The Heart of a Girl (The Haven Series)

by Kaitlyn Oruska

  “No I’m not.”

  “No, you are. Most girls in your situation would be so angry and bitter about having to stay at home and take care of a baby all the time while their friends get to go on living their lives like they always did, but not you. You’re so okay with all of this. At first I didn’t really believe it, but now I’m seeing that you mean it when you say you’d rather be here than anywhere else. That makes you truly amazing in my eyes.”

  “It’s not amazing that I want to be a good mom to my daughter. I know firsthand how much it hurts not being number one to the people that are supposed to give you everything. I never want Harper to feel that, not even for a second,” I said with conviction.

  “She won’t,” he promised. “If there’s anything I can promise you, it’s that Harper is always going to know how loved and cared for she is. And that I’ll always take care of you, no matter what.”

  “Maybe someday you won’t have to take care of me,” I said. “I still want to go to college. I’ll probably do it online, but I definitely want a career of my own. By the time I graduate from college Harper will be mostly grown up and in school.” I shook my head, realizing that for the first time. “If I do it traditionally, she’ll be six by the time I graduate. Isn’t that crazy?”

  “Yeah,” Adam agreed. “Know what else is crazy? How much I love you.” He kissed my neck and I squirmed away, laughing.

  “That tickles.”

  “I’m sorry. Come closer and it won’t tickle as much.”

  “Adam…”

  “It’s been a long time, Lainey. At least just try. I don’t know what you’re so scared of.”

  I closed my eyes and rested against his chest. I didn’t know what I was so scared of either. It wasn’t pregnancy, not really. I’d been really good about taking my pills each day at the same time. I knew there was a very slim chance I would get pregnant again as long as we remained careful. It was more than that. It was some sort of unwillingness I felt to get close to him again in that way, to let my guard down.

  “What if Harper starts crying?” I asked. “That’s kind of an awkward situation.”

  “It’s not that awkward. Chances are if she’s crying she just wants to be held and it isn’t a life threatening situation. We can close the door so we can’t hear her too clearly, and she can’t hear us.”

  “No way,” I argued. “What if something’s wrong?”

  “Lainey, calm down.” He sighed, and I could tell he was getting frustrated. “You do realize that normal couples do have sex again eventually after they have a baby, right? You don’t just stop forever or until you want another one.”

  “I do realize that, Adam. I’m not a prude. I just don’t want to and I don’t get why you can’t understand that.” I pulled away from him, feeling his body start to tense up as I did.

  He stood up. “It’s been months. If you don’t want to by now then I guess it’s safe to assume you’re never going to want to.”

  “Why is that all you care about?” I demanded. “We just had a baby, for crying out loud. If nothing else, that should teach you that there’s a lot more to life than just having sex whenever you feel like it.”

  “You’re so dramatic,” he snapped at me and that angry, guarded look was back in his eyes. “I give up, okay? I’m not going to pressure you. If you don’t want me, you don’t have to have me.”

  “Fine. And if sex is all you care about, then maybe you should go find it somewhere else,” I spat back.

  We stared at each other for a few minutes, neither of us speaking for what felt like a really long time. “Is that what you want?” He asked finally. “For me to go find someone else?”

  “If sex is all you care about, then yeah,” I replied, my voice steely enough to hide the shakiness. “I’m sorry that I can’t just forget everything else in my life and calm down enough to meet your every need, so go find someone else who can.”

  “You haven’t been meeting any of my needs as of lately,” he replied, his voice just as cold.

  I felt tears well in my eyes and almost as if on cue, Harper began screaming. I jumped up and hurried towards her nursery, scooping her up and doing the best to comfort her all while trying to calm myself down. I heard Adam’s footsteps in the living room and the sound of a door closing and assumed he’d left. Maybe to find someone new, like I’d told him to.

  “It’s okay,” I whispered to her. “Don’t cry. Mommy and Daddy didn’t mean any of that.” I kissed the top of her head and whispered more things to her, hoping she could understand enough to know that whatever she might have understood from our fight didn’t matter. Even if Adam did leave, and regardless of where he’d went, we’d be okay. Sex was the elephant in the room since Harper was born and I needed to find a way to get over that. I needed to find a way to save us before we were beyond saving.

  I felt Adam come up behind me and nearly shrieked when I felt his arms go around my waist. “I’m sorry,” he whispered in my ear. Harper looked up at him from my arms and smiled as if she’d gotten the answer she was looking for.

  “I’m sorry too,” I said back. “I thought you left.”

  “No, I slammed the door so you’d think that. I’m such an ass sometimes. I’m sorry.”

  I placed Harper back in her crib and turned to him. He put his arms around me and held me close before I could say a word.

  “I love you so much, Lainey. You know that right? No matter what happens, I love you.”

  “I love you too,” I whispered back, and tilted my face up for a kiss. His lips brushed against mine gently at first, then a little harder. I held onto him tightly, pressing our bodies closer together. Maybe the only way I was going to get over whatever was wrong with me was by forcing myself to face it.

  I let Adam lead me across the hallway and into our bedroom and I laid down before he could guide me over to the bed. “Turn out the lights please,” I whispered, and he did so without asking questions. I watched in the new darkness as he pulled his shirt off and climbed over top of me, planting kisses all over my face and throat, lifting my shift up and then kissing my stomach. I cringed but forced myself not to stop him.

  I let him pull all of my clothes off, grateful for the blankets we’d hung over the windows, allowing it to be all the more dark so he couldn’t see me and the way my body had changed. I was scared of him noticing even though I wasn’t sure how noticeable it all really was. I was afraid that one of these days he’d look at me and realize I wasn’t the same girl he’d fallen in love with. That I’d changed and he wouldn’t want me anymore. Maybe that was the root of all this.

  He kissed me as our bodies united and I tried my best not to react when it hurt more than I’d expected it to. Most of it was mental I was sure, but it was hard to enjoy his kisses and his tender touches when all I could think about was how strange this all felt, how different my own body still seemed to me. I worried Harper would wake up again and need me and that I wouldn’t be able to get to her fast enough. I worried that Adam would sense I wasn’t as into this as he was and that he’d grow angry with me. Or worse, that he’d grow even more distant.

  He held me after and whispered how much he loved me over and over again and I whispered his words back to him, hoping I sounded more convincing than I felt. It was over and I’d gotten through it all in one piece. Part of me hadn’t been sure why I’d been so scared of it in the first place, our first intimate moments together since the birth of our daughter nearly three months earlier. Another part of me couldn’t help but feel disappointed over how different it felt. It wasn’t romantic anymore, not the way it was before. Maybe I was just too aware of the consequences that this one simple action could bring.

  Adam fell asleep and I let him, getting out of bed slowly and carefully so he wouldn’t wake up. I slid back into my clothes and left the bedroom as quickly as I could; peeking in the nursery to make sure Harper was still okay. Reassured that she was I went into the bathroom and forced myself to look in the mirror.


  I was still in there, somewhere. My hair had grown longer and was unruly most of the time but it was the same strawberry blonde it had always been and straight, without even a hint of a curl. My eyes were the same sky blue they’d always been, identical to my father’s and brother’s, but didn’t hold the same passion they used to after being with Adam. My skin was slightly flushed but I couldn’t help but feel that was more from embarrassment than pleasure. I splashed cold water on my face, brushed my teeth and got ready for bed. It was early, but my fiancé and daughter were already asleep and my world felt empty without them.

  Tomorrow was a new day and hopefully it held answers to questions I wasn't willing to ask today.

  Chapter 13

  The rest of September flew by and in the blink of an eye it was the first weekend of October.

  Hannah’s father never made it up to Haven, so she was travelling down there for the weekend instead. She was nervous and I did my best to reassure her. They’d spoken on a pretty regular basis since getting in touch a month earlier, so meeting was the next logical step. Her new stepmother had a son a few years younger than us, so it was almost like a family reunion.

  “What if she doesn’t like me?” She fretted as she put more clothes into her bag. The purple streaks in her hair had since faded and she hadn’t gotten around to either covering them or redoing them. This only added to her anxiety.

  “What if she hates my hair and thinks I’m some kind of freak or something?”

  I couldn’t help but laugh at that one. “I don’t think your stepmother is going to be too concerned about what color hair you have. You told me yourself that she seemed really nice on the phone. Why do you think she’s going to turn into the wicked stepmother the second you get off the plane?”

  “I don’t know,” Hannah sighed. “I’m just scared something is going to mess all this up.”

  “Try not to think like that,” I urged. “Everything is going to be great. You’re finally going to meet your dad face to face. I know how long you’ve wanted this, and you deserve it. It’s going to be great.”

  Hannah plopped down on the bed and bit her lip. She didn’t seem convinced and all the encouraging words I could speak probably weren’t going to change that.

  “I wish you could come with me,” she said after a few minutes of quiet.

  “So do I,” I admitted, sitting down next to her and draping my arm over her shoulder. “We’d have fun.”

  “Maybe you can,” she said slowly. “I can call my dad and ask him to wire money for another ticket.”

  “What about Harper?”

  She shrugged. “She can come with us. I think babies fly for free, anyway.”

  “I can’t take her to South Carolina for a weekend. She won’t know what’s going on and I don’t think Adam would want to have both of us away for that long.”

  “Adam’s never even home, Lainey,” she pointed out, and even though she didn’t mean anything by it, it stung because it was true.

  “I’m sorry, Han.”

  She groaned and stood up, gathering some more clothes from her drawers and tossing them into her bag. With the way she was packing you’d think she would be gone for two months instead of just two days.

  “I’ll survive,” she said and flashed me a quick smile to let me know there were no hard feelings. “I just hate doing stuff alone, I guess. Maybe I should find a new boyfriend.”

  “Maybe,” I agreed. “Has the selection at Haven High gotten any better?”

  She rolled her eyes. “Not hardly. It really sucks this year. Even lunch is boring now that Scott has his new girlfriend.”

  I felt my heart skip a beat. “New girlfriend?” I repeated.

  “Yeah, I didn’t tell you? Her name is Emily and she’s… boring. I think you used to know her, she writes for the school paper.”

  “Emily Gibson?” I asked, frowning.

  “Yep, that’s the one.”

  “I remember her.” It was hard to forget her, actually. We worked on the paper together and she never seemed all that fond of me. She disliked me even more after everyone found out I was pregnant and worked hard to convince Ms. Freeman to relieve me of my editorial duties. That never panned out, but I could only assume she was the new editor now that I was gone.

  “She’s boring,” Hannah repeated with emphasis. “But Scott really likes her so there’s nothing I can do about it. Hopefully he’ll get bored of her eventually or she’ll start to hate his truck. Both of those things will probably happen long before I actually find someone.”

  “Scott deserves to be happy,” I said, forcing a smile. “Does he seem happy?” I hadn’t spoken to Scott at all since he’d returned to Haven and was determined not to reveal how much that kind of hurt. We’d been on good terms when he’d left for Georgia at the end of the school year last year and so I’d assumed we’d continue on as friends when he got back. Apparently that wasn’t going to be the case. Not that I could blame him. First I all but rip his heart out by cheating on him the first time we spend a second apart, and then I wind up pregnant a few months later. Scott was a better person than I was for accepting me back as a friend after all that.

  “Yeah I guess so. He asked about you a few times but Emily gets mad whenever you’re brought up so he stopped.” She studied me for a moment. “Don’t be upset that he hasn’t been around, okay? Apparently he and Emily were talking all summer while he was in Georgia, so their relationship kind of started as soon as he got home. That’s why he hasn’t been around. I’m sure he wants to meet Harper, it’s just…”

  She didn’t finish her sentence, but she didn’t need to. I got it. Scott had a new life now with a new girl that he might even love. I’d force myself to be happy for him because that was what he deserved, at the very least.

  “It’s okay,” I said with a smile. “I’ve been too busy for friends anyway.” That was partially true. Between keeping the house from falling apart, caring for Harper and getting all my schoolwork done I really didn’t have all that much time for anything. The little free time I did have was usually spent playing with Harper, sleeping or being with Adam. Things had improved in the past month between us. We weren’t exactly back to where we’d started, but we were closer than we’d been since June.

  I fiddled with my engagement ring. It had gotten looser since I’d lost all of my baby weight and then some. It had fallen off a few times, once a few days ago and I hadn’t even noticed until later that night. I was back to wondering if that were a sign of sorts but did my best to ignore it. I might have believed in the existence of signs briefly during my pregnancy but I was done with that now.

  “Is my dad driving you to the airport?” I asked, hoping to avoid any more talk about my life and past romantic entanglements.

  “Nope, Mason is. I think Michael has some paperwork to do in the office.”

  Poor Mason. I knew that paperwork just meant my dad was locked away in the office reading the newspaper or doodling down some thoughts. He used to fancy himself something of a writer, but it never really panned out into anything.

  It was now more than a month since Mason was supposed to go back to Delaware. He and Cynthia talked daily, sometimes on the phone and other times through webcam, but I knew it wasn’t the same. I could tell by the sadness in Mason’s eyes sometimes that he missed his wife, but for whatever reason he chose to stay behind. He must have some sort of twisted loyalty to our father, something I couldn’t really bring myself to understand.

  Almost as if on cue Mason poked his head through the door. Harper was in his arms, smiling and content. She loved Mason and had a connection with him that she didn’t really have with anyone else other than me. Sometimes I worried she was more attached to him than she was to Adam. Mason was just around more and willing to spend the time he was holding Harper and doing whatever she needed done at the time. Adam worked five days out of the week and tended to choose other things to do besides staying at home and caring for Harper. I couldn’t change that
and there wasn’t much of a point in holding anger towards it. I knew he loved Harper. He probably wouldn’t still be here if he didn’t.

  “About ready to go?” He asked and I walked over to him, taking my daughter and kissing both cheeks excessively. She giggled and squirmed, trying to get away, but I didn’t allow her.

  “I’ll never be ready,” Hannah complained. “I don’t think I even packed anything right.”

  “It all looks okay to me,” Mason said, turning to me with raised eyebrows. “A little excessive but I guess it’s better to have too much than not enough, right?”

  “I don’t know,” she whined. “I think I’m going to cancel.”

  “You can’t, Hannah,” I insisted. “Your dad already paid for the ticket and the plane is leaving in two hours. It’ll be okay.”

  “It will not,” she protested. “You have no idea how scary this is, Lainey.”

  “You’re right,” I agreed. “I didn’t exactly have a choice when my mom showed up. But even though that turned out badly, I don’t regret spending that week with her and you won’t regret spending time with your dad, either.”

  “You don’t think?” She asked, looking skeptical. “What if he turns out to be a real jerk, like my mom always said?”

  “Your mom is the big jerk in just about any situation, last I checked. Don’t worry so much,” Mason cut in, smiling. Hannah smiled back at him, and I could swear I saw stars forming in her eyes.

  “Okay, I think we’d better get all this in the car before you change your mind!” I announced, holding Harper with one arm and grabbing the smallest bag with the other. I led the way out the door, hoping both of them followed.

  The last thing Hannah needed was to develop another crush on Mason. Now that Nora and my dad were almost certainly headed to divorce court and Mason was living very separate lives with his new wife, it seemed almost inevitable. I didn’t know why I hadn’t added this to my list of things to worry about sooner.

  It took twenty minutes to load all of Hannah’s belongings into the car and nearly ten for her to say goodbye to my dad. Things hadn’t really improved between us since our brief conversation when he’d first gotten home and we smiled awkwardly at each other as Hannah threw herself into his arms and practically began to cry.