He takes a step towards me again, but this time my feet feel cemented to the floor.
"I don't regret anything, I need you to understand that. You helped me in more ways than I will ever be able to put into words. You showed me I wasn't some fuck up, you made me want to be better. I want to be better, that's why I have to do this. Can't you see that?" His eyes are pleading for me to relent, to accept his pathetic attempt to fall on the sword.
"The only thing you are accomplishing by doing this is shattering my heart. So no, I don't fucking accept it." I say through clenched teeth. "If you expect me to just calmly allow you to walk out of my life then you don't know me at all. Was this all a game to you? That's the only way I can rationalize what you are saying to me. There is no way you could care for me and leave me after everything. Do I mean that little to you?"
My words wound him, I can see the pain that flashes across his face. "You know that isn't true. I'm trying to do the right thing. You're my fucking step sister. I can't be in love with my step sister. Do you understand what people will say? How hard it will be for your mom? My dad? Allie?"
I lose my breath.
"You're in love with me." I say, but it comes out as almost a whisper.
"It doesn't matter, what matters is that I'm putting an end to this while I still can. Just- just don't make this any harder than it already is. I wanted this conversation to go so differently, I thought you would understand."
No, he hoped it would make this easy for him. He hoped that I would make it easier to walk away.
"Get the fuck out." I say. "I won't listen to another word."
"Jo, please. Don't-"
"Get out." This time it's a scream. A scream that is undoubtedly heard by everyone in the house. "If you want to leave me then do it. Don't be a coward and just do it." I shove my hands into his chest. "Go. Leave. You were always going to hurt me, we both knew that. It was inevitable. Don't you dare blame this on doing the right thing, though. You're scared. You are terrified because you love me, because it means all you're battle armor has been stripped away and now it's just you. The real you, and you can't fucking handle it."
He says nothing, but that speaks louder than any words ever could.
"Getting caught just gave you the perfect get out of jail free card. You get to run away instead of facing that this is real now. The secrets aren't secrets anymore, and there is nowhere else to hide. That's exactly what you are, Alec Miller. A coward. Now get the fuck out."
Once he leaves and closes the door behind him I fall to my knees. The tears fall freely now, and the rage that fueled me only seconds ago is replaced with a pain that I can feel deep in my bones.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Six months later...
The alarm on my phone pulls me out of a deep sleep, and for once I am thankful. It's been a while since I had the dream, the one where he shows up and tells me he made a horrible mistake and begs me to forgive him. I always do, and we always have the steamiest makeup sex imaginable. This sounds like the perfect dream, except each time it comes I wake up feeling more empty than the last.
We're headed into spring now, and it's time to start thinking about my future. At least, that's what my school guidance counselor says each time I fail to meet a deadline for a scholarship application. Thanks to Sean's wealth it is no longer required for me to have financial aid to attend college, but it doesn't deter Mrs. Greene from relentlessly hassling me about it.
"You have so much potential, Josephine. I can't stand to see you squander such opportunities away to be ordinary."
I've decided on a few places to apply, but each time I sit down to finish the applications I lose all motivation and end up taking a nap. I have the grades to get in to pretty much any state school, and with the added freedom that comes from having no pesky financial problems to hold me back the options are endless. The problem is that the spark that once burned so fiercely within me was snuffed out. I never wanted to be the girl who got her heart broken and shut down, but fuck it's hard pick up the pieces.
Mom wants me to stay local and go to one of the large universities nearby. That isn't in the cards though, that much I have decided on. I want to get away and start fresh. I want to be somewhere where the memories of what I had with him can't haunt me. At least if I am across the county the only way he can get to me is in my dreams.
"Have you thought about the University of Florida any more? Your mother tells me that was always your plan." Sean asks, trying to start up a bout of normal conversation over breakfast.
"A little." I respond. "I'm not sure about Florida anymore."
"Where are your friends applying?" My mother asks.
A few aren't going to college, instead decided to take up a trade and begin working for an honest wage. My best friend, V, is taking a year off with her boyfriend to travel. My childhood best friend is actually sticking close to his roots and applying to UF, like we always planned. His girlfriend, and my stepsister, are constantly planning out just how incredible their summer is going to be. Especially the trip to Disney that I begrudgingly declined to join them on.
"They're all going to be a bit spread out after we graduate." I say.
My mother's lips form a tight smile, "So when do we get to find out your final choices?"
I've been avoiding this topic, purely out of my own selfishness. I am not ready to see the sadness in her eyes when I reveal that my plan is to move away.
"Applications are due for the most part in the next few days, I'll start getting the responses before too long. I promise as soon as I make a decision you'll be the first to know." I muster the best smile I can manage, and this seems to placate her for the time being.
Three months after that...
I've heard back from all my safety schools at this point, and unsurprisingly I was accepted into all of them. The University of Florida was first, then the University of Alabama came next. The last of my safety schools to come in was the University of South Alabama, which is the closest to home. My mother seemed particularly fond of that option, however I have already ruled it out.
As I sit in front of my laptop constantly hitting the refresh button to check for an update to my application status, I can all but picture my future at UC Berkeley. Their Political Science program is amazing, and the idea of living on the west coast becomes more and more appealing with each passing day. I would still be near the water, so I know my soul would be happy.
A new update has been to your application.
The words finally appear in tiny red lettering next to the 'Check Status' icon, and my heart begins to lurch in my chest.
Here goes nothing.
The screen goes white before the university's seal appears. Streamers of multi-colored confetti begin to fall over the black letters, and the anthem plays in the background. One word changes everything, 'Congratulations.'
A squeal escapes my lips and it doesn't take long before Allie bursts in the room sporting a look of utter confusion. "What the-"
Her eyes locate the celebration happening on my computer screen and she immediately joins me in jumping around the room like a toddler who'd eaten one too many sweets.
"I knew you'd get in!" She says, excitedly. "Holy crap, California? Can you believe this?"
No, I can't to be honest. Up until this moment it had all been hopes and dreams, but now it was real. I was really moving to California. I was actually doing this.
"Mom!" I yell down the stairs. "I got in! I got in to UC Berkeley!"
Sean and my mother cheer from the living room. "Oh honey, that's incredible. I know you are just over the moon!" I hear my mother say. I know without even seeing her that her eyes will be glassy, but a smile on her face nonetheless.
She wasn't exactly thrilled when I told her this was the one, that if they accepted me none of the other colleges would even stand a chance. After touring the campus I was sold, and waiting to find out my fate was excruciating. It was all worth it, though. I am officially a college gi
rl come fall, and for the first time in a long time I feel full of nothing but pure bliss.
"We have to celebrate!" Allie exclaims, her arms still wrapped around me. "Everyone is headed to the docks tonight, we have to go!"
I look down, "Oh, I don't know. I kind of want to stay in, we could order a pizza? Or-"
Allie gives me that look of hers, the one that let's me know I'm going to end up at this party whether I like it or not.
"Nope, not happening. Not tonight. This occasion calls for fun to be had, actual fun." She puts both hands on her hips. "No excuses, and no whining. Now get dressed."
I can't help but smile at her persistence. "Fine, whatever."
I haven't gone out much since the summer ended. Of course everyone has continued to embrace me fully, but it wasn't the same after Alec left. Once the group all realized what went down between the two of us there were mixed reactions to say the least.
Nate tried to be supportive, but they would never be able to truly understand just how much the whole experience affected me. V, on the other hand, spewed bouts of venomous expletives geared at the man who left me. What was it she called him, a no-good shit-for-brains spineless jellyfish?
I always appreciated how she essentially became my hype man, always making sure that I remembered that none of what happened was my fault. She loved to tell me that he never deserved me, and that he did me a favor by bailing.
I don't know that I agree with that, but it makes some days a little easier.
∞∞∞
After an hour of being dolled up by my insistent step-sister, we are loaded up in the Jeep and headed for the docks.
I am greeted with lots of hugs and congratulations from the group when we arrive, and before long I am a few drinks in and feeling great. When Nate finally arrives he scoops me up into his large arms and swings me around.
"Well, you did it. You got in to your dream school. How does it feel?" He asks once my feet are back on solid ground.
"Unreal. I still can't really believe it." I answer.
We continue to talk about the big move but I can't help but be distracted at the constant ringing of his phone. Each time he silences it, and with each new call I grow more and more curious.
"Someone really wants to talk to you." I say, trying to get a look at the screen.
"Eh, it'll be alright. I can call him back later." He says, sliding the phone back into the pocket of his jeans.
He?
I want to ask, but I know I shouldn't.
The sudden awkwardness that overtakes me must be easily recognizable because he nudges me with an elbow, "Hey, you need another drink."
He turns to walk towards the cooler but I stop him. "Is it him?" I ask, quietly.
He seems to consider his response for a moment, but eventually nods. "He's, um, coming to visit. He's probably calling to make sure it's still a good weekend."
All the breath leaves my lungs.
"Oh." Is all I can manage.
I shouldn't be upset that he didn't let me know he was coming home to visit, but I am. We didn't exactly leave things on the best terms, in fact we haven't spoken since the day I told him to get the fuck out.
"Yeah." Nate shifts uncomfortably. "Just for a few days. He's passing through on his way to Savannah."
"Oh." I say again. Fuck why can't I use my words. Use actual words Josephine. "He's been traveling, then?" I ask, thankful for a strand of coherent syllables.
"Yeah. I guess he's trying to find himself or some shit." Nate shrugs.
"What's in Savannah?" I ask, my initial shock seeming to ease a bit.
"Some festival or something, I think." I can tell he wants to change the subject, so I refrain from asking anymore questions.
The rest of the night is a blur. I drink way too much to try and dull the ache taking over my body. Alec will be here. Will I see him? What would we even say to each other? Would he even want to speak to me?
These questions race through my mind until the alcohol finally does the trick, and I slip into a drunken haze.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
If the pounding in my head is any indication of how my night went, I'd rather not be reminded of it. I drank excessively after learning Alec was coming to visit. My last clear memory is downing several cans of cheap beer in an attempt to drown out my own thoughts. I vaguely remember dancing with some guy, what was his name? I think it was Ben? Hell, I don't know.
The image of his hands running over my body begins to form in my mind and it makes me nauseous.
When my eyes finally adjust to the light filling the room from a nearby window I realize that I'm not in my room.
Where the hell am I?
A poster of a football player hangs on the wall, and clothing litters the floor. I jump up from the strange bed, terrified to see who I am sharing it with.
"Would you stay still? Jesus, Jo. What time is it?" Allie's groggy voice calls out from underneath a pillow.
Oh thank God.
"Where are we?" I whisper to my step-sister.
I look around the room again for any hint as to who's room we have invaded.
"Nate's place. You were trashed. I couldn't take you home like that." She answers, peeking out from the mound of pillows. "You feel okay?"
I rub my temples and groan. "I need water. And food. And Advil."
She laughs, and stretches out from beneath the comforter.
A light knock comes from the door. "I hear voices, guess that means you're alive in there."
Nate.
"Barely." I call back to him. "Please tell me you have pain killers."
I study my reflection in the mirror above his dresser. My hair is a mess, though my makeup seems mostly intact.
"Why did you let me drink so much?" I let out a groan.
"Hey, don't blame me. I tried to get you to slow down, but you were on a mission last night."
Nate enters the room and tosses a bottle of Advil towards me. "Ah, you're a life saver."
"Sure, I imagine you'll need it after last night. You, uh, really had a lot to drink." He says, rubbing the back of his neck.
"Don't even mention alcohol. I am never drinking again." I say, falling back onto the bed.
Allie and Nate exchange a look before bursting into a fit of laughter. "Sure." They say in unison.
A memory of the night before creeps into my mind. "Fuck. We have to go, Allie. Where's my keys?"
She looks confused, "Uh, what's the rush? I thought you were hungry?"
I look to Nate, and his eyes flash with recognition.
"Alec is coming. Here. I can't be here."
She says nothing, she doesn't have to. She rises from the bed and points towards my keys on the bedside table.
Nate flashes an apologetic smile, but I know he understands why I have to leave.
"Thanks for letting us crash here." I say, and fall into his body as his wraps an arm around me.
"Of course, anything for you Jo."
I try not to focus on his words too much. I need to get out of this house before Alec shows up.
I don't even know that he would care that I slept here. It isn't like he's made any attempt to contact me since we last spoke, but I can't deny the small part of me that still doesn't want to upset him.
I slip my shoes back on my feet and grab my keys, making a beeline for the exit.
The bright morning sun beaming down shocks my senses as I step out the front door. As if I didn't already regret the amount of alcohol I'd consumed the night before enough already, the constant ache in my head made sure to remind me.
"Can we please get some food?" Allie whined.
I roll my eyes and nod my head.
I pull out of the driveway at the same moment a black motorcycle turns onto the street. I do not know how I know it’s him, but I do. I can feel my heart pounding, and as I lock eyes with the driver, I wish more than anything I could disappear.
"Oh." I hear Allie murmur under her breath.
Time sto
ps for what seems like an eternity. The person who is responsible for both igniting the fire inside me and snuffing it out is staring at me with an intensity that makes my skin buzz with electricity.
"Jo, you okay?" My stepsister asks quietly.
I don't speak, I can't.
Instead, I drive away. I keep my eyes on the road, and try with everything still left inside me not to look back.
∞∞∞
"You haven't spoken in an hour, Jo. Just talk to me, I can help." Allie begs.
I know she wants to, but there is no way she can help me. Nothing could have prepared me for the look in Alec's eyes when he saw me leaving Nate's house so early in the morning.
Betrayal. Confusion. Hurt. Anger.
My heart hurts. That is the only way I can describe what I am feeling right now.
I know what he must have thought, and it kills me.
"I don't want to talk about it." I say, plainly.
Allie closes the space between us and plops down onto the sofa next to me. "That's not true, and we both know it."
It is true, though. I have nothing to say. There are no words, only pain. I thought I was getting over what happened between us, but today proved I was just lying to myself. That I was simply in denial about how badly I was broken.
"I'm not dropping this." She says, and I know she means it.
"Allie, you didn't see the way he looked at me. He thought- he thought I stayed with Nate. I can tell." I say, relenting.
She laughs. She actually fucking laughs.
"I fail to see what is funny, Al." I say, not even attempting to hide the frustration in my voice.
She raises an eyebrow, "Seriously? After what he did, you are worried that he thinks you're with Nate? Good! He deserves to sweat. Who the hell cares what he thinks. He left you, Jo. He's the one who skipped town and left you to pick up the pieces." Her arm wraps around me. "I love my brother, but that doesn't mean I feel bad for him in this situation. I hope he does think something happened, and I hope it's eating him alive."
Her blunt response surprises me, but she's right.
He did leave me. He made the decision to remove himself from my life, so why do I care if he is upset? I have done nothing wrong. Alec Miller is not the victim in this story.
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