her answer, she again held out her hand for me to kiss, and I departed, but not before putting one hand on my hip and aiming an ardent oglement in her direction. And now, Solomon, charge our glasses!'

  Seated in a circle, their thirst slaked, the Valiant made free of the salted pistachios. In the august silence of the night was heard the sound of munching, while a nightingale complained in vain.

  CHAPTER 75

  'But why the horses?' asked Solomon, when all the pistachios had gone.

  'One's for her and the other one's for me,' said Michael.

  'But why horses?'

  'Have you not heard tell, O ignorant son of an ignorant father, have you not heard tell that in matters of gallant dalliance a woman is never stolen away except on the back of a horse, especially if the lady in question is married?'

  'No, I did not know that,' said Solomon. 'But now I do, so, pray, do not be angry.'

  'Besides, the lord was delighted when I suggested horses.'

  'But I am not the least delighted,' said Mattathias, 'and I pronounce Saltiel's nephew to be off his head! I say he is not worthy of his high office, nor of the dollars he banks! I tell you, he is quite mad!'

  'While you are saner than sane,' said Michael, 'though it does not sweeten your temper any.'

  'That's as may be, but why the carriage which emits fumes from its backside?' asked Solomon.

  'In case she does not care to get on the horse.'

  'Quite right,' said Solomon. 'A matter of courtesy, so that the lady may choose according to her preference. And she is very beautiful, you say?'

  'Complexion like pink soap. And furthermore she appeared to me well suited to pelvic exhilarations, for she is as firm and as supple as perfectly cooked Italian macaroni, and has, in the matter of her fore and her aft, a decided advantage over the female of the elephant.
Hindquarters like a pair of overstuffed pillows! Ah, our lord certainly knows how to pick them! A dromedary ripe for bedding! Truly she is a pasha's daughter and a honeyed waffle! And a mouth made for kisses in the category of the quadruple overhead arabesque! (Solomon recoiled, and his hair stood on end.) On the other hand, as I stood there peeping through the gap in the shutters, I saw her abomination and was able, by observing his nose, to deduce that he was a man of small endowment and consequently inferred that she must hate him heartily. For it is well-known that women like big noses, which are a sign of power and a promise of size. But you may set your minds at rest: she will contrive to rid herself of her ox and at any moment you shall observe her come, trailing sinuous undulations in her wake. I tell you that it will be so because I know her kind well.'

  'When a wife is on coupling bent, A husband shall not prevent,' improvised Naileater, and he smiled in acknowledgement of his own talent while Mattathias stopped chewing his gum to spit in disgust and Solomon held his head in both hands, torn between admiration for such a beautiful lady and his veneration for the Ten Commandments.

  'A water-melon,' sighed Michael, dreamily watching the coils of smoke curl up from his nostrils.

  'Look, you can talk about water-melons till you're blue in the face,' said Mattathias, 'but meantime, on account of your watermelon, the price clock fitted to the steam-driven coach ticks remorselessly on and Swiss francs drop into the money-pouch of the Gentile who commands the hellish, horseless conveyance. Ah, that's the job to have! You sit behind the guiding control doing nothing, and each minute that passes begets more centimes for you!'

  'Ne'er in my life did I see a more delicious mount for riding nor such configurement for dalliance and bed-sport,' mused Michael. 'She puts me in mind of a red-headed woman I once knew in the Cephalonia Palace Hotel who was quite perfect at one thing, her only fault being that she talked English to me the whole time during the performance of that very thing.'

  'But look here,' Solomon broke in, 'if she is the wife of a husband, how can she possibly agree to be taken to this place of sorbet, there to trip a light fantastic with another man?'

  'That is what the ladies of Europe are like,' said Michael. 'O my friends, if all the deceived husbands in Europe wore lamps on their hats, mercy, what illumination we should see!'

  'That's quite enough philosophizing,' yawned Naileater. 'Could anyone please indulge me with a few pistachios, if any such remain?'

  'No!' exclaimed Solomon. 'No, I am convinced that she will not leave her husband! Since she is beautiful, she must therefore surely be virtuous! Devil take it, she's married, and what else can she want?'

  'New thews and jam on it,' said Michael.

  'Oy, oy, oy!' groaned Solomon. 'Why are you doing this to me? Why must I listen to such things? Is it not enough that today I have already been made to fly through the air, and so high that my soul departed my mouth? Oy, oy, oy!'

  'Stop your oy-oying! You make my ears tingle as with little worms awiggling,' said Naileater.

  It was all too much for Solomon. He had agreed to travel on the wings of the wind, he had spent the entire journey with his eyes shut reciting psalms, he had spent two mortal hours with fear gnawing at his vitals, filled with a presentiment that the pilot was about to faint or the wings drop off, and for what? To hear tell of horrors to make the wickedness of Babylon pale into insignificance!

  'But does this mean that the poor husband will lose his wife, his joy and his trust?' he asked, and he spread his little hands wide.

  'He can croak for all I care!' said Michael, confirming the crescent of his moustache. 'For such are the wages of husbands.'

  'That's not true!' cried Solomon.

  'And if he makes trouble for the pretty filly, I shall personally tear out his cuckold's horns and ram them into his underemployed groin!'

  'Shame on you, you blackguard!' exclaimed Solomon. 'I am on the side of decency! That, in a nutshell, is where I stand. And I take refuge in the Almighty, who is my strength and my tower! And He is a holy God, so there! Verily I say that lord Solal does not well in this matter! Why does he, who is so intelligent, the son of a chief rabbi and a descendant of Aaron, stoop so low? Ah my friends, what is there more beautiful than marriage and conjugal fidelity? You look at your wife, you smile at her, you feel no shame, and God is well pleased! If you are troubled, you can unburden yourself to her when you get home at night and she will comfort you, she will say that you mustn't worry, that you're just being silly. And you are happy. And you both grow old together gracefully. That is what love is. If there is anything more beautiful, my friends, pray tell me what it is!'

  'Especially,' said Mattathias, 'since all these adulterous fillies involve a considerable outlay on flowers.'

  'But it is a providence that the uncle knows nought of the sinfulness of the nephew,' said Solomon. 'God, in His great goodness, has visited him with a bout of jaundice which detains him far from this place.'

  'Let a barricade be built around all this idle talk!' ordered Michael. 'Whatever the lord does is well done, and virtue is a dish fit only for the small of nose! Oh what would I not give to be in his shoes, for the woman is the veritable fragrance of jasmine and as sound as a cockerel's eye!'

  'And more majestic than an English man-of-war!' said Naileater, partly for the ring of the expression and partly because he was bored.

  'And having the coolness of cherries,' added Solomon illogically.

  'And with a cheek I could nibble even though I did not hunger,' said Naileater, 'though it would go down better with a brace of cucumbers.'

  'For my part,' said Mattathias, 'I find in her neither cockerel's eye nor coolness of cherries, and I'd rather make do with the cucumbers without the cheek. I tell you, all this is a hanging matter.'

  'It is true that the husband might well put in an appearance brandishing pistols,' said Naileater for the benefit of Solomon, who immediately stood up, brushed his tennis trousers, and put on his tiny coat lined with goat-fur.

  'I'm feeling the cold rather, and moreover I have a headache, which is why I shall now say farewell and return to our hotel.'

  'O chicken-heart!' cried Michael.

  'Chicken-heart is correct, and I'm proud of it!' answered Solomon, his two little hands bunched bravely into fists. 'And I'm quite right, since it is fear which tells me when there's danger and keeps me alive! And what is better than being alive? I have already told you, my dear friends, I wouldn't say no to being locked up in prison for good, provided I could go on living for ever! And I'd have you know, Michael, that the timid are invariably meek and kindly folk and pleasing in the eye of the Almighty, while you, with your revolvers and built like the ox who is chief of the herd, are muscleman and Muslim-man, so there! Furthermore, I am just as brave as you, though only when there is no alternative! And now, having returned my answer to this blackguard here, I take my leave of you both, dear cousins, and shall return to town, where a man is much better off than in the country!'

  But, tenderly restrained and embraced by Michael, he gave up the struggle, only too well aware that flight was impossible and in any case how would he find his way now, after midnight, along roads which were strewn with stones and alive with ghosts? Best hide, for the husband might at any moment realize what was afoot and set off in pursuit of his young wife, armed with a blunderbuss to prevent her visiting the place of dancing and sorbet! Yes, devil take it, he'd better hide, for a stray bullet soon finds a billet! Let the thought be father to the deed! Having crawled on all fours into a pile of lopped branches close by the hayrick against which his cousins were sitting, he begged Michael to cover him with leaves. Thus disguised as a forest, he calmed down. He remained silent for a while, but then a small voice emerged from the shrubbery.

  'O mighty scion of Jacob,' said the little voice, 'why does not lord Solal love the daughters of our people? Are they not queens in their homes, and do they not anoint their hair with perfumed oils upon the holy sabbath day? What have Gentile girls got th
at they haven't?'

  'They recite poems to him,' sniggered Naileater.

  'How odd, but I always imagined that must be the case,' said the little voice after a moment's reflection.

  'But when he is unwell', went on Naileater, 'they stop reciting poems to him, because when he is unwell he sickens them! So they put two fingers in their mouths and whistle and they say to the hotel menial who comes running: "Take this carcass away, remove it from my sight!" That is what they do. That is how they conduct themselves!'

  'But if you aren't ill, what delights await you!' retorted Solomon, creeping out of his leafy refuge. 'A young lady who recites poems to you all day long, why, it is a wondrous thought!' he announced, and he stood with eyes turned heavenward, clenching his little fists. 'You get out of bed in the morning and without further ado your ears are filled with a poem which is as peach-juice descending into the stomach of your soul!'

  'Naileater,' said Michael, 'is this tale of the carcass and the whistling an established fact or an invention of your brain? It goes without saying that our lord is not the least unwell, thanks be to God, but were he at some point to experience an ache in his lumbar region, would she not instead apply a poultice?'

  'Damn the poultice!' cried Solomon. 'Devil take the poultice, provided that when I rise in the morning . . .' (But remembering that he was Solomon, a simple seller of apricot-water, he fell silent.)

  'Since you fancy the idea so much, O human-headed ant,' said Naileater, 'what is there to prevent you from snatching this whistling spouter of poems out of the arms of lord Solal?'

  'I'm too little,' explained Solomon. 'She wouldn't give me a second glance, don't you see? The Almighty, whose name is blessed, fashions his creatures according to his good pleasure.'