The Weight of Madness

by Randileigh Kennedy

  ***

  It took quite a bit of convincing, but Lance finally agreed to join me for a day at the beach with the girls. We headed down to the sand for the short five minute walk to my favorite beach area. Olivia and Lexi were already there, and Olivia’s mouth dropped wide open as she discovered Lance was with me.

  “I’m not sure how to have a proper reaction to this right now,” Olivia said bluntly, looking back and forth between Lance and me.

  “Logan may be joining us in a bit if that’s okay with you,” I explained, setting down my beach bag. Lance walked down to the water’s edge to feel the temperature of the lake.

  “Um, so we like them today?” Olivia replied sarcastically, trying to gauge my reaction as we sat down. “Ten hours ago I was ready to throw down when they blew us off in the bar. You were seething. I wanted to set their house on fire, and here you are holding hands with him with some googly mushy grin on your face? What did I miss?”

  “It’s complicated,” I began, unsure of how much to say at this point as Lance started walking back toward us from the water. “He left a note at the shop last night so I stopped by his place this morning and we talked for awhile. It’s just that he’s…troubled. Maybe that’s not the right word, but I can’t explain it. He’s just lost. I can’t walk away from him now, Olivia. There’s something there, something in him that I so badly want to see through. He needs someone to help him through whatever he’s facing right now. I just can’t turn away from that.”

  Lance returned from the water, looking back and forth between us as we stood up from our towels. “That water is as cold as Olivia’s expression right now,” Lance joked, trying to lighten the mood. “I really am sorry about last night. Not one of my finer moments. I deserve the way you’re looking at me right now like you want to throat punch me. I was an ass and I know it.”

  “I can’t even begin to make sense of what happened last night, but please don’t piss her off again or we’re going to brawl,” Olivia said protectively. I appreciated the way she so fiercely stood up for me. Two decades of friendship could do that to a person, and although it was unnecessary, I knew she meant it.

  “I’ll keep that in mind,” Lance replied with a jovial expression on his face. “I have no intentions on ever doing that again. I know I screwed up. I completely admit it, and I apologize.”

  “Then I grant you permission to stay and hang with us,” Olivia shot back with a grin, kicking off her flip flops. That was one of the many things I loved about Olivia; she had this tough exterior, but forgiveness and grace came so easily to her, and I admired that.

  Lance peeled off his shirt and sat down on one of the towels I had laid out. I was in awe of everything I was staring at. As frustrated as Olivia was, she and Lexi looked equally drawn in by his defined abs and toned pecs. Logan’s physique was similar, so I was fairly certain this reminder would encourage Olivia to accept the idea that Logan may join us later.

  Olivia and Lexi headed down to the water, leaving us behind. “She’s terrifying,” Lance teased as soon as they were out of earshot. “I think I’d rather answer to your father.”

  “She’s not so bad.” I couldn’t help but laugh. “Her bark is worse than her bite. She’s so fragile and vulnerable in her own way when her own heart is involved. When it comes to Lexi and I, she’s the first to speak her mind and get defensive over how guys treat us, but yet she doesn’t do it for herself. This guy she’s seeing right now, Garrett, he treats her terribly. She puts up with it for some reason, which I’ll never understand. But when a guy offends Lexi or me, she turns into a tiger. That’s just Olivia for you.”

  “No wonder my brother was so into her,” he laughed. “He loves girls like that. Vipers, as he calls them. He wants to tame them all.”

  “Call him and tell him to come. She’ll get over all of it real quick. That’s her other weakness, guys with nice faces,” I said confidently. As mad as Olivia seemed when we first arrived, I was sure after two minutes with Logan all would be forgiven.

  Lance shot his brother a quick text with our location and Logan confirmed he would be down to join us in a bit. Sure enough, within thirty minutes we were all laughing together, joining in for a beach volleyball game, and frolicking through the chilly water. The sun was bright and warm, and the lake was crisp and refreshing. Every time I locked eyes with Lance, he looked exactly like the guy I first met – the one who I connected with quickly. He looked carefree, and that’s how I liked him best, without the weight he carried around that kept him from letting go of his past.

  Lexi eventually left to meet up with Nathan for the evening, and Olivia had to leave to get ready for her shift at the bar. Logan didn’t want to be the third wheel, so he headed back home after the girls both left.

  “I want to tell you about Charlie,” he began, apparently ready to add to the conversation we started earlier this morning. “He was my dog. He was a rescue mutt so I’m not sure how old he was, but I’d had him for about two years at that point. My ex, she was a mess, as you’ve heard. Her downturn started with pain pills from a car accident. Well, she’d had a messy past before me, so I guess that wasn’t the start of it for her. But from our time together, it was the first I’d experienced of her addiction. The pills mattered more and more to her. They changed her mood and her personality. She couldn’t give them up even after her physical wounds had healed from the accident. Things spiraled out of control so fast.”

  He was finally really opening up to me, and it meant more to me than he probably knew. I could tell this was heavy for him, and I respected his privacy. But talking about it would be the only way I could get a glimpse into what he’d been through.

  “In the thick of it, it got so bad,” he continued. “I didn’t recognize her at all. She was always on something. The weird thing was, she thought she needed the pills for me to be able to love her. She couldn’t comprehend that they were the single thing I couldn’t love about her. It was this disconnect between us, and we couldn’t get on the same side. She claimed the pills made her feel good, though all I saw from them was anger and violence. I hated the way she chose them over me. Her parents had given up on her long before, so I felt isolated in trying to help her.”

  I could hear the emotion in his voice as he spoke. I hated the way he sounded choked up about all of it as he retold the story.

  “One day I’d had enough. I went through our entire condo looking for her stash. She had them hidden everywhere, in drawers, along the bed frame… I realized no matter how many I threw away, there were always more. I was set on getting rid of all of them. I turned our entire place upside down. I thought that was the only way to save us. I must’ve found over thirty bottles and packages of various pills. I was collecting them all in the bathroom so I could flush them.”

  He hesitated, and I could tell his voice was giving up.

  “In my rage, I must’ve left the bathroom door open while going back and forth from room to room. That perfectly innocent dog, who never should’ve even been in that situation, he went in and got to the pills.” He paused again.

  “It was an accident,” I said softly, reaching out for his hand.

  “But it wasn’t. That was so careless of me. I was so set and focused on one thing – trying to clean out every remnant of the very thing destroying us – just to allow it to become more destructive to everything we were. I knew right away the dog had gotten into them. He was shaking. It was one of the worst experiences of my entire life.”

  I couldn’t imagine what he felt. I’d lost my childhood dog before going away to college and I was a wreck. Despite losing her relatively peacefully to old age, it still ate at me and I bawled incessantly for weeks. For Lance, having some involvement whatsoever in his dog’s passing, I understood how it affected him so greatly.

  “I was angry for so long before that event happened,” he continued, “but that sent me over the edge. I couldn’t do it anymore.”

  “No one would fault you for that,” I repli
ed genuinely, trying to imagine the anguish he went through.

  “It still got worse,” he said softly. “I thought that would be a wake-up call for her. Instead, it made everything worse. She blamed me, as did I, though I refused to admit it to her, and she still found more pills. Doctors weren’t giving them to her, so who knows where they even came from. We got in horrible fights, and I perpetually wanted to save her from herself, but I just…couldn’t. I wasn’t sleeping anymore. I was so angry all the time, I would just listen to music, trying to ignore the sounds of her violently ill in the bathroom. I wanted out, but I couldn’t leave. It tormented me.”

  “So what finally happened?”

  “The worst thing you can imagine,” he said quietly. “There’s no worse feeling. It was the most I’d ever hated myself, and it still haunts me.” He turned and faced me. “I feel like I’m still being punished for it. I tried to fix her and I couldn’t. I tried to save us and I somehow destroyed us further. Of all the things I’ve done wrong, that was the worst of it and now I still feel like I’m paying for it.”

  “I can’t imagine it’s as bad as you think.”

  “But it is,” he replied solemnly. “I gave up on someone. Isn’t that the worst thing someone can do to another person? Where would humanity be if we all gave up on those who needed us the most? That’s not how it’s supposed to be. I literally gave up and walked away. I thought I would feel free, but it’s the opposite. It feels like a sin I’ll never be forgiven for. It’s like a weight I can’t untie from my own body. It’s like I’m drowning in it. The nightmares don’t stop, so I try to avoid them altogether by not sleeping. But once my body is so rundown that it shuts off on its own, that’s when the real madness takes over. I’m outside of myself, saying things I don’t mean; doing things I don’t even realize. It’s like I’m still trapped in that life.”

  “But you’re not,” I whispered.

  He leaned down, gently touching his hand to my face. “I am so far away from the guy who deserves to fall for you,” he said quietly, looking into my eyes.

  “You’re here. That’s enough for me, Lance. The way you make me smile – the butterflies I feel in the pit of my stomach when I know I get to see you – the way you make me laugh – the way your arms feel around me… All of that is enough. You, Lance, are enough. No one has ever needed to be more than that.”

  Chapter 12

  As promised, Lance finally kept his word on taking me out for a real date. I had to work about five hours at the store, but still had some time to see Grandma Eve before heading back to my apartment.

  I told her about my date and she recounted the story to me about the first night she had gone out on a proper date with my grandfather. It was a sweet story I’d heard many times before, but it never got old. It was a blind date gone terribly wrong. He loved her madly the moment they met after being set up by mutual friends. She, however, took much more into consideration before she was sold on the idea of them as a couple.

  My grandfather took her to a clam bake, though she was allergic to seafood. They walked down by the old Leighton Lighthouse later that night and she cut her foot on a piece of glass washed up along the shore. They were supposed to watch the meteor showers from the planetarium’s observatory, but a storm hit, drowning their plans in a heavy rain. My grandma was discouraged by the entire evening; she took it all to be a sign that they simply weren’t meant to be. My grandpa, however, felt the exact opposite. No matter what insignificant detail tried to ruin their plans, the way he felt about her wasn’t lost on him. He scooped her up from the observatory, carried her out the doors, and danced with her in the pouring rain. He hummed a tune in her ear – one of her most favorite songs – and that was it. She knew he was a man she could dance with through any of life’s storms. He went on to love her for sixty-one years. There were very few details of their life that she could recount now, but that story stuck in her brain as if the entire thing happened just days before. I couldn’t begin to understand the madness that filled her brain now – the way she easily got confused over people who surrounded her and what her daily schedule was. But the way she held onto the greatest love story she’d ever known – that burned through my heart, and I never interrupted her when she retold the story.

  I finally had to say goodbye to her for the evening so I would have time to make it back to my apartment to clean up. By the time I made it home, I had just under an hour to shower and do my hair before Lance picked me up at six.

  I wore a maxi dress, my signature look these days, and grabbed a light sweater, expecting a chill in the air later tonight if he still had plans for us to walk down by the pier. I kept my wavy hair down and applied some light makeup. Finally there was a soft knock.

  As I opened the door, there was Lance in dark jeans and a white button down shirt. His face was clean shaven and his hair was perfect. The look in his eyes as I stared back at him was all I needed. It was sweet and sincere and everything I saw in him the first couple of times we hung out.

  We ate dinner at an open-air café near the water about ten minutes south of downtown. It was a new place I hadn’t yet tried after returning to Grand Harbor just a few months back. We had light, fun conversation throughout dinner and everything felt as it should. He told me about the new project he was working on for his Reclaimed organization, installing AC units for a group home that housed young adults with varying disabilities, and he lit up as he spoke about the people he’d met that he had the opportunity to help. These real, honest conversations with Lance were my favorite thing. He was one of the most genuine people I knew, and it radiated through him. It was one of the things I found most charming about him.

  “Want to walk down to the pier after this?” he suggested as we finished our food.

  “Sure,” I agreed, happy it was such a calm, clear night. “There are some dessert places down that way we can hit up if you want.”

  “I actually have dessert covered already,” he replied with a boyish grin. “I didn’t have to work today, remember? So I planned something.”

  “Did you bake me a cake?” I scrunched up my nose at him, wondering what he had in mind.

  “Not exactly, it’s store bought,” he replied with a laugh. “These hands only have so many talents, and baking surprisingly isn’t one of them. It needs to be dark first before we partake in that part of our night though, so let’s walk the pier first.” He grabbed my hand and led me out of the restaurant.

  Our stroll down the pier was perfection. He held on tight to my hand and I didn’t want to ever let it go. We watched the waves crash against the wood beneath us and it was picturesque.

  “I love this spot,” I gushed as we leaned down to stare at the water. The sun was beginning to set and the orange and purple streaks across the sky were radiant.

  “This is why I love Grand Harbor so much.” He leaned in close to me. “The waves are violent and rough, but it seems kind of simple all at the same time. It’s kind of like how I feel in my head. There’s chaos, but it comes in a recognizable pattern – like a rhythm that although I can’t stop, I can at least expect. Yet everyone around me sees it differently.”

  “I know you went through a lot,” I said softly, thankful he finally opened up to me the day before. It really mattered. “But the chaos you feel – it’s in here,” I said, gently touching his head with my fingers. “I know it torments you and digs at you, but there has to be a way to let it go. No one else sees it on the outside. I’m not saying it doesn’t exist, because it obviously does to you, a great deal. But it’s solely inside of you. There is nothing else here keeping you trapped in that guilt you feel. I don’t know what the answer is. Medication? Therapy? Forgiveness? I have no idea. But you have to clear it out somehow.”

  “I’m trying,” he replied quietly, nodding his head. “When I’m with you it doesn’t feel so heavy. It’s like some of the pressure has been lifted off my chest and I can breathe again. But at night for some reason, it floods back in and consumes
my brain. I can’t explain it. It just takes over my mind and I can’t shut it off.”

  “Not when I’m with you though?”

  “Right,” he replied. “Somehow it doesn’t find me then.”

  “So keep me with you.” I kissed him gently and he answered by intensifying it. His firm arms held me tight and this spot overtook us – the waves, the sunset, his ability to say what was in his head – all of it wrapped around us and I knew from this point forward I had no intentions of letting him go.

  We headed back to his truck, hand in hand, and I felt like I was glowing. I knew falling for someone took time, yet I was so eager to move ahead. We laughed together and shared deep conversation and I wanted so much more. Driving in his truck, wherever he was taking me, I didn’t want it to end. As the sun fully slid down underneath the horizon, with me in his passenger seat, staring back at him with soft music playing through the speakers – I wanted to freeze time. I wanted everything in life to stay just like this. Carefree. Happy. Untroubled.

  After a few more minutes of driving, we finally pulled off the main road up the narrow gravel path I remembered from before. He was taking me back to the rundown cabin.

  “Wouldn’t this be a better idea with some electricity?” I teased as he pulled his truck up to the dirt cutout right in front of the old dilapidated structure. His headlights actually illuminated the cabin quite well, but he shut down the engine as we parked.

  “Give me just one second,” he said excitedly, jumping out of the driver’s side of the truck. I tried to see where he was going, but it was too dark out. I could only see the tiny stream of light from the flashlight on his phone, but after about twenty seconds, I could no longer see that.

  Finally after about a minute or two, he returned to the truck.

  “Ready?” His face looked more mischievous than I expected.

  “I’m not sure. What exactly am I agreeing to?”