Chariots on the Highway

by Limor Moyal

  Tom was shocked by what Dan was saying, and didn’t know how to respond. He wanted to tell Dan that he didn’t belong to Kfir. He wanted to shout, and hit and say everything he felt, but the fear paralyzed him.

  Just a little more, just a little bit, he wanted a few more moments with the man he loved, before this whole thing collapsed and crushed his heart. He was almost choked with grief.

  While walking towards the bar, Tom was thinking about the Binding of Isaac. He remembered the biblical story, he remember how Abraham was forced to do a cruel and sadistic act for a higher cause.

  He felt that he was dragging both of them to a similar fate, and his heart was bleeding.

  He knew this relationship was destructive, both to him and Dan. He knew that cutting him off would destroy both of them, but he also knew there was no other choice, no other road.

  The bar was quite packed, just as Tom described. The crowd was diverse and colorful and even the music was surprising, with a variety of the styles, periods, and beats.

  Both the crowd and the music were good for Dan. This combination, of freedom of mind, without being bound by any social protocol, immediately brought peace and freedom and he felt better. Even before the first shot of booze.

  “Who’s driving tonight, Texas?” asked Dan.

  “You are, I need whiskey today, and lots of it!” answered Tom, while sitting on the bar as two seats opened up.

  The bartender looked at both of them with a seductive look, trying to figure out if these two beautiful men in front of him belonged to one another.

  “What will you have?” he smilingly asked while drying a beer glass with a white towel.

  “Jim Beam, two fingers, no ice,” Tom ordered.

  “Goldstar for me,” answered Dan, and worriedly stared at Tom.

  “What’s going on with you tonight, Tom?” he had to ask, he couldn’t stand Tom's suffering state anymore.

  The bartender put the drinks in front of them, Tom was silent and took a huge sip of his whiskey, which made his face cringe.

  He took a deep breath and looked Dan deep into his eyes, a piercing, sad, naked and screaming-with-pain look, a look that wasn’t going to change until he explained himself.

  Dan panicked. His stomach tightened, his heart was beating fast and a cold sweat washed over him. He knew that something was going to happen, something immense, something that would change everything.

  “Dan, I need to talk to you, things are going to change, and I want to explain,” that’s everything Tom was able to say before a big, and in love man, grabbed him from behind with two hands and gave him a kiss on the lips.

  Kfir, with the worst timing in history, decided to display his ownership over Tom.

  Seeing Kfir kissing Tom was a punch to the stomach which Dan wasn’t prepared for, a slicing intolerable pain, of jealousy and rage.

  He wanted to kill the charming veterinarian, break all of his bones and a few teeth.

  “Hi, Kfir,” greeted him Tom with a forced smile, that Dan knew how hard it was for Tom to fake.

  “Hey, sexy!” he looked over, smiling, with a hint of threat, towards Dan.

  Dan saw the warning in Kfir’s eyes clearly. Kfir was establishing ownership, and was making in plain to Dan in the most primitive language. Dan imagined him peeing in a circle around Tom’s chair, marking his territory. He smiled to himself and took a sip of his beer, apparently the veterinarian had picked up a few tricks from his clients of the animal kingdom.

  “Hello to you too, Dan, it’s good to see you again, come here to find a nice lady for tonight?” asked Kfir, when it was clear to the both of them that he was actually challenging him to prove he was straight.

  “Hi, Kfir. How are you?” He didn’t wait for an answer and kept going, “I'm actually here to hang out with Tom tonight,” the truth was liberating, and that was Dan’s way to show Kfir that he wasn’t affected by his threats.

  “I hope I'm not interrupting,” said Kfir with an insulted tone and a questioning look toward Tom.

  Dan took a sip from his beer and looked at Tom, he knew how to read him well enough to know what Tom was expecting from him, and he saw a cry for help in Tom’s eyes. Tom didn’t want to hurt Kfir.

  “It’s fine, you’re welcome to join us,” answered Dan with a feeble smile.

  The guy sitting next to Tom got up to dance, and Kfir hurried up to take his place. Tom and Kfir talked between them, but with the loud music Dan couldn’t hear what they were saying, and so he focused on his emptying beer bottle.

  The beer and the music calmed him down, and he sunk into himself, forcibly trying to ignore what was happening on his right.

  “Hey, you.” He heard a feminine voice directed to him. It was the girl that had sat next to him not long after they entered the bar.

  She, of course, was of no interest to him, but for a lack of something better to do, he answered, “Hi to you, too.”

  “So what team are you playing for? Boys? Girls? Both?”

  He really didn’t know how to reply to that. If only she knew how complicated this question was for Dan, she probably wouldn’t have asked. Up until few months ago the answer was unequivocally clear. But now, when a pretty girl was hitting on him from the left and all he could care about was the guy on his right, what team WAS he playing for?

  “I'm on Texas’s team,” he whispered to her.

  “I have no idea what that means,” she shyly smiled at him, “but since you haven’t blown me off yet, I'm optimistic,” she raised her bottle of beer towards him and took a sip.

  “I'm Hagar by the way, nice to meet you,” she extended a small hand.

  “Dan,” he shook her hand and didn’t feel a thing. He looked towards Tom and saw that he and Kfir were still talking.

  “The guy next to you, the hot blonde guy, is he your friend?” asked Hagar.

  “Yes, and before you get your hopes up, note that he IS playing for the boys team,” said Dan with a tone that reflected his anger and jealousy.

  Hagar laughed, “That’s not why I asked. I like you better anyway and I think you’re closer to my age. I just keep seeing you looking over there, so I thought I should ask.”

  Women always amazed him, with their ability to interpret small signals. They were simply born with a special radar that men weren’t blessed with.

  “This was supposed to be a night of talking over a beer, but as you can see, he’s busy with a ‘team mate’,” answered Dan, and sipped the last drops of his beer.

  In the background, the song Say Something I'm Giving Up On You by Great Big World started playing, and the flickering lights on the dance floor were changed into a blue dim light, and hugging couples attached to each other started dancing to its sounds.

  Hagar took Dan by the hand, “Come dance with me, you can’t miss this song.” Dan didn’t argue. He sent a miserable look to Tom, and Tom sent an equally agonized look back.

  Dan put his hands around Hagar, he wasn’t a small man, and she was tiny. Her head was leaning on his chest. Tom and Kfir joined the dance floor. Tom initiated it. Dan saw him getting up first and taking Kfir with him.

  Tom placed them not far from Dan. He made sure to stand facing Dan. He hugged Kfir and his sad eyes were locked on him without moving, a static, piercing stare. Dan thought he could see moisture in Tom’s golden eyes.

  Each one of them danced with a different partner, but they were dancing with each other. Their eyes were locked and neither of them saw anything besides each other.

  Dan tightened the grip around Hagar and Tom did the same thing with Kfir, but they both knew who they were really hugging, holding and not letting go.

  Ironically, this moment, in which each one of them was hugged by someone else, was the most intimate moment they ever shared, Dan could barely stomach the pain of the situation they were in, which he felt responsible for creating. The song’s lyrics echoed in his mind, even after the song ended and was changed into an upbeat kind of music. Kfir held Tom’s head
and kissed him, again.

  Dan felt that he couldn’t take it anymore. This ends right here, right now.

  He did the only thing he could think of, the one thing he did best when he encountered emotional situations he didn’t know how to cope with, he bolted.

  “Hagar, I'm sorry, but I have to get out of here,” he started walking quickly toward the door while completely ignoring Hagar, Tom, and this entire situation.

  “Hey, wait a minute! Where are you going?” he heard Hagar closing in on him and picked up the pace.

  “Wait a second!” Dan came to a stop and waited for her a moment, when she stood next to him he started walking again towards the car with her following him.

  “What happened? Why did you bolt all of a sudden? You can tell me if you don’t want me, you don’t need to be so dramatic about it!” Dan looked at her, amused, “No offence Hagar, but the drama has nothing to do with you.”

  “None taken, it actually makes me feel better knowing I'm not man repellant, it scared me for a moment. So what DID happen? Is it the hot guy you came with, the blonde? It’s about him isn’t it?” she asked

  “I'm really not going to discuss my private matters with you, why are you following me by the way?” he picked up the pace and wanted to get to his Jeep which was parked on Brener Street.

  “I need a ride. Any chance you’re going by Tel-Aviv University near Einstein Street?”

  “Not really, but I'll make the effort for you if you pick up the pace and promise to spare me the investigation.”

  “Done!” she kept her word and picked up the pace, and for a second, Dan was happy that he managed to escape that painful scene, but that moment was short, because he heard a familiar voice shouting at him for afar, “Dan! Stop!” Oh no, no more drama, as he saw Tom running toward him with an angry look.

  “Where are you going?” asked Tom with an accusing tone.

  “Home!” he answered, barely looking Tom in the eyes.

  “And it didn’t cross your mind to tell me? We came together!” He looked with contempt at Hagar while saying that last sentence.

  “I didn’t want to bother you and your boyfriend, Tom. I preferred leaving.”

  Tom looked at him and the angry look changed into an aching broken one, Dan though that if he’d listen carefully he would hear the crack of a heart breaking. This look of Tom’s grated him so much he almost went over to comfort him and beg for forgiveness, instead he stood there frozen.

  “Have a great evening,” Tom said quietly, turned around, and started walking back.

  Dan continued with his quick walk towards the car, with Hagar chasing him.

  “I won’t even ask!” she said nervously.

  “Don’t!”

  The drive was tense, Hagar was smart enough to shut up.

  He dropped her off by Einstein Street like he promised, and didn’t even say goodbye when she left the Jeep, she didn’t bother to speak either.

  The second she slammed the door he stepped on the gas all the way and peeled out of there, he got through Ayalon in a flash, stamping his rage into the gas pedal.

  Tonight, Ayalon was dark and empty.

  So was Dan.

  Tom went back to the bar, torn apart. Seeing Dan walking away without saying goodbye, and with a woman! That was his sign to move on, to let go of the illusion that something would change. A tiger can't change his spots, he thought, even if he really wants to, and no one knew that better than him, that you can’t change who you are.

  “What's with long face, Tom?” asked Kfir while putting a comforting hand on Tom.

  “I need to leave Dan’s place!”

  Kfir smiled, feeling victorious, “I've been telling you that since the moment we've met, I'm glad you finally agree with me.”

  “Now, Kfir! Take me to Pituach!” Tom asked, almost begging.

  Kfir looked at him with an examining look, “What are you not telling me, Tom?”

  “I'm not coming over to your place, I'm not moving in with you, I need time to think. To organize my thoughts, I need a time out, from everything and everybody!”

  Kfir looked at him all upset, “Do you want time out from me? Are you breaking up with me?”

  “I don’t know Kfir! I'm not breaking up, because I wasn’t really with you, and I think you know that. I need some time now, to think. I'm sorry,” whispered Tom.

  “It’s okay,” answered Kfir, trying to keep his cool despite the disappointment, “I'll drop you off at his place.”

  “Can you wait for me in the car so I can pick up my things and drop me off at the LSC? I'd go straight there from here, but my duffel bag is at his place with the rest of my shit,” explained Tom.

  “No problem, let’s go.”

  14 Naked and Mine

  Dan arrived home, slammed the door, threw the Jeep’s keys on the table, and went upstairs angrily.

  If there had been a vase around, he’d throw it at the wall, but Tom had made sure to sell everything.

  Tom, Tom, Tom…. His name played over and over in Dan’s mind, his smiling face filled his vision as emptiness and a sense of loss descended him, “Coward!” he said to himself out loud.

  He took his shoes off and laid on the bed with his clothes on, he stared at the ceiling and wallowed in self-pity, embracing his defeat.

  He remembered the shared dance, the dance in which they both danced with strangers but practically together. He thought about the lyrics of the song, about Tom looking at him and asking him for something, with his eyes, something he didn’t know how to interpret and didn’t really knew how to give. He wanted to hit himself, punish himself, and shake himself up. He thought maybe letting off some steam in the shower would help him calm his raging nerves, and just before he got off of the bed, he heard the door opening and closing.

  He recognized Tom’s footsteps on the stairs, his leather boots had a unique click to them, announcing his presence.

  For a moment his heart was filled with hope that his soldier come back to him. That Tom had come back home and everything would return to normal.

  That they’d wake up in the morning and life would be the same, but he knew, after the look Tom gave him in the street, a second before he turned around went back to the bar... he knew that something final had happened, he just didn’t know what it was.

  He heard Tom going into his room, he heard a long zipper being opened. Tom’s duffel bag. Tom’s was packing, it was over. His heart stopped for a moment and he leapt off of the bed toward Tom’s room and stood at the door. His hand branched towards the doorpost in a desperate attempt to block the way.

  “Where are you going?” asked Dan.

  “I'm leaving!” said Tom without looking at him.

  “To Kfir’s?” asked Dan.

  “Are you serious?” Tom sneered with eyes on fire.

  “For a smart guy you’re kind of an idiot sometimes, Dan! You know that?”

  “Yeah, I know!” Dan admitted with an angry shout.

  “No, I'm not going to Kfir’s. I'm going to the LSC. I'm leaving, Dan, and I'm not coming back. We’re splitting up! Each of us goes his own way. Where’s the girl by the way? Aren’t you too dressed up to be fucking someone?” asked Tom with malicious sarcasm.

  “The girl? What girl? What are you talking about?” Dan shouted back.

  “The curly haired one who you left the club with!” shot Tom with anger and revulsion.

  Dan smiled in sadness, “Is that what you thought I was doing? And I'm the idiot? Do you even think that girl interested me? She stuck to me like gum to a shoe since the moment we went inside, and it’s not like I had anything better to do. You were busy with your boyfriend, who wasn’t even supposed to be there in the first place, mind you!” Dan spat.

  Tom stopped packing and stood in front of Dan, “So you didn’t do her?” he asked again.

  “I think that’s what I just said!” angrily answered Dan.

  They were silent and looking at each other, both raging and breathin
g heavily.

  “Tom, please don’t leave, there’s no reason for you to go. This is your home and I’m your family. I understand you’re angry because I left you without saying anything, but it’s a little over the top to get up and leave because of it.”

  Tom turned to him, sad, “That’s not the reason why I'm leaving Dan.” He went back to packing.

  “So what IS the reason? Talk to me, Texas, let’s fix this!”

  “There’s nothing to fix Dan, there are things you can’t fix or change. Let me finish packing now, Kfir’s waiting in the car,” said Tom while packing the last of his things into a big bag and closing up the zipper in his over-stuffed duffel bag.

  He stood in front of Dan, packed and determined, “Let me through, Dan!” he demanded.

  With no other choice, Dan moved aside and let Tom and his things pass, but before Tom got ahead of him, he ran down the stairs and blocked the front door. Tom went downstairs after him and stood against him.

  “You’re not leaving here, until you tell me why you’re leaving!” Dan demanded.

  ”I don’t give a shit about Kfir waiting! Send him home for all I care, and I'll drop you off wherever you want, but you’re not leaving here, until you give me an explanation, Tom, it’s the least that I deserve!”

  Tom took a deep breath and succumbed, “I'll explain. Dan, but promise me it won’t turn into a discussion and when I'm done you will let me go, and not try to stop me.”

  “Promise,” answered Dan. He wasn’t happy with it, but it wasn’t like he had a choice.

  Tom took a deep breath, looked up, and started, “I’ve been gay since I can remember myself, completely gay, six on the Kinsey Scale, 100% attracted to men, and I don’t have an ounce of doubt about it.

  You know me well enough to know that I am a pragmatic person, and it’s in my nature to always try and make the best out of everything… because of that, since day one, I had two choices: I could mourn and try to change my nature while hurting myself and others or I could just celebrate the fact that that’s how I'm wired, and there are other people like me, and it’s not that bad, and I'll find a way to make all my wishes and dreams come true, despite the fact that I sadly belong, still, to a minority.