LOVING ELLIE

by Brookes, Lindsey

  “I thought that once his son was born he’d see things differently, but he didn’t. He became even more spiteful towards me, but that I could handle. I didn’t love him. It was his acting as if our son didn’t exist that hurt the most.”

  “You did the right thing in divorcing him.”

  “If only I hadn’t waited so long. His father’s abandonment has taken its toll on my son. He’s been acting out. That’s why Blaine brought him here today. To help him with some of his anger issues.”

  Ellie knew all about anger issues brought about by abandonment. “Blaine’s a good man,” she said. “He’ll help your son find his way.”

  Victoria nodded. “Enough about me. Is this your first child?”

  “Yes.”

  “Wait until you hold that baby in your arms for the first time,” she said wistfully. “There’s nothing like it.”

  Ellie felt a painful tugging at her heart. “I won’t be experiencing that. I’m giving my baby up for adoption as soon as he’s born.”

  “Oh,” was Victoria’s only response.

  “I know what you must think of me…”

  “You’d be wrong,” the other woman said, cutting her off. “I’m in no position to judge anyone. Especially with the mistakes I’ve made in my past.”

  “And you think I’m making a mistake?”

  Victoria shook her head. “I don’t know your situation to say for sure one way or another. But I do know that I wouldn’t trade my son for the world. He’s my life.”

  Ellie nodded in understanding.

  “Ellie…”

  “Yes?”

  “Make sure this is really what you want because adoption is final.”

  If only this was about what she wanted.

  *

  Victoria watched from the window as Blaine walked his friends out to their Jeep. She had really enjoyed spending time with Ellie, finding her somewhat of a kindred spirit. Unfortunately, the pizza hadn’t agreed with her and Lucas felt the need to get her home despite Ellie’s protests otherwise.

  She had to wonder if Ellie knew how Lucas felt about her. It was so evident in the way he looked at her. The way he saw to her every need. And she’d picked that up from the short time they’d all spent together after the boys were done with target practice. Maybe if she knew it would make a difference in her decision to give her child up.

  Her gaze shifted to her son who had gone outside with the others and was now racing around the front yard with Girl, the effort hopefully expending the rest of his pent up energy. Ever since coming in from the barn he’d been beyond excited, having won the slingshot shooting competition. Whether Blaine and Lucas had let him win or her son had really outshot them she didn’t care. All that mattered to her was the happiness still plastered across his tiny face.

  Blaine stopped on his way back from seeing his friends off to join her son and Girl in their play. The scene brought tears to her eyes. Blaine should have been her son’s father. Not the cold, unfeeling man she’d settled for in her desire to do what was right.

  She quickly swiped the evidence of her tears from her cheeks as Blaine stepped away from the fray and started for the house. The closer he got, the more hesitant his steps and she was pretty certain she knew the reason behind it. It was because she was there. He had succeeded in avoiding any real contact with her that afternoon. And there had been no missing the panic in his eyes when Lucas announced he and Ellie had to cut their visit short.

  He looked up as he stepped up onto the porch and met her gaze through the frosted window pane.

  In a panic of her own, she stepped away from the window to wring her hands nervously in front of her.

  The door opened and Blaine stepped inside.

  She prayed he couldn’t hear her foolish heart pounding.

  “I think your son’s enjoying himself.”

  “I’ve never seen him smile so big,” she said, tears of happiness filling her eyes. “Thank you for that.”

  “You don’t have to thank me,” he said, closing the door behind him. “I enjoyed spending time with J.B.”

  But not her. While that thought shouldn’t hurt, it did. “I…that is we should get going,” she said, crossing the entryway to the bench she’d left her purse lying on. “We’ve taken up enough of your time as it is.”

  A hand settled on her shoulder. “Victoria…”

  Her eyes closed as she drank in the feel of his touch. “Yes?”

  He urged her about to face him and cupped a hand under her chin. “Look at me,” he commanded softly.

  Her eyes fluttered open to meet his heated gaze. No, it couldn’t be heat she saw in his eyes. He hated her. “Don’t say it, Blaine,” she pleaded. “I already know how you feel about me.” She couldn’t bear to hear those words again. I moved on a long time ago.

  “Then you won’t be surprised when I do this,” he said, lowering his mouth to hers.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  Ellie stepped out onto the porch to greet Lucas. He’d gone into town for supplies that morning and she found herself eagerly anticipating this - his return. She knew she was becoming too attached to having him around, but she couldn’t seem to help it.

  She moved down the porch steps and crossed the yard to the side of the barn where he had parked.

  “Miss me?” he teased.

  He had no idea. “How’d it go?”

  “He wasn’t home,” he replied as he dropped the tailgate on the truck he’d purchased a few days before. The Jeep he’d been renting wasn’t the most practical vehicle for hauling feed and other supplies back from town. She tried not to put much stock into his buying the truck. It didn’t mean he would be staying. He had a life in Brazil to return to.

  “At least you tried,” she said. She knew how worried Lucas had been about what he would say to Dusty. A man who at one time had been like a father to him. A man now lost to grief and the alcohol he used to numb it.

  He shrugged as if it didn’t bother him, but she knew better. “Stop worrying your pretty little head over it,” he said, hoisting a large bag of feed over his broad shoulder with impressive ease.

  She grabbed for the two small plastic bags he’d picked up at the hardware store and followed him into the barn.

  After depositing the feed sack on the floor, he turned, his gaze dropping to the plastic bags in her hands. He wasted no time in taking them from her. “No carrying anything.”

  “Don’t be silly. A filled coffee pot is heavier than those are and I carry one of those around all day.”

  “Then maybe your customers need to start serving themselves,” he said as he set his purchases on the floor next to the feed bag. “You need to save your strength.”

  “For what?” she asked.

  “For me,” he answered as he drew her to him and lowered his mouth to hers.

  Slipping her arms around his neck, Ellie kissed him back.

  When the kiss ended, he took a step back and pushed the front of her open coat apart, placing his hands on her swollen stomach.

  Embarrassed, closed her eyes. “I’m huge.”

  “No, you’re beautiful,” he said in a whisper as his hands skimmed lovingly over the flannel shirt she wore.

  “Lucas…”

  Taking her hand, he placed it over her swollen abdomen. “Feel what I feel, Ellie. Feminine flesh rounding more and more every passing day to support the life growing inside you. Nothing is more beautiful than that.”

  His words made her feel like something to be cherished instead of awkwardly huge.

  “Give us a chance,” he whispered against her ear.

  Her eyes snapped open, meeting his gaze. “Don’t do this, Lucas.”

  “Do what, Ellie?”

  “Love me.”

  “Too late,” he said, stepping away. “But, unlike my brother, I’m not willing to settle for halfway. I want all of you, Ellie – heart included.”

  Why was he doing this? “I can’t give you that.”

  Straw cru
nched under his boots as he paced the barn, shaking his head. “I should have high-tailed it out of here the second I found myself falling for you.”

  “Why didn’t you?” she asked, putting up the emotional walls that had protected her all her life. “That seems to be the pattern for everyone else in my life.”

  He stopped pacing to look her way. “Because I’m not everyone else.”

  No, he wasn’t.

  He walked back to where she stood, arms wrapped protectively about herself. “What are you really afraid of, Ellie? Of discovering this crazy notion you have about being genetically incapable of loving or being loved by someone is just that - crazy?”

  “It’s not crazy,” she said. “And you don’t love me, Lucas. You feel obligated because of the baby and-”

  “Obligated?” he said, arching a dark brow. “I’m not even going to respond to that remark.” He leaned down until his face was only mere inches from hers. “I love you, Ellie Sanders, with or without that baby you’re so damned determined to get out of your life. So if anyone’s running away, it’s you.” That said, he turned and walked out of the barn in long, angry strides.

  Ellie sank down onto the bag of feed Lucas had carried in. Was it possible he was right? Was she the one doing the running now?

  *

  Lucas pulled off onto the side of the road and stepped out of the truck. It had been years since he’d been back to the creek where he, Jarrett and Blaine used to sit and fish for hours as boys. It had also been a place of refuge when something troubled him. And today he was troubled.

  He hated that every time he tried to bring Anna’s image to mind Ellie’s intruded. He couldn’t help but feel he was being disloyal to his first love for wanting Ellie the way he did. For loving her.

  He made his way down the snow-covered path until it gave way to what would soon be a grassy bank as spring settled in. Picking up a cold, flat stone, he gave it a toss, skipping it across the icy water. Four hops across it sank, just like his hopes were where Ellie was concerned. Was this how his brother felt when Ellie rejected his love?

  “Something tells me there’s a female behind your being here.”

  Lucas glanced back over his shoulder to find Blaine coming down the sloping ground behind him. Then he turned his attention back to the water. “It was either come here or give in to the urge to paddle some sense into Ellie’s behind. And since I don’t believe in laying a hand on a woman the creek won out.”

  “Glad to hear it,” Blaine said as he moved to stand beside him. “Want to talk about it?”

  Did he? Lucas frowned.

  “What’s she done to push you to the edge?”

  “What she’s done since the first day I met her. Being her usual stubborn self. Everything Ellie wants is right there in front of her for the taking, but she refuses to see it. And nothing I say seems to make a difference.”

  “Women don’t always take the shortest route to get to where they need to be. Maybe she just needs a little more time.”

  “How much more?” Lucas demanded in frustration. “Ten years?”

  “If that’s what it takes,” his friend replied evenly.

  “I didn’t mean that.” Lucas’s head dropped down with a sigh.

  A hand clapped over his shoulder. “Hang in there, buddy. Ellie might be digging in her heels, but there’s no denying she cares about you. I’ve seen the way she is around you. Seen how her eyes light up when she talks about you at the coffee shop.”

  That got his attention. “She talks about me?”

  Blaine nodded. “Until I want to spew my breakfast.”

  Lucas grinned. “That much, huh?”

  “Close to. And I’m not the only one who knows how Ellie feels about you. Victoria even commented on it. Seems those two bonded while the rest of us were out target shooting that day.”

  “It’s good to know I’m not crazy.”

  “How so?”

  “My gut tells me Ellie cares for me, but her actions at times leave me wondering.”

  “Rest assured you aren’t imaging things. There’s definitely something there.”

  Lucas sighed. “I only hope she comes to her senses before it’s too late?”

  “Too late, meaning before she gives the baby up?”

  “I love her, Blaine, but I’m not sure I could live with that. I’ve done everything I can to keep her from making a final decision on adoptive parents, but there are only so many things I can find wrong with people who actually have no faults. Sooner or later, Ellie’s going to catch on.”

  Blaine nodded in agreement.

  “I don’t want to lose the only blood tie I have left with my family. I can’t.”

  “Sounds to me like you have some decisions of your own to make.”

  He supposed he did. Like Ellie was so often saying – time was running out. “Why does life have to be so damn complicated?”

  “You ever come up with the answer to that one be sure and let me know.”

  “Speaking of complicated,” Lucas said. “How’s Victoria?”

  His friend smiled. One of those sappy, head-over-heels-in-love kind of smiles that said more than words ever could.

  “She’s good.” He bent to pick up a stone and tossed it across the water as Lucas had. “She found a place in town to buy. Half a block from my office.”

  “No wonder you’re so happy,” Lucas said with a grin. “Do I need to guess where you’ll be spending all your lunch breaks?” Somehow the two had worked their way back from a very painful past to the start of a new relationship. He couldn’t help but be happy for them, even if his own love life was in a state of perpetual chaos.

  *

  Ellie stepped out of the house and crossed the porch to stand at the railing. It was a beautiful, sunny morning. Hues of gold and purple wove their way through the distant snow-covered mountain peaks. The air was surprisingly warm despite the forecast for snow predicted for the next day.

  She closed her eyes and lifted her face toward the sun, basking in its warmth.

  “I don’t know what’s prettier, you or the sunrise.”

  She turned to find Lucas standing in the open doorway watching her, a steaming cup of coffee in his hand. She smiled, thankful that he’d gotten past being angry with her. “Have you always been such a smooth talker, or is that a skill you perfected later in life?”

  He put a hand to his heart. “Ah, Ellie, you wound me.”

  She gave a derisive snort and turned her attention back to the breathtaking view.

  He joined her at the rail, his gaze centered on the distant mountains. “I have to leave for a while.”

  It was her day off, so she hadn’t changed out of her nightshirt and robe yet, but she could be ready to go in a few minutes if need be.

  She turned to look at him. “Just give me a few minutes to get dressed and I’ll run into town with you.”

  “I’m not talking about going into town.”

  “Then what are you talking about?” she asked, unable to ignore the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach.

  “I have to go back to South America.”

  Her heart sank. So much for his never abandoning her. “You’re going back?”

  “There are some business matters that need to be taken care of - in person. Then I’ll be coming back home.”

  Relief swept through her. Then what he’d said sank in. Home? Did Lucas even realize he’d said that?

  “When are you going?” she asked, dreading the thought of being alone again, even if it were only for a short time.

  “Tomorrow.”

  She gasped softly. “That soon?”

  “I thought we’d have chosen a couple for the adoption by now, but I can’t put this trip off any longer.”

  That reminder brought a frown to her face. Their search for adoptive parents that they both agreed on had met with no success. She sighed softly. “Maybe there is no such thing as perfect parents out there. I’ll have to keep that in mind with the next pack
et of adoptive couples Greg sends over.”

  His gaze locked with hers. “You can’t settle for anything less than your son deserves. Promise me you won’t make any decisions until I return.”

  “Lucas, I’m running out of time.” And the further into her pregnancy she got, the harder it was to even think about giving her son up.

  “I’ll only be gone a week at the most. Promise me, Ellie.”

  A week she didn’t have to spare, but Lucas had been there for her. How could she say no to his request? Especially after she had promised to let him be a part of the choosing.

  “I’ll wait.”

  His worried expression eased into a smile. “Thank you. Now I want your word that you’ll behave yourself while I’m away. No overdoing it.”

  “And who’s going to tell on me if I don’t?” she asked with an impish grin.

  “Blaine.”

  “What?”

  “I’ve asked him to keep an eye on you while I’m away and see to things here at the ranch.”

  “You had no right to-”

  “That baby you’re carrying gives me the right,” he said, cutting her off.

  She let out a frustrated groan. “You’re like an overbearing mother hen only with really big muscles.”

  He chuckled.

  “Seriously, Lucas, I think I could have handled things around here on my own for a week or so.”

  He reached out to run a finger along her cheek in a tender caress. “Humor me, Ellie. I need to know that you and the baby are safe.”

  She wanted to tell him she didn’t need a ‘babysitter’, but she understood his need to know they were cared for. “Fine,” she conceded. “I promise to be good.”

  “Thatta girl.”

  “Lucas…”

  “Yeah?” he replied as he took a sip of his coffee.

  “If you change your mind about coming back… Well, I want you to know that I’ll understand. I know it hasn’t been easy for you being here again.”

  His gaze locked with hers. “I have every intention of coming back. Besides,” he added with a grin, “what man in his right mind would pass up the chance to watch you try and milk Flo every morning?”

  She gave him a playful jab in the ribs. “I’m beginning to think you have a thing for milkmaids.”