Break Me Down

by Tasha Gwartney

  ***

  Shay put her journal away. She knew she needed to relax. She was on the verge of breaking down completely. She knew she’d never be able to fully get away from the pain. She would never be able to, but she could escape it for a while.

  Going into her bathroom, she drew a bath and soaked in bubbles while listening to her iPod. Closing her eyes, she sighed in relief. It was just what she needed after the day she had, including the time she spent with Brice.

  Brice.

  She thought of him and how he wanted to get to know her. Why would he want that? Why would anyone want to get to know a girl with so much baggage? What could possibly be appealing about a girl who wore baggy clothes to hide her body? A girl who kept to herself and never let anyone in? What could he possibly want to get to know?

  The best way to keep Brice sane, was to never give him the time of day. She’d push him away just as she did everyone else in her life.

  Although, she wasn’t being fair; he didn’t have to go out and buy her that iPod. Nor did he have to apologize for acting like a jerk.

  The sad fact was that Shay, as much as she’d love a friend, she didn’t trust a soul.

  ***

  Waking up the next day, Shay dressed herself in workout pants and a sweater, and tried heading out for a run. Each morning it was the first thing she always did; she loved to run. It kept her from the memories. It was another escape, even if it only lasted for a little while. As she took each step down the stairs, she was met with the wrath that was her best friends.

  “Where have you been? Where were you yesterday?” Heather snapped, putting her hands on her small hips and narrowing a glare at her.

  “I was with a friend. We got caught up. I don’t need to explain myself to you,” Shay snapped back, walking to the fridge to pull out a bottle of water.

  “We came all this way to see you, Shay. And it’s like you don’t even care,” Chelsea cut in as Shay finished her water.

  “You used to be so calm and collected; happy, even. Now you’re just this girl who’s changed, someone we don’t even recognize anymore. You’ve changed so much, and not in the good way,” Maxie stated harshly. Against her better judgment, Shay let the words sting her.

  What was this, an intervention? She’d changed, was that so hard to accept? She wasn’t the same girl she was back in Tampa. He made sure of that.

  “What do you want from me?” Shay snapped, pounding her fist on the counter. “I’m not that girl. I’m not the one I used to be and I’m not going to stand here and listen to you tell me how much I’ve changed for the worst in my own home.”

  “We’re just trying to help you. We just want you to be the girl you were before,” Heather told her best friend. If only she could get through to her…

  “Yeah, we just want you back,” Maxie added when Chris and David came further into the room.

  “You don’t get it; maybe I’ll never be her again. Don’t you get that I’m not that girl I was all those months ago, and if I’m being honest, I never will be. But I’m fine and I don’t need you guys telling me what I should be doing or talking to my parents about what is wrong with me. I’m fine. Change is a part of life and sooner or later you need to deal with it.”

  “Why are you being so bitchy?” Heather asked. A frown sent wrinkles from the corners of her mouth to her chin.

  “Hey, there’s no need for all of this,” Chris said, coming to his little sister’s rescue. “If Bell says she’s fine then she’s fine. The three of you are supposed to be her friends, so start acting like it. Stop being so negative. You shouldn’t be telling her everything you don’t like about her. You should be telling her all the things you love about her. Isn’t that what friendship is?”

  “But she’s a completely different person now,” Chelsea whined.

  “Change is life; we all change,” David defended. He felt like he owed her for everything he’d said last night.

  “I don’t have time for all of this, you can either accept me for the person I am now, or you can get the hell out of my house. I’m going for a run.” Shay left them standing there with confused looks on their faces.

  ***

  Shay felt like she’d been running for an eternity. She just kept running and running; she wanted to escape it all.

  Everything from the secret she was keeping, to everyone pitying her, to her best friends basically saying they hated who she was becoming. She didn’t expect it to hurt as much as it did when her friends confronted her. She thought she’d already lived through all the pain she’d have to take in, and yet here she was taking in some more. She’d never forget the look in their eyes; it was a hint of disappointment mixed with pity. Shay hated it.

  She was lost in her thoughts until she bumped into someone and landed hard on her rear end. Brice sat beside her on the ground.

  “We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” Brice joked, lending her a hand to help her up from the ground.

  “Oh, so you’re not going to yell at me and tell me this is entirely my fault?” Shay said, pulling the ear buds out of her ears.

  “Tempting, but no. I was actually going to come by later. You forgot this yesterday.” Brice pulled her phone out of his pocket.

  Frowning, she took it. She hadn’t even noticed that she didn’t have it. Brice misinterpreted her expression. “What’s wrong? Oh, is it not yours?”

  “It’s not that. It’s just that I didn’t even notice it was gone,” Shay admitted to the guy standing in front of her. Brice was wearing black running shorts and a grey tank top that showed his muscles. He was pretty buff for his age, in her opinion.

  “You do now.” He smirked down at her. Upon noticing her distress, he softened his expression and held out the phone.

  Shay sighed and gently took it, careful to not let their hands touch. “Thanks.”

  “What’s wrong?” Brice asked.

  “It’s nothing, I don’t want to unload my problems on you,” she said. In all honestly, she could really use someone to talk to.

  “I’m a great listener. You can tell me, and who knows, maybe if you tell me you’ll feel better. Most important, maybe you’ll trust me enough to give us a chance to be friends,” Brice remarked as he led her through the park. They sat at the picnic table where he’d hunted her down to give her the iPod.

  “My best friends hate me,” she mumbled, putting her hand to her cheek. She didn’t bother looking at him.

  “Why would you think that,” he asked, intrigued. How could anyone hate her? She seemed like a pretty content and giving person. But then again, his judgment about people wasn’t always correct.

  “They came to visit and I have barely spent any time with them. This morning they basically told me they hated the person I’ve become,” she answered calmly. She wanted to contain her emotions even though it hurt like hell that they didn’t like who she was becoming.

  “I’m sure they don’t hate you. Maybe they just don’t understand the new you,” Brice suggested. He sounded like he was speaking from experience. Shay was surprised how easy it was to talk to him.

  “Maybe. I don’t know,” she said, giving him a shrug.

  “Hey, you’re going to have to be positive; it’ll all work out. And you know what would be even better?” Brice asked.

  “What?”

  “If you’d give me a chance to be your friend.” He stared intently at her.

  “I don’t know. Listen, Brice, I’m no good for you. I’m no good for anyone. I’m not perfect like all those other girls,” she said. Her emotions were starting to overwhelm her.

  Of course she wanted a friend; she’d been alone for so long.

  “I don’t want perfection. I want the real you. I want to know your hopes, your dreams. I want to get to know the Shay that lives behind those beautiful blue eyes,” he confessed.

  Surprised by his declaration, Shay wasn’t sure what to say.

  “I don’t mean that in a romantic sense you know. I mean I don’t want t
o get in your pants, if that’s what your silence means. I just want to know you. I think you could use a friend just as much as I could,” Brice told her. “What do you say? Take a chance on me?”

  Take a chance? How? How could she take a chance when every time she did, she always ended up hurt? How could she see the good in things when such horrible and terrible things have happened to her?

  “I won’t let you down,” Brice pleaded.

  “I don’t know.”

  “What are you afraid of?” Brice just wanted to understand.

  “I’m afraid to trust you, and then have you end up like everyone else. I don’t want to be let down,” she whispered.

  “I won’t let you down, I promise. And if I do, I give you full permission to taze me.” He smirked at her as a way to get her to smile, which she did.

  “Fine. We can be friends, but I have just one condition,” Shay told him seriously.

  “What is it?” Brice asked her.

  “You have to promise that it won’t go any further, that all we’ll ever be is friends,” Shay said, trying not to let her fears come out.

  “Deal,” Brice said as he offered his hand to her.

  “Deal,” she repeated, shaking his hand.

  “Can I walk you home?” Brice offered. And for the first time, Shay felt a bit relieved. She wasn’t happy, but she didn’t feel as terrible as she always did on any other day. She knew her friendship with Brice would be a good thing.

  Chapter Six

  “So, what do your parents do?” Brice asked as he and Shay walked down the street on the way back to her house.

  “My father is a neurosurgeon, and my mom is a nurse. It’s how they met actually,” Shay told him.

  “That’s kind of neat.” Brice admitted.

  “What about your parents?” In the short amount of time they’d known each other, he’d always been the one to question her while she pushed him away. It occurred to her that she knew next to nothing about Brice.

  “My mom’s a lawyer. As for my dad, I don’t know. I’ve barely seen him since I was fourteen.” Brice spat.

  “Why not,” she asked, surprised. Shay didn’t know what she’d do if she didn’t have both of her parents.

  “He cheated on my mom, then left us for the woman, got married and now they live a couple hours away,” Brice mumbled.

  “I’m sorry Brice. That’s got to be hard to deal with.”

  Brice shrugged. “You get used to it. Pain is something I’ve always known, but I can only let him hurt me if I choose to. I let go of it a long time ago. Everyone suffers; we just have to learn to find our way back to happiness...”

  Shay walked in silence thinking about what Brice said. It was like he was reading her mind and speaking right to her fears. She was suffering, and she couldn’t stop it. She’d been suffering for months, but she couldn’t let it go. He was still hurting her, and he’d always be able to hurt her because she couldn’t let go of the past.

  “You okay?” Brice asked as he watched her face fall.

  “I’m fine, I’m just tired. The run I took is kind of wearing me down right now.” It was a half-lie.

  “Do you want to stop for a little bit?” Brice offered.

  “No, I’m okay, I can make it. Plus, we’re almost there,” Shay told him.

  “Okay, so what do you say about doing something fun sometime,” Brice suggested.

  “I’ve been here for nearly four months, and yet I’ve never seen anything fun to do, Brice.” As she spoke, they came up to her house.

  “You just haven’t been hanging around the right people. You stick with me, and you’ll have loads of fun,” he told her with a wink.

  “Full of yourself much?”

  “No, I just know how to have a good time,” Brice teased with a smirk, his brown hair falling in front of his eyes.

  “Alright Mr. Hotshot,” she teased back. “What’s there to do for fun in this town?”

  “Well, you’ll just have to trust me and let me show you around tomorrow,” he said.

  “And If I said I don’t want to?” She said in a playful tone.

  “I could always make you.”

  “I’d love to see you try,” Shay dared as they made it to her door. “Would you like to come inside? I can get you some water, and then I can take you home if you want, so you don’t have to run back.”

  He just wanted to spend more time with Shay to get to know her.

  “I’d love to come inside, but you don’t have to take me home,” Brice said. He loved the offer, but he was okay to run back.

  “Okay. First though, I feel the need to warn you, you might get scolded by my brother.” She opened the door only to be met with her three best friends, her brother, and David. They all stared as Shay offered Brice water.

  “Well, who’s this?” Chris said as he came to the counter where Shay and Brice sat caught up in conversation.

  “This is Brice, and he’s a friend. Brice this is my brother Chris.”

  Chris smiled as he extended his hand. He was glad that his sister was finally making friends. His parents told him she never hung out with anyone. “It’s nice to meet you, Brice. Would you like to stay for dinner tonight? We’re ordering pizza.”

  “You don’t have to.” Shay said, not sure if he’d want to or not.

  “Do you want me to?” Brice asked with a smirk. Looking to her friends, she felt their judgment. “I’d love it if you stayed.”

  “Then I’ll stay.” He smiled.

  “Shay, can I talk to you for a sec?” Heather cut in. She was clearly angry and didn’t bother trying to hide it.

  Looking up, she knew that it was time to face her once and for all. “I’ll be right back. Be nice to him,” she said to her brother. She then went upstairs to wait for the intervention that was her friends.

  “What the hell is going on?” Heather asked. Any trace of a supportive friend was gone.

  “What are you talking about?” Shay asked, genuinely confused.

  “What’s with that guy? You said you were going for a run, not to go find the first guy you meet and bring him home to make us upset,” Heather said.

  “What is your problem? That guy has a name. Brice. And for your information, I met him a few days ago, and he happens to be my friend who I accidentally ran into when I was running,” Shay informed her matter-of-factly. With everything she was going through, the last thing she needed right now was the high school drama that her best friend was throwing at her.

  “So you’re going to blow us off for him?”

  “Did I say I was going to blow you off? No, ‘cause I’m not. There’s plenty of room for all of you!” Shay was fed up with everything.

  “Shay,” she started to say.

  “Don’t call me Shay. Never call me that again,” Shay said. Shutting her eyes, she turned around and left the room. She needed to get away. She needed to forget.

  “Shay, why are you being so distant? We used be so close, you used to tell us everything, and now you’re this completely different person. I want the old you back. The one who didn’t blow us off for some boy she barely knows,” Chelsea snapped as Shay came closer to her.

  “Is this what you came here for, huh? To tell me how much you don’t like who I’ve become?” Shay questioned. She was hurt. Sure, she’d changed, but didn’t she have that right? Didn’t she have the right to not be the same, cheerful, happy girl she once was?

  “No, we came here to spend time with you, but you bailed on us,” Maxie hissed.

  “I had something to do yesterday and then Brice and I just got caught up with the time. It wasn’t intentional. God, I’m so sick and tired of all of you being so judgmental. If you guys were my friends, you would just accept the fact that I’m never going to be that girl again.” Shay was serious. “None of you are my parents, and I don’t have to explain myself to you; I won’t explain myself to you. I’m done with all of this, so if you can’t accept me now, then just go home,” Shay told them. “An
d right now I want you all to get out of my room.”

  “Shay….” Heather began to say but Shay cut her off, furious.

  “Stop calling me that!” Her words came out more violently than she meant for them to. “Just stop. I’m so tired of you guys making me feel so bad about everything, and I won’t allow it anymore. You can stop trying to make me feel bad, because I just don’t care anymore.” And it was true. She didn’t care anymore. She had the right to feel however she damn well pleased. For God’s sake, she was raped. Sure, they didn’t know that, but didn’t it give her the right to be angry at the world for a little while?

  “We don’t mean to, but you’ve changed so much, and we don’t even know how to reach you, or why you’re even becoming this person.”

  “Maybe I was just tired of who I used to be. You need to just leave me alone, all of you, because right now I can’t stand to be in same room as you. I can see the disappointment in your eyes, I can hear the judgment in your voice, and I’m not going to be treated this way in my house. So get out of my room. I’m done with all of this! Just get out.”

  Without saying a word, the three of them stepped out of her room, keeping their eyes trained away from her. Shay sat in tears on her bed. It wasn’t a secret that she’d changed but she just thought that out of everyone, her friends would be the ones who would end up being there for her. She never expected them to make her feel like she was doing something wrong. The tears began to pour out more violently as her bedroom door opened and she came face to face with her brother.

  “Hey, what’s wrong?” Chris asked, plopping on her bed beside her. He wrapped his arms around his little sister.

  “They hate me,” she sobbed through her hands.

  “No, baby girl, they just don’t understand. They don’t hate you. Shh.” He comforted her with his love and support.

  “Why do they have to make me feel like I’m not good enough? Don’t they get that I know I’ve changed? I didn’t plan on it.” While she spoke, her tears began to dry.

  “Why did you?” Chris asked, in hopes that his sister would finally tell him the truth after months of wondering.

  “I just did; there wasn’t a reason.”