A Little Rain

by Dee Winter

  I can’t tell him. I can’t tell him…The words keep singing around inside my head. It doesn’t help that I feel like a husk this morning, my body a shell without its snail. I make a pot of tea as we’ve now used the last grains of the instant coffee. I light a cigarette, take my plate and go and sit in the lounge just as Jon is coming out of his bedroom.

  “Alright geez,” says Jon.

  “You dirty slag…” Rob replies.

  “Yeah and proud.” Jon says jogging to the bathroom. I quietly wonder if the VD symptoms are already kicking in. I think about my lie again. Maybe I should tell Rob now and have the backup of someone else here so he doesn’t kick the hell out of me. Then I think maybe not as the embarrassment could kill him. His sister fucking up his weekend plans to see his daughter and she boldly tells him exactly how she fucked up in front of his mate. I hold back. Reality is I’m still too scared to breathe a word, happy to cruise along in denial for as long as I possibly can.

  We eat our makeshift breakfast of toast, drink some more tea, smoke more cigarettes and watch some Saturday morning TV. Rob and Jon smoke a couple of spliffs but that’s too much for me at this time in the morning. I busy myself with my makeup. Eventually we say our goodbyes to Jon and make our way outside to Rob’s car. He starts the engine and now I know its time. “I’ve fucked up…” I say and my throat goes tight and a sharp tear starts in the corner of my eye.

  “What now?” he says, with a barely detectable quiver of concern. I can’t answer. My throat is burning and I’m choked up. I know I’m going to cry as soon as I speak. I don’t say anything. “What?!” says Rob again, looking over at me. He can see my tears I think as he looks over. “What is it Skit? Tell me.”

  “I had a bit of a row, with Mrs. Diaz, on the phone just now.”

  “You did? Nothing new there.” He says sounding not remotely concerned. He cannot see the cartoon image of the fuse-lit bomb above his head that I’m about to drop. “Don’t let her get to you.” I start to blub, like a baby.

  “I’ve fucked it today Rob... I’ve fucked it. She won’t let me see Ruby… I think coz I was rude. I think I swore at her.”

  “Fucking hell, what did you say?”

  “Nothing. I didn’t say anything.”

  “You must’ve said something, don’t fuck about.”

  “Only... I just said that Marcia should answer her phone, only I think I swore, and I don’t think she liked the way I said it.”

  “You idiot!” He says with annoyance. “Don’t think crying like a kid’s going to make anything better.”

  “I’m sorry.” It’s not the first time my mouth’s got me into trouble, but not usually like this. “Maybe you should go round there, maybe she’s only pissed off with me, coz I swore.”

  “Of course I’m going round there.”

  “I don’t spose…”

  “No, you don’t suppose you’re coming with me. I’m taking you home. Why don’t you go hang out with your knockabout boyfriend, see if I give a shit.” It’s been a long time since Rob’s been like this. We rarely fall out. I want to just start crying again but I don’t. I sit quietly, holding it in. I don’t make another sound.

  5

  Saturday Later

  Rob drops me home in silence and only gestures to my bag in the back. I take it, and then off he drives, without me. I entirely regret the phone call to Mrs. Diaz. I know if I kept my cool I could have spent the day with them. I just love spending time with Ruby. It’s a bitter punishment to be left out. I think about my alternatives. Call the bar, maybe work a shift, or just go there for a drink. I think no, it’s a Saturday. I could do with the cash but I don’t feel like working today. I’m tired. Maybe I’ll text Benny and see if he wants me. There isn’t anyone else who will. I know for sure today Benny’s not working. He worked last weekend.

  I go back in to the flat to freshen up. I get in the shower to wash the dank smell of stale cigarettes and sweaty club off me and wash the black marks off my feet. I change into a clean tracksuit that still smells of floral-scented fabric conditioner. I wander to the fridge. The milk is off and the white bread has green spots on it. I should go shopping before I do anything but I think if I go to Benny’s I am probably not coming back. I then think I haven’t even spoken to Benny yet. It might still be that I’m in this evening on my own after all. I ring him. He is still in bed. It’s only just midday but I’m pretty sure the noises he was making meant it was ok for me to come over. I get myself ready. I get my usual going out, staying out bag together. The shopping can wait.

  When I get round to Benny’s the door is open. It’s nice to be expected although it is slightly worrying that any old toad could be in there. I get a bit of a shock as just as I’m in the hallway, Benny’s flatmate Tobes is on the way out and almost knocks me flying. “Hey Ella. Can’t stop.” He says rushing past without so much as looking at me.

  “Ok.” I reply, walking on, not bothering to look back either. Benny has his bedroom door locked. I have to knock. Nothing happens. I knock harder and say. “Hey, let me in asshole.” I hear a groan and then some shuffling. He unlocks the door for me and falls straight back into bed. The smell of weed and unwashed bed linen hits me. I don’t bother with conversation. There’s no point talking to him while he’s like this. Even if he hears me he won’t be listening and won’t remember a word, so I just say nothing. I get into bed with him. I warm up to the same temperature before even thinking about taking my socks off.

  We stay in bed for longer than is strictly decent. Benny gets up to pee and when he comes back Tobes strolls into the room with him. I have to move fast to cover my nakedness, else he would see it all, again, and Benny would shout at me, though it would be entirely his fault. Anyway, I am decent, covered.

  “Good morning,” Tobes says, all sarcastic. It’s half past two. I don’t say anything.

  “Wanna go out with Tobes and Demi later?” Benny says.

  “Uh, ok...”

  “Yeah. Go into town. Maybe head up west? Go dancing.” Tobes says.

  “Yeah, ok.” I say, thinking it will hardly measure up to last night and there won’t be any proper dancing. Still, I think it could be fun. Rob’s not going to want me tonight, so I say, “Cool. What sort of time?”

  “Oh, dunno yet... Demi’s out with her mum shopping. I’m gonna pick her up in a bit.” Tobes says.

  “Ok. Cool.” I say. During this brief conversation Benny has rolled and lit a spliff and after drawing on it four times, he hands it to Tobes. Tobes walks off. I look over at him and he’s already started rolling another. “What do you want to do now?”

  “Go back to sleep?” he shrugs. He’s serious.

  “How about we go do some food shopping?” We need to eat lunch, then dinner later. “Maybe get some crisps, bread definitely for toast, and milk for coffee...”

  “Sorry but your on your own sweetie,” he says, lying back down, puffing like a magic dragon. Smoke is starting to engulf the room.

  “Ok, well I’m going to go.” I start brushing my hair and then pull my boots on. I pick up my bag. “Right, I’ll see you in a bit babe, I won’t be long.” I think I’ll be as long as I want.

  “Ah babe... while you’re out, get us some skins and fags. I’ll give you the money later.”

  “Ok.” I say, and quietly curse him after I’ve shut the front door behind me.

  I bus it in to town. I think I’ll have a look round the other shops too before I head back. There’s no hurry. Demi always takes her time so I will take mine. The market is on again. It’s still busy at this hour in the afternoon. I can smell burgers in the cold air. There are lots of papers, golden brown leaves and crisp packets under my feet. I can’t walk about as fast as I want to. Kiddies, dogs, and pushchairs are all getting in my way. Then there’s one old woman, walking in front of me, who all of a sudden comes to a dead stop. Bang! It’s all I can do to stop crashing straight into her.

  I go into the shopping centre where it’s a little more subdue
d and calm. Panpipe music plays. Still its busy enough I think to steal something. I feel a bit chicken but it’s so tempting. I test my luck in the chemist. I slip a black mascara up my sleeve and as I leave I pay for a chocolate bar. The dark security guard looks at me as I leave. I just smile, all teeth and blush. He smiles back. Sucker. I check out some CDs in the music shop nearby but they got wise. I have only been here once since it opened. I got away with it then and I’m thinking I can again but I have intuition. I think they were waiting for my comeback. The guard has walked past me twice. Like I’m going to steal the empty box I’m looking at. So I dash out of the shop just for the hell, with nothing, just to make them think, did she? I like running but it looks bad in a shopping centre so I stop, take a breath, slow my heartbeat. Smile.

  In the next clothes shop where banging dance music plays, I see a sexy little vest top I could wear tonight. £16. No tag. If I can get it under my coat it’s free. But, I haven’t stolen anything big like this for a while. It’s hot in the shop. I puff the air out of my cheeks like I’m feeling the heat. I take my jacket off and hang it over my arm. There are lots of people bustling round me. There’s a security guard too but he’s looking the other way. When I’m sure no eyes are on me I slip it under my jacket. Now be cool. I concentrate on looking normal but feel anything but. Cheeks warming, pulse jumping, heart a flutter. I look at a red hot mini-dress that I would wear if only I had a place to wear it to. Then I see some baby blue pedal pushers, sweet, soft, not really me. Then a pair of bright pink jeans that I would make a real statement in but they are just too expensive and tagged. All the time my heart’s beating faster and my face is getting hotter. I think enough is enough and I walk out. My heart is pounding as I go out the door and I anticipate an alarm going off or a hand clamping down on my shoulder. But nothing. I calm a little but still a buzz with excitement. I head straight to the toilets to tear out the labels then hide it on me, tucking it round my belly into my waistband. Before I do this, I try it on. It’s a little bit big, a bit baggy. But it is very pretty and a shiny stretchy plum, with lace down the centre and thin spaghetti straps that fall off my shoulder. I think about whether I have the nerve to take it back and try to exchange it. I think no, absolutely not. I’ve tested my luck enough for one day. That’s me done. But I can see the reason why people get addicted to this kind of thing. It’s a drug-free high, but still illegal. I love danger and I of all people, with the most addictive personality could easily be getting hooked on something like this. It’s the fear in me that stops it. I am scared of getting caught. It would upset my mum just too much. She thinks I’m gold. Her buttercup. I’m not a dirty thief, that’s for sure. She thinks of thieves like scum, all the same. I think there are subtle differences. People who burgle homes yeah scum outright, but grafting from a big brand department store or eating sweets from the pick and mix, surely that’s a different thing.

  I skip around the shopping centre with a smile so broad I can barely keep myself from laughing. But I do. I don’t want people to think I’ve escaped from a nuthouse. I’d probably end up arrested anyway. I look in a few more shops. I see some silly flower power rings and jangly bangles in one, and then some beautiful but expensive diamond rings I could never ever afford in a hot lit window. Eventually I feel I’m done and I head to the mini-market to get the shopping I set out for. I hope a basket will be big enough. The light is incredibly bright. I feel fluorescent and hot, especially with the stolen goods, like a built-in hot water bottle round my belly. I quickly get a loaf of white bread, two pints of milk, four packets of plain crisps, six eggs, a pack of bacon, tin of beans, a litre of orange juice, one box of chocolate finger biscuits, one packet of custard creams, a family-sized bar of chocolate, cigarettes and spearmint gum. Then I remember to go back in to get Benny’s rolling papers.

  When I get back to the flat I hear Benny talking loud on his phone. I listen in as I pack stuff away in the kitchen and wash up a few cups and bowls in the sink. I think it must be Tobes. Then Benny starts talking all koochi-coo. He must be talking to Demi. I don’t get jealous. I don’t care. I would never tell Benny this, but I don’t really Love him. I love him, sort of, for company, for sex, but if I found out he was cheating, I wouldn’t really care. A part of me would be hurt but I would be more worried what I might catch. I would never ever tell him some of the things I get up to, Jon, for example. I think Benny wouldn’t tell me everything he’s up to. Maybe we’re making fools of each other but somehow it works. I think there must be a lot of couples like us. I don’t know. I’ve never truly felt what being in Love is like, because I think I’d know if I was, and I think I’d be afraid.

  He appears. Plans are changed. He was talking to Tobes who’s now at Demi’s house. She lives at home. Her parents like Tobes. He’s the same age as Benny. I don’t think my mum likes Benny. He doesn’t say he likes her. Benny and Tobes are different. When together they act kind of the same but when they’re apart I know that Tobes can be soft as a teddy bear. Demi has told me this. The rude boy act never falls away with Benny. It’s part of who he is. He was born with his hood up.

  We’re going to meet them outside the cinema. I ask if they have booked tickets, he says no. I say it’s a long way to go and not get in. He says we will get in, sneak in the fire door if we have to. Typical. He was probably planning on doing that anyway. Cinema is not cheap what with ticket, popcorn, drink. You’re looking at a tenner at least. And then I will probably want a bag of chocolates or nachos or a chilli-dog. The last time I went to the cinema I dropped my whole popcorn bucket. It just fell out of my hand and rolled on the floor. I had to buy another one. They were having none of it when I said they should give me another for free. I said it was their dodgy floor I tripped on in the dark. They said cinemas are dark. I was annoyed and Benny was nowhere to be seen so I ended up paying again. Tonight I will make Benny hold the popcorn so if it gets dropped he can pay.

  Meanwhile, Benny is rolling spliffs to take in with us. “You can’t smoke going in the cinema!” I say.

  “Yeah obviously, I ain’t gonna smoke going in there… Maybe when we’re inside though...” He cackles like a witch. I don’t think he’s funny but I smile at him and give him a playful shove. I take one of the joints he’s already rolled from behind his ear and spark up. It tastes like dirt. Nowhere near as fresh as what we were smoking last night. I don’t tell Benny this. It’ll do. So with our jackets on and hoods up we head out in the misty rain to catch a train into the city. I buy a ticket. Benny will jump the barrier. I can’t be bothered to have a go at him anymore. It’s his deal if the ticket inspectors get him. He never pays the fine, says he forgot his wallet, gives a false address. When I’m there too, they look at me. I stare up into to the air. I don’t know him. I used to moan but my breath would get wasted. I resigned myself just not to care. That was ages ago, maybe a few months after we first got together.

  Benny smokes a cigarette on the train, trying to go unnoticed with a window open, but when more people get on I make him put it out. He then pulls out a can of beer from his pocket. I can’t really disapprove of his drinking. I drink as much as him. I still feel a bit ropey. I haven’t quite shaken off the last cobwebs of my comedown. I will probably have a drink later. The rest of the train ride is uneventful. Benny tells me about someone who owes him money who he might go round to and knock on their door later tonight. I say I won’t be coming with him. He says if Tobes and Demi go, then I would have to come. I say I doubt very much Demi would want to go and do that and if she won’t then Tobes won’t.

  When we come out of the station Benny immediately lights up a spliff. He seems in a generous mood as he takes two tokes and gives it to me. I take several before giving it back and say that he can finish it. When we get outside the cinema there are a lot of people. Tobes and Demi are nowhere to be seen. It’s quite cold now and that definite winter chill is everywhere in the air. I want to be inside now. “I hope they hurry up.” I say. Benny huffs whilst shrugging his shoulders,
his hands deep in his pockets. My silent prayer to be inside is soon answered as I see them approach smiling broadly, arm-in-arm. A spark ignites in Benny that makes him slap handshake Tobes and kiss Demi on the lips as he puts his arm round her. This gets on my nerves. Demi just giggles. I give Tobes a big hug and kiss him on the cheek, close to his lips, but not quite hitting the mark. The plan works. Benny says, “Easy!” looking bothered. I hug and kiss Demi too, the same way just to make a point that Benny made a fuss about nothing.

  “So what are we seeing?” says Demi quietly. The boys have already agreed over the phone on some fast car, gun fighting, action racket that’ll make my ears hurt. Demi I think is a bit perplexed. She tells me she had her heart set on seeing Brad Pitt. I join the snaking queue to buy tickets. The line is slow. I watch over intently at the people who have reached the windows. Some are taking ages. Maybe they’re the sort of people who do their deciding when they get to the front of the queue. Like the people at the supermarket checkout, who don’t reach for their wallet until the lady tells them the total, like it’s a surprise they have to pay.

  Benny and Tobes wait outside. Demi too but she doesn’t even smoke. This gets on my nerves a bit too as it means I stand on my own. I don’t let the little bubbles of resentment bite. They are not going to spoil my night. If she were standing here with me we’d probably just be talking about Tobes. It makes me think I like being independent. I become next in line as the two ladies in front of me move forward together. I can hardly believe my eyes as some middle-aged bald man wearing glasses has appeared from out of nowhere and pushed in in front of me. “Excuse me!” I say loudly and quite a few people turn to look. He looks back at me blankly, then turns his back to me. Rage rapidly spawns from my toes to my cheeks in a split second. I know I’m going to cause a scene. I don’t care. Nothing starts hot fire in my soul more than some crazy fool like this. He had his chance to step back and queue, but no.