Irresistible Fear

by A. Meredith Walters

  “Psh, so pathetic” Sasha smirked, moving past her to their usual seats on the other side of the room. Emily turned her back on Jeremy and Liz and followed Sasha to her seat.

  Yeah, every school had one. The pretty, popular girl that reveled in making other females' lives a living hell. Liz was all that in spades. Perfect chestnut brown hair, tiny little waist, double D breasts. In other words, the teenage incarnate of the devil. And of course Emily and Liz hated each other. It had been ingrained since Kindergarten.

  “Do you think he likes her?” Sasha asked, leaning on Emily desk, clearly eager to gossip. Emily began taking her notebook and textbook out of her book bag. Emily gave the pair a disinterested look. Jeremy looked freaked out as Liz leaned in closely to talk to him. She had pulled her desk so close to his that she was practically in his lap. The only emotion she felt about it was annoyance and more than a little pity for Jeremy, who had sadly become Liz's latest target.

  But knowing Jeremy as well as she did, Emily was sure the attention would make him completely uncomfortable. Jeremy was affable and good looking and more than a little socially awkward, but not normally in Liz Clindenst’s orbit. But seeing as she had already made short work of the entire football team, she was looking elsewhere for fresh meat.

  Emily almost chuckled at Liz's attempts at flirting. Jeremy was so uptight when it came to that sort of thing and his face was beat red. He looked as if he wanted to crawl out of his desk and run out of the room. Poor guy.

  “Um, I think it’s safe to say he isn’t interested.” Emily said, jerking her thumb in their direction. Sasha covered her mouth to hide her laughter. “Oh that’s just sad.” Sasha shook her head and turned back in her seat. “He can do a lot better than Liz perfect tits Clindenst. That girl is a barracuda.” Emily said with disgust, writing down today’s assignment.

  Mr. Miller finally entered the classroom, only ten minutes after the bell today, a handful of loose papers falling in his wake. Emily got up out of her seat and collected the items for him. She laid them on her teacher’s desk. Mr. Miller pushed up his tortoise shell glasses and gave her a distracted smile. “Thanks Erica.” Mr. Miller never got her name right. “Uh, it’s Emily, Mr. Miller. Emily Hilbright.”

  Emily felt like she had this conversation with Mr. Miller at least once a week and she had already been in school for over a month. “Oh right. Sorry Emily, now please have a seat.” Mr. Miller busily pushed the papers into a pile on his overcrowded desk. Emily sat back down and waited for him to start today’s lesson.

  “Well at least he’s wearing the same color socks today.” Sasha whispered. Emily took in her teacher’s befuddled appearance. Mr. Miller was in his mid-forties and always looked as if he had closed his eyes and picked out his clothes. Nothing ever matched and his shirt tail always hung out the front of his pants.

  Emily felt somewhat sorry for him. He was a bachelor and it was rumored that he still lived with his parents. He was a depressing sort of character and one that was easily preyed on by the teenagers in his class. So Emily usually made an effort at being nice to him. Even if he called her Erica.

  “Okay. Okay. Everyone quiet down and please turn to page 211. Today we’re going to start reading Paradise Lost by John Milton.” There was a collective groan and the sound of pages being flipped.

  Emily chanced a look back at Jeremy again. He met her eyes and rolled his upwards. Emily couldn't help but grin at him, feeling good at being able to do so without the weirdness. Jeremy smiled in return but quickly looked away. Feeling bad, yet again, Emily looked back toward her teacher. Teen angst was so trite and ridiculous.

  She concentrated on the lesson and even answered a few questions. After class she made an excuse to Sasha and walked down the hallway. She ducked out the door and made her way into the side courtyard. Emily sat down under a large maple tree that grew in the middle of the circle of stone benches. She really just needed a moment to herself.

  Emily had a hard time being around so many people, even if they were people she had known most her life. Sasha joked that she was agoraphobic and Emily often wondered if she wasn't right about that.

  Emily gently pulled her camera out of her book bag and began taking pictures of the grass by her feet; focusing in on the small wildflowers hanging onto life in the face of the approaching winter. She really liked taking pictures of nature. It felt good to focus on anything than what was really going on in her pathetic life.

  God she was tired. Sasha was right. She really needed to see someone about what was going on with her. Emily hated to admit it but it worried her a lot. She knew something was off with her and the bad dreams. Of course her hypochondriac mind jumped to thoughts of a brain tumor or something equally horrifying.

  “Hey you! You’ll be late for Chem. Come on. You’ll have time for pictures later.” Sasha's voice broke through her morbid thoughts. Emily blinked and quickly capped her camera, shoving it back into its case. Sasha pulled on her hand and Emily stood up. “How can you sit out here? It's freaking freezing!” Sasha rubbed her arms. Emily hadn't even realized that the temperature had dropped considerably since arriving to school that morning. Looking at the sky she wondered if they might get their first snow.

  “I will follow you my fearless leader.” Emily said, picking her book bag up off of the ground. Sasha saluted her and made toward the door. “This way then.” Emily laughed and returned to the chaos of high school.

  Chapter 2

  Another day over and Emily couldn’t be happier. The hallways of her high school were suffocating. “What do ya wanna do?” Sasha asked her, walking backwards. Emily was waiting for her to trip and fall over. “I don’t really care. I don’t have to work until 4:30, so we can just hang out if you want.”

  Sasha smirked. “Busted...I knew you were making excuses to Jeremy.” She pointed at her in mock accusation. Emily shrugged. “Well since we have so much time, I say we cross state lines for something mind altering and completely illegal, then rob a convenience store before high jacking a convertible to head to the beach.” Sasha clapped her hands together in feigned deviousness. “Well, when you put it like that....how can I refuse?” Emily joked back, opening the side of the truck and hopping in.

  Sasha started up the engine and joined the line of cars waiting to leave the school. “I don't know that seems a lot of work for an afternoon, and I am starving! So let's rain check on the mayhem and go get a pastry and a coffee. I know there’s got to be something fattening that is just calling my name.” “Much safer choice I think.” Emily responded, nodding very seriously. Sasha's mood changed on a dime and she became absurdly gleeful. “And we’ve got to have something resembling cake to celebrate this most holy of days…the birth of my dear friend Emily.” Sasha clapped in giddy excitement. Sasha became as excited about sweets the way Emily became excited over her pictures. If eating was an art form then it was one that she spent a good deal of time perfecting.

  Though you’d never know it to look at her. “I don’t know how you can eat the junk that you do and not balloon up to 300 lbs.” Emily grumbled. Sasha flourished her hands. “Genes my friend, it’s all in the genes.” Emily snorted. She never had the luxury of gorging on candy and junk food. Her genes had made it impossible for her to eat anything without gaining five pounds.

  Sasha pulled up in front of “Sue’s Café” and the two girls hurriedly went inside. “Man it’s getting way too cold. What happened to summer?” Sasha complained. They occupied a booth near the window a short time later. Emily nibbled on a slice of carrot cake that Sasha insisted she eat. “It’s your birthday! You have to have cake on your birthday.” Sasha was unyielding and despite Emily’s protests, she ended up with a ridiculously large slice in front of her.

  “Stop looking at it and eat it for cripes sake.” Sasha poked her fork into the icing and licked it off. “Geesh. You are a Nazi.” Emily conceded and took a bite. “How’s your birthday been? On a scale of one to ten?” Sasha asked blowing steam from her Grande Mo
cha, heavy on the mocha. “It hasn’t been too bad actually. Limited contact with my mother is a definite plus. So all in all, I give it a solid 7.5”

  “It’s just too bad you have to work or you could have dinner at my house or something.” Sasha remarked. “I don’t mind working. Kurt offered me the day off but I really need the extra cash. I’m never going to move out of my house without saving up some serious money.” Emily wiped crumbs from her fingers. She worked part time after school as a tour guide at the local underground caverns. A strange job choice for someone who had an admitted fear of the dark, but she actually enjoyed going underground. The ancient rock and deep silence strangely soothing.

  “Are you going to the open house at the community college this weekend?” Sasha asked, changing the subject suddenly. Sasha had been on her to at least think about taking classes in the fall. Sasha would be enrolling as well and made no secret of the fact that Emily needed to start thinking more about her future. When Emily thought of college, her mind immedialty went to dollar signs. Her first priority was to get out of the house she shared with her mother. All other plans were secondary.

  It’s not that she didn’t want to go to school but when she thought about the money required to attend, she felt a little nauseous. Sasha couldn’t really understand this argument. It wasn't as if Sasha's parents were loaded by any means, but their only daughter never went without, that's for sure.

  “I see that look on your face. Stop being so negative. You’ll never know if you can do it unless you at least check it out first. Just tag along, I want the company.” Sasha stated, her enthusiasm infectious. Emily sighed, knowing she was going to cave. She had a hard time saying no to Sasha. Sasha grinned, seeing Emily weakening.

  With a mouth full of the unfortunately delicious cake, Emily glanced at her watch. “Crap, I’ve gotta go. Can you drop me off at work?” Sasha wiped invisible crumbs from her lap. “Try swallowing, then talking please.” Emily smacked her arm. Sasha laughed. “Sure, just let me get a box of cookies to take home.” “You’ve got to be kidding me! You just ate like four.” Sasha rubbed her stomach. “And they were de-li-cious.” Emily just shook her head and waited by the door.

  She really wished she had taken the day off when Kurt, her boss, offered. She would have liked nothing better than to spend the evening at the Reynolds' house. Sasha’s mom and dad had become surrogate parents and Emily felt more relaxed and comfortable there then she did anywhere else.

  But her logical mind always won out. She knew she needed the money. While she knew she was saving for her ultimate goal, that unrealized apartment, she knew the real reason she worked her butt off. And it had more to do with the fact that she never knew if her mom had enough money to support them. So, she was often relied on as the bread winner. Emily was often anxious about whether she would come home to find their electricity cut off or a foreclosure notice on the front door.

  Sasha walked to the door, already picking at the cookies in the box. Emily swatted at her hand. “Your mom will kill you if you don’t eat dinner.” Sasha licked the icing off her finger. “I know. But I’ll just offer her a cookie and she’ll forgive me.” Sasha danced to her car, holding the box over her head. Emily laughed in spite of herself and ran after her.

  Once buckled in, Emily felt an exhaustion that was bone deep. She laid her head back on the seat and closed her eyes. Her head was pounding and she felt as if she could sleep for a week. “Dude, wake up. You are absolutely the worst company lately.” Emily opened one eye. “Sorry. Just taking a quick cat nap.” “Just don't snore please.” Sasha teased, but didn't say anything else about it.

  Emily must have nodded off because it felt like only thirty seconds later and Sasha was pulling up out front of the large glass door that served as the entrance to Deep River Caverns. “At least you didn't drool on the upholstery” Sasha kidded as Emily got out of the car. “Thanks.” Emily replied dryly. Sasha wiggled her fingers out of the window and drove away.

  Emily walked inside, pulling her employee badge out of her book bag and slipped the lanyard over her head. “Hey Emily!” Ava called from behind the gift counter. “Hey Ava. Any tours lined up for the afternoon.” Emily secretly hoped there weren’t any.

  “Yeah, you have two back to back. Bus groups from Canada.” Emily and Ava groaned simultaneously and then laughed. Ava pulled her dark hair back into a pony tail. “Happy Birthday by the way. Bummer you have to work. Kurt didn’t let you take off?” “I told him I wanted to work, it was my call.” Ava looked at her like she was crazy but just shrugged. Ava was gorgeous, the type of girl that made you want to hate her, if she wasn’t so nice. Ava went to high school in the next town over but they had formed an easy friendship when the two started working together last summer.

  “Put your game face on girls, the first bus just pulled up.” Kurt bustled in clapping his hands and giving off the air of someone who was perpetually busy. Though he never seemed to do much more than wander around frantically barking orders. Kurt’s thinning hair stood on end and his face was flushed as if he had just run around the building. Emily had a love/hate relationship with her boss. He was a good guy but he was extremely high strung and anxious, which was grating after about five minutes.

  “Ava, get your blazer on. What are you doing? You've been here for twenty minutes already. Emily, come on, get to the front of the store. Chop, chop Emily! This is a pretty big group, mostly seniors, so be that perky little thing I know you can be.” Ava rolled her eyes but ran to the back and pulled on her maroon blazer with the Deep River Caverns logo embroderied on the pocket. The small gift shop was soon filled with the drone of voices.

  The rest of the evening passed in a blur. The tours lasted around forty-five mintues each. Every time she walked into the elevator to take the trip down twelve stories, she felt such a rush. The experience of waiting for the doors to open was surreal. It felt as if she were entering another world. Perhaps that’s why this job was so appealing. The caves were beautiful. Different colored lights cast their glistening glow on the wall. The sound of dripping water echoed ahead of her. Everyone always took an immediate hushed tone once they entered the cavern. It was the effect of being in such an amazing place. These stones had been here for millions of years and would be for millions more. It made her feel very small in the grand scheme of things.

  Her shift went quickly. Her groups were great, thank god. Very polite and thoroughly appreciating her knowledge and patience at their endless questions. The groups screamed predictably at the point in the tour when she would turn off the lights and they were thrown into pitch black darkness. She had to admit that this part was pretty freaky. She wouldn’t allow herself to think about being trapped under here without the lights on. They had a couple of power outages since she had worked there. Another tour guide had been down in the caverns with a small group during a lightning storm. The storm knocked out the power and even though there were backup generators, they only powered dim lights along the walkways. The guide had been visibly shaken when she had gotten back up into the store.

  At the end of the evening, she counted up her tips, an impressive haul for three hours of work. She got a ride home with Ava who dropped her off a street over. Very few people actually knew where Emily lived. She was too embarrassed by the sorry state of her once beautiful home. Her mom had let it fall into a horrible state of disrepair. Emily remembered when her mom and dad bought the house. Back, before her day had taken off and her life had a semblance of normalcy.

  It had been the most amazing house Emily, in her impressionable four year old mind, had ever seen. But that was a life time ago. Now, her dad was gone, her mom was a barely functioning alcoholic and she was just sad and depressed.

  Sasha was the only one that had ever been inside. Plus, the last thing she needed was for her mother to make a dramatically horrible entrance. She had been the subject of enough gossip in her seventeen years, she tried to limit the collateral damage as much as possible.

  It was
already dark outside when she walked up to her house. The familiar sense of dread flooded her stomach as she prepared herself for whatever scene would greet her once she opened the door. It looked as if every light was on down stairs. The front door was slightly ajar. She slowly made her way up the walk and pushed open the door. There were two strange men sitting on the couch in the living room. One leered at her suggestively. She scrambled up the stairs.

  As she made her way to her room a hand shot out and grabbed her arm. “Where the hell have you been?” Her mother slurred. She was dressed in a short mini skirt and a blouse with a plunging neckline. In other words, she had been to a bar and picked up the shady characters that now occupied her living room.

  “I had to work mom. Now I’m going to do my homework and go to bed if you don’t mind.” Her mom viciously yanked on her sleeve. “Don’t you give me none of your lip. I need to know where you are. I’m your god damn mother!” Her mother yelled into her face. Great, this was going to take awhile. She was exhausted and her head thrummed with a now constant ache. She knew her next actions were wrong, but she was at her breaking point. She shoved her mom against the wall and yelled back, “Just leave me the hell alone!” She ran to her room and locked the pad lock she had installed on the otherside. Her mom followed her, banging on the door and screaming at her through the wood.

  “Just go away mom.” She whispered tiredly. Her mom then began throwing things at her closed bedroom door, yelling and cursing the entire time. Emily sat on her bed and waited for her mom to tire of this game and go downstairs. Like clockwork, her mom quit after ten minutes and she heard her walk back down the hallway and down the stairs. After a few more minutes the front door slammed shut. Emily again waited a good twenty minutes and then snuck down stairs. It looked as if her mom and her “friends” had left. She quickly locked the front door, knowing her mother wouldn’t be back home tonight.