Wishing Water

by Freda Lightfoot

  Lissa couldn’t care less what he did with Larkrigg Hall. Hadn’t she always hated it? Broombank and Ashlea were another matter. ‘How can you influence Manchester Water Board?’

  ‘One greedy little consultant with sticky fingers and a demanding mother who will do anything for money. He thinks the project sounds feasible and is looking into it. A dam could easily be built across the head of the dale.’ Philip’s lips curled into a smile though it did not radiate any further as he took her arm and hooked it in to his. ‘You know how I like to be in control.’

  Withdrawing the arm with a grimace of repugnance, Lissa stepped back and faced him, her expression as cold and hard as his own. ‘You can’t control me, Philip. Not any longer. I’ve broken free. You might as well know I intend to create my own independence and a new future for myself.’

  ‘And take Derry Colwith for a lover no doubt?’

  ‘I never said so.’ Lissa could feel the trap closing in upon her. It tightened her rib cage and made her breath tighten to a hard ball in her breast. She was silent for some moments then she met his assessing gaze with her own steady one. ‘If I remain, as your wife, for the sake of the twins, you must promise to drop this idea.’

  ‘Ah, promises.’

  ‘You must, Philip. If you do not, I’ll fight you every inch of the way.’

  He smiled. ‘And if I make this promise to leave your precious dale alone?’

  She swallowed. ‘Then in return - I’ll stay - only on my terms. After we leave here I shall want a bedroom of my own. A separate life. Keeping up appearances, isn’t that the phrase?’

  He looked vaguely nonplussed by her defiance and new air of assurance, as if she’d caught him off balance for once. Then the skin about his mouth tightened and the lip curled in a snarl of distaste. ‘Sounds very like an ultimatum.’

  ‘Call it what you wish.’

  ‘Then remember mine. Or the price might be more than you are willing to pay. Certainly more than your precious family would be prepared for. You are exclusively mine, Lissa, and I intend to keep you that way.’

  They stood on the quiet hillside and stared into each other’s eyes while Lissa felt the joy of victory slip from her heart and the trap snap shut.

  ‘Checkmate, I think?’

  It was one of bleakest of moments of her life. Something inside of her quietly died, but Lissa knew she must give Derry up. There was no help for it. Oh, but she must see him one last time, to explain this new turn of events.

  As she was collecting cups at teatime she whispered desperately in his ear. ‘I must see you. By the tarn, later,’ without glancing up from her task.

  Perhaps a madness had come over her but as darkness fell, Lissa pleaded a headache and went early to bed. Philip followed soon after, as she guessed he might, but she kept very firmly to her side of the bed as he climbed in beside her.

  ‘Are you tired, my sweet?’

  ‘I think I’m starting with a cold.’

  She lay, not daring to move, for what seemed like hours, telling herself this was the last time she would ever share a bed with him. Tomorrow she would move all her things into the spare bedroom. Or better still, all his things.

  Only when she was certain of Philip’s deep breathing and gentle snores, did she slip from the bed. Pulling on a wrap, Lissa quietly let herself out of the house.

  There was no moon but she could have found her way blindfold. The night enfolded her like soft black velvet and she moved surely up the sheep trods, through the stand of trees at Brockbarrow woods and on to the tarn beyond. Excitement beat hard and sure in her breast, and the awareness of danger was strong in her. Yet she could no more have denied herself from taking this risk than her next breath.

  He was waiting for her by the glittering black and silver water and Lissa went straight into his arms.

  Breathless from kissing they sat with their backs against the warm trunk of a rowan and Derry stroked her cheek, her throat, with his lips and fingers, not able to get enough of her.

  ‘Darling Lissa, how I love you.’ He kissed her again, his mouth soft and sweetly compelling. ‘I always will.’

  `You know that it’s not enough simply to love each other, don’t you? I have the twins to think of.’ She explained then, carefully and in a matter-of-fact sort of voice, how she had taken advice from her doctor, a lawyer, even Miss Stevens. She looked at him with tired resignation in her lovely eyes. ‘There’s no help for it. If I leave Philip, they would call me an unfit mother and I could lose the children. I daren’t risk that.’

  Derry was silent. Only the sound of water lapping softly against stones disturbed their thoughts.

  ‘What if I promise to be as good a father to them as he would be?’

  Lissa gazed into Derry’s beloved face. ‘You’d probably make a better and he’d hate you more than ever.’ She didn’t feel she could mention Philip’s blackmail concerning the dale. Derry might react badly to the threatened loss of his sister’s home and make matters worse. Besides, if she had to sacrifice Derry in any case, for her children, why trouble him with it? The problem needn’t arise. ‘Philip is a difficult man. He would always win. I have to make the best of things as they are. He and I have agreed terms. There’s nothing more I can do.’

  ‘Terms? What kind of terms?’ Anger etched with despair was in his voice. ‘A farce of a marriage, you mean? What kind of life is that? You love me, as I love you.’

  ‘You must go back to America, Derry. Forget you ever saw me again. As I must you.’

  ‘Come with me. We can start a new life, take on a new identity if you wish. Philip Brandon would never find us.’

  ‘Looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life? No, I can’t do that. Afraid for the twins every time they’re late home from school? I must accept what cannot be altered.’

  His eyes glittered in the darkness, though whether with anger or tears Lissa couldn’t have said, but she felt his pain. ‘I’m sorry, Derry.’

  ‘So am I. How shall I ever live without you after this? I need you, Lissa.’ His mouth came down hard upon her own and for a moment she gave herself up to the savage joy of his loving.

  ‘Please don’t,’ she moaned. ‘Don’t ask for more than I can offer.’

  They were breathless with wanting, afire with need, afraid of going too far and unable to break apart. His lips trailed over her throat and down to her breast as Lissa arched her body to let him kiss her some more, a burning ache in her stomach making her shiver with unspent emotion. Oh, how she wanted to give herself to him completely, for now and for all time. But how could she? She was married. Philip would be sure to find out and use it against her. And against her family.

  She pulled away, ineffectually tidying her hair and trying not to see the dark need in his eyes. ‘We’ll make a wish,’ she said, half laughing at the childhood memory. ‘Come with me.’

  Lissa took him to the edge of the tarn and, cupping her hands, filled them with water. ‘Quickly! You must drink from my hands and make a wish before the water soaks away. Nick and I used to do it when we were children. Quick. Close your eyes.’

  Laughing, Derry did so. ‘Shall I tell you what I wished?’

  ‘No, or it won’t come true. Now my turn.’

  She drank deeply from his hands and wished for happiness, pure and simple, for herself and her babies. Impossible. Hadn’t she given up wishing long since?

  They dried their hands on the grass and lay together, not touching now, staring up into a midnight blue sky, counting stars.

  ‘You do intend to leave him eventually though?’

  Lissa was silent for a long time, then uttered a deep sigh. ‘I don’t know. How can I say what the future holds? I would like to. Perhaps one day, if I could make a home and provide for my children without risk of losing them, then I would do so. But I have no grounds for divorce. None that the law will recognise. I’ve been into all of that. He would never hurt or leave them, or me. We are his life. He won’t let me go.’

&nbs
p; ‘And you won’t fight him?’ His voice sounded uncharacteristically harsh, and Lissa turned her face away to hide the spasm of pain it caused.

  ‘Don’t blame me too harshly, Derry. I cope as best I can but what is the point of fighting if I can never win?’

  ‘You want me simply to pack up and go?’

  ‘No.’ She sat up, her heart breaking with the agony of it all. ‘I can’t bear to think of never seeing you again. But this is how it must be.’

  Derry clenched his teeth. ‘I couldn’t bear to watch you with him, day after day. I’d kill him, I swear it.’

  ‘I won’t - sleep with him. That’s all finished,’ she said, wrapping her arms about Derry’s neck, kissing him lingeringly on the mouth. ‘I can only offer Philip duty now. That’s part of the terms.’

  They were silent for a long time after that, holding each other, content simply to be together and think through the reality of her decision. Then of one accord their gazes locked, saying everything that they could not.

  ‘I won’t go right away. I’ll leave in a week or two,’ Derry said. ‘A month at most. As soon as I see that you are all right, and if we haven’t thought of a solution in the meantime. Then I’ll leave for America and that’ll be the end.’ He pulled her close, capturing the memory of this moment for all time, coming to terms with the harsh reality of a life without love.

  ‘Oh, Derry,’ and she surrendered herself one last time to his fevered kisses. But it was he who kept their emotions in check that night, he who held her in his arms until she slept, then gently woke her as a cold pink dawn streaked the sky.

  Derry led her silently back to the house, steadying her when her feet slipped on the stones, both jumping with alarm when somewhere an owl hooted, then falling into a spurt of nervous laughter at their foolish fear.

  Their parting kisses were painfully poignant for all they promised each other to meet one last time, like this, before he left England for good.

  ‘I love you, Lissa.’

  ‘And I you, Derry.’

  She waited until he was quite out of sight down the lane, on his way back to Ashlea before she pushed open the kitchen door and slipped inside.

  Lissa crept silently up the stairs, pulled open the creaking bedroom door with a shaking hand and slid beneath the bed clothes, certain that Philip had not missed her.

  She was wrong.

  ‘I know where you’ve been,’ he said, his voice splintering the darkness like chips of ice. Didn’t I warned you what would happen if you disobeyed me? What did he do to you?’

  Lissa started to tremble. ‘Nothing. We said goodbye, that’s all.’

  She made to get out of bed but he threw back the covers and straddled her, pinning back her arms when she would have pushed him away. ‘Did you use any protection? The kind you’ve been using with me.’

  Oh dear God, he knew.

  ‘I’ve had an interesting conversation with Doc Robson.’

  ‘He shouldn’t have told you. That was confidential.’

  ‘It was easy to persuade the silly old goat. You’ve made a fool out of me, Lissa, promising babies and then using a diaphragm to stop them. I don’t like that. I don’t like that one bit. And all this pretence of being too tired and feeling unwell. All lies. Well, you’ll not cuckold me as well as deceive me. It’s long past time I re-established my rights, don’t you think? I’ll show Derry Colwith whose wife you are.’

  Then he pushed one hand flat across her mouth, laughing into her terrified eyes, while he pulled up her nightgown with the other. As he took her that night, forcing himself into her, he unleashed all the pent up frustration and ferocious anger he usually kept so tightly buttoned. And when she cried out in her agony, despite his restraining hand and her efforts not to wake Meg, he told her she must be learning to show appreciation of his attentions at last.

  ‘If this doesn’t do the trick and bring babies, nothing will.’

  Only when he was quite sated did he turn from her. Silent tears slid down Lissa’s cheeks, dampening her pillow and running into her ear. This would be the last time, she promised herself. The very last. She fell into a troubled doze, her body bruised and her heart breaking.

  When morning came Lissa found herself wide-eyed and staring, wondering if it had been the children who had cried out. But then a pain pierced her belly and she realised it had been her own cry that had awakened her. He was on top and inside of her again, grunting noisily in a sound that curdled her stomach.

  When she protested, he wrapped her wrists in his pyjama cord and tied them to the bed head.

  I warned you,’ he told her, very quietly. ‘You should have listened. Now you must learn by being punished.’ Then he plunged into her, on and on, continuing to use her for his own pleasure whether she wanted him or not. As he had done even when she was asleep. It seemed, somehow, the final humiliation.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  White pointed sails bobbing on blue water beneath a sunlit blue sky. The sounds of happy laughter ringing across the lake, bounced back by the circling mountains. The hooting of the steamer taking a group of early-season trippers to a lakeside inn for lunch. Ducks quacking and squabbling over pieces of crust thrown to them by toddlers with an unsteady aim, the tramp of boots crunching on shingle. Any normal day by the lake. But not a normal day for Lissa.

  She flew about her bedroom emptying drawers and cupboards, fingers fumbling with coat hangers. From the moment Philip had dropped them at the door and gone back to his office this morning, Lissa had been in a fever of activity. She had rung Renee to tell her she would not be into the shop but now, with her suitcases finally packed, she stared at them in some distress. How to get them out of the house? And there were still the twins to get ready and Nanny Sue to deal with.

  Thrusting the cases back into her wardrobe she decided she would have to risk collecting them later. Perhaps she could ask Jimmy. All that mattered was that she get away.

  She stood and gazed out at the happy scene, the blue and white image blurring in her tears. What a mess. Why couldn’t she be happy as those people were happy? But this wasn’t the moment for self-pity. She refused to be a victim any longer. The terms, so far as Lissa was concerned, had been broken. Now she must take her chances alone.

  `I’ve decided to take the children out this morning,’ she told Nanny Sue who at once frowned in disapproval.

  ‘But it’s very nearly their lunchtime.’

  Lissa panicked, feeling the sweat start up between her breasts. Philip would be home for lunch. He would ring first, to check she was back from the shop. It had taken far too long to get ready but she couldn’t stop now. She drew in a steadying breath. ‘I’m taking them out to lunch. Miss Stevens is expecting us at twelve sharp,’ she lied. ‘Come along, my darlings, wash your hands and find your favourite doll or teddy to come with us. We are going to have a picnic.’

  Squeals of excitement and much running about and demands to change clothes, choose another toy or take a bicycle. Lissa refused all requests, keenly aware, beneath Nanny’s gimlet gaze, that time was of the essence.

  ‘Say bye-bye to Nanny,’ she called cheerily, trying not to appear in a hurry as she piled them into the old van. Where could she take them? Certainly not to Miss Stevens. It wouldn’t be right to involve her in matrimonial disputes. Nab Cottage perhaps? No, Renee would not be there. Besides, that would be the first place Philip would look. The shop then. There was nothing else for it but the rooms over the shop. Stella Stevens would have to be placated about that too, in the end.

  But first the promised picnic. Lissa stopped at a bakery and bought doughnuts and tiny sausage rolls, a stick of bread, a packet of cream cheese portions, and some Grasmere gingerbread. Far too much in her panic. The twins were delighted.

  ‘Can we have Coca-Cola?’ A special treat, reminding Lissa of her teenage years.

  They ate the picnic by the lake. At least the twins did, Lissa’s throat refused to swallow a morsel. And then they must play the twins’ fav
ourite games. Hide and Seek among the trees, The Big Ship Sails through the Alley-Alley-Oh. Going through the motions of normality when inside she was falling apart.

  Derry was waiting on the doorstep of Nab Cottage when Renee arrived home to lunch. He seemed strangely silent, unlike his usual self, so she chatted on, saying how it made a nice break to have lunch at home in her otherwise busy day. They sat in the small parlour sipping tea and eating the potted beef sandwiches she had prepared, cut into triangles and spaced out neatly on a blue and white striped plate.

  ‘Do you like the new style? You never said, when you called before.’

  Derry glanced vaguely about him, trying to sound interested. ‘It looks very smart.’

  ‘I’m a girl of the sixties now,’ Renee said proudly. ‘With a career. But I spend my money on our home. Jimmy likes it to be comfortable.’

  Gone was the brown-tiled fireplace, replaced by a neat electric fire in a teak surround. The old orange-spattered walls were now a pale cream, one of them decked out with black glass and chrome fittings on which reposed a record player, a battery of speakers, and a stack of records. Above hung a picture of a pretty Chinese girl and a photograph of Jimmy with his boat on the lake.

  ‘I’m glad you’re doing well, Renee,’ Derry said and was surprised to find that he meant it. She looked different too. The orange lipstick had been replaced by palest pink against a flawless, cream-tinted skin. The red hair was puffed out on top in the new bouffant style, tucked up at the nape of her neck with a tortoiseshell comb. She looked attractive, and surprisingly smart and tidy in a neat trouser suit of pale green linen. ‘Dad looks well too, happier than I’ve ever seen him.’ He gave her a wry grin. ‘I can see I was wrong about you two.’

  Renee’s eyes glimmered. ‘Odd couple we may be, but well suited, eh?’ she said dryly.

  ‘Something like that. It all seems to have worked out right anyway.’

  Renee recognised the haunting sadness in his voice. ‘You haven’t done so badly yourself. Got a good job in a top agency. Making loads of money by the looks of you. Swanky car back home, eh? Fancy house, I shouldn’t wonder.’