Irresistible Fear

by A. Meredith Walters

  She made the rounds as she did every night, locking the windows and checking closets and rooms. It might seem paranoid but Emily didn’t live in the best neighborhood and there was no way she could stay home by her self without the assurance that there was no one lurking in the hallway closet.

  After she felt sure of the fact she was alone, she walked back upstairs and turned on some music. She really needed to finish her homework, but she was too tired to concentrate. She knew her grades had been slipping significantly as of late. She once prided herself on her A’s but lately she couldn’t muster up more than a C in most of her classes. She tried to blame it on the fact that she was barely sleeping, but if she was honest with herself, her motivation was gone. Her priorities rested more on staying sane and getting away from her mom.

  Sasha was right though, she needed to see a doctor. She pulled the phone book out of her desk drawer and thumbed through the yellow pages, finding Dr. Hammond's phone number. She wrote down the number and shoved the scrap of paper into her book bag. She swore to herself she would make an appointment tomorrow.

  She laid back on her bed and stared at her ceiling. The drywall was cracked and yellowed with age. She remembered when her father was still there. Their house had been lovely. Her mom used to plant flowers in the garden and kept the cabinets stocked with all of her favorite foods. This was before mom began drinking and her father left her to deal with the fall out alone. She had no idea where her dad was. She received a card every now and then for Christmas or on her birthday but they were sporadic. She hadn’t received one this year and she really didn’t know if her father was alive or dead. She found that the thought of her father still caused a pang. The rejection, pain and loss were still present after all this time.

  She curled up on her side, bringing her knees up to her chest. As her eyes drifted closed she thought to herself “Maybe I won’t dream.” But even as she slipped into the void of sleep, she knew she wouldn't be that lucky.

  Chapter 3

  Snap. Snap. Snap. Emily focused her camera on the tangled limbs of an enormous willow tree. Snap. The wind blew the elongated leaves to the ground and she peered over the lens, looking for that perfect shot. She was trying desperately to forget about the nightmare that had plagued her sleep. Once again, she had dreamed of awful image after awful image. She wished that she could forget about them once she woke up, but these dreams didn’t work that way.

  She angled her camera slightly, taking another picture. Last night she had dreamed of her mother. Her mother mutilating her as she screamed for help. Yep, it didn't take Dr. Freud to figure out the basis for that one. She had woken from it drenched in sweat and when she thought of it now, her heart rate picked up and she felt fluttery inside.

  Shaking her head, she focused on her teacher, whose soft voice drifted from between the trees. “Okay guys, pay attention to the shadows and the movement of the light. I want you to find something that is a perfect blend of light and dark.” The art teacher, Mrs. Au, called from across the front lawn. It was after school and Emily and a group of ten other kids were wandering around the grounds snapping photographs.

  Emily loved the photography club. Mrs. Au was very artsy and loved to dress the part. She wore vibrant colors and a super cheesy beret. She didn't hold the beret part against her though. Emily loved Mrs. Au and when she had approached Emily after seeing a photograph she submitted for her freshman art class, she had suggested she join the fledgling photography club.

  In the beginning there had only been Emily and one other girl, Abigail Spencer. But a year later there were now ten of them that gathered in Mrs. Au’s art room every other Thursday afternoon. It was nice to feel a part of something.

  Emily laid herself underneath the swaying branches and pointed her camera upwards, seeing glimpses of the sky between the intertwined wood. Emily felt so relaxed laying there, her camera firmly gripped in her hands. She lived for moments like this, just she and her camera. There were times when she thought she’d be happy with just that.

  She tried not to mire herself down in thoughts of what waited for her when she got home. Her life was not something that inspired much creativity. Photography allowed her to forget all that, even if only for a moment. Sasha laughed at her, calling her a photo junkie. And Emily always laughed with her, agreeing that at times it bordered on obsession. But there were times when her camera was all that kept her sane. Having that passion, this escape, this need to capture something as random as a sliver of light on a fallen leaf is what made it possible to put one foot in front of the other.

  Emily heard a rustle of leaves and a whoosh of warm air as Mrs. Au settled onto the ground beside her. Her teacher looked up at the sky and was quiet. Emily continued to take pictures, not bothered to fill the silence with useless chit chat like most people. “I’m sure this will be a very pretty picture Emily.” Mrs. Au said.

  Snap. Emily took another picture from a different angle. Something about Mrs. Au’s tone bothered her. “Yeah. I like the way the sky becomes the backdrop for the leaves. It kind of reminds me of fingers reaching out you know?” Emily pointed up to the drifting branches. Mrs. Au cocked her head and peered above her.

  “Hmm. Yes. I can see that. But I do wonder Emily why you don’t branch out a bit.” She chuckled at her pun. Emily stood up abruptly and brushed the grass from her pants. Mrs. Au took her time to follow her, watching Emily the entire time. “What do you mean?” Emily asked, making as if to clean her camera, trying to avoid whatever conversation Mrs. Au seemed determined to begin with her.

  “Emily, you are a gifted photographer. I saw that the first time you submitted a picture for my class. But you kind of…how do I say this…play it safe. I’ve never seen you go outside of your box, of trying something beyond your experience.”

  Emily put her camera away and picked up her book bag. This perfect afternoon suddenly ruined. “Well, I like taking pictures of nature. I find it really soothing and besides, isn’t this supposed to be my vision?” Emily couldn’t keep the defensiveness out of her voice.

  Mrs. Au placed a ring decked hand on top of hers'. “Emily I meant no disrespect. Like I said you are truly gifted. I just would like to see you try your hand at other types of photography; maybe you would find your vision there as well.” Emily pulled her hand away. “Hmm. Maybe.” Emily didn’t want to discuss her vision right now. She needed to get home and eat before her mother did. If she could avoid a scene then maybe she would actually be able to get her homework done for once.

  Mrs. Au saw Emily’s obvious attempt to leave. “I didn’t mean to upset you Emily and clearly I did. I apologize. Have you decided if you are going to come on the trip to Pinnacle Rock State Park? I think it would be a great opportunity for you to try some new techniques.” Emily shuffled her feet. She desperately wanted to go on the day trip to the park.

  She remembered going there once as a child with her dad and she remembered how amazing it was there. But she needed her mother’s signature to go and she needed $50 to cover the gas costs. There was just no way she could afford that while she was trying to save everything she earned. Plus, she didn’t like talking to her mother about anything, particularly if it dealt with something that was important to her.

  “Um, I really don’t think I’ll be able to go.” Emily could hear the longing in her voice and Mrs. Au caught it as well. Her kind face smiled. “Emily, if it’s the money you’re worried about, we can cover the cost.” Emily tightened. The last thing she wanted was to be some sort of charity case. She knew pride didn’t get you anywhere, but if she couldn’t pay for herself, she didn’t want to go at all. The last thing she wanted was to be like her mother, who thought nothing of doing god knows what to earn a few bucks. She didn’t expect Mrs. Au to understand that though and she had no desire to explain it either.

  “No, that’s not it. I just um…have to work that weekend.” Emily interjected quickly. “Oh.” Mrs. Au responded, clearly disappointed. “Well we’ll certainly miss you. B
ut if you change your mind you have until the 14th to hand in your permission slip and money.” Mrs. Au was being flagged down by two other students. Emily stood there for an endless minute, camera dangling from her hand, torn between staying and taking a few more shots or getting the hell out of there.

  Her need for flight won out in the end and she made her way across the courtyard, waving to her classmates as she left. Emily felt herself sweating despite the cool air. She was feeling really run down today.

  Her nightmares were so intense that they seemed to follow her all day long. It was like they were eating her alive and she was slowly losing all touch with reality. Her days were spent in a fog and she knew people were beginning to notice. Sasha’s looks were becoming more pointed and even Mr. Miller was giving her pitying glances during class. She knew she was bad if her hapless English teacher was feeling sorry for her.

  Emily was used to the pity, and she hated it. Her mom was pretty notorious around Black Briar and anyone that had lived there longer than a year became quickly familiar with her presence. Her mom was a frequent inhabitant of the local drunk tank and unfortunately several of the sheriff deputies had kids in her grade. Lucy Blankenship's father worked the 2nd shift for the police department and was often on hand to haul her mother into jail for one of her many charges of Public Intoxication. Lucy was a junior and in the photography club with her, making avoiding her generally impossible. The sympathetic looks she would send her way after one of her mother’s drunken episodes pissed her off to no end. Sure Lucy was a nice enough girl, but she didn't need anyone's pity.

  Emily was so tempted to tell everyone where they could shove their pointed looks but she bit her tongue. And of course there was Sasha, who often handled the issue before she had to. Sasha had chewed out people on more than one occasion for gossiping about her mother. The friends rarely discussed her mom, Sasha knowing instinctively that it was a topic best left alone. But Sasha was her staunchest ally and Emily, even though she was more than able to fight her own battles, sometimes let Sasha fight for her.

  Emily kicked at the gravel in her path as she slowly made her way down the side walk. Beep, beep. A car’s horn blasted behind her, making her jump. “Sorry Em.” Emily heard a deep voice call behind her. She smiled despite herself and turned to see Jeremy’s Land Rover behind her.

  “I’ve been calling your name for at least a minute, didn’t know if I was being ignored or you really didn’t hear me. So I resorted to the horn. Sorry.” His crooked grin was a welcome sight and despite Emily’s recent resolve to put some distance between them, she felt her feet moving towards his car. It was so hard to stay away from someone who genuinely made her feel good. And Jeremy was one of those people. His ready smile elicited an answering one from her.

  “What’s going on in that head of yours Em? Those must be some serious thoughts.” He leaned his arm out the window and cocked his head in a way she had always found adorable. He knew it of course and his grin deepened. “Yeah, just left photography club. Just thinking about some pictures I want to take.” She taped her camera that still dangled from her hand.

  “I told you if you ever need a model…” Jeremy struck a pose. “I’d volunteer for the job.” Emily laughed. “I’m sure you would.” She swatted at his arm and he ducked away from her. “So do you want a ride or what?” Emily heard the doors inside his car click as he unlocked them.

  She stood there, not sure what to do. Any time she spent time with Jeremy, invariably made their relationship that more complicated. But this was just a ride home. What could it hurt? Besides she could use the company to get away from her edgy thoughts.

  “Sure.” She moved around to the passenger door and got in. Jeremy slid his sunglasses back onto his face and began to drive down the street. He tapped his steering wheel in time to the music blaring from his radio. Emily winced at the volume but didn’t say anything.

  After a few moments Jeremy turned the radio down. “So are you going to come to my Halloween party this year?” He asked, not looking at her. Emily glanced at him. He seemed tense and she had no clue as to why. “Well, I’d planned on it. I’ve come every year haven’t I?” Before they had dated they had been friends and Emily had every hope that they could continue that way.

  Jeremy shrugged. “I don’t know, just with the way things have been between us…I didn’t think you’d want to.” Emily could hear the hurt in his voice and she hated to be the cause of it. She really wished she had declined the offer of a ride. The last thing she wanted right now was to hash out the state of their relationship. Unfortunately Emily played coward when it came to dealing with feelings. She’d rather hide and pretend that they didn’t exist.

  “Jeremy. We're friends. We’ve always been friends. So, of course I won’t miss your party.” Emily kept her tone light. Jeremy’s shoulders relaxed marginally but the air was still thick with tension. He obviously wanted to talk about something and Emily decided to stall whatever was on his mind.

  “So, what's up with you and Liz...you looked pretty cozy today.” Emily teased, punching Jeremy lightly in the arm. The tension immediately lessened and he groaned loudly. “Em, seriously...what is with that girl? She all but invited herself over to my house after school. So I've been driving around for an hour and a half, afraid to go home.” Emily laughed so hard she snorted, which made both of them laugh even harder.

  “So sorry Jer. I think she may have lost her two brain cells after that drop from the pyramid at the pep rally or something. Subtlety has never been her strong suit you know.” Emily patted his arm. “God, do you remember that time in third grade when Jonathon Dwoyer got her to eat mud after swearing it would turn her into super girl or something? I hate to be rude, but god she is an idiot...which I guess is why she's flirting with me right?” What started as a fun conversation drifted into Jeremy's need for a self-esteem boost.

  Emily suppressed her own groan. Seriously. Did he have to go there? She did not feel the need to stroke his ego right now. “Jeremy, stop fishing...it's ridiculous.” She told him harshly. Jeremy gave a tight laugh and turned down a street lined with picket fences and perfectly groomed yards. He pulled in front of a nice two story cape cod, the address Emily used for her pseudo home.

  “Well thanks for the ride, Jer, you saved my legs blocks of agony.” She joked as she jumped out of the car and quickly shut the door. Jeremy gave her a small salute. “I am at your service milady.” He affected with a horrible British accent. Emily laughed and was relieved that they seemed almost normal for a moment. “You think it's safe to go home?” Jeremy asked with a mock shudder. Looking at her watch, Emily nodded. “It's time for the re runs of Gilmore Girls, she never misses that.” Jeremy wiped his brow in relief. “Thank god for Gilmore Girls...see ya.”

  Emily waited until Jeremy had turned the corner at the end of the street and cut through the yard of her make believe house on her way to the real one. It was quickly becoming dark and the temperature was plunging. She hugged her arms to herself and picked up the pace.

  She hated the dark, and had since she was little. Emily still slept with a night light on. It didn’t help that aside from the chronic nightmares, she had an overactive imagination. Her house was old and creaky and every pop of settling drove her crazy with images of ghosts and serial killers.

  Emily practically ran the entire last few blocks to her house. When she arrived, she was relieved to see that it was still dark; which meant that her mom must either be at work or out somewhere. She let herself in the front door and immediately turned on the light, happy when the dark receded and the shadows disappeared. Emily shivered and her arms prickled. Lately she'd been having this strange sensation when she was at home of not being alone.

  Chiding herself for her foolishness, Emily went through her usual routine of looking in the closets and securing locks. Sasha often laughed about her insane paranoia, a paranoia that had only intensified in the past few months. But in Emily’s mind she’d rather be safe than sorry and given
the sordid individuals her mother had brought home over the years, it paid to be sure.

  Emily popped a TV dinner into the microwave and settled down at the kitchen table to attempt to start her English essay that was due Friday. She was looking over her assignment when a smell wafted through the air. A strange smell, not one that she was accustomed to smelling in her house.

  A smell that immediately brought to mind long ago summers and bittersweet memories. The pungent aroma of cinnamon filled her nostrils and she couldn’t smell anything else. Emily quickly looked around, wondering where it could be coming from. She got up and walked around the kitchen, opening drawers and cabinets. Then as quickly as it appeared, the smell was gone and Emily felt a passing warmth that seemed to spread all over her body.

  The weirdness of the experience left Emily totally freaked out. She left the kitchen without eating her dinner and ran up the stairs to her room. She turned on every light on her way, illuminating the house in an effort to rid it of whatever could be lurking there.

  Emily slammed her bedroom door, locking it. She turned on her television, trying to feel less alone than she suddenly felt. She had never felt overly bothered by being alone, but right now…she desperately wanted someone there with her. Even her mother would do.

  After a few minutes of listening and waiting for a noise that would surely indicate another presence, she slowly opened her door and poked her head out into the hallway. It was empty, of course. What did she expect to be there? She felt like a complete idiot. Did she think she was being haunted now? Emily didn’t believe in ghosts and the fact that she had just freaked so badly was pretty darned funny. Despite her firm believe that she was over reacting, she refused to leave her room for the rest of the night.