Wishing Water

by Freda Lightfoot

  Derry’s eyes were bleak as they looked anywhere but into hers. ‘I’ve done all right. I was near starvation at one time, then a guy took pity on me and gave me a job as a gofer.’

  ‘Gofer.’

  ‘Go for this, go for that. It’s an American term.’

  Renee chortled with glee. ‘I like it. And the rest is history, eh?’

  ‘I worked my way up, with hard graft and lots of boot licking. Now I’m a partner in the business. I enjoy the work, feel like I’m doing some good helping the poor over-optimistic souls to get going in the music trade on the right terms. Or gently letting down those who’ll never make it.’

  ‘So your training as a lawyer’s clerk has come in handy after all?’

  ‘I suppose it has.’ He set aside a half eaten sandwich and flopped back in the chair, clenching his fists on a spurt of anger. ‘But what’s the good of being successful when you can’t have the one thing you need most in all the world?’

  ‘Lissa?’

  ‘Lissa.’

  They were both silent for a long moment, even the loquacious Renee lost for words. He stood up. ‘I have to go. I wanted to ask you...’

  Renee looked up at him with a smile, her eyes kind. ‘Ask away, lad.’

  ‘Look after her for me, that’s all. I’ll be staying at Ashlea for a week or two yet, till I’m sure she’s OK. Then I’d like to spend a day or two here, with Dad, before I leave.’

  ‘Yes to both requests. You’re always welcome here, it’s your second home. No more garden sheds, I promise.’

  He laughed fondly at the memory but then saw that she wasn’t joining in. ‘It’s all right,’ he said, grinning. ‘I bear no grudges. I probably deserved to be turfed out, behaving with typical teenage arrogance and total lack of consideration at the time.’

  ‘No, it’s not that.’ Renee got up and started to tidy and smooth the blue and yellow scatter cushions on an already immaculate sofa. She spoke quickly as if to get it done with. ‘I never mentioned it to your dad but I went to see Philip Brandon. I told him I wanted you out from under my feet. That Jimmy and me wanted to be on us own. It was Philip Brandon’s idea to put you in the shed. He said he’d encourage you to find a place of your own.’ She slanted a glance across at Derry, saw his frozen expression.

  ‘I only wanted him to give you a raise,’ she explained. ‘So’s you’d have enough to pay the rent. And to ask his advice on doing bed and breakfast.’

  ‘Instead of which he made up a tale about my damaging his yacht and sacked me on the spot.’

  Renee looked horrified. ‘Oh, my giddy aunt! It’s worse than I thought. Why didn’t you tell us? Did he threaten you with the police?’

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘So that’s why you left?’

  ‘That’s why I left. That and my own arrogant ambition.’

  Renee gazed at him, stricken, realising how they’d both been manipulated. ‘He wanted Lissa. That’s what it was all about. He’d fancied her for a long while. By heck, it’s obvious now, isn’t it?’

  ‘I was all too aware of his interest. Jealous as hell I was. Only I was too wrapped up in my own ambitions, silly dreams really, to do anything about it. I stupidly thought she’d wait for me. But then it didn’t work out and I couldn’t come back to her a failure, could I? When I did it was too late. Philip Brandon had won.’

  He sank back into his chair and Renee went to him and patted his shoulder, feeling helpless in his despair. ‘What could you have done? You’d no money to fight him. Lissa chose to wed him. A mistake she now regrets and can’t get out of. I’ve known there was summat up for ages, though it took her a while to admit to it. And it’s mebbe all my fault. Oh dear God!’

  ‘It would still have happened, Renee, with or without your complicity. And, no, I won’t tell Dad you had anything to do with it, if that’s what’s worrying you. You don’t need to blame yourself.’

  Renee blinked away the prick of tears. ‘That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me. It took me ages to pacify him after your last visit.’

  They both gave an embarrassed laugh at the memory of their impromptu kiss.

  ‘You’re all right, Renee, you know that?’

  ‘Bone-head, that’s me. But you don’t have to worry. I’ll keep an eye out for her. It’ll all come to a head soon enough, you see if it don’t.’

  ‘If he treats her badly, I’ll…’

  ‘Don’t say it. It’ll do no good. Don’t even think it. Now I’d best get back to work or I’ll be given my cards.’

  ‘I’ve done it, Renee. I’ve left him.’

  Renee stared at Lissa in disbelief, and at the two children beside her, faces daubed with jam, innocent of their new status in life. ‘Crikey, I never thought you had it in you.’

  ‘We had a lovely picnic, Renee.’

  ‘And Mummy says we can sleep at the shop tonight.’

  ‘Orphans in the storm, eh?’

  ‘There’s so much I have to arrange. My luggage, for one thing. Two suitcases in my wardrobe. Do you think Jimmy would collect them for me? He’d have to go this afternoon, while Philip is in the office and Nanny is out on her walk.’

  ‘I’ll see to it.’

  ‘Is it clean upstairs, do you think?’

  ‘Clean enough.’

  ‘Oh, I have so many plans, Renee. I’m going to live up there, if Miss Stevens is agreeable. Develop the business, and be independent at last.’

  Alarmed by the feverish brightness of Lissa’s chatter, Renee put out a gentle hand. ‘Let’s get these bairns cleaned up and seen to first, shall we?’

  By half-past five the shop was locked up for the day. The children had been fed and put early to bed, unprotesting for once because of the novelty of being in sleeping bags on the floor of a tiny room above the shop.

  ‘Is this a real adventure, Mummy?’

  ‘Yes, my darlings. A real adventure.’

  ‘Will Daddy be coming to share it?’ Beth wanted to know.

  ‘Not tonight. Now close your eyes. You’ve had a busy few days. Far too much excitement.’ She kissed each soft round cheek, left a small night lamp lit and crept downstairs with a sigh of relief. ‘I’ll count up the takings tonight, Renee. You must be worn out.’

  ‘Not too bad. That new girl is shaping up pretty well. Been busy though. Sold three of those new quilted jackets.’

  ‘That’s good.’ Lissa struggled to find the necessary enthusiasm as she clasped and unclasped her hands, unable to resist glancing at the door.

  ‘Do you think he’ll come?’ Renee asked.

  ‘I-I don’t know. I hope not. I don’t think I could take any more just now.’

  ‘Did you leave a note?’

  Lissa swallowed and managed a brief nod.

  ‘I’ll stay with you,’ Renee decided.

  ‘There’s no need. I’ll be fine.’

  ‘Nevertheless I’m staying. I’ll go and explain to our Jimmy, then I’ll be straight back.’ She grinned. ‘Have you had any supper?’

  Lissa shook her head.

  ‘I’ll fetch some fish and chips and a couple of beers. We’ll have a party to celebrate your freedom. Why not?’

  ‘Why not?’ Lissa grinned back, trying to recapture her earlier mood of optimism.

  They drank the bottled beer and ate the fish and chips, licking salt and vinegar from their fingers like giggling children. Renee insisted on staying until it was quite late before finally being persuaded to go home to Jimmy. Then Lissa climbed the stairs on weary feet, putting out the lights as she went. She was glad to be alone at last, wanting to think, work out what was best to be done, but her mind was too tired to function.

  She scrubbed her face and teeth, dragged a brush through her long hair and softly kissed each sleeping twin. Then she climbed into her own improvised sleeping bag with a sigh of relief. It felt strange, and oddly exhilarating. Whatever the future brought, she would face it.

  It was five past midnight when she heard the hammering on the door.
Lissa struggled from her bed, rubbing the sleep from her eyes and went to the landing window.

  Philip stood below, at the door. She pushed open the tiny window and called down, as quietly as she could so as not to wake the twins.

  ‘What are you doing here at this time?’

  ‘I need to talk to you. Open the door, Lissa.’

  ‘No, Philip. I can’t talk now. I won’t talk now. Perhaps in the morning. Or when I feel ready.’ She started to close the window when he thumped his fist against the door. The noise echoed in the empty street.

  ‘Don’t you walk away from me when I’m talking to you. You are my wife, and will obey me. Come home at once.’

  ‘It’s no good shouting, Philip, I’m not coming home.’

  ‘I never shout.’

  ‘No, you don’t, do you? But you give plenty of orders. Unfortunately I’m not prepared to obey them any more.’

  He raised two clenched fists, looking for a moment like a man ready to beat in the door if he had to. ‘Where are my children? I insist on seeing my children.’

  She told him, with surprising calm, that they were asleep. ‘I need my sleep too. We’ll talk tomorrow, Philip. There are a number of things we ought to discuss, including a divorce.’ Whereupon she closed the window firmly on his silent rage.

  He did not come in the morning, nor the next day, nor the day after that, and Lissa began to worry what he was up to. Her feeling of victory evaporated, almost to the extent of wishing the reckless words unsaid. She knew it would not be easy to start again from scratch, to face the gossip and snide remarks. A strange malaise came over her. She felt too ashamed even to go out. Her marriage had failed and she could not bring herself to walk down the street. She felt sure that everyone would see her shame and remark upon it. They would say that it was her fault, that she was never able to keep anyone’s love, that there must be something wrong with her.

  Derry called but she sent him away. ‘It isn’t safe. Don’t come here again. My case is weak enough. If Philip were to find you I can’t answer for the consequences. I must think of the children.’

  Renee proved to be a tower of strength. Together they scrubbed and cleaned, tidied and decorated, turning two rooms and a small washroom into a presentable home. The twins joined in with exuberance, not understanding anything that was going on. Renee lent Lissa a few odd pieces of furniture and carpet she’d borrowed from friends and neighbours. Then she and Jimmy carried up a table and three chairs from the stock room.

  ‘They’re not exactly polished mahogany but they’ll do for now.’

  ‘Everything’s wonderful, Renee. I’m so grateful.’

  ‘Are we going to live here?’ Sarah demanded, her small heart-shaped face a mask of affronted dignity, as if she should have been consulted on the subject. ‘Where will Nanny Sue sleep?’

  ‘And Daddy?’ put in Beth.

  ‘I’ll explain later,’ Lissa said, wondering how these matters could ever be satisfactorily explained to a four year old. She pushed back an untidy lock of hair, thinking how dreadful she must look since she’d hardly had time to attend to herself recently. She spread out her hands and frowned at the nails, broken and chipped, the pink varnish peeling. Philip would not approve, and then her heart flooded with relief. It didn’t matter what Philip thought. He didn’t control her any more. She found a pair of scissors and began to cut them.

  ‘What are you doing?’ Sarah, ever curious, wanted to know.

  ‘Cutting my nails, darling. They get in the way when I’m working. And I must work very hard in future.’ She would tell them soon, she thought, when she’d finalised her plans.

  And all this on top of what was proving to be a busier season than they’d ever hoped for. At least Lissa no longer had to hide herself away in the office. She could take a full and active part in the day to day running of the shop.

  It was well into August before she found time to make an appointment to see her solicitor and tell him the news. He seemed less than pleased and kept plucking at his lower lip, making worried little noises. ‘Such a pity that you walked out on him, Mrs Brandon. Dear, dear. So difficult.’

  ‘I’ve asked Philip for a divorce and he has gone away to consider the matter.’

  He had yet to acknowledge her request but Lissa was determined to think positive. He’d stormed off in the middle of that first night, but he would be forced to consider it, wouldn’t he, in the end?

  ‘Hmm,’ said the young solicitor and proceeded to repeat his warning that the divorce law, as it stood at present, was not favourable to her case. ‘There must be no sign of complicity between you. It was misguided to leave. Much better had it been the other way around.’

  She told him what Philip had done on their last night together. The solicitor seemed remarkably unimpressed.

  ‘As I explained before, Mrs Brandon, deficiencies in the bedchamber are hardly grounds. Many people indulge in such games. Consenting adults and all that.’

  ‘But that’s the whole point. It wasn’t a game, and I didn’t consent.’

  ‘Did he hit you?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Hm, so no bruises then.’ He seemed disappointed. ‘You are his wife, you see. Most judges would consider that complicity enough. They simply would refuse to grant a divorce on those grounds.’

  ‘The marriage is over.’ Lissa felt as if she were battering her head against a brick wall yet knew the fault was not with the solicitor, who was only doing his job. ‘He rules my life, my thinking, he suffocates me and I can’t stand it any more.’

  The solicitor offered his sympathies but declared himself unable to change the law. ‘It is government policy not to make divorce too easy or the courts would be full of women wanting their freedom, claiming their rights.’ He laughed with slight embarrassment and Lissa could only grit her teeth with vexation.

  ‘Then what can I do?’

  ‘Leave it with me for a while. I’ll give the matter some thought, perhaps take counsel’s opinion. We’ll do what we can.’ He spread his hands then quietly clasped them, concluding the matter. ‘I’ll write to your husband, sound out his feelings.’

  She offered her thanks and got up to go. ‘He will, of course, be entitled to access.’

  ‘Access?’

  ‘To the children. Perhaps every Saturday or Sunday. That is the usual method.’

  Dear God, of course, access. ‘I couldn’t possibly allow him take them away.’ How did she know that he would bring them back?

  The solicitor looked surprised. ‘I’m afraid you must. It is his right.’

  Lissa was almost choking with fear. Couldn’t the man see what Philip was like? He would take the twins simply to spite her, to use them as a pawn to control her, as he so liked to do. ‘What about my rights as a mother? Can’t it wait until this divorce question is settled?’

  He took her elbow and led her to the door. ‘Don’t worry, Mrs Brandon. He’s a man of honour. You surely don’t imagine he would hurt them, do you?’

  ‘No, of course not, but use them as a weapon against me.’

  A smile and a pat on her hand. ‘I very much doubt it. I’ll be in touch. Good day.’

  The bus took for ever on the journey back to Carreckwater. It crawled through every village, stopping frequently, the bus conductor chatting with everyone who got on and off as if there were all the time in the world. But there wasn’t. She’d foolishly left her children behind, and though Lissa trusted Renee implicitly, how would she cope if Philip took it into his head to come for them? Lissa decided never to let them out of her sight again.

  ‘They’re in the stock room trying on hats,’ Renee told her, concerned by Lissa’s high state of anxiety. ‘They’ll come to no harm with Aunty Renee. I’d soon see that one off, should he turn up again.’

  ‘I’m so sorry for doubting you.’

  ‘There now, I’m almost forgetting. Jan rang, seemed in a bit of a lather. Will you ring the moment you get in? she says.’

  Lissa pulle
d off her coat and smiled at Renee, shamefaced. ‘Any tea going?’

  ‘That’s more like it. Look after the shop, Julie, and call me if you’ve any problems. And try not to get in a muddle with that new till.’

  ‘Yes, Mrs Colwith,’ said the young girl, trying to look important. Lissa dialled the number for Ashlea, wondering if perhaps there was some problem with Meg or Tam. Surely not, they’d seemed in the peak of health last time she’d visited.

  ‘Hello?’ Jan’s voice, frail and anxious, came on the phone and Lissa’s fears increased.

  ‘We’ve had another letter. He’s foreclosed on us, Lissa. He’s evicting us, turning us out. Sally Ann is nearly having a heart attack here, and Nick has stormed off threatening blue murder.’

  ‘Evicted? What are you talking about?’

  ‘I’m talking about your husband turning us out on the streets. Well, on to the open fell.’

  Lissa could hardly believe what she was hearing and managed, at last, to say as much.

  ‘Why? That’s what we want to know.’ Jan’s voice was growing hysterical. ‘You promised to give us time and we’ve made some extra payments recently. We were catching up nicely, only he says we’re further behind than we think and he won’t give us any more time. Why, Lissa? What have we ever done to you?’

  Lissa’s heart was beating twenty to the dozen and she felt suddenly sick. It was perfectly plain how Philip’s mind was working. ‘You haven’t done anything, Jan. I’m the one who has upset him and he’s taking his revenge out on you. Only he won’t succeed. I won’t let him. I’ll fight him over this, I promise.’

  ‘You’d better. God knows where we’ll go, what we’ll do, if we lose the farm. Things were just starting to improve then…’ Tears drowned her next words and it took some time for Lissa to calm her down before she could ring off.

  Lissa rang her new solicitor right away and told him to get the eviction order quashed and to take all her financial affairs away from her husband. She wondered why she hadn’t thought to do that in the first place.