A Little Rain

by Dee Winter

  Eventually, eyes open again and I think I’m in another place, only I’m not. I haven’t moved at all but the couple have gone. There’s a guy sat there now rolling a joint and there are some other people sitting near. Someone else offers me their water bottle. I take it and manage this time to say, “Thanks,” in a whisper. When I look at who I’m giving the bottle back to I nearly drop it on the floor. He’s not pretty, not handsome and not really even cute but there is more than just something about him. He has a gentle face, like a sunset. He radiates a spectrum of colour. He’s noticed I’m staring and nods at me smiling. It’s no effort at all to smile back. He laughs gently, then slides up alongside me and puts his arm behind me, though not so we’re touching. He doesn’t say a word. The music takes on a new dimension. I’m on another plane. Reality seems a million miles away. We just sit for a long long time.

  Later still, Rob strides in and sees me sitting, sees me safe. I don’t know if he even sees the guy. I blink at Rob. He smiles back, then winks and points both hands, like in a cheesy spoof film. He fluffs my hair and wanders off. I look back at my guy. He has got his eyes shut now, nodding to the music. I feel a lot better. I don’t want to miss out on dancing. I wonder if he likes dancing too. I keep looking at him until he opens his eyes again. I say, “I think I’m going to go and dance,” and I gesture in an exaggerated way in the direction of the dance floor. He just looks at me gently with a smile. I slowly get to my feet. I don’t feel at all steady. My belly lurches and I feel like I might be sick, but I just burp. I reach in my pocket and go to light a cigarette realising I haven’t smoked one for a while. I can’t find my lighter. As I’m still standing still near him, I say, “You got a light?” He reaches into his pocket and then lights my cigarette for me. I inhale a few breaths. I start to feel icky again and I want to go outside.

  My steps are wibbly-wobbly, and blind luck leads me there. I have no clue where I’m going. I get outside, too dumb to realise I’m through the door until the cold bites at my arms. My waist hurts, sharp like a needlestick pain. The bouncer steps aside and nods his head in an upward way. I move out a little further. I realise the guy has followed me out. He looks a bit concerned but not really worried, maybe intrigued. I’m more interested in smoking my cigarette and settling my rolling stomach. I finish it with a flick and he offers me his water. I say thanks again. After about twenty minutes of deep breaths of fresh air, more water and two more cigarettes I’m feeling like a different person. We are standing close together, kind of keeping each other warm without touching, almost as if with our energies. He’s wearing light blue, worn out jeans and a dark sweater. We must look like we are friends. I feel like we are, when I don’t really know him at all. I don’t even know his name.

  I look up to see the girl who called me Alana now standing outside too, chatting with a doorman. She looks at me suddenly, takes a breath like she’s shocked and stops talking. I stare back for a split second but the intensity of her cat-like gaze outside in the dark makes me look down. I carry on smoking, looking at the floor. Then I jump, like an electric shock has zapped me, fingers touch my upturned wrist. The blonde’s grip moves down to my palm and tries to take hold of my hand. I notice her short, dirty fingernails and silver bangles for only a moment. Suddenly, her boyfriend comes striding fast out of the club. He carries what looks like a hefty brown jumper and before I can say anything, he takes hold of her other wrist hard. She gasps like he’s hurt her and looks at me with urgency, but gets pulled away into the night. I feel a bit shaken. What a nutnut, grabbing my wrist like that. She was just weird.

  I take my phone from my pocket to see what time is now. 03:28am. There’s also a text from Rob. WERE U?? He can’t spell that well or maybe he just can’t see in the dark. I go back inside, leaving the guy alone smoking a stinky rollup. When I eventually find Rob near the edge of the dance floor, he’s sort of dancing, but barely moving at all. His eyes are shut. I push him and say, “Hey! I would’ve found you twice as fast if you had had your eyes open.”

  “How does that figure?” He says, laughing.

  “Err. You would’ve seen me! Derrr.” I think about telling him what just happened outside and who with but think better of it. It can wait. I’m not rushing anymore. Inside, the whole club seems to have slowed down. I look round. There are some people still dancing all crazy. There are more hardly dancing at all, some completely still. A lot of people are sitting on the stage and round the edge of the floor. There’s one or two completely flat out, like dead men. Occasionally a bouncer will come by and make them get up. I don’t feel like dancing anymore. My head is buzzing. Where did my guy go? Who was that girl outside? What was she doing? She didn’t look high. Why should I care? I should tell Rob. What does it matter? Something tells me I should just shut up and say nothing.

  We go to find Jon. He’s standing near the bar again smoking a cigarette, still with the skinny girl and her friend who looks bored. The Daisy Dukes. I don’t feel jealous anymore. Then I think of Benny. While we’re just standing around I get my phone out. I text him, Sorry, I love you. I don’t mean it, which I know makes it bad, but it makes me feel better. He texts back, “Where u?” It makes me smile. The second guy I have got concerned for my whereabouts. I call him. He answers after about eight rings, maybe too cool to pick up straight away, but maybe he was asleep. “Yeah babe,” he croaks, I think knowing I like the edge in his voice.

  “Hi. I’m missing you.”

  “You in a club?” he says. I’m now too mashup to care if he can hear the background noise.

  “Yeah babe,” I say. “I want to see you tomorrow.”

  “Ok babe, I gotta get back. I got people round.” I think ok. I don’t care if he has or not. I realise all at once my indifference.

  “Ok bye, love you,” I say and he’s gone. I’m looking a little too long at my now silent phone before I realise there’s someone standing next to me. I look up and get fresh snowstorm shivers as the guy is back. I realise we haven’t actually spoken all night. So I say, “Hey… I think, I forgot to say thanks properly earlier, for your help.”

  “It’s no problem,” he replies, with a pretty heavy accent.

  “Sorry,” I say, a little surprised.

  He thinks I haven’t heard him as he leans closer and says it louder, “It’s really no problem,” just confirms it. Oh-my-gosh. My hushed object of affection, my silent natural beauty, my quiet passion, is French. I don’t mind. No really, it’s ok, but I think I liked him more when he didn’t talk. Don’t get me wrong, he’s amazing, and still beautiful, but more amazingly beautiful silent. So I go on, non-verbal. I nod and smile and he nods back and smiles back. Sensible voice in head starts to speak. You can’t be put off someone just because they talk with an accent. The super-fussy part of me answers back, but he’s French... He might eat frogs and horses. Or even snails! Then I start thinking in a new direction, maybe I could teach the shimmering prince to speak a little more south London.

  “I better take your number?” I say blatant as daylight robbery, but then I realise I don’t even know his name, so I ask that too.

  “Etienne.”

  “I’m sorry?”

  “Etienne. Eee-tee-iii-eee-doobell-enn-eee.” he replies. I have never heard this before but I think it suits him. Very French but very beautiful. Maybe I will call him Et. “I was going to ask you the same,” he says. I smile and tell him. “Elle, that’s a French name.”

  I say, “No, it’s Ella. E-l-l-A.” We swap numbers without saying another word.

  We go back to the dance floor. Etienne leads the way and I follow. He holds my hand gently. We stand around in silence smiling shyly at each other. I keep drinking his water. I dance in his direction, touching my hand on his hip. He doesn’t really move that much at all. I go to the ladies and when I come out its Rob, not Etienne that’s waiting outside. Oh God what’s he said to him?

  “We’re going.” He says.

  I don’t see him to say goodbye and feel sad inside.
Rob takes hold of my wrist and walks me away. We get our coats. There is no light when we come out of the club. I say we, it ends up just Rob and me. Rob tells me he left Jon with his girl. Jon gave him his keys. We’re staying at his after all. We don’t brave the walk this time. It’s too cold. We jump in a cab that’s already waiting outside. Rob directs. It’s still the straight road I remember in my hazy state. I look for the chip van but don’t see it. I’m not sure if I’m hungry.

  We are there in no time.

  Outside I see the air mist in front of me. Rob lets us in. I shiver more just stepping through the door. The hall is freezing. The heating is off. The clock on the wall says ten to five. It ticks loudly in the silence, unreal time, not morning or night but some mysterious place in between. There’s a silent dead feel to the house. I feel spooked. Rob goes straight to the couch and crashes. I feel still too high to sleep. I smoke a cigarette to the roach and I don’t know what to do next. I squash up next to Rob, put the tray on my lap, roll a joint, light it up. The tunes go on ever so quietly and only then I start to chill. I must have fallen asleep. I hear someone come in. Footsteps. Rob sleeps next to me. I’m freezing cold.

  “Hey,” I say quietly, as not to wake Rob. No answer. “Hey!” I say again, ever so slightly louder. I put my feet on the cold floor and stand. I walk to the bedroom. It is pitch black except for an orange light low in the corner of the room, like something’s been left on charge. I go to look. I don’t turn the light on.

  “Ella.” I hear, whispered.

  “Who’s that!?” I say running back, switching the light on. There’s no one there. I switch the light back off and I step back quickly to see what Rob wants. He’s asleep, still. I think he must be talking in his sleep. Intrigued I go back to Jon’s bedroom, to check again. I think I see my breath again as I walk in the darkness. By God, it’s cold.

  Then I see her, Ruby, right there, plain as day sitting on the bed. “Ella.” She says in a whisper. I panic. I step back and switch on the light. She’s gone. My heart thumps boom boom boom in my ears. My breathing’s not there. I did not imagine that. I am not tripping. Maybe I am. I go back quickly to be with Rob. Still, he sleeps.

  Wait, now he’s smiling. He looks happy. ‘Ruby’ he mouths. Oh my. This is so weird. Now she’s in him! ‘I love you’ he says, barely audible. And then slow, ‘Ella’. I have no explanation. All that’s right to do is be near him. I bury myself under the soft cream blanket I find on the back of the sofa and I feel warmer. Eventually I find an uneasy sleep but it does not feel like long. Jon comes crashing through the door. The room is now brighter. Rob is still out for the count. I look up, startled. Jon says, “You look like you seen a ghost.”

  “What ghost?” I say, drowsily, “where?” I sit up. Rob is snoring next to me. I look at Jon with contempt. He just smiles, walks in to bathroom, pees loudly, then comes back out.

  “Go back to sleep Skit,” he says, going in to his bedroom and closing the door. I close my eyes, lie back and eventually again, I’m asleep.

  4

  Saturday Starts

  I wake up shivering. Rob’s heavy hand is on my shoulder. He shouts at me, “Get up you lazy bonehead.”

  “Urgghh, no!” I say, eyes shut, “What time is this!?”

  “Come on, let’s go. Get up!”

  “Urrgghh... No, I don’t want to.” I say with one eye open. I shut it. Then I’m already asleep again before I know. I dream of Marcia. She’s dancing with me. It’s silent, enchanting. I can almost feel the touch of her hands. Beautiful Marcia Diaz. A little older than Rob and pretty as hell. Too good really to be a stripper. She always looked a lady. Rob fell in love with her the first time he saw her. They were at a club, well he met her outside. She wore a long green coat with fur trim. Her raven hair all stacked up on her head. Shiny high boots, legs you would kill for. He ended up going there more and more. A sanctuary beneath the railway arches. She smiled a lot then, because of Rob. Maybe a year later, because of Ruby and I like to think sometimes because of me. In my dream we are dancing hand in hand, in spinning circles, faster and faster. Her long hair dizzying in the wind. Her cold eyes look straight through me. Her sharp features are softened by a forced smile. Her peachy pale skin fades to mist as I’m being I shaken awake.

  “GET UP!!!” Rob roars. The blankets are gone, the window is open. I am frozen to the core. I curse him, Die! Die! Without intent. Slowly, I come to and I am awake. Rob has stalked off. I lay on the sofa alone, daring myself to shut my eyes just one more last time. Though now I just have my hoodie for company. Sleep needs warmth. Shaking like Steven, again I hear someone peeing in the bathroom. I don’t know who. Jon or Rob I’m hoping. Not sure if I’m prepared to see a stranger come out and see me in this dishevelled sleep state. The door clicks open and I see a fully dressed Rob wearing yesterday’s clothes. I scrunch up my face and smile broad at him. Sorry. He smiles back. I’m forgiven.

  “You sleep well?” I say. He nods and makes a positive uh-huh noise without opening his mouth. “It’s going to be a good day today. I can feel it.”

  “Sure.” He says. I feel positive. We are going to see Ruby today. Then my stomach lurches as I remember what I saw late last night in the darkness. A chill runs right through me, makes my arm hairs stand on end and I feel a little devil dance down my spine. What if it was her ghost? What if she’s...

  “Nah... Don’t be silly.” I say out loud and Rob looks at me. “We better call Mrs Diaz, hey? Tell her we’re coming,” but this wouldn’t be the real reason for my call.

  “Ok.” Rob says. “What happened to your face?”

  “Oh, it’s nothing. I walked into a door.” I feel embarrassed. I go and use the bathroom, quickly, obviously in need of makeup. When I look in the mirror I see the coin mark still there. Red and angry. I had to lie to Rob. If he knew it was Benny, he would beat him. I’m no fan of violence. Not for something so trivial. Not ever. I think how hurt Rob would be if he found out I lied. I would be devastated if he lied to me. I trust every word he says. I might lose my faith in the world if I couldn’t count on him. I feel bad for lying, so silly me, when I emerge from the bathroom I tell him.

  “Actually... Y’know, Benny threw a coin at me joking about. He thought I’d catch it, but derrr, stupid me, I ducked. It hit me in the face. I never realised he chucked it low.”

  Rob doesn’t make a sound, just looks at the wall. His breathing has changed, like he’s counting. Then he rubs his chin and points at me and says, “If he ever lays a finger on you… Seriously, I mean it, tell me. If I find out otherwise...” He shoves my shoulder hard enough for me to stumble but not quite fall. I know now I can never tell him the whole truth. Nah-uh. I can tell when he means business. He gets this look about him. I can see his soul. I can’t explain it, so intense, every word resonant. I have never known it in anyone else. Maybe I will tell him the truth one day, like the day after his arms and legs fall off.

  I go into the bathroom again to make the call.

  “Hello.”

  “Hello Mrs.Diaz. It’s Ella. How are you?”

  “Ok.” She says with more frost than the Arctic but at least I know nothing’s wrong.

  “We were hoping to come and get Ruby soon. We can be there in a maybe an hour or so.” I say, thinking try and be as flexible as possible.

  “She’s not here.” She says.

  “What!?” I say, hearing perfectly though not understanding. Rob’s weekend turned half-weekend is now turning into no weekend at all. I want an explanation. “What are you talking about?”

  “Ruby’s not here right now.”

  “Marcia? Jamie?”

  “They’re not here either. I’m not expecting them back ‘til tomorrow night.” Tomorrow is Sunday. I’m thinking that’s well and truly the end of the weekend.

  “But it’s Rob’s weekend.” I whine. “She can’t...”

  “Speak to Marcia and...”

  Mrs. Diaz knows all too well Marcia will never speak to us, so I interrupt,
“I would if she answered her fucking phone!” I say very loudly and the line goes dead. Oh shit. Now what am I going to do? I have to tell Rob. Fuck. Then my second fast thought before moving an inch is to redial quickly. She picks up, but says nothing. “I am so sorry, so so sorry Mrs. Diaz. I didn’t mean to be rude,” but in my heart I know the damage is done.

  “Yes and if you hadn’t interrupted me so rudely you would’ve heard me go on to say I should have Ruby by lunchtime. It’s only Jamie and Marcia I’m not expecting back ‘til tomorrow night.”

  “But Mrs. Diaz…” I say. She hasn’t finished

  “…but I’m not letting my granddaughter anywhere near that foul mouth of yours. Not today. You can tell your brother that.” And she hangs up. FUUCCKK!

  There’s no point in redialling again. I’ve blown it well and truly. Rob’s going to kill me. I don’t know what I’m going to say so I think on it. Say nothing for now. I go out into the kitchen and make us a coffee. We drink them sipping quietly. I wash up the red mugs in complete silence. Rob has been staring at me solidly for the past twelve minutes. I’ve watched them all tick by on the clock on the wall while I’ve been drying a single cup. I haven’t said a word. He’s waiting. He’s probably thinking get out of this one. I’m still too scared to talk. “So...?” He says eventually. I chicken. I decide can’t tell him.

  I pretend our chat went well. “I said we’d be there in about an hour or so. She said cool.”

  “She said cool?”

  I can’t believe for a second that my lie is falling apart already so I build on it. “Well, she said fine to be exact. Nothing is ever cool with her.” So I hint at the truth but still way too poulet to let on just yet, or even ever, maybe. I’ll have to play along now until I can somehow scam my way out of this. Rob is making toast. He butters a slice then hands me a plate.