“Bye, sweetheart. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“What’s up?”
“Bad weather in Gunnison. Ben can’t fly out today.”
“I’m sorry. I know you wanted to see your mom. It’s my fault for talkin’ you into stoppin’ here.”
“You saved me. I might have been stuck on the pass if I hadn’t stopped.”
“Thanks for makin’ me feel better about it. I wish…”
“What?”
“I know I’m a selfish prick. You know I’m a selfish prick. I can’t imagine doing anything this big without you with me.”
“You’ve done lots of big things without me.”
“This doesn’t feel like me, Renie. This feels like us. Whatever I find out in Texas affects both of us.”
“Billy—”
“Please go with me, Renie.”
She put her head on his chest, right above his heart. “Okay.”
He held her tight and closed his eyes, saying a silent prayer of thanks.
“Your mom still needs to go with us, Billy. I can’t go if Dottie doesn’t.”
“My mama will still go with us, darlin’. Don’t worry.”
He knew he should tell her she didn’t have to go, but now that he’d talked her into it, he didn’t want to risk saying anything that might change her mind. It wasn’t just that he wanted her with him—he needed her with him.
It cost him a fortune to get her ticket, and theirs, at the last minute, but he would’ve paid ten times more to have her with him.
Renie sat next to him. Dottie sat across the aisle.
“I didn’t realize we were flying first class, Billy.”
He often flew first class and even if he didn’t, he would’ve this trip. He was about to ask his mother and the love of his life to help him bring his baby girl home. He didn’t need a paternity test, he felt it in his bones—he was Willow’s father.
He closed his eyes, wishing he could sleep, but knew he wouldn’t.
He lifted the armrest between them and brought Renie closer to him. “Sleep, darlin’. Get some rest.” She was asleep before he finished his sentence. He doubted she’d gotten much more sleep than he had the last couple of days.
The Johnsons suggested they meet at the hospital the next day, which was a few minutes away from the airport in San Antonio. Billy had gone the afternoon before and given the lab what they needed to run the test. They were waiting in the lobby when he walked in with Renie and his mother. Sophie Johnson was holding the baby.
Billy knew as soon as he looked at her. It didn’t matter what any lab or doctor told him, that baby was his.
Renie saw it too. Billy saw it in her face. He watched her, afraid to look away, afraid he’d miss something. Her look went from shock to…something he didn’t have words for. But when he looked back at Willow, he hoped Renie was feeling the same thing he was. It was indescribable.
“Here,” said Mrs. Johnson. “You hold your girl.”
Billy hesitated, not sure what to do. Willow started kicking her legs, leaning toward him.
“Hold tight, Billy,” said Dottie, smiling through her tears. “She’s a squirmer…like you were.”
“Why don’t you have a seat?” Earl Johnson motioned. “Your mama’s right. Willow’s a squirmer.”
Billy could hear him, understood what he was saying, but he couldn’t move. He and Willow stared at each other, as though they were looking in a mirror. He was sure that any minute his heart would burst right open. When he did look away, it was at Renie, and he had no idea what the expression on her face meant.
It was as though all the air left her body when Billy took the baby in his arms, and she watched him fall in love. In that moment, she realized she would never hold his heart the way she hoped she would. She’d dreamt of this day, Billy holding their baby, not the baby he had with someone else.
Why had she come with him? She wasn’t part of the scene playing out in front of her. She was a bystander, and not an innocent one. She was a damaged bystander, feeling the worst pain she could imagine.
When Dottie rested her hand on Renie’s back, she flinched, as though the touch burned her.
“Renie?” Billy was walking toward her, with the baby.
“Billy—” Her voice caught in a sob. “I can’t. I can’t do this.”
She felt the walls closing in on her. She couldn’t breathe. All she knew was she had to get away from this…Billy and his baby, as fast as she could.
She turned and ran out of the hospital, and jumped into the cab parked outside the entrance. “Take me to the airport,” she said. “Hurry.” The cab sped away.
She couldn’t bring herself to look back at Billy, standing outside the door, baby in his arms.
8
It took her almost ten hours to get from San Antonio to Gunnison, and then another hour to get a cab to take her to Crested Butte. Renie felt as though she’d been run over by a bus. She trudged up the steps, and knocked.
“Renie? How did you get here?” her mom asked when she opened the door.
“It’s been a long day, and I’d really rather not talk right now. Is that okay?”
“Of course it is. Come in and set down your things. Can I get you anything to eat?”
“I’m not hungry, thanks. I’d like to lie down.”
“Go ahead, honey. We’ll talk after you rest.”
Renie went downstairs, and threw her suitcase on the bed. She went to wash her face and brush her teeth, but stopped in hallway when she heard her mom talking to Ben.
“What happened?” he asked.
“I don’t have any idea,” her mom answered.
“Can you call Dottie?”
“I’ll try. But, Ben, I cannot imagine what could have happened. I’ve never seen her look so…defeated.”
Dottie told Billy that she’d be back in a few minutes to help with the baby, she needed to go home and grab a couple of things. When she walked in the back door, Bill was sitting at the kitchen table waiting for her.
“How is he?”
“Devastated.”
“She just left?”
Dottie let her husband hug her, the way she usually hugged everybody else. She needed his comfort.
“She’s twenty-three years old, Bill. It’s hard to remember she’s so young. She’s usually the wisest old soul in the room. When it comes to Billy, she’s a young woman in love, and she was completely unprepared for this.”
Dottie let go. “I need to get back up there, but I want you to do somethin’ for me. It won’t be easy, but I need you to call Liv, and tell her what’s happened. I can’t. Billy needs help with that beautiful little baby. Come up to the house after you talk to Liv, and meet your granddaughter.”
“I’ll call Livvie, sweetheart. Don’t you worry, this will all work out eventually.”
Dottie patted Bill’s cheek. “So certain everything will work out. It’s one of the reasons I fell in love with you, Bill Patterson.”
Ben picked up Liv’s phone when it rang and looked at the screen.
“It’s Dottie,” he said, handing it to her.
“Hi, Dottie,” she answered.
“No, Livvie, not Dottie. Bill here.”
“Oh, Bill. Is Dottie okay?” Bill never called her.
“Dottie’s fine, but I need to tell you something. Have you talked to Renie?”
“I tried to talk to her, but she wouldn’t talk back. So no, I don’t know anything.”
Fifteen minutes later Liv ended the call. She’d done nothing but listen, so Ben still didn’t know what was happening. When she told him, he put his head in his hands. “Jesus,” was all he said.
Every time her mom came to check on Renie, she pretended she was asleep. This time, when Liv opened the door, Renie rolled toward her.
“Did you talk to Dottie?”
“I did, honey.”
“Good. Now you know. We don’t have to talk about it.”
“We don’t? I think we should.”
Wh
en her mom sat down on the bed, Renie got up and went to the window that looked out over the ranch.
“Whatever went on between me and Billy is over now. There isn’t anything to talk about.”
“I understand that you’re upset about this, but the Pattersons are family. You and Billy will get past this.”
Renie didn’t bother to turn around to look at her mother. “Don’t bring this up to me again. If you do, I’ll leave.”
A week later, she didn’t feel any differently. All Renie wanted to do was sleep. Her mother, Ben, even his boys asked her to come upstairs and join them for meals, or to go for a walk, or ride. Her mom actually offered to let her ride Micah, the horse she never let anyone else ride.
Thinking everyone had left the house, Renie crept upstairs to get a cup of coffee and something to eat. Her mother was sitting at the table in the kitchen, waiting for her. “Renie, when do you need to get back to school?”
“I don’t.”
“You don’t? Have you been in touch with any of your professors?”
“No.”
“Renie, you are not a child. You have a responsibility to contact your professors and let them know when you’ll be back.”
Renie didn’t answer. She got up from the table, and went downstairs, before she closed the bedroom door, she heard Ben ask her mom if she wanted him to talk to her.
“You better,” she answered, “but not right now. Maybe the next time she decides to come out of hiding.”
“Renie, can I come in?” Ben knocked on the bedroom door.
“Sure.”
“I’m worried about you, kiddo,” he said, sitting in the chair next to the dresser.
“No need to worry, Ben. I’m reevaluating my life. I’m sure you’ve been where I am. There must’ve been a time in your own life that everything went to hell.”
“Yeah, there sure was, and you know it. But, Renie, I got help.”
“You’re saying I need help,” she rolled her eyes.
“If you’re dropping out of your own life, yeah, you need help. Go talk to somebody.”
“I don’t want to talk to anyone, and just because I see no need to go back to school to pursue a degree I’m no longer interested in, doesn’t mean I’m dropping out of life.”
“What about your horse?”
“My horse is boarded. I send a check for her boarding fees every month. I have not neglected my horse, Ben.” It wasn’t her fault Billy never cashed her checks. She sent them, her responsibility for Pooh ended there. If Billy decided he didn’t want to board her, she could always sell her horse.
“Got it. What about your apartment in Fort Collins, or your tuition?”
Her tuition was paid directly by her father’s GI Bill. Her rent was paid, too. It wasn’t Ben’s business whether she let the apartment sit empty for six months. Her ongoing tuition was another matter. However, the spring semester had just begun. She could drop her classes, pause her tuition assistance, and not have to pay any of the money back. Her monthly stipend would end, but she had enough in savings to cover her for at least six months. On top of that, when she turned twenty-five, she would receive the first payout on the trust fund her grandparents set up for her.
Ben and her mom might kick her out, but she could well afford a place to live. She’d have to get a job, but she wasn’t above doing that either.
“How much time have I got?” she asked.
“For what?”
“To decide what I’m going to do.”
“However much time you need.”
Ben left, and a few minutes later, her mom knocked on the door. “Can I come in?”
She might as well leave the damn thing open since evidently today would be a revolving door of therapy. She wondered who might show up after her mom. As long as Billy Patterson wasn’t on the visitor list, she could pretend to listen to anyone else who decided to throw their unwanted two cents into her life.
“Yes, Mom, you can come in.” Renie stood near the window with her arms folded.
“Ben tells me you’re not going back to school.”
“That’s right.”
“Not now, or not ever?”
“Ever.”
“You’ve taken breaks before, and gone back.”
Yes, she had. When her mom broke her neck in a barrel-racing accident, she took a semester off.
“You can start up again in the summer and still hold your place in the vet program this fall.”
“I’m not interested in becoming a vet anymore, and since I don’t know what I want to do, there’s no point in wasting any more money on tuition.”
Her mom walked over and put her hands on Renie’s shoulders. “Who are you and what have you done with my daughter?” When most people said something like that, they meant it as a joke. There was no mistaking that her mother wasn’t trying to be funny.
“I know you think I’m making more of this than I should, but, Mom, this is my life. I will figure it out on my own. It doesn’t matter what you, or Ben, or Dottie, or anyone else has to say to me. I’m not listening. You don’t know how I feel. You can’t know.”
“I think I do,” Ben said from the doorway.
Renie folded her arms and turned her back to him. “Everybody’s an expert on things they don’t know jack-shit about,” she mumbled.
“You’ve done a fan-freaking-tastic job of hiding your feelings for years, Renie. Years. You’ve spent your entire life thinking you were in love with Billy Patterson. Now that you’ve decided your life will never be what you imagined it to be, you can’t see past that. You have no idea what the rest of your life will look like, and you’re not interested in figuring it out. Yet.”
Renie didn’t turn around, or answer Ben. Mainly because somehow he’d hit the nail on the head. She couldn’t look someone in the eye who managed to drill into her deepest, darkest insecurities when it came to Billy.
Ben was right. For twenty-three years, she fantasized that one day, she and Billy would marry and raise a family together. She’d become a large animal vet, they’d have a ranch, raise live and rough stock, and everything would be perfect. Now that she’d been forced to leave that fantasy by the side of the road, she had no idea what to do with her life.
Silent tears slid down her cheeks that she couldn’t hide because her mom and Ben were still in the room. Crying for Billy was something she did in private. It was her secret, just like loving him all those years had been.
“We’ll leave you alone for now, sweetheart, but when you’re ready, come upstairs and we’ll figure out what to do with your apartment, and the rest of it.”
She nodded. The rest of it her mother was talking about was her horse. Billy had Pooh, and getting her from him, meant she had to see him, and she couldn’t do that.
Renie picked up her phone knowing she shouldn’t. She had to stop caring whether Billy was trying to reach her or not. She had to stop caring about Billy.
She knew what everyone thought without them needing to say so. Maybe it made her a horrible person, but she couldn’t become a surrogate mom to Billy’s dead girlfriend’s baby.
He told her he’d never been in a relationship, but now she didn’t believe him. You don’t make a baby with someone you sleep with once, if you’re using protection. As naive as she was, she sure as hell knew that much.
For years she’d been Billy Patterson’s doormat. She’d spent her whole life being everything he needed, whenever he needed it. God, she’d even slept with him.
The hardest thing for her to accept was how completely clueless she’d been…her whole life. Her mother asked who she was and what she’d done with her daughter. When Renie looked in the mirror, she wondered the same thing. Who the hell was she? She’d let Billy define her for so long, she didn’t know who she was without him.
“If you’re leaving school, we might as well clean out your apartment,” her mom said at breakfast the next morning. “When would you like to do that?”
When Renie shrugged
her shoulders, Liv left the table, and walked out of the room.
“What the hell?” she said to Ben who sat across from her.
“She’s getting sick of your shit, Renie.”
Renie glared at him.
“You’ve been treating her as though this is her fault, and she doesn’t deserve it. She has nothing to do with what happened between you and Patterson. She’s been patient with you, more patient than I would’ve been. But now she’s done. She has her own life to live.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means you need to start taking responsibility for your life. You wanna quit school? Fine. We’re not gonna try to talk you out of it. Even if it is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.” When she started to speak, Ben held up his hand. “She’s going back out on the road in April, Renie. Have you thought about that? Or are you just thinking about yourself?”
“I’m not going back to school, Ben.”
“Fine. We got it. We heard you. You wanna move on? Have at it. But instead of expecting your mom to just take care of things for you, take responsibility for your own life.”
“What do you expect me to do?”
“Ask. Us. To. Help. You.”
Renie went in search of her mom.
“I’m sorry,” she said when she found her. “Can you and Ben take me to Fort Collins? I’ll pack up the apartment and go see the registrar at school, let them know I won’t be starting the vet program this year.”
“That’s a start.”
“What else, Mom?”
“Your car? Your horse? You have other responsibilities, Renie. You can’t turn your back on them.”
“I can’t…I know you don’t understand, but I can’t.”
“Pooh?”
“I can’t see him, Mom. Please don’t force me to. I’ll do whatever else you and Ben want me to do, except that.”
“Okay, I’ll talk to Ben and we’ll figure something out. I won’t force you to see Billy. But, sweetheart, I’m not going to stop encouraging you to talk to him. You’ve been friends all your life, you can’t just throw a friendship like that away.”
Dance with Me (Cowboys of Crested Butte Book 2) Page 8