She shook her head. “I can’t,” she whispered.
“Come, sit with me.”
Renie let him pull her to the couch. She sat with her back against the arm, and put her feet up, so her legs formed a wall between them. Billy rested his elbow on her knees.
“Some say, in fact, I’ve heard you say it yourself, that I’ve been pitched off one too many broncs.” He shook his head and laughed. “I suppose I act like it often enough. I’m thirty-three years old, and this is the first time I’ve lived in my own place.”
She nodded.
“Out on the road all the time…let’s say there have been women in my life. You know what I’m sayin’?”
She nodded.
Billy took her feet and stretched her legs over his.
“The other day, when you touched my arm, you felt it too, didn’t you?”
She looked away from him, across the room.
“Look at me, dammit.”
Her head snapped back, and her eyes met his.
“Renie, I swear to God, this is the most important conversation I’ll ever have with you. You gotta pay attention to me. You’re killin’ me. Do you even realize it?”
She shook her head again.
“Do you know how ripped up I am about this?”
No response, not even head movement.
“That’s why I got drunk the other night. When you touched my arm, I felt it throughout my whole body. I almost pulled you into my arms and kissed you then. I wanted to so bad.”
She closed her eyes.
“How long have you felt it, Renie?”
That made her open her eyes.
“Do you realize that you’re the only person I tell everything to? Don’t you realize how important you are to me? I can’t go more than a couple of hours without wanting to tell you something.”
He did send her random texts all day. She assumed he got lonely out on the road. Most of the guys traveled with somebody else but he never had. He said it messed with his head too much.
Once, after her mother’s first rodeo, Renie rode home with Billy. He told her she was the only person he’d ever let ride with him—ever. He also told her he liked having her with him.
“You’re my best friend.”
It didn’t surprise her to hear him say so. It was part of their problem, Billy saw her as his friend.
“We can stay friends, Billy.”
“Is that what you want?”
She shrugged. “Long history between us. Don’t know if we want to mess it up.”
“Damn, there’s a lot I want to mess up with you, but not our history.”
“I don’t know what that means, Billy. Your friendship means the world to me, it always has. I guess in a way you’re my best friend too.” She grinned. “If you ever tell Blythe I said so, I’ll deny it.”
He didn’t smile. He was close enough to her that she heard every breath he took. He stared at her, and she didn’t look away.
“How could I have been so blind?”
She was glad he’d been blind. It saved her the awkward conversation they were having now. If Billy had told her he didn’t “feel that way” about her, it would’ve destroyed her. It was better believing he didn’t know how she felt, so he never pushed her away.
“How long?”
“Billy, don’t.”
He went into the kitchen. He wasn’t only asking how long she’d felt this thing between them, but how long had he been denying it. Memories flooded back to him faster than his brain could process them. She was in his every memory, sometimes in the background, but always there.
He stood in the kitchen with his hands on the edge of the counter, wondering what in the hell he should do next. He wanted to take her back into that bedroom and never leave.
Renie came around the corner and leaned against the wall. “Let’s put that last couple of days behind us and go back to how we were.”
“I can’t do that.”
“But…”
She was about to cry, and in all the years he’d known her, he rarely remembered seeing her cry.
“I can’t lose you, Billy. You mean too much to me.”
“What makes you think you’re gonna lose me?”
“I can’t be one of your pack of girls that follows you to rodeos.”
“Irene Fairchild, you’ve never been one of a pack of anything. Not ever.”
“You should go home.”
“Nope. I’m not goin’ anywhere. We gotta work through this.”
She bit her lip and shoved her hands in her pockets.
“I’m not sayin’ anything is gonna happen between us tonight, I’m just sayin’ that I’m not goin’ home.”
What would she do if he reached out, pulled her to him, and held her close? She looked scared. He understood her being nervous, but her fear threw him.
He held out his hand, but she didn’t budge. He stepped closer, his hand still extended in her direction. “Take it.”
“Why?”
“Cause.”
“I can’t—”
“Take my hand. That’s it. That’s all you gotta do.”
She took one hand out of her pocket.
“You’re gettin’ closer.” Billy took another step forward.
When she put her hand in his, he pulled her to him. He put his arms around her, and rested his head against hers.
“Tell me what you’re afraid of,” he whispered.
“You’re gonna break my heart, Billy.”
“Nah, I’d never do that to you, Renie.”
“You can’t guarantee it.”
“Never. I promise.”
He put his hands on her cheeks, and looked into her eyes. “We’re gonna go to bed now, Renie. I’m gonna sleep with you tonight, but that’s all we’re gonna do.”
Billy opened the door to the bedroom, and Renie went in the other door, to the bathroom. He took off all his clothes. He usually slept naked, but considering he told her nothing would happen between them tonight, he put his boxer briefs back on.
He wondered which side of the bed she slept on. Whichever it was, that’s where he wanted to be. He settled on the middle.
She came in wearing a sweatshirt, that he swore used to be his, and flannel pajama bottoms. He could see less of her now than when she was fully dressed.
She saw where he was and shook her head, sliding in next to him.
“You should sleep on top of the covers.”
“What? You’re crazy, it’s freezing in here.”
“But—”
“You can trust me, Renie. Come closer.” He put his arm around her and pulled her into him.
“Put your head right here,” he said, patting his chest. When she did, he took her arm and draped it across his stomach. “Go to sleep, sweetheart.”
It took only a few minutes until she sounded as though she was. It would be a long time before he did the same. He doubted he’d sleep at all tonight. He had a lot of thinking to do. Funny how he usually wanted to be alone when he needed to think on something. Tonight he’d think better with her by his side. That must mean something.
5
Billy checked his phone. It was almost one in the morning. No wonder she fell asleep so fast. Not to mention the emotional wringer he put her through.
He realized at one point tonight that Renie was way ahead of him. She saw this coming before he did.
He had several things to consider. First, their two families were almost one. He was ten years older than Renie, and based on her reaction to him tonight, twenty years more experienced. She was his best friend. Of everything, that was the most important. She was terrified that he would hurt her, which meant she wanted more than friendship with him. If she didn’t, she would’ve said so, and she definitely wouldn’t be worried about him hurting her.
How long had he been taking her for granted? Probably since the day he met her. So often she looked at him in a way that said she knew exactly what he was thinking, and then she’d laugh a
t him for it.
Nobody called him on his shit better than Renie did. Not even his mom, who called people on their shit all the time.
A couple years ago, Renie’s mom broke her neck in an accident while barrel racing. Things changed between them then. Liv had been in a coma, and while Renie stayed by her mom’s side, Billy stayed by Renie’s. As Liv’s recovery progressed, Billy and Renie rode with her, encouraging her to get back in the saddle.
He thought back further. The first rodeo Liv competed in, his parents, Renie, Paige, Mark, even Ben, drove to Oklahoma to see her first barrel race.
That weekend he danced with Renie. When he held her close, he realized she wasn’t a little girl anymore, she was a woman, and every part of him stood up and took notice.
He even remembered the song. They danced to “Free” by Zac Brown Band. It made him wonder what it would be like to hop in a truck and go…travel around the country, just her and him.
When they caravaned home, Renie rode with him. He didn’t like anyone riding with him. People on the circuit said he was weird about it, but he didn’t care. It was the way he liked it. When she rode with him it was different. They’d talked, and laughed, and then were quiet, and no matter what, he was comfortable.
Then there was the wedding. Last summer, Ben Rice talked Liv Fairchild into marrying him. The wedding took place in Crested Butte, where Ben lived. His family had owned the Flying R Ranch on the south side of Crested Butte Mountain near East River Valley, since the mid-1800s. Each of Ben’s brothers, and their parents, had houses on the ranch. The week of the wedding, he and his parents stayed with Will, Ben’s youngest brother and his wife. Renie stayed at Ben’s with her mom and Ben’s two sons.
Ben and Liv got married on the porch of his parents’ sprawling ranch house—perfect enough that it looked like a movie set.
The house, built of dark wood, had a huge wraparound porch, and a spectacular view of Mount Crested Butte to the east, and the valley to the west. All around them, the Rocky Mountains rose majestically out of the earth, as though they were there to witness Liv and Ben’s wedding. The sun was shining, and the sky was a perfect cloud-free Colorado blue. A light breeze blew, but it was warm that day.
Ben’s sons walked Liv up the stone walkway that wound through the front lawn to the porch steps. Renie, her mom’s maid of honor, stood on those steps looking so beautiful, she took his breath away.
When he closed his eyes, he pictured the soft pink dress she wore. It was sleeveless and rested just above her knees. She was tan from spending all her time outdoors, and her blonde hair was loose, blowing in the wind, and her feet were bare. He remembered realizing that day that Renie was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen—and the sexiest.
He watched as her mother joined Ben on the porch, next to Renie. Renie looked at her mother with such pride and love that day.
The ceremony had been short. Liv stood, barefoot herself, one step higher than Ben because he was so much taller than she. When the ceremony ended, Ben sang to her. He wrote the song, “And Then You Fall,” for her, and released it not long after Liv’s accident, while she lay in the coma. There wasn’t a dry eye at the Rice Ranch the day of the wedding.
Even when she cried, Renie was beautiful. Her tears made her dark blue eyes sparkle more than they did normally. She cried softly, smiling, as her tears slowing spilling down her cheeks. Remembering how she looked took Billy’s breath away.
The party that followed went on throughout the afternoon and evening. Ben’s band, CB Rice, played for hours. Ben sang off and on, but each time he did, he brought Liv up on stage with him, as though he couldn’t stand not being able to touch her, even for a few minutes.
Billy danced with Renie most of the night, when he was able to get her away from Ben’s sons, who were now her stepbrothers. Why hadn’t he realized then how much in love he was with her?
It was close to midnight when the wedding reception broke up. Ben and Liv went back to their house, while Renie stayed there with Ben’s parents. When everyone else left, Billy hadn’t been ready to.
He and Renie sat on the porch and took in the wonder of the mountain sky that perfect summer night. They stayed there until sunrise.
It hadn’t occurred to Billy to kiss Renie that night. Now he wished he had.
Billy turned more of his body toward her. His arms longed to hold her close to him.
“Billy?”
“Yeah, Renie?”
“Are we gonna be okay?”
“We’re gonna be way better than that.”
When Billy woke up later, the sun streamed through the thin white window coverings. It had to be mid-morning, but Renie was still sound asleep.
They’d moved in the night, so they faced each other. Her lips were so close to his he could feel her breath on his cheek. When he brushed his lips across hers, she woke with a gasp.
Hearing that sweet sound, did Billy in. His mouth covered hers as his hand came up to fist her hair. He held her still, so she had no choice but to kiss him back. He tucked his other arm under her body and pulled her into him, and wrapped a leg over hers.
Renie put her hands on his chest and pushed back. He looked into her eyes, again wishing he knew what she was thinking. His hand moved to the curve of her back, down to her bottom, and pulled her into him.
God, he wished her eyes could speak. Everything he needed to hear was in them, they were telling him, but he couldn’t grasp what they were saying.
She pushed away from him again and sat up. She pulled her sweatshirt over her head. Her hands moved to her waist, and she eased off her pajama bottoms.
Whatever air Billy had in his lungs was gone. He was dizzy, almost delirious, as he took in the sight of Renie naked.
“I knew it,” he said.
“What did you know, Billy?”
“Fucking amazing. I knew you would be.”
Chill bumps spread over her body in the cold bedroom, but he didn’t want to cover her with a blanket. He had no choice but to cover her with himself. He slipped off his boxer briefs and pushed his thigh between hers, forcing his way in closer to her.
“Wait,” she whispered.
He leaned over to where his jeans lay on the floor, reached into the pocket, and found a condom. She watched as he tore open the packet and put it on. Every move he made, her eyes followed.
He kissed her again, first her lips, then down her neck, taking a turn with each breast, while his hands reached down to where they would soon come together.
He slid into her slowly, and stopped moving. He looked into her eyes, questioning.
She leaned forward and brought her lips to his. She kissed him so hard, his body reacted instinctively, moving into her of its own accord. She breathed in deeply as he pushed into her, but made no other sound. His hands caressed her face as their lips stayed joined in the same way their bodies were.
He could no longer hold back, he had no control over his body’s reaction to her. He wanted to go slow, be gentle and make this, her first time, perfect for her. His pace quickened. He moved harder into her, and then, when he couldn’t wait any longer, she cried out. Her fingers dug in where her hands pulled at his shoulders.
“Open your eyes,” he said softly. “Look at me.”
He rolled so she was on top of him, his body refusing to leave the snug comfort of hers. “Renie—”
“Shh.” She ran her fingertips over his lips.
He closed his eyes to steady himself, before he thought about what they had done. He’d promised her he wouldn’t hurt her. He prayed he hadn’t.
She’d been waiting for this moment, this day, all her life, or at least the last couple of years, when she allowed herself to fantasize about the first time she and Billy had sex. Now here he was, underneath her. Every time she went to move away from him, to move her body enough that their bodies were no longer joined, he held her still.
He wanted to talk, she knew he did, the same way she understood everything else about Bil
ly’s subtle nuances. She wasn’t ready to. Instead, she wanted to linger, savor this time with him. No matter what happened now, it wouldn’t be this way ever again, because this was her first time, not just with Billy, but with anyone.
“Do you have to be anywhere?” he asked.
“Not until this afternoon.”
“How are you?”
She smirked. “Fine. How are you?”
“Gotta be a smart ass, don’t ya?”
Renie put her hands on Billy’s shoulders and raised herself up so she could see the look on his face.
“I’m okay, Billy.”
“I wish you would’ve told me.”
“Would it have changed anything?”
She was afraid it would have, and that’s why she hadn’t told him. He would’ve wanted to talk about it. He might have even told her they shouldn’t, or that they should wait. He would have made a big deal out of it, as he had about making her breakfast. He would’ve planned for it to be special…and he would’ve overthought it.
He brought his head up at the same time his hand gripped the back of her neck. “It would have, and that’s why you didn’t tell me, isn’t it?”
Billy didn’t want to leave. He wanted to spend another night with her. She had class until nine, then she had to study she told him. He didn’t care. She came to his house and studied all the time. He never bothered her. He wouldn’t bother her here either.
Are you hungry? He texted her at eight. If she were, he’d get takeout and have it ready for her when she got back to the apartment.
Are you still here? She answered.
Yep.
Why?
Because he wanted to be, and he wasn’t going to get into a text argument with her about it. He looked through her kitchen until he found takeout menus in a drawer. She thought she knew him so well, but he knew her too, better than she thought.
All these years Renie thought he hadn’t been paying attention. He got that now, but he had been. Who didn’t pay attention to their best friend? He recognized the meaning behind every one of her looks. He knew what her texts meant, even if they consisted of one word. He was able to fill in enough blanks to finish her thoughts.
Dance with Me (Cowboys of Crested Butte Book 2) Page 5