The Weight of Madness

by Randileigh Kennedy

“Just wait.” He held out a hand for me and escorted me out of the truck. Despite the darkness around us, I could see a faint glow from inside the few shoddy windows.

  He led me in through the front door, which apparently he’d repaired from the last time we were here, and the entire cabin looked different. The rough walls and splintered flooring looked untouched from my prior visit, but now soft white lights were strung all around the entire inside of the cabin. Although nothing else around me had probably changed, the softness and warmth of the lights overhead made all the difference. Oddly enough the place felt comforting and relaxing simply from the glow.

  In the middle of the floor there was a giant red blanket set up with candles and dessert plates and soft white flower petals sprinkled around it. The entire scene looked like a picture. It was a rustic setting with such a beautiful display of warmth right in the center. I’d never seen anything like it.

  “How did you do all of this?” I asked in complete awe.

  “I borrowed a generator from work,” he replied with a beaming grin, looking quite proud of his effort. “I just wanted a nice quiet spot for us to come to where we could talk. That’s the downside of living with my brother. Having a roommate around all the time isn’t exactly ideal for alone time.”

  “This is perfect,” I commented as he led me over to the red blanket. “It’s absolutely beautiful in here.” As we sat down I noticed he positioned the entire thing right in front of a giant picture window facing the lake. There were a few trees obstructing our view, but the moon shone perfectly on the water, illuminating at least a small strip of it for us to see from the cabin. The real view was from the upstairs balcony where you could see everything.

  “I wasn’t sure what kind of dessert you liked, so I grabbed one of each from that restaurant you sent me to the other night.” He opened up some Styrofoam containers.

  “I’m easy to please,” I replied, salivating over each one he opened. I appreciated the gesture of him picking them all in order to make sure there was something I loved.

  “I’m a tiramisu guy myself,” he said as he handed me a fork, “or anything with coconut.”

  “I’m a chocolate cake girl through and through,” I added, reaching out for the gooey molten chocolate cake sitting in front of me. I took a bite and it was delectable. This entire experience perfectly suited me – an insanely handsome guy with chocolate cake surrounded by flower petals and soft string lights… this moment would forever be burned into my brain.

  “Any news on finding out if you can buy this place? Or are you just planning to slowly move in and hope no one notices?”

  He laughed. “The woman at the title company is still checking on a few things for me. She suggested I also meet with someone from the bank to straighten some things out on that end too.”

  “Lexi works at Grand Harbor Bank over by my work. She could help you.”

  “Perfect, maybe I’ll stop by there next week.” He took a bite of his dessert. His mouth looked as happy as mine did. “Are you sure she’ll want to help me? Your friends don’t hate me?”

  “They’re protective of me, I know,” I stated matter-of-factly. “But they’re good people. At the end of the day, they just care that I’m happy.”

  “Are you?” he questioned apprehensively.

  “I’m shoveling half-baked chocolate cake in my face right now, it doesn’t seem like a fair time to ask,” I answered with a laugh.

  “I felt so awful about everything the last few days,” he confessed. “I genuinely thought it would be so much better for you if I just spared you from all this… from me.”

  “That’s the worst I’ve felt in a long time,” I admitted, unsure how ready I was to let my guard down and put my true feelings out there. “There was something about you, that first day we met – it just drew me in. Then you disappeared and I couldn’t figure out what I did wrong.”

  “Other than my brother, I’ve never talked to anyone about what had happened. I didn’t think I would ever have to. Especially moving here, I thought that I could just disappear from my past life and that would be it. Once I realized those two things were intersecting, I didn’t know how to handle it. Obviously I made the wrong choice there, walking away from you like that. But I didn’t know how else to save you from all of it.”

  “Why did you leave a note for me at my shop? You seemed pretty intent on letting it go when you walked away from me at Grave’s that night. Why did you write it?”

  “I went home after I saw you, and I was pissed,” he admitted. “I was pacing the apartment and I was so angry, about everything. I was so enraged by the idea that everything I’d left behind was still seeping into my life here. When I met you, I don’t know how to explain it, but there was just something different about you. The way you calm me and relax me – the way we talked for hours and time passed so quickly – it’s like I was finally feeling free from who I was, from all these other things that torment me. The thought of giving that up made me feel like I was going to combust. Like without you, maybe I could never escape this hole I’m in. I knew giving you up would save you, but I also realized it wouldn’t save me. I hated that thought. For the first time in awhile I was finally feeling good, like my burdens weren’t so heavy after all, but then after walking away from you I realized I was no better off. I was screaming, wanting to just hit something. It was as if I was outside my own mind in that moment. Apparently I broke some dishes. My anger was just seething through me. I think I also smashed a chair.”

  That I knew was true after seeing the chair myself – along with the hole it put into the wall. His words seemed like such a disconnect from the person sitting in front of me. He seemed so sweet and thoughtful and gentle when we were together. It was hard to imagine him as the person he spoke about.

  “I don’t know why I do that when I’m angry. I never used to be like that. It just seems like once I get to the point of hopelessness, it comes out as anger and somehow it just overtakes me, like I can’t control it. I didn’t even realize the damage I was doing as it was happening. I don’t know how to explain it. Am I scaring you?” he asked softly.

  “No.” I stared back at his broad chest and strong arms. No doubt there was a lot of strength in him. Throwing a chair would cause damage anyway, let alone the fact that he did it out of such anger. But yet the softness in his hands when they touched my skin – I didn’t feel an ounce of trepidation in my entire body.

  “I would never hurt you like that. You have to know that,” he said quietly, lacing his fingers with mine as we sat together on the blanket. “Just be patient with me. I have to figure out how to get through all of this.”

  “I’m not going anywhere,” I replied sincerely. Despite how quickly things progressed between us – how strongly I felt for him in a very little amount of time – I certainly had no desire to rush any of this either. Lance was every bit worth being patient for, no matter what he was going through.

  “I don’t know if it will get worse,” he whispered, gently putting his face against mine. “They say time helps, but I don’t know what that looks like.”

  “I’m not in a hurry. You can do all of this at your own pace.”

  He brushed back my hair and trailed kisses down my jaw. “All this madness in my head – I don’t know how to get rid of it. All I can promise you is that I’ll do my best to keep it there so it never touches you.”

  I couldn’t begin to understand what he was saying. He spoke clearly about it, very aware of the darkness swirling around inside him, yet he still didn’t seem to truly understand it all himself. I too wondered if he would be able to move past what haunted him, or if it would always be a part of him, no matter how far he’d moved on from it. There was no way of knowing that now.

  Only time would tell what kind of a challenge this would truly be.

  Chapter 13

  The orange glow from the early morning sunrise crept in through the second story window of the old rundown cabin we still occupied. Lance w
as sound asleep next to me on an air mattress he’d set up near the upstairs balcony. Without any curtains, the view of the sun creeping up to shine over the water was as magnificent as I’d ever seen it.

  Lance looked so peaceful as he slept. Again, we were up most of the night talking, learning about one another, growing closer as we connected through old stories along with detailing our future hopes and dreams. He talked more about the work he’d done for the Reclaimed organization, and how he had plans to do so much more. I admired his passion for it. We both longed for a simple life, living by the beach, working hard during the day and then enjoying a fire pit and stars in the evenings. So much of what we wanted looked the same, and I couldn’t help but dwell on that and wonder how this would progress.

  For all his stories about the way he felt tormented at night, I still had yet to see it myself. He seemed so peaceful with me, tangled up in blankets as we drifted off to sleep sometime around two or three a.m. The fact that he was still sound asleep now at six, I knew this would restore him and I loved the way our time together did that for him.

  I stood up from the air mattress, hoping not to wake him. I walked out onto the balcony, leaving the door slightly ajar so the sound wouldn’t disturb him. I watched the orange glow creep over the horizon. There was a chill in the air but I didn’t mind it. The crisp breeze that hit my face felt rejuvenating. The water seemed calm and it appeared to be another perfect day.

  Two strong arms reached around me and I was pulled into Lance’s chest. “Good morning,” he whispered into my ear. It felt like my entire body was smiling. “Do you want some chocolate cake for breakfast?”

  “I ate it all last night. I never leave leftover cake,” I replied with a soft laugh. “I tried not to wake you when I got up just now.” I leaned into his warm chest.

  “I would give anything to wake up like this every single day for the rest of my life,” he smirked. I knew he meant it in more of a general sense – waking up to a beautiful sunrise surrounded by the gentle sound of the waves rolling up on the shore. It was serene and peaceful by anyone’s standards. Obviously I wanted to read more into the fact that my presence had something to do with it as well.

  “Are you going into work today?”

  “Of course,” I snickered. “Story of my life. The shop is open seven days a week. Even when the floor is covered, I feel like I still need to go in for a few hours just to make some progress.”

  “Like working on all the lighting designs for the Rivers Residence?”

  “You get the deed to this place and I’ll give you all the lighting you want,” I offered up. After staying in this dive just one night, I already felt part of it. I so badly wanted to see what this place could become with a little love.

  “Can I see you tonight?” he asked with a serious smile on his face. He pulled me in and kissed me and he already knew my answer. I wanted plans with him indefinitely. I loved living on my own and felt very independent, but I had to admit, nights wrapped up in Lance’s arms felt so much better than sleeping alone in my own apartment.

  ***

  The next two weeks looked the same day after day. I went into the shop early every morning and Austin teased me mercilessly for the glowing stupid grin I walked around with throughout my entire shift. I still made time to swing into Grandma Eve’s place every afternoon, even if it was just for a quick cup of tea or for enough time to give her nails a fresh coat of paint. Then Lance would swing by my apartment to pick me up once he was finished with work and our evenings would begin.

  We took walks along various piers and to the different lighthouses around us. We’d spend dinners eating on the beach, sometimes jumping into the freezing water at night, just so we could warm back up together by the fire pit on his patio. Long after the sun went down we held onto each other under the stars, exploring one another, learning more about each other. We spent more time floating along the Grand Sun River, and talking under midnight skies about what we wanted in life. Occasionally when I had an afternoon off, I was able to help him on some of his Reclaimed projects. My tasks were small; sanding, painting, removing old screws – but I loved participating nonetheless. I admired his dedication to helping people. It was one of the things I found most attractive about him, and I was grateful that he let me help, even though I barely knew what I was doing. He was patient and sweet and I loved every second of it.

  Time passed effortlessly and he so easily became part my routine. I longed to spend time with him every free night I had, and the sunrises, which I’d always loved before, began feeling more like a curse as they signaled the end of our nights together. I wanted so much more time with him each day.

  Whatever had plagued him at night before we became close – it seemed to affect him so much less now, at least from what I witnessed. Occasionally he would wake from a violent dream or shake in his sleep until I gently soothed him, reminding him that I was next to him and that everything was okay. Once he had some kind of panic attack in the middle of the night. He couldn’t breathe and he was trembling. I held onto his hands, slowly breathing with him, until it finally passed. For the most part, he slept at least a little bit each night, which seemed to subdue a lot of his prior issues. He stopped taking the sleeping pills altogether, which seemed to help the sleepwalking occurrences his brother described to me before. I still felt as though he was keeping things in – he rarely talked about what he went through, other than his admission about the dog and vague details about his rough breakup, but I didn’t care. I didn’t need to know everything about him to fall for him the way I was. If he was healing somehow, that was enough for me.

  “So you’re coming with me to Olivia’s Memorial Day party, right? The one at her parents’ house I told you about?” I asked as we laid under the stars the night before the holiday.

  “I will go anywhere with you,” he said sweetly, trailing kisses down my neck. We were tangled up on the chaise on his patio, looking out onto the water. It was one of our favorite spots, and I loved that so many of our nights together ended this way. “What’s going on with her and my brother?”

  “I thought maybe you knew more than me about that. I know they’ve been texting some, but she’s still kind of seeing this other guy and she doesn’t know what she’s doing. It’s complicated.”

  “It usually is,” he replied, still kissing my face. “But not for us, right?”

  I stared back at him, feeling everything he was feeling. Despite our rocky start, we seemed over that now. We connected in a way I wasn’t use to; I was typically wary and uncertain of new relationships, the few I’d had anyway, and it took a lot for me to fully let my guard down to trust someone. With Lance, however, I poured myself completely into him without abandon, and I knew the way he cared for me in return by the look in his eyes. It consumed me, and I wanted nothing more than to continue down this path.

  The following day, we arrived at Olivia’s party around two in the afternoon. Things were well underway as people gathered throughout the house, out on the patio, and down by the beach. Her parents had a lot of money, there was no denying that. They lived in a gigantic blue monstrosity right on the lake. They’d bought the place when Olivia was in high school, and I felt slightly guilty every year when I returned for this event knowing just how many parties Olivia and I had while they were away on vacation during our teenage years. Looking back now, we weren’t exactly the most responsible teenagers, but Olivia and I had wonderful memories because of it.

  “Sophia, darling,” Olivia’s dad Richard said warmly as soon as Lance and I arrived.

  “Mr. Prescott, this is Lance,” I introduced them and Lance shook his hand.

  “For heaven’s sake, Soph, I’ve known you since you were a drooling little tot. No ‘Mr. Prescott,’ call me Richard,” he replied with a genuine chuckle.

  “You have a beautiful house,” Lance said politely, looking around.

  “Lance is working on the McCarthy house up the beach,” I explained.

  “Ah, t
he big stone mass putting the rest of us to shame,” Richard laughed again. “Enjoy your day here. Anything you need, just ask.” Richard kindly excused himself to greet other party guests. There had to be over fifty people in attendance by now.

  “Soph, out back,” Olivia called out to me, holding some blended drink in her hand. She was standing next to Garrett, who looked busy on his phone. She mentioned to me earlier that she didn’t even want him at the party, but of course had invited him weeks ago when she was more smitten by him. She felt it was too late and awkward to pull the invitation, yet he didn’t look like he wanted to be part of the party anyway. I so badly wished she would just ditch him already.

  I introduced Lance to Lexi’s boyfriend, Nathan, and a few other friends gathered around our spot on the beach. Olivia was so much better at staying in touch with old high school friends than I was. I guess my four and a half years away at college was the culprit there. Now that I was back in town for good though, I knew I needed to make a better effort.

  Blended drinks were being passed around and some loud party music filled our area of the beach. There was definitely a distinct line of young party goers like ourselves down by the beach versus all of the older friends of her parents who were milling around indoors.

  “The real party is later tonight,” Olivia explained to Lance. “There are a bunch of fireworks set off here from the beach. We usually all end up in the water late night. It gets a little crazy.”

  “Explosives and swimming after an entire afternoon of day-drinking? What could go wrong,” he said sarcastically, sipping on a cocktail someone handed to him.

  “You’ll love it, I swear,” Olivia replied with a laugh. “Let’s play some volleyball.”

  Within a few minutes, we had two teams set up at the built-in volleyball court in front of Olivia’s pool. We must’ve played for over an hour. After six games, we relaxed in the sun, went for a swim, and listened to music the rest of the afternoon. It was nice having an entire day off work, and more importantly, an entire day with Lance. I loved watching him interact with my friends. They all got along well and it warmed me.