"This has nothing to do with you." Alec said plainly.
"How can you expect me to believe that?" Sean countered.
"I don't care what you believe." He spit out.
My mother advanced toward me but Alec didn't budge. "Honey, you aren't- you aren't having a relationship with him are you?"
Her tone was even, but I knew she was barely holding it together.
"Of course they are, look at them!" Sean yelled. "Why was she crying? What were you apologizing for? Did he hurt you Josephine?"
All of the air had been pulled from the room and I couldn't breathe.
"N-No." I managed.
"Did you really just ask if I fucking hurt her?" Alec boomed.
This is getting out of hand, quickly.
My mother wraps her hand around my wrist and begins to gently pull me towards the door.
"Let's give them some space, I think they need to talk."
This is the last thing I want to do. I can’t leave Alec to deal with Sean's anger alone.
Alec seems to agree with her though. "Jo, go with her. It's fine."
I shake my head, "No, I need to stay-"
His eyes plead with me to listen. "Please, let me handle this."
I allowed my mother to lead me into the living room and towards the door. Their shouts begin to sound muffled the farther we got from the kitchen. I hear fragments of what’s being said and my heart is slowly breaking.
"Took advantage of."
"A child."
"Ruined everything."
"Fucking disappointment."
I try to turn around, but my mother pulls me out the door.
"He didn't take advantage of me, I have to tell Sean the truth. Please mom."
My mother had tears in her eyes. "How could you do this, Josephine? He's your step brother. We're supposed to be a family. This is- This is wrong."
"No, we met before. I had no clue who he was. I didn't know, I swear. We tried to stop it, to end things but we couldn't." I try to explain everything to her, but she just continues to shake her head in disbelief.
The sound of a slamming door takes my attention away from my mother, and the sound of tires peeling out of the driveway causes me to dart back inside.
Sean's face is buried in his hands as he sits at the bar.
"Where did he go?" I ask, but Sean doesn’t look up.
"Sean?" My mother's quiet voice got through to him.
"He left, and I doubt he's coming back." His gaze met mine, "I don't know what to say, Josephine. I don't understand how this happened."
"You have to call him, you have to tell him to come home. We can figure this out." I plead with him.
"I think its best he stay away for a while." Sean says in a low, flat voice. "Kathleen, I imagine you'll understand the need to delay our flight."
"Of course." My mother replies as she goes to her husband's side and caresses his back.
What just happened? How had everything gone from zero to one hundred in sixty seconds? My lungs constrict and my heart is pounding. Where do we go from here?
Chapter Twenty-Six
Two days. Forty-eight hours. Two thousand eight hundred and eighty minutes.
That's how long it had been since everything blew up around me.
I'd refused to leave my bedroom. I felt like a ghost, a shell of myself just floating around waiting for the next explosion. I couldn't face my mother or Sean. Their eyes were filled with things that I wasn't used to, disappointment.
I could hear them arguing every so often. Sean would yell and my mother would cry. The blame was so clearly being thrust on Alec. They viewed me as the victim in some sick game, that I had been so easily manipulated by the bad boy. With every word said against him my patience wore thinner. The whirlpool of emotions swirling within me was bubbling to the surface, and it wouldn't stay contained much longer.
His phone hadn't turned on once since he left. I know this because I'd called it a hundred times. It never rang, only sending me straight to voicemail.
"Please just call me, we need to figure this out." I would plead into the phone.
I could understand their reaction initially, but fuck at some point this had to stop. I am not a child for God's sake. We're consenting adults, and even though the circumstances surrounding our relationship are shit... it doesn't change anything.
Allie crawls into my bed and settles underneath the comforter with me.
"Hey." She says quietly.
"Hey."
She must’ve seen the question forming on the tip of my tongue. "I haven't heard from him."
I grit my teeth and nod.
"They can't be angry forever. This will blow over, and we can-"
I stop her. "We can what? Go back to normal? What the hell is normal about this?"
She says nothing. I should feel bad about snapping at her, but instead I’m numb.
"I need to talk to them. I need for them to understand that this isn't what they think it is. Hell, it may have started as something dirty and wrong... but not anymore. It's real."
Allie pulls me into her, "I just don't think you should be the only one fighting this battle, Jo. I don't understand why he left. How could he leave you here to deal with this on your own?"
I considered this for a moment, but only for a moment.
"The night we first talked about where this was going, about what we wanted- he was holding back. I could feel that he cared for me, but he fought it so hard. Do you know why?"
She shook her head.
"He was scared of disappointing me. He thinks he's broken. Damaged goods. He truly believes that he doesn't deserve to have someone care for him the way that I do. He was so sure that in the end he would end up disappointing me and that I would hate him. He said if I ever hated him it would finish off whatever was left of his ability to care."
Allie looks pained.
"I heard your dad tell him he was a fucking disappointment before my Mother pulled me outside. It must have triggered something inside him. After everything he's done, after everything he's been through-"
My face begins to heat up and a lump forms at the back of my throat.
"You really care about him don't you?" She asks in a hushed tone.
"You're damn right I do."
"He's lucky to have someone like you in his corner. You seem to only see the good." The look of realization and acceptance flashes on her face.
"I see the dark, I just know that there is more to him than his demons. You don't go through what he did without getting a little fucked up. He stepped up when your father stepped back, Allie."
The tears streaming down Allie's cheeks mirror my own.
"In fact, I think I'll tell him that myself."
There’s a newfound strength radiating inside me, and I need to act on it before I lose my nerve.
I find them in the den, seated next to one another on the sofa watching 20/20.
"I need to talk, and I need you to listen. Both of you."
"Josephine-" My mother begins, but I shake my head.
"Please, just listen. Hear me out, and then I’ll do the same."
They both nod in reluctant agreement.
"My first night here I went to Shooter's, there I met a guy who I instantly connected with. Imagine my surprise when I discovered this guy was your son." I maintained eye contact with Sean as I spoke.
"What began as an undeniable spark became animosity. Alec was so against the idea of my mother and I being here, and he made it pretty fucking hard to think of him as a decent human being. Slowly, ever so slowly... I was able to chip away at those walls bit by bit. And that spark from the first night? It never went away. We tried to fight it. Why would we want this?"
Shocked they were still remaining silent, I continued.
"Why would any two people want to end up in this situation? I sure as hell never wanted this. To burn so intensely for someone and be forced to stay quiet about it is nothing other than pure punishment."
&nb
sp; The sadness is gone. It’d been replaced with anger, and a need to defend the person I cared about.
"He's broken, you know? He tries to hide it with the tattoos and give no fucks attitude, but it's an act. What happened with his mother shattered him."
Sean looks as if I'd slapped him. "And you think her death didn't affect me or Allie? You don't see us acting out! I lost my wife, Josephine. The mother of my children."
There’s no way he was this clueless. There’s no way he didn't see what he'd put his son through.
"I get that, I do. You need to understand something, but you aren't going to like it." I take a deep breath.
"Where were you?" I ask.
"Excuse me?" He responds, clearly agitated.
"When she was dying, where were you? I know where Alec was, but where were you?"
His jaw clenches.
"You weren't here. You threw yourself into work because you couldn't stand to watch what was happening to the woman you loved. I can't begin to imply that I know what that must have been like, but I can imagine it was excruciating. We all handle grief differently, and in this case you chose to distance yourself from it. But Alec? He didn't get that choice. Allie was here alone with her dying mother during some of the most trying times in a young girl's life. Her only other parent was basically MIA, so he dropped everything and moved back home. He became his mother's caregiver. In the end, she looked to him for support. You had your reasons, but the hard truth to swallow is you abandoned your family when they needed you."
More silence.
"He isn't perfect, in fact he's far from it. But what he is- is a boy who stepped up when you couldn't. He feels like he wasn't enough to save her though. It created a complex within him that he now battles daily. He watched her wait for her husband to come home, and he watched her wither away. It shouldn't have been Alec that sat by her death bed. It shouldn't have been him who had to move home to take care of his little sister because her mother was bed ridden and her father couldn't handle it. He did it for his family, only to be called a fucking disappointment by the one person who let him down the most."
I watch Sean's eyes and see the exact moment when his anger fades to heartbreak. My mother's gaze is averted, undoubtedly trying to keep from sobbing.
"I- I made so many mistakes." Sean whispers. "I didn't realize-"
He stands from the sofa and begins to pace. "I couldn't bear to see her like that. Don't you think I regret it every single day? That I wasn't there for her? That I wasn't there for them?"
"Have you ever told him that?" I ask plainly.
The look on his face says no.
There’s another long stretch of silence.
"I promised I would hear you out if you let me speak, so I will." I offer.
"I think that's enough for one evening." My mother says quietly.
I nod and begin to walk back towards the stairs.
"Josephine," Sean calls out, and I stop. "I need you to know I don't think of him that way. I love my son, he could never be a disappointment."
I appreciate the sentiment, but it’s time for action. No more empty words.
"He needs to hear that, not me." I turn and make my way up to my room.
Relief. A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Whatever happens next, at least I know I'd done everything I could. The ball is in their court now, but I can’t help but feel hopeful that this could be the first step towards healing for Alec and his father.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
I tried not to let the excitement of knowing he would be under the same roof as me at any moment completely overwhelm me. He’s finally coming home to talk to his father, a conversation that’s bound to be more emotionally charged than either man is prepared for. I found myself hoping that my outburst would spark something in Sean, and that he would finally give his son the apology he deserved.
I also hoped that Alec would hear him out, and that the two could have a productive talk where both sides got to get everything off their chest.
It's been almost a week since I've seen him, and if anyone gets near me the pounding in my chest will give away just how close I am to losing all the composure I'd managed to muster.
"Josephine," my mother says in a soft voice, placing her palm against my back. "I think we should get out of the house for a few hours, let them talk alone without any distractions."
Not fucking happening.
"I'm not going anywhere." I say, standing firm in my position by the front door.
She sighs, but doesn't push me. She likely knew before even suggesting it that I wouldn't budge.
When Alec's car pulls into the driveway, my heart tightens in my chest.
He's wearing those black skinny jeans that I love so much, the ones with the rips at the knees. The solid black T-shirt completes his bleak ensemble, and the solemn expression on his face makes it look more like he's about to walk into a funeral home than the place he's lived for all these years.
Our eyes meet, and I try to manage a small smile. He doesn't return it, instead furrows his brows and bites his lip.
"I've missed you." I say to him in the softest voice I can once I know for sure no one else can hear me.
"Me too." He says. "Sorry for being MIA. Everything just got so fucked up and I needed to figure out what to do next."
I want to tell him how pissed I am that he left me here to deal with this mess alone, but I don't. Instead, I shrug and lace my fingers through his.
"I know why you had to go, it's okay." The forgiveness in my words seems to relax him a bit, which in turn relaxes me.
He gives my hand a light squeeze, and the reassurance I feel from the small gesture is monumental.
"Are you ready for this?" I ask.
"Nope, but what choice do I have?" He replies quickly. "Anyways, I'll find you afterwards so we can talk. I want to get this shit over with."
The sudden loss of his touch as he releases my hand makes me ache, but I know he needs to do this. I watch as he disappears into his father's study and closes the door behind him.
∞∞∞
It's quiet in there, too quiet. I fully expected to hear screaming, maybe even the sound of a decorative vase being thrown at the wall.
Okay, maybe that's a bit dramatic, but even still... it seems much too calm. It reminds me of the way the skies quiet just before a tornado strikes, taking everything down in it's path.
After about an hour I retreat to my bedroom. There is no telling how much longer they will be in there, but I can't stand to just sit on the couch and twiddle my thumbs any more.
The sound of the door knob turning causes me to jump up from the bed, and I all but tackle Alec to the ground once he enters the room.
"Are you okay? What happened? He apologized, right? I told him that-" The word vomit spilling from my lips is halted when he interrupts me.
"Hey, calm down. It went okay, surprisingly. We both had a lot to say to each other, but I guess I'm okay with where we ended things for now." His tone is off, which makes what he is saying seem unconvincing.
I take a step back, "Then why do you sound just as upset now as you were before the talk?"
I can see something swirling behind those green eyes, and I get a queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach.
"Jo, I'm still not staying. I shouldn't have stayed this long. I came home for a reason, but that reason is gone. I should have moved out after my mom died."
Leaving? I try to process his words.
"Okay, so you're moving out. That isn't the worst thing that could happen. I mean, we can make it work." I say, trying to keep a glimmer of positivity through this shit storm we are weathering.
"I've made life hell for my dad. I blamed so much on him, and held so much resentment that I wasn't able to get past my own pain long enough to see that he was hurting too. He fucked up, but so did I." He shoves his hands into his pockets and rocks back and forth on his heels. "This- this thing we have, it isn't good for anyone.
I was selfish, so goddamn selfish to do this."
No. Not this shit again.
"Please stop, okay? We already knew that this wouldn't be easy, that it would be hard for people to accept. I thought we'd gotten past that?" I try to keep my voice from shaking, but it's useless.
"What about our parents? You can't look me in the eyes and say it isn't selfish to put whatever this is before their fucking marriage? They're married. That isn't going to change. This... we don't even know what we're doing. You're still so young, and I- well I don't even know if I'm capable of giving you what you need. What you deserve." He reaches for me but I pull away.
"Are you kidding me? Would you stop this self-deprecating bullshit for one second? You can't just push me away because your scared of what could happen. I know you don't actually want to end this, I know your feelings haven't changed after one conversation with your father." I can feel the heat radiating over ever inch of my skin.
"I've been doing a lot of thinking the past few days, and I just don't see how this ends in any way other than me getting the fuck out of here and giving everyone a shot at having some semblance of a normal family. I was so consumed with what I want that I didn't even consider what this would do to my own dad. He's here dealing with this when he should be on his honeymoon. I don't want to be the guy who destroys everything anymore."
The only thing he is destroying right now is my heart. My heart that is now his, totally and completely.
"So what, suddenly you want to be the good guy? You expect me to believe you give a shit about their marriage?" I spit, and he winces.
"I will never be the good guy in this story, but I can remove myself from it. I can go back to school, and try not to be the loser who never makes anything of himself. Jo, you are still in high school. You don't even know what you want out of life yet."
What a cop out. I can't even cry, the rage burning within me is all consuming.
"Stop talking to me like I'm a child, Alec. This is bullshit and you know it. I know what I want, and it's to be with you. I know you want to be with me, too. I know you do. So please, just stop this. I can't take it."
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