Lost In You (Swanson Court #3)

by Serena Grey

  I swallow, and as if on cue, my phone starts to ring. It’s my mother.

  “I love you,” I tell Landon again, pressing my lips to his, before reaching for the door handle.

  He grips my arms as he kisses me back properly before letting me go. “I love you too. Call me when you land.”

  “HAVEN’T you been getting enough sleep?” My mother asks after the plane takes off. .

  I blink at her, blushing as my thoughts go back to last night, and the lovemaking that had lasted through the night and the early hours of the morning. I’d started dozing as soon as I got on the plane.

  “It’s been kinda stressful settling into a new job,” I lie, not meeting her eyes. I’m grateful when she faces aunt Jacie and they go back to their wedding talk.

  I finally wake up just before we land. Nana has arranged a car to take us to the hotel, a sprawling resort on the beach where the wedding will taking place. As soon as we unpack and freshen up, we head for her house, the hired car driving smoothly through the quaint cobblestone streets.

  Nana’s house is a sprawling bungalow in an ancient, but beautiful and quiet part of town. The compound is airy and full of fruit trees, but inside the house, it smells like wood polish and old books, and there are many books, ranging from fiction to history, which Nana used to teach at the University before she retired. There are also stacks and stacks of old copies of all the magazine issues in which Aunt Jacie ever appeared.

  Nana wheels her mechanized wheelchair to the front porch but gets up to hug Laurie and me.

  “Look how beautiful you two have grown,” she says. She has a sweet, lilting accent, almost like poetry. “Where is Dylan?”

  “He has exams,” I explain, “He’ll be here with Brett on Friday.”

  “Ah, Brett.” She grins at Laurie. “Congratulations again, my dear. He is a fine young man.”

  She turns her attention to the parents and we go inside to the large living room. Soon, Aunt Jacie’s brother Ferdi arrives with his daughters, Berry and Tamia, who are a few years older than Laurie and me. They bring their children, who soon finish their lunch and start tearing around the house with that energy that children always seem to have.

  They finally drag us outside to watch them climb trees. We leave the older generation in the living room and go to sit on the front porch, drinking cold glasses of fruit punch and keeping an eye on the children while we talk about the wedding, our bridesmaid dresses, men, and honeymoon plans.

  “Where are you going?” Berry asks. She is the more vivacious of the two and she talks as fast as a runaway train.

  “Venice,” Laurie replies. “Dad and Uncle Trent’s wedding gift.”

  “Lucky you,” Berry says, and we start to talk about trips abroad and dream destinations. Tamia spent her honeymoon in Paris and Berry in Dubai, and we go on about the advantages of the beautiful cities. They soon turn to me to ask me where I would like to spend my honeymoon.

  I laugh nervously. ‘I’m not even engaged.”

  “But according to Laurie you have a guy who’s crazy about you,” Tamia’s voice is whisper soft. “It probably won’t be long now.”

  “Ha!” I exclaim, just as my phone rings. I can’t hide my smile when I see that it’s Landon. I get up to answer it, ignoring the meaningful looks from the girls. I’m glad to hear his voice, even though we’ve already spoken once since I landed.

  “Hey.”

  “Hey.” He sounds tired. “I just wanted to hear your voice.”

  “I miss you too.”

  “How’s it going over there?”

  “We’re at Nana’s house with Laurie’s cousins, talking men and relationships.”

  “How very liberated of you all.” There is a teasing note in his voice.

  “What are you doing?” I ask, smiling.

  “Working, and thinking of you.” I sigh, and he continues. “What will you be doing all week?”

  “Ah… Tomorrow we have shopping and I’m tagging along to meet the decorators. Then the next day, I’m going to be on my own, I’m meeting Michael Davis for his interview.”

  “You never told me the end of that story,” Landon says. On his side, I hear a couple of quick taps, like typing on a keyboard.

  “I’ll tell you when you get here. What are you doing?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Are you googling him?”

  Landon laughs. “Of course.”

  I shake my head. “You’re unbelievable.”

  “I know.” He pauses. “He’s very…”

  “…Attractive?”

  “I was going to say good-looking, but I guess you know better.”

  “You’re jealous,” I say, laughing.

  “Of course I’m jealous,” There is a smile in his voice. “Enjoy yourself,” he says, after a short pause. “And let me know if you need anything, okay?”

  I smile, “Okay.”

  After dinner at Nana’s, we go back to our hotel. We’re all tired, so we don’t have any other plans apart from going straight to our suites. On the way in, the manager is in the lobby and he greets everyone politely before approaching me in particular, to let me know that he and the rest of the staff are available at any time if there’s anything I want.”

  I smile and thank him graciously, even though I know that Landon probably has everything to do with the attentiveness. I tell him as much when he calls me just before I go to bed, and he doesn’t even try to deny it.

  “I do have considerable clout within the hospitality industry,’ he tells me. “I’m allowed to use it to make sure you’re treated like a queen.” There’s a pause. “Do you mind?”

  “No.” I’m lying in bed with the phone on my ear. “I miss you too much to care about what’s going on around me.”

  “Ah,” he breathes. “I miss you too.”

  I spend the next day shopping with my mom, Laurie, and aunt Jacie. We also make sure all the marriage paperwork is complete. We visit the caterers, the florists, and almost all the other vendors before Laurie and I finally beg off and take a walk through town, having an early dinner at a seafood restaurant before returning to the hotel.

  The next day, everyone goes out without me. I sleep in, waking up much later than usual, but with enough time to make it for my interview. The hotel provides a complimentary car to take me to the university, where I’m meeting Michael Davis, who is even more attractive in person than he is in his pictures. The interview goes well, although I keep remembering my conversation with Landon and his admission of being jealous, and trying not to smile.

  Afterward, I find the school bookstore and wander around, purchasing a few paperbacks before I return to the hotel. I’m surprised by how tired I am, and I’m almost about to nod off when Tamia calls me to talk about the all-in nuptial eve party she’s planning for Laurie and Brett.

  When everybody returns in the late afternoon, I’m asleep, but Laurie comes to wake me up, and we lie in bed talking about the future until it’s time to join the rest of the family for dinner.

  The next day, Brett and Dylan arrive, as well as Brett’s parents, Brett’s best man Jordan, who’s also his partner at the gym, and Christi, a bubbly redhead from Laurie’s office, who along with Tamia, Berry and me, make up Laurie’s bridesmaids.

  The dads spent the afternoon golfing, while my Mom, aunt Jacie and Brett’s mom go over last minute details, like ensuring that everything Laurie needs for the wedding has been taken over to Aunt Jacie’s old room at Nana’s house, which has been remade into a bridal suite.

  The party is in the evening, and somehow the suite I’m sharing with Laurie becomes the hub where we’re all dressing up.

  I’m ready before Laurie and Christi, so when they decide they need makeup wipes to repair a contouring error, I volunteer to go down to the hotel pharmacy. Once there, I quickly pick the wipes off the shelves, buying alcohol-free ones as well, just in case. I’m already on my way to the counter when something makes me stop.

  I’m standing in the w
omen’s product section, and the shelves on my left are stocked with tampons.

  Reminding me of the untouched ones still in my luggage.

  I frown, wondering how long ago I should have needed them. At least a few days ago.

  I breathe, telling myself not to panic, but instantly, my mind goes back to those two weeks when I’d been miserable, uncertain if Landon would ever come back to me. How many days of my pills had I missed?

  Taking a deep breath, I look through the shelves until I find the pregnancy test kits. Back in the suite, I give Laurie the wipes, then go inside my room and use all four sticks I bought.

  It only takes a few minutes, by the time Laurie and Christi are finally ready and we all go downstairs to the waiting car, my fear has been confirmed.

  I’m pregnant.

  I’M pregnant.

  Throughout the journey to the club, I remain in a daze, unable to pay attention to anything happening around me, floating somewhere between absolute pleasure and tortuous uncertainty. The thought of Landon’s child, my child, growing inside me fills me with a sense of delight that I can’t deny, but we’ve never talked about children. Our greatest commitment is admitting that we love each other, and deciding to live together. A child is a huge leap forward that I don’t know if we’re ready to take.

  I barely remember refusing the shots Berry brings to our table, or refusing the next round of drinks, and asking for water instead. Everybody else is screaming and laughing, having fun, but I’m spaced out, not quite sure of what I should do.

  “Are you alright?” I look up to see Laurie’s concerned face. “You don’t look too good.”

  “I’m a little tired,” I tell her apologetically, realizing that I have to pull myself together somehow and be present for her party. “I’m sorry. I need some air. I’ll be right back.”

  I go back toward the entrance, stepping outside to the wide expanse of lawn separating the building, which looks like an old colonial home, from the quiet street.

  “Are you alright madam?”

  It’s one of the bouncers. I wave a hand to let him know I’m fine. The last time I spoke with Landon was last night, and I know that today he’s in San Francisco. As I pull out my phone from my clutch, I wonder if it’s too late to call him, but I do anyway, because I desperately need to talk to him.

  I wait for the connection, my anxiety mixed with the images of a cute baby with Landon’s eyes that are starting to fill my head.

  But… what if he doesn’t want children?

  What if he’s not ready?

  What if I’m not ready?

  Apprehension builds in my stomach and I try to breathe, to calm myself. I need to tell him, to hear what he’s going to say.

  The phone starts to ring on his end, and he answers after a few rings. “I can’t talk now,” is the first thing he says. “I’ll call you later.”

  “Landon…” I start to reply when I hear the voice on the other end.

  “I suppose that’s the girlfriend,” she’s saying. It’s Ava. Her voice is unmistakable and mocking. “How like her to somehow interrupt…”

  I don’t hear the rest of what she says. I frown and look at my screen, and the call is still on. “Hello?” My voice is frantic as insane possibilities roar through my head.

  “I’m here.” Landon’s voice is quiet. “I’ll call you later.”

  “Who is that?” I say thinly, wanting more than anything for him to tell me that it’s someone else. “Who’s there with you?”

  “Ava,” he replies. There is resignation in his voice.

  I don’t say anything. Ava! Of all people, and of all the moments! I cut the connection, silence the phone, and place it back in my purse. My mind is purposely blank as I make my way back inside. Because I know that if I allow myself to think of Landon with Ava, of the sharp pang of jealousy making its way through my body, of the pictures rearing up in my head, I won’t be able to be there for my cousin tonight.

  I PUT in a good performance for the rest of the night, and Laurie and Brett have fun, which is what matters. After screeching at each other in the guise of singing karaoke, watching a troupe of male and female exotic dancers, while everybody gets pleasantly drunk, except me, we finally pile back into our cars and taxis.

  Back in the hotel, Laurie sneaks off to Brett’s suite and I’m left alone to dwell on Landon, Ava and the fact that I’m pregnant.

  He loves me, I whisper to myself, trying to control the irrational feelings of jealousy, the pictures my imagination does not hesitate to conjure. He loves me.

  I hear a vibrating sound. It’s my phone, from inside my purse. I know it’s Landon, but I don’t trust myself to talk to him. My head, now that I’m alone, is filled with irrational suspicions. What if he’s still with Ava so many hours later? What if the reason he was meeting her is something that will hurt me?

  What if…

  I breathe, pulling myself off that line of thought. I ignore the call and go to the bathroom to take a shower and wash away all the makeup and club debris. Maybe Landon will assume that I’ve gone to bed, and maybe I should. By tomorrow, I’ll probably be able to speak to him without giving free rein to my jealousy and saying things I’ll regret.

  When I return to the room, the hotel phone is ringing, and I pick it up without thinking.

  “Are you avoiding my calls?” Landon’s voice is tight, almost angry. Immediately I get angry too. Why should I be the one trying to explain myself when he’s the one who was meeting with his ex-girlfriend?

  “How was Ava?” I ask pointedly.

  He makes a sound. “So that’s it, isn’t it? You were ignoring my calls because I met with Ava? How about trying not to interpret every single situation to confirm your insecurities?

  My insecurities? I bristle at the words. If I was insecure, I had good reason. “Why would I feel secure about the fact that you saw your former long-term girlfriend without letting me know? Even though you’re aware that I have an issue with your continued relationship with her. Maybe you need her to convince her family to sell you a few more properties, or maybe she needs some comforting seeing as her asshole brother is going off the rails. And you’re so considerate of her feelings aren’t you, even when your safety is at stake.”

  “Don’t be like this.” His voice is serious, quiet.

  I swallow and breathe, trying to calm my thoughts. “Why did you meet her?”

  “Evans left the rehab facility, and I haven’t been able to find out where he is. I thought she might know.”

  “When?”

  “More than a week ago.”

  “More than…” I sigh, thinking of the extra security measures. He had known, but he hadn’t bothered to tell me. “You didn’t tell me. I was right there with you and you didn’t tell me? You let me travel…” I breathe. “You keep treating me like I’m some piece of candy on your arm. I ask you to see someone about your nightmares, you don’t. You have a problem and you ignore my input and the problem escalates but you choose not to share it with me.” A frustrated sound escapes my lips. “I want to trust that I’m your partner, not just a replacement for Ava, the woman who somehow keeps popping up in your life, in our lives.”

  “Stop it,” he says. His voice is somehow calm, even though mine has been rising steadily as I spoke. “You’re making this much more than it is.”

  “Am I? Why did you have to ‘meet’ her? Why couldn’t she tell you on the phone if she knew where he was? Did she ask to set a date… tell you she’d rather talk in person? I’m sure she did, and of course, you couldn’t say no because… Ava.” I stop, angry with him, with Ava, with myself. Was it too much that I never wanted to hear her name again, that I wanted him to forget that he had ever been with her. Wasn’t that love? Wanting to erase the thought of everyone that came before you, because what he felt for you made them… irrelevant?

  “You’re obviously not prepared to listen to me,” Landon says slowly. “I have a lot to deal with over here. If you want to be suppo
rtive, instead of creating a scenario in your head and refusing to entertain anything else, understand that I have a lot on my mind.”

  “So I’m being unreasonable,” I mutter. I’m suddenly on the verge of tears. “You know what? I don’t feel like talking anymore. I want to go to bed.”

  “Rachel...”

  I don’t reply. I hear him sigh, a frustrated sound, just before I cut the connection.

  THE next day is spa day, and I push my conversation with Landon to the back of my mind and join, Laurie, her cousins, and Christi at the hotel spa, where we are pampered to within an inch of our lives. That night, we go over to Nana’s house to spend the night.

  The next morning, Aunt Jacie and my mom come over with the stylist. The house is bustling with activity, but the room where Laurie and I are staying is like an oasis of calm. The stylist and the photographer work in silence, dressing Laurie and taking pictures. The other bridesmaids arrive and we get our makeup done and our hair adorned with colorful garlands.

  Our ride back to the hotel is cheerful and boisterous in the two rented vintage Rolls Royces decorated with flowers, ribbons and ‘about to wed’ signs. At the beach, the decorators have managed to create a flowery oasis. Rose petals define the carpeted aisle, with bright plastic chairs on either side decorated with ribbons and bows. At the end of the aisle, Brett is standing with the minister and his best man under a white flowery arbor.

  The parents and Nana are all seated in the front row, apart from Uncle Taylor, who’s leading Laurie to the altar. One of Berry’s little girls is in front of them, scattering more petals on the floor. I follow behind, walking slowly to the soft music from the band. Berry, Tamia, and Christi follow behind me, arm in arm with Dylan and Brett’s other groomsmen.

  I know Landon is there before I see him. The flutter in my spine is my first warning, then I get the familiar feeling of his eyes on me. I turn to my right and he’s seated in one of the rows, dressed with the simplicity of the occasion in a long-sleeved white shirt and linen pants. He takes off his dark glasses as my eyes reach his face, and his eyes meet mine.