Torn to Pieces

by Harper Ashley

  Chapter Fifteen

  "Alec?" My voice is barely above a whisper but it seems to echo down here. The lights are off, and I immediately trip over something on his floor. "Dammit."

  The lamp on his bedside table turns on. He looks disheveled, upset. His lip is swollen and I can see the faint beginnings of a black eye. "Jesus, are you okay?"

  I want to touch him, touch his face... be here for him. I'm afraid to though. I am afraid that I don't know what his reaction will be, I don't even know if he wants me down here.

  "I'm fine." His response is clipped.

  I run through a few different scenarios in my mind and try to figure out the right words to say.

  "Jo?"

  I look up at him and his eyes seem so conflicted.

  "Yes?"

  He holds up his hand, and when I take it he pulls me onto the bed with him. It’s too intimate which only confuses me more. I let my head settle onto his chest, and the sound of his heartbeat instantly relaxes me.

  "Why did you do that?" I ask him quietly.

  He waits a few seconds before answering, "I don't know."

  "You don't know why you started a fight with your best friend or why you pulled me into bed with you?" I press, praying that he doesn't flip the switch and turn cold again.

  "No, I don't know why."

  I don't believe that, but I’m scared if I keep pushing him he’ll just shut me out.

  "Okay." I concede.

  We lay there in silence for a while, neither of us daring to be the first to speak again. His chest rising and falling underneath me is intoxicating, and I know that if I don't leave soon I'll fall asleep here in his bed.

  "I need to go."

  His grip on me tightens. "Don't."

  These simple sentences and one word responses are driving me insane. I tilt my head up to face him, "Alec, talk to me. What was that out there?"

  His jaw tenses. I know he doesn't want to do this, he doesn't want to talk. I need him to though, I need him to let me in. I need to understand what’s happening between us. "Please?"

  "You are exhausting." He finally says, and I can't help the small giggle that escapes my lips.

  "Me? Seriously?"

  He shifts, "Yes, you." His thumb begins to trace my bottom lip. "You’re driving me mad."

  He had to know that the feeling is mutual. This thing, whatever the hell it is... is driving me mad too. "Alec, what are we doing? There’s no scenario where this ends well, for either of us."

  Rolling away from me he stares at the ceiling. "I know that. I don't know why I can't stay away from you. I planned on hating you, making you miserable." A small smirk appears on his face, "...clearly that isn't working out so well for me."

  I let out another giggle, "Can't say I'm upset you've abandoned the plan to make my life a living hell."

  Hearing him admit that he planned on running me off, brings Allie's warning from earlier back into my mind. "I need to ask you something, and I need for you to be honest. Okay?"

  Alec nods.

  "Are you- fuck I don't know how to say this." I take a deep breath and try again. "You aren't using me to get to our parents, right? This isn't some Hail Mary to have the wedding cancelled?"

  He sits up and locks his eyes on mine. "What?"

  God, he's mad. "I know you don't want your dad to marry my mom, and I also know that a scandal between their children could ruin him. In his line of work reputation is everything... it may even be enough to make him cancel the wedding to avoid the risk."

  Alec seems shocked that I've put so much thought into this. I decide to leave out his sister's involvement in planting the seeds.

  "I just- I don't know what's happening but it feels like it could be something big. It feels different than any other relationship I've been in. I need to know if this is real." I suck in a breath and await his response, which seems like it takes hours to come.

  His fingers rake through his dark hair as he stares at me through narrowed eyes. "Relationship?"

  "Fuck, Alec. I say all that and the only thing you hear is that word? Jesus. Relationships aren't kryptonite, the word can't hurt you." Frustration pulses through me and I just want to shake this beautifully broken man. "Yes, relationship. The connection between two concepts… objects... people."

  "Jo," he breathes out my name and I know that I’d give anything to hear him keep saying it. "I don't want them to get married, you’re right about that. I haven't hid that from you or anyone else. I planned on hating you... avoiding you. Isolating you so that you felt alone here. I never planned on wanting you. Wanting you so bad that I can't control myself. You've gotten under my skin and I can't shake it. You confuse me, infuriate me, and make me crazy."

  I suck in a sharp breath.

  "You challenge me, tease me... make me want you without even trying. I’ve never met a girl like you. I’ve spent every second since you've arrived counting the reasons we can't do this, why I can't do this with you."

  I meet his hard gaze, "Tell me."

  "What?"

  "Tell me the reasons... maybe it’ll help me walk out of this room. Tell me all of the reasons we can't do this. Convince me to leave right now and not look back." I try to feign conviction with my voice, but it's so hard.

  His face looks pained, like saying these things out loud is physically painful.

  "We are about to be step-siblings. Your mother is marrying my father, and I don't think that there is anything we can do to change that. I'm older... not by much, but you are still in high school. I've graduated, work full-time, and have already lived a harder life than most. You are young and haven't experienced anything of the world."

  I want to object, but I need him to keep talking. I need to hear this.

  "We would have to lie to everyone, no one could ever know. This- what’s happening now? It would always be like this. Secret meetings when everyone is asleep, sneaking around behind the backs of everyone you care about. A sinful and corrupt affair that nobody else would understand. Fuck, even if we weren't about to be related by marriage they would never approve. Look at me, and look at you. I have a reputation that follows me around like a second shadow, I've done horrible things. You? You are-"

  "I'm no angel, Alec." I try to touch his face but he pulls away.

  "It doesn't matter if you aren't an angel, I'm still the tattooed bad-boy devil that no mother wants to see walk through the door on her daughter's arm."

  I know he’s right about that part. There’s no way our families would approve of us together, especially not my mother.

  "The biggest reason is that I know at the end of this you’ll hate me, and to be honest, I don't think I could handle that. It's crazy, before you came all I wanted was for you to hate me- to despise me. And now? I think if you actually hated me it would break me. I didn't think there was anything left to break, but if there is...that would do it."

  Why would I hate him?

  I grab his hand, and this time he allows it. "Alec, why do you think I would hate you?"

  His hand finds my cheek and I close my eyes, internally swooning over his touch.

  "Because of this." He says quietly.

  I open my eyes and furrow my brows in confusion, "I don't understand."

  "You crave something that I am not capable of giving. I can touch you, kiss you, fuck you to your heart's desire, but I will never love you. Not the way you want me to. I don't think I have that inside me to give. You are going to want more from me, and when I can't live up to those expectations you’ll hate me for it. When I disappoint you... I just-"

  I silence him with my lips, lacing my fingers together behind his neck. He tries to fight it, but can't. His lips open for me and the kiss deepens. When we pull apart, foreheads pressed together I can sense the confused look on his face.

  "Alec, you don't give yourself enough credit. You've convinced yourself that you are a shell of a man, but that is so far from the truth. You feel, and you feel deeply. That's why you moved back home t
o take care of your mom and sister, and also why you are so mad at your father. After that night in the boat house you lied to our parents for me, told them that the Jeep's battery died so I wouldn't have to answer any uncomfortable questions. You did that because you care. My birthday... that gesture was incredible. Loveless men don't do things like that. And that fight with Nate? You were jealous... because seeing him with me drove you mad. It's because you care about me."

  I take a deep breath before finishing, "And what you just said to me? About not wanting to do this because you think I will end up hating you? The fact that disappointing and hurting me affects you in such a profound way- it proves that you are more than capable of giving love."

  Alec looks at me, wonder in his eyes. He looks so much younger in this moment than he ever has before.

  "I don't think you truly believe that you aren't capable of giving love, I think the problem is that you don't think you deserve that same love in return."

  I press my lips to his cheek, and then relax into his hard body.

  "But you couldn't be more wrong, Alec Miller."

  Chapter Sixteen

  The next few days have been a blur. Stealing kisses when no one is around and sneaking about when everyone’s asleep... it's exhilarating. Knowing that at any moment we could be found out makes each encounter dangerous and explosive. Alec's black eye is almost healed, but each night I press my lips to the bruises and kiss them away. I've avoided Nate and dodged all of Allie's questions that have anything to do with the incident that day by the dock. She's been so consumed with texting and FaceTiming Drake to bother with it too much, which is a blessing in disguise for Alec and I.

  As happy as I am for them, I can't help but feel the tiniest twinge of envy when Allie talks about how incredible he is or shares their plans for the next time he comes to visit. It has nothing to do with wanting him for myself, but the simple fact is, that they don't have to hide their relationship. They can talk on the phone, plan dates, and post pictures publicly without the fear of any backlash. Us? That’s a big negative ghost-rider. If anyone found out about me doing the Pink Panther walk down to Alec's room every night, they would have nothing positive to say, and that’s putting it mildly.

  "Josephine, we need to go! I can't miss my fitting, sweetie!" My mother yells from downstairs as I take in my reflection in the mirror one last time. I've opted for a pair of white high-waisted shorts and a light grey knotted tee. Its casual, but still stylish.

  "Coming, Mom!" I call back to her and slip on my white tennis shoes. We're headed downtown for her final wedding dress fitting. The big day is fast approaching and planning has been thrown into overdrive. Today it’ll just be us, and to be honest I'm looking forward to spending some quality time with her. We've both been so caught up in our own lives since moving here that there hasn't been much one-on-one interaction. It’s been just me and her for the longest time, it feels foreign that we've drifted so far in such a short time frame.

  "Are you excited to see the final result?" I ask her, and her smile is endearing.

  "Excited, yes... but also so nervous. I’ve been terrified that all this stress-eating is going to catch up to me and the back won't zip. I think I've had that nightmare three times this week."

  I can't help but laugh. My mother is beautiful, and has had a small frame for as long as I can remember. She could stand to put on a few pounds, and even then she would still have a body that women her age pay lots of money for.

  "Mom, you're hot. You’re going to knock everyone's socks off when you walk down the aisle, especially Sean." I clasp my hand around hers and she gives it a squeeze.

  I can tell by the slight reddening of her cheeks, that she appreciates the boost of confidence. "Thank you, I needed that."

  At the bridal boutique, the sales associate leads my mother into a curtained off dressing room and helps her into the dress. I’m seated on a plush bench and pick at my cuticles as I wait for the big unveiling. When the associate comes out of the dressing room, she’s beaming. "Just wait until you see her, it's perfect."

  The curtain opens and when she steps out I can't stifle the sudden surge of emotion that washes over me like a tidal wave. "Oh my God, mom. You look amazing."

  The dress is fitted to her body all the way down to her calves where it begins to fan out, creating the perfect mermaid silhouette. The associate has also pinned up Mom's hair and clipped in a simple yet elegant veil that drapes over her shoulders. The lace overlay is classically southern, and I wonder if our new home had anything to do with that stylistic choice. There’s the smallest amount of beading around the sweetheart neckline, and then again towards the bottom interwoven with the mermaid tail hemline.

  "Seriously, Mom. It's incredible. You’re glowing." I manage to say, and she's crying while taking in the scene in the large mirror.

  "I'm so happy, Josephine. So very happy. This new life here... It's everything I could have dreamed of and more."

  Great. Now on top of the blubbering caused by how beautiful my mom looks in her dress, there’s now added tears from the guilt I feel for sneaking around with Alec.

  Nope. Do not feel guilty. You aren't doing anything wrong. You are simply exploring your feelings for him in private because the circumstances are less than ideal. They wouldn't understand... no one will understand.

  ∞∞∞

  When we arrive back home I run up the stairs taking them two at a time, eager to plug in my phone that has been dead now for over an hour. I was texting Alec when it died and apparently my mother is the one human on the planet who doesn't keep a charger in her car. When I close the door behind me and turn around, I immediately let out a gasp and jump backwards.

  "Jesus, what the hell are you doing in here?" I bark out somewhere in between a yell and a whisper.

  He smirks and shrugs one of his shoulders, "You didn't respond and I didn't know when you'd be back. I'm heading out for the night but wanted to see you before I left."

  Oh. A smile tugs at my lips.

  "My phone died and mom didn't have a charger. Where are you off to?" I ask, trying not to sound too needy.

  Alec grabs for my hand and pulls me into his lap. "Guy's night, nothing special. I’ll probably crash there though." He nuzzles his face into my neck and begins to strategically place kisses in all of the places that make my body go weak and my breath go ragged.

  "Crash there?" I say and instantly wish the words would have stayed inside my brain. It's obvious that I am disappointed and don't want him to leave.

  He pulls away and examines my face clearly looking for some explanation as to why I am being weird all the sudden, "Yeah? I don't want to drive after drinking all night."

  I force a smile and nod as if it all makes sense now. "Of course. Well, have a good time. Don't get into too much trouble."

  His face softens again and the little smirk is back. "Nah, it’ll be a chill night. Plus, I'm sure it’ll be hard to have too much fun when I think of you being here in this big bed all alone."

  He always does this... turns every conversation into a flirty innuendo that leads to a steamy make-out session. The only difference is that right now it's still daylight... and our families are just down the stairs. It would be so easy for someone to walk in right now- to catch us in the act. My eyes dart towards the door and as if he reads my mind he lets out an exasperated sigh.

  "Yeah yeah, bad idea. I know."

  I place a palm against his cheek and kiss him before rising from his lap, putting the necessary space between us.

  He stalks towards the door and grabs the knob before turning back to face me, "I'll miss you tonight." He says with a wink, and then he's gone. I sink into the bed and let out an audible groan.

  I remember my dead as a doornail phone and roll over to plug it in. When it comes back to life a few notifications begin to buzz against the nightstand.

  A text from Veronica catches me off guard, and I slide to unlock my phone. I haven't seen her since the incident a few nigh
ts ago.

  V: Girl's night. You in?

  Well, that's certainly interesting.

  Jo: What do you have planned?

  The three dots signifying she is typing pop up immediately.

  V: I'm thinking the docks. The guys are at a party tonight and decided none of the girls were invited, some bullshit about needing some man-time.

  I laugh remembering how Alec tried to play it off as a chill night with the guys.

  V: If they want to ditch us for God knows what, we should do the same. ;)

  Okay, this is tempting. I look at my bed and then back to the phone. Do I want to stay in? If I stay in, will I think about Alec all night and wish he was downstairs waiting on me to sneak into his bed when everyone is asleep? Or will I go full-blown crazy pants and worry that he is with another girl?

  V: Don't overthink it, Carpe that Diem girl.

  Okay, can she read my mind?

  Jo: I'm in.

  Carpe fucking Diem.

  Chapter Seventeen

  In thirty minutes, I’ve fully transformed myself into a new person. My hair is pulled into a high power-ponytail and my makeup is on the darker side. I'm rocking a tight pair of denim skinny jeans and a black crop top that hits at the perfect spot, showing just the right amount of skin. I slide on an army green bomber jacket for now, deciding against giving the family downstairs a complete heart attack when I walk out the door. I look hot, and that isn't a compliment I often give to myself.

  My phone buzzes.

  V: Here.

  Alright, it's game time.

  I pull on my docs and head down the stairs, calling out to Mom that I am going out with a friend.

  "A friend? Who?" She asks as she turns the corner.

  "Her name is Veronica, she's going to be a senior with me this year." I answer, pulling the jacket around my midriff.

  "Oh! You've made a girlfriend! That's great. What time will you be home?"

  Good question...

  "I'm not really sure. We're having a girl's night, so whatever normally happens there will determine that." I laugh awkwardly, and mom gives me a reassuring smile. She knows I've never really had girlfriends before, and I know she’s happy that I'm getting to experience it now.