Chariots on the Highway

by Limor Moyal

  A less hated and haunted minority than the past maybe, but nevertheless still fighting for its right to exist. Anyway, I swore to myself that one thing I wouldn’t do, and that is to fall into the cliché trap, that almost every young gay guy falls into, and that is to fall in love with a straight guy.

  There’s no bigger cliché than a gay guy falling in love with his straight ‘bestie’ and dreaming about him switching teams for him.

  I won’t let it happen to me. I swore to myself, since day one, and I always distanced myself away from situations that might blow up in my face. I put blinders on, the moment my radar picked up on a straight guy that might be a risk, I turned around and didn’t see him. It’s gone well my entire adult life, and the fact that I never went through a dry-spell helped with that of course.

  I've always had one-night-stands with whoever I wanted and how much I wanted.

  All of that changed Dan, on that same Tuesday afternoon, when these big doors opened and a pair of blue eyes looked at me and conquered me on the spot.

  My blinders stopped working, completely against my better judgment and reason, and against everything I've always known how to do, to keep myself from harm.

  You looked at me with your sad blues and ‘poof’, my iron dome was hopelessly destroyed! What I'm trying to tell you Dan…” He stopped for a moment and looked deep into Dan’s eyes.

  Dan looked back at him, excited and confused.

  “What I'm trying to tell you Dan, is that I’m in love with you, deeply in love!”

  Dan took a breath and could feel his stomach turning, his heart standing still, his blood freezing in his veins, his mouth drying up.

  He was shocked and excited and couldn’t move a muscle, couldn’t even blink.

  “I wasn’t planning for this to happen, and I tried ignoring all the signs, but I can’t do it anymore, Dan. It’s too painful, it’s tearing me apart, it’s tearing me apart to know that I want you and you can’t be mine!”

  Dan was quick to respond, he knew that this was his only opportunity and he wouldn’t miss it, “Tom, whatever you want, I'll do whatever you want! Don’t go! Don’t Leave me!”

  “Whatever I want, Dan? I'll tell you what I want: I want you, Dan, naked and mine! Can you give me that?” Tom demanded.

  “It’s already yours, Tom! I'm naked and I'm all yours, more naked than I've ever been with anyone! No one knows me like you do, no one got close to me like you did, you’re everything to me!” Dan pleaded.

  “Those are exactly the mixed signals that kept me here, Dan. You say things that can sound real, physical. You look at me, sometimes a few seconds more than what counts as reasonable, and I'm hoping those seconds are saying what I want to hear.

  Sometimes I think I can see something in your look, something that’s calling me to you, but you talk in metaphors, and I talk about the physical side of things; it's a different tune. You want a soul, I want a body! You want a friend, I want a lover! You need me, I want you!”

  He stopped for a second, looked at the door and then again at Dan and continued,

  “I know you love me, feel close to me, care about me, sees me as family. I also feel all those things towards you, Dan, but I want you naked and mine. Naked and submissive and desiring, I want to conquer your body, not only your soul. I want to taste you, drink you, mark you, penetrate you, and make you mine, body and soul. I'm not willing to settle just parts of you, I want it all! I want to know every inch of skin on your body, I want to fall asleep and wake up with you, and I know, Dan, I know that THAT, you can’t give me. I know you can’t be what you’re not. I can’t waste another second with false hope, because one more second and my heart breaks and there’s no one in this world, Dan, no one to pick up the pieces.”

  Dan almost choked on his own tears, every word, every sentence, hit him with paralyzing intensity, he was stunned, flustered, he even admired the courage and valor Tom showed in this confession. He listened to everything, drinking it all in, but it was too much, too much to wrap his mind around, too much to analyze, too much to decide. He couldn’t form a fragment of a comment to the honest and clear things Tom said.

  A car horn sounded outside and Dan tightened his fists, No one will interrupt this moment from happening, he thought.

  But Tom acted as if he didn’t hear it and kept going, “Call it self-defense. See it as withdrawal from a dangerous, destructive drug. Whatever helps you cope, but even if you don’t understand, or accept my decision, at least respect it, Dan, and let me go!”

  Tom ended the speech with tears in his eyes. He didn’t wait for Dan to move away from the door. He carefully went around him, without looking at him and without saying goodbye, and went out to the cold.

  15 It’s Not Enough

  Tom arrived to his base on Sunday morning, and for the first time since he landed in Israel he was feeling revulsion.

  He didn’t want to be in the army now, but not in town either, or anywhere for that matter.

  The only place he wanted to be in was Dan’s arms, and it was the one place that he couldn’t be.

  He thought of the scene from Friday night again and again, and even though the memories that played on a loop were a torture for him, he couldn’t make his brain stop them.

  He wondered if he said everything he wanted to. He wondered if everything he said needed to be said, and every time he asked himself that question, he gave himself imaginary pats on the back, because yes, it had to happen, and it couldn’t wait any longer.

  He appreciated himself for the mental strength, for being able to leave. True, it felt to him like chopping off his own hand, but what if this hand was poisoning the entire body? What choice do he have? It didn’t prevent the feelings of loss and misery from drowning him. The satisfaction of the practical act could not have filled the enormous vacuum that was created in him as a result.

  But Tom knew himself well enough, to know that he’s going to go through withdrawal symptoms. He was always a strong person, standing strong against the obstacles in his life. There were times when he turned his back and left, and there were times when he chose to confront them. A man needs to choose his battles, even the internal ones, but no matter the course of action, he’d always landed on both feet and would go forwards without looking back.

  “Did you hear what I said? Tom? ‘Ground control to Major Tom’?”

  “Yes! No! I'm sorry Shai, I was day-dreaming. What were you saying?”

  Shai looked at him, worried, “Tom, what’s going on with you? You haven’t been focused ever since you came back to base!”

  “Nothing, Shai, its personal,” Tom tried avoiding it, but he had to know that with Shai, it would be hard, if not impossible, to avoid. That man was an Amstaff when he wanted something from you!

  “Are you going to talk or am I going to have to get it out of you with some tool greasing first thing in the morning?”

  Shai knew it was the only chore that Tom simply despised.

  The threat immediately worked and so he gave up and started talking, “It’s Dan, my fostering ‘family’. I left him!”

  Shai looked at him, curious, “Why?”

  “Because I'm in love with him, and he’s straight, and I couldn’t take it anymore!”

  Shai was quiet for a moment, shocked by the revelation, and it was obvious that out of all the possible scenarios, that one, he didn’t expect.

  “I'm sorry I can’t give you any helpful advice, Texas, there aren’t any ‘Homosexual Crisis Settling Seminars’ in officer’s courses,” Shai gave out a sympathetic look and a little smile.

  “To be honest, Shai, I wouldn’t count on your romantic advice even if I was straight, no offence, but I don’t think it's your strong forte, officer,” said Tom

  “Guilty as charged! The only thing I can tell you, and I hope it’ll make you feel better, is that if there’s any gay guy in the world that is worth ‘playing on the other team’ for, it’s you, Texas!”

  Tom was rolling with laug
hter and blushing, this compliment was more than he expected and it acted like a balm for his wounded ego.

  “Is there anything you want to tell me, Shai?”

  Shai rolled his eyes in response, “Not really, Texas. Besides, you know I'm a slave to Maya. I don’t even look at anyone else,” Shai admitted.

  Tom liked his sincerity, and his ability to be confident enough in himself and his masculinity to say things like that.

  “Is there anything I can do for you, to ease your pain?” asked Shai with an empathetic look.

  “Actually there is, I'm going into withdrawal. It’s going to happen here in the base, I'm not leaving here until he gets out of my head, and I have no idea how long it will take. So, if you see me closing a shitload of weekends in base, please don’t give me any crap about it,” asked Tom.

  “No problem, it’s actually good that you’ll stay here, it seems like they’ll call us for action soon. I got a word from high up to refresh some orders and we both know what that means.”

  “I hope this time we’ll get to deploy properly and not be cancelled a second before the action, like the two times before,” commented Tom.

  “We’ll see, we can’t know, the important thing is to be ready, and you staying here won’t be bad at all”

  Shai stopped and thought for a moment, “How about you come to my place on Saturday Texas? Maya will be happy to see you again.”

  Tom smiled a malicious smile, “I love your girlfriend, Shai, I really do, but after last time I'm not going anywhere near her cooking!”

  Shai sadly smiled, “Yeah, cooking isn’t her strong suit. You’re leaving a man behind, I'll have to suffer on my own.”

  “Don’t worry, Shai, I'll go to town on Cohen’s fried meatloaf, it’s a delight!”

  “If you keep talking about Cohen’s meatloaf, I might stay here with you for the weekend,” Shai threatened with a smile.

  “I'm sure you don’t love Maya for her culinary skills, which means, by process of elimination, that the woman has other skills that are worth the sacrifice, and I have no doubt she’s waiting to show them to you on Saturday. With all due respect to Cohen and his meatloaf.”

  Shai had a dreamy look on his face, with a smile and a light blush that spelled affection. “You bet there is!” he stated, and Tom shrunk with jealousy and longing, and again Dan's image popped into his mind.

  The days in the base went by as if they were in slow-motion. Tom tried to keep himself as busy as possible and escape the thoughts of Dan that were eating him up, but it was in vain. He relentlessly repeated the mantra “I will beat this!” but no matter how many times he played that sentence in his head, with hope that something inside him would come around, he didn’t feel any better. He didn’t feel like the withdrawal was working. If anything, the situation was only getting worse. He lost concentration, lost his appetite, even his smile, which was his signature, became a rare sight.

  Shai was worried, but knew there was nothing he could do about it. The team who saw that Tom was upset assumed it was a girl and Tom didn’t bother to correct them. They let him fall into his grief. What is there to do with a broken heart?

  In all of this paralyzing sharp pain that Tom had never known, though, was a crack of hope for him.

  Because maybe, just maybe, there was a reason he couldn’t forget and get over it. Because maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t over, and that was the only thought that kept him going through the passing days.

  Dan felt as if he were fighting gravity. The fall seemed endless, and nothing could stop it. Maybe, he thought, that’s why they call it ‘FALLING in love’. What occupied him the most was the question that echoed for quite a while in his mind.

  Was he in love with Tom? And, if he is, what does it say about him?

  The more the days passed, the more the bothersome questions kept consuming him, added to the guilt, anger and internal conflicts that tortured him.

  The longing was the most difficult thing he experienced. It was an immense power that felt like cuts in his flesh, and every day that passed amplified the pain.

  Ever since Tom had come into his life, he’d become his main axis. All of Dan’s life revolved around texts, daily phone-calls, and the expectation for the next meeting with Tom.

  All the other components in his life turned into the scenery around the main act, which was Tom.

  He didn’t understand how he had lived before Tom showed up. Technically it was practically the same, nothing really changed in his life, Only now, after he tasted whatever it was with Tom, life without him were stale and meaningless.

  He tried calling Tom a number of times, but Tom never picked up.

  The waiting tune on Tom’s phone was changed. The Muppets opening theme was changed into Lost Cause by Beck, and Dan knew and understood what Tom was trying to tell him with this non-coincidental choice.

  The only contact they had was text messages that did no good for either of them.

  Dan: “Tom where are you? Is everything okay? You’re not picking up the phone!”

  Tom: “Everything is fine, Dan, I'm choosing not to answer you!”

  Dan: “Tom, please, come back home!”

  Tom: “Why?”

  Dan: “Because I miss you”

  Tom: “That’s not enough!”

  Two days later, after a few more tries at calling and a few more times hearing Beck, Dan tried again with the texts.

  Dan: “Tom, please, let’s talk about this.”

  Tom: “Dan, we have nothing to talk about, everything that needed to be said has been said.”

  Dan: “Tom, come back home.”

  Tom: “Why?”

  Dan: “I can’t live without you!”

  Tom: “That’s not enough!”

  Dan wanted to smash the phone from frustration. After the last chat he realized there was no point in trying again, and his rage level reached new peeks.

  He couldn’t understand the dissonance between Dan - the business-like character, and Dan - the personal character. How is it possible that these two men are living together in the same body?

  Business-like Dan was an assertive, determined, courageous man who took chances on a daily basis and was not afraid to lose. He was strong and charming and usually, whoever came in contact with this Dan, would shrivel against the power he projected.

  Unlike him, personal Dan, who he was now, after the downfall, was scared, confused, didn’t know what to do or what to think or feel.

  He was scared of himself, of the loneliness and his inability to get out of the frozen state he was in. His internal conflicts, which got worse, began to show on the outside.

  Dan lost weight because he didn’t eat, got dark spots underneath his eyes because he didn’t sleep, and walked around with a migraine most of the day because he made friends with a cognac bottle to pass the time and ease the pain.

  On top of all of that, his fucking tooth finally cracked. The wisdom tooth raised her head up high and the process was accompanied by terrible pain.

  He tried calling Flora. He needed her more than ever but the answering machine picked up, and in the recording with her graceful voice, the followed message sounded: “Hi, I'm off for a "goodbye life" journey in Europe, don’t leave a message because I'm not planning on responding, I'll be back when I'll be back, or not…. Arrivederci”

  He hated the dark humor, but was glad that she was able to laugh over the situation and not wallow in depression.

  “Dan? What’s going on with you? You look like a piano fell on your head,” said Sharron with a worried look in her eyes.

  “I do feel like a piano fall victim, but I don’t really want to talk about it,” he answered her, cold and detached.

  Sharron thought for a moment, “Okay, don’t talk to me about it, but talk to someone about it. You can’t keep walking around like this, whatever it is, it’s getting worse. I'm worried, Dan. Is Tom coming over this weekend?”

  “Tom? What does Tom have to do with this?” he yelled
at her with an aggressiveness that wasn’t like him, and when he realized what he’d done, he immediately apologized, “Forget it, Sharron, I'm sorry, I don’t want you to be my punching bag. It’s something I have to deal with and there’s no reason for you to get hurt in the process. Please forgive me.”

  “It’s fine, boss. I'm not hurt. Just please do something, okay?” she quietly said while leaving the room.

  That was the moment when Dan realized he was starting to lose it.

  That this thing holding his stomach and not letting go was getting out of hand. He absolutely had to do something. He called Mike and set up an urgent meeting.

  “Tom’s in love with you and he chose to leave so he wouldn’t hurt himself. To me is sounds like a reasonable and a necessary step given the circumstances. I understand you’re disappointed and that you miss him, but I feel like there’s a deeper problem here than feeling grief over the loss of a good friend,” Mike tried to sum up what Dan had told him in a nonstop speech from the moment he entered the clinic.

  “I feel like I'm falling. I feel like I have no air. I feel like I don’t understand my life without him. I know it sounds completely insane, Mike, but I think I'm losing it. I don’t know what to do.”

  “It sounds to me,” Mike said carefully, “like you’re also in love with him,” he was silent for a moment to gauge Dan’s reaction.

  Dan didn’t respond, he just stared at him tiredly.

  “Are you asking me or stating a fact?” Dan eventually asked.

  “I would ask you if I thought you’d have an answer, but I suspect that’s exactly the reason why you’re here today. I think you have no idea what’s going on with yourself and you need help.”