Born Bad

by Josephine Cox

  ‘You make sure you keep it!’ Don warned. ‘We’ll come up regularly, to make sure everything is all right.’

  ‘And you’ll be very welcome.’ Mac turned to go back to the car. Time was getting on and he wanted to be back in Lytham as soon as possible.

  Both Don and Nancy waved to Sammie as the car drove off, with Sammie calling out, ‘I’ll be okay, Mum … I’ll telephone you!’ before winding up the window.

  ‘We’ll be waiting for your call!’ Don shouted, and Sammie waved until she could not see them any more.

  ‘I’m glad you two made friends before she left,’ Don remarked as they went back inside. ‘I don’t like to see you at each other’s throats.’

  Calmer now, Nancy laughed a little sadly. It was an emotional moment for her, seeing her daughter leave home. Things would never be quite the same again. ‘You’ll be disappointed if you think we’ll never argue again,’ she said, chokily. ‘Didn’t you know … Sammie and I were born to torment each other.’

  When Nancy disappeared into the kitchen, Don stood before the window, watching the tail end of the car as it turned the corner. ‘Don’t think I don’t know what you’re up to,’ he muttered as the car went from sight. ‘Don’t underestimate me, Mac. I’m nobody’s fool!’

  Having cleared the breakfast things from the kitchen, Nancy went to her bedroom, where she was like a cat on hot bricks. First she was looking out the window, then she was sitting on the bed, and now she was pacing back and forth across the carpet.

  Going to the dressing-table, she sat on the stool and observed herself in the mirror, noticing how the fine lines on her face had deepened into the beginning of wrinkles. ‘You’re looking your age,’ she muttered sadly. ‘One day, when you’re old and ugly, the things you should have done and never did, will come back to haunt you.’

  She sat there for what seemed an age, before returning downstairs. Don was in the garden, gently swinging back and forth on the tree-swing, smoking his pipe, and absent-mindedly throwing an old ball around for Lottie.

  Hesitating for just a moment, Nancy went across and sat beside him. ‘Sammie will be all right, won’t she, Dad?’

  He put his arm round her, ‘We all know she can be stubborn as a mule … much like yourself.’ He drew her close, ‘… but deep down she’s a sensible girl.’

  For a time, father and daughter sat together, gently swinging back and forth, deep in thought, until Nancy spoke. ‘It’s so hard, seeing Sammie going away like that. It seems like only yesterday she was just a little girl at school.’

  ‘I know.’ He understood. ‘But life goes on, as they say.’

  ‘Dad?’

  ‘Yes, love?’

  ‘I know I can be difficult at times,’ she confided. ‘I’m bad-tempered and argumentative, and I hate myself for it, but I love you all, I really do. I just couldn’t bear it if this family fell apart.’

  ‘Now you’re being silly. In fact, if only to put your mind at rest, I was thinking maybe we should all go and see Sammie this coming weekend. Make sure she’s settled in okay.’ His voice stiffened. ‘We need to satisfy ourselves that she’s being taken good care of.’

  Surprisingly, and because she wanted Sammie to see that she really was trying, Nancy disagreed. ‘Best not. It would only aggravate her. She would think we can’t trust her.’

  ‘Mm. Maybe you’re right. I’ll go along with whatever you say.’ Don grinned. ‘On this occasion anyway.’

  There was a long pause before Nancy spoke again. ‘Do you think we’re being punished?’

  Putting his feet to the ground, Don promptly stopped the swing. ‘Punished? Whatever for?’

  ‘For Judy,’ she replied in a low voice. ‘For doing what we did to her.’

  Don became very agitated. ‘We did nothing to her!’ Knocking his pipe out on the arm of the swing, he reminded Nancy, ‘You know as well as I do, the lass brought it on herself. She ended up in the family way, when she was little more than a child. We loved her and took care of her, and that was how she repaid us.’

  He remembered it as if it was yesterday; it still hurt. ‘There was a time when I convinced myself that it wasn’t altogether her fault, much like you are doing now. I blamed everyone but her. I even blamed myself for not being a proper father. I went looking for her – spent weeks wandering around, until I gave up.’

  He shuddered. ‘What I saw that night in Bedford recently shocked me to my roots. I knew then that she must have badness in her; that whatever we did, she would have gone wrong anyway. I saw the devil in her that night. It made me realise she was beyond saving! I could not believe what she’d made of herself – little more than a woman of the streets, she was. Drunk out of her mind, and fighting like an alley-cat with some man.’

  He let slip something he had not divulged up until now. ‘You never knew it, but I went back again, hoping I might have been too quick in jumping to conclusions; that maybe it wasn’t Judy I saw after all. Maybe there was a riotous party, and she just got caught up with the revellers.’

  His voice was almost inaudible, as though he was talking to himself. ‘I saw that same man she had been with, and I followed him to Jackson Street. Judy was there. I saw him go inside. I watched them through the window. The light was on and the curtains were open. Almost as soon as he got through the door they were arguing. The man was shouting and bawling … it was bedlam! He hit her, and then she gave herself to him. It was disgraceful. I couldn’t stay. I was sick to my stomach.’

  He shook his head as though in disbelief. ‘I never went back.’ His face hardened. ‘That woman was not my daughter. She was not the Judy we knew. She was bold and cheap. A stranger to me.’

  As though realising he was thinking aloud, he spun round to tell her, ‘So don’t you ever punish yourself over the sister you once had. She’s gone. The Judy we knew does not exist any more.’

  ‘I never knew you went back,’ she said. ‘Why didn’t you tell us?’

  ‘No need really. It was just to satisfy myself that I really did see Judy at her worst, and that I hadn’t imagined it.’ He made a gruff noise from the depths of his throat. ‘I did not imagine it though. I saw how she had turned out, and now I never want to see her, or hear of her again.’

  ‘I do understand what you’re saying,’ Nancy was quick to acknowledge. ‘It’s just that, well … sometimes I wonder about her. Why did she turn out like that? When we were girls together, she was good to be with. She was kind and lovely, and so funny, she made me laugh. And then she changed – became secretive and sullen. I just couldn’t get though to her any more.’

  Blocking out the good memories, she asked, ‘What made her go bad? Why did she turn out wild and wanton like that? We were always a respectable family, and she spoiled it all. She made it impossible for us to stay in the neighbourhood. We had to move away, and it was all Judy’s fault.’

  ‘Let it go, Nancy.’

  But his elder daughter couldn’t. ‘One minute she was a happy girl, looking forward to the future, and then she was all moody and quiet, and so aggressive, she frightened me. I just don’t understand why!’

  Standing up from the swing, Don told her firmly, ‘I said I never wanted to hear her name again! I mean it, Nancy. I thought we agreed?’

  Nancy patted the seat beside her. ‘Come and sit down, Dad,’ she said. ‘I’m sorry. It’s just … well, seeing Sammie going out of our lives like that, it just seems like the family is falling apart all over again.’

  ‘Nonsense.’ He sat down again. ‘What happened to Judy was a totally different matter. I can’t see that ever happening again. Trust me, Nancy, this family is as strong as ever. It’s just that Sammie is growing up. She’s flexing her wings, that’s all.’

  Nancy nodded. Deep down she knew he was right, but she still felt uneasy, afraid. ‘I suppose it’s just that when a bird flies its nest, the nest seems that much emptier, doesn’t it?’ she asked.

  ‘That’s exactly right. That’s all it is.’

 
‘Do you think Sammie will ever come back home?’

  ‘Maybe not for ever, because that wouldn’t be right – but even birds that have flown come back to the nest sometimes.’

  They spent a few more minutes swinging together and talking, until Nancy decided on something. ‘I’ve got to go,’ she said.

  ‘Go where?’ Don objected. ‘You can spare a few more minutes with your old dad, and your old dog, can’t you?’

  Nancy was already on her way to the house. ‘Maybe later!’ she said over her shoulder. ‘Shan’t be too long.’

  She ran into the house and on up the stairs, and in her bedroom she grew both excited and troubled. ‘Got to do it.’ She drew her shoes out from the wardrobe. ‘I have to see her,’ she muttered feverishly. ‘I have to talk with her.’

  Don was making his way back to the house when he saw her. ‘So you’re off out then?’ He strolled across to the car. ‘When you get back, how d’you fancy taking the dog for a walk, eh? Blow away the cobwebs, so to speak. Being as you’ve got yourself all wound up over Sammie, I reckon it’ll take your mind off things.’ Lottie barked loudly, as if to agree, and they both chuckled. Nancy leaned forwards to pet the dog’s huge, blunt head.

  ‘Thanks, Dad. I won’t be long.’

  ‘Take care then, love.’

  ‘And you.’ She felt ashamed, knowing she was doing something he would not approve of. ‘I’ll be quick as I can.’

  ‘Where are you off to?’

  She pretended not to hear him. ‘Bye then.’

  Don waved her off. ‘I don’t know, old lass.’ He talked to the dog as they ambled back. ‘We’ve been deserted again.’ He shook his head, gave a sigh, and followed Lottie to the kitchen, where he set about making himself a pot of tea. ‘She’s promised to take us out for that walk when she gets back,’ he advised the elderly bull terrier. ‘We shall just have to settle for that.’

  While the dog munched her biscuits, Don sat back in his chair, sipping his tea and enjoying a couple of biscuits of his own, out of the biscuit barrel. ‘It don’t matter who comes or goes, this family is rock-solid,’ he declared, dipping a Rich Tea finger in the brew and cursing when it disintegrated.

  Kathleen was weary. Having spent some considerable time knocking and getting no response, she stooped to the letter-box, at the entrance to the flat in Jackson Street, opened it up and shouted through the slit. ‘Judy, will ye please talk to me, sweetheart. Sure, I only want to help.’

  No answer.

  ‘Judy, I know you’re in there so will ye open the door. Please me darlin’. Open the door for the love of God!’

  Still no answer.

  Wondering what to do next, Kathleen hoisted herself up and leaned against the wall. ‘I know she’s in there,’ she muttered to herself. ‘Somehow or another, I have to make her answer, so I do!’

  Weary and cold, she tried once more. ‘Judy, listen to me. I know how unhappy you are, and I want to help! Open the door and come home with me, Judy, and we’ll sort it out.’

  The house was quiet. Kathleen could hear no sign of movement, though she had an instinct that Judy was listening to her every word.

  ‘All right, me darlin’.’ She leaned forward, opened the letter-box yet again and put her mouth close, her voice quieter, more persuasive. ‘Harry loves ye, so he does. We want to take care of you and the child. We have an idea of what’s going on here, and Harry wants to help. I have to say, he was all for coming down here and sorting things out, but I thought it best if I got here first … just you and me, and no one else. Open the door, me darlin’. Please!’

  Silence!

  Weary but undeterred, Kathleen went on, ‘It isn’t your fault. Phil Saunders is a dangerous man. He won’t stop till he has you so frightened of him, you will never be able to escape. This is your chance to be rid of him once and for all. Listen to me, Judy. Let Harry take care of you and the child. We love you. Harry has never stopped loving you.’

  Pausing a moment, she listened. ‘I know you can hear me,’ she said. ‘I’m sure I saw you at the window when I came earlier. I’m here to help you, Judy. You must believe that.’

  The silence was unbearable.

  Wiping her two hands over her face, Kathleen murmured, ‘I’m worn out. Me old legs ache, and I’m shivering like a good ’un. You’re in there, I know you are. Why won’t you answer me?’

  Growing angry, she tried again. ‘That’s it! If you won’t let me help, there is nothing I can do. I’ve begged and pleaded, and you just ignore me!’

  The anger subsided. ‘Oh, come on, me darlin’! Please won’t you open the door? Trust me. You know I would never lie to you, or do anything that might hurt you. If you come out now, we’ll go and collect the child, wherever it is. We’ll all go back to my house and when Harry comes home, we’ll decide what to do. We won’t let Saunders get his hands on you again. Sure, neither of us will ever let that happen.’

  For one fleeting moment, she imagined she heard a noise. When the silence fell again, she gave it her last shot. ‘I can hear you in there,’ she said through the letter-box. ‘Judy, be sensible. Let’s go back home to mine, where he will never find you. That’s all I’m asking of you. We won’t let him hurt either of you again. He won’t even know where we are. Oh Judy, please! Why will you not listen to me?’

  The silence deepened. ‘That’s it!’ Kathleen had had enough. ‘I’m away now! Are you listening?’

  Still nothing.

  ‘I’ll be back, lady, make no mistake about it! I intend coming back, tomorrow and the day after, and the day after that – in fact, every day until you open this door! D’ye hear me? I won’t give up. One way or another, I mean to put an end to this situation, once and for all!’

  When the rain started pouring down, and her pleas still drew no response, she bent her head to the letter-box again, ‘I love you,’ she whispered, ‘Harry loves you too. I want you to know that, my darling.’

  Drawing her scarf further over her head, the little Irishwoman put up her coat collar, and went away down the steps.

  Across the road, Nancy remained in her car. She had been there just long enough to hear Kathleen threaten to ‘put an end to this situation once and for all!’

  She had a fleeting suspicion that she had seen the woman before, but focusing on the more important issues, she dismissed the idea. What on earth had Judy done, to make her so angry? She recalled how her father had described Judy as being violent; fighting in the street with a crazy-drunk man.

  She must have done something terrible to make that woman hammer on her door like that, she reasoned. Had she stolen from her? Did she break into her house and threaten her? Did Judy and that crazy-drunk man attack her husband?

  Another horrific possibility rose to mind. ‘My God! What if Judy’s taken to recruiting women and girls into prostitution?’ she breathed. Maybe that woman’s daughter or granddaughter was part of it, and that was why the woman was so desperate. Because of the depths to which Judy had apparently sunk, Nancy thought it was not beyond the realms of possibility.

  She waited a while, watching, wondering.

  After a few minutes her decision was made. ‘It was a mistake to come here,’ she told herself. ‘Dad was right. Judy is the bad apple in the barrel … rotten right through.’

  Having only been there a few minutes with the engine running, she slammed into gear and raced off down the street. ‘I had to try,’ she said aloud. ‘But I won’t try again.’

  Inside the house, Judy remained crouched behind the sitting-room door; she reached for the beer bottle beside her and took a long, deep swig. The liquid helped her forget. It dulled her senses.

  She began to shiver with cold, then she was giggling. ‘He’s won,’ she shouted at the top of her voice. ‘Phil Saunders always wins!’

  She took another swig, then pulled herself up to the letter-box and peeked out. ‘She’s gone away,’ she whispered sadly, as though talking to someone beside her. ‘Kathleen’s gone away.’

&nb
sp; Then followed the heart-breaking sobbing. ‘I couldn’t even tell her,’ she cried brokenly. ‘How could I tell her about the baby? How could I tell her I didn’t have a child?’ She began shouting. ‘THERE IS NO CHILD, KATHLEEN! NO CHILD! IT’S GONE! DID YOU HEAR ME? THE CHILD IS GONE!’

  She rolled herself into the corner, where she curled up into a little nothing, sobbing as though she would never stop. Then suddenly she was quiet; a deathly, awful quiet.

  Steadying herself, she looked around – at the old sofa that still adorned the room, and the curtains, so grim and dusty they shut out the light. The room looked just like she felt. It was cold and empty, dark with sadness. Dead, just like her.

  But she didn’t care. Why should she?

  With a supreme effort, she dragged herself to the bedroom, where she managed to pull herself onto the bed, and there she lay, out to the world, a lost and lonely young woman who carried the weight of the world on her small shoulders.

  Racked with guilt, and plagued by shocking secrets she could never tell, she dared not let anyone else share the burden she carried.

  Walking up the path to her little house, Katheen could not get Judy out of her mind. ‘She was there, I know it,’ she said aloud. ‘Why would she not answer the door?’

  Putting her key in the lock, she had an idea. ‘She has to show herself sometime. Maybe the best thing is to leave it till the afternoon.’ She decided to give it a try; even if it took several days to worm Judy out, it would be more than worth it in the end.

  As she came into the sitting room, the sound of the telephone made her almost leap out of her skin. ‘Blessed thing!’ She had never really got used to it. Gingerly lifting the receiver off its cradle, she asked nervously, ‘Hello. Who is it, please?’

  ‘It’s me.’ Harry’s voice came through. ‘Is everything all right?’

  ‘Oh, Harry! Yes, yes, everything is fine. How lovely to hear your voice.’ She chose not to tell him about her unsuccessful escapade. ‘So, what’s happening?’

  She listened a while longer. ‘Oh, I see. Yes, very well, I’ll see you then. Take care of yourselves and please give Tom a cuddle for me. Bye, love. Drive carefully.’