Irresistible Fear

by A. Meredith Walters

  Emily and Sasha hurried down the hallway. “Was that necessary Sasha? You can be such a bitch sometimes.” Emily’s voice was sharp and Sasha picked up on her irriation. “Sorry Emily. You know I have a bad habit of not thinking before I talk. But you have to admit his expression was just too funny.” Emily shot her a look, letting her know that she definitely didn’t agree with her.

  They walked into the kitchen. There were a few kids that Emily knew sitting at the table. Chris and Erin from her photography club were hugging in the corner but they smiled and called a greeting as they made their way through.

  Emily always felt like such an outsider at social functions. She never felt she had much to talk about and always ended up hanging in the corner like some 1950’s wall flower. Sasha thrived in this sort of environment. They couldn’t be more different, but opposites attract, Emily supposed.

  “Let’s see if Derek is out back.” Sasha pulled on Emily’s arm. The two walked outside and toward the “pool house.” Jeremy’s pool house was a two story carriage house, complete with hot tub and massive sound system. The place was packed. There were people everywhere. Jeremy had black lights and strobes going. The effect was a little disconcerting. Emily couldn’t really make out anyone. Everything was a blur in the flickering light.

  Jeremy had hung black fabric along the walls and people had drawn pictures and written things in highlighter so that they glowed. “I wonder who drew that. Jeremy perhaps?” Sasha indicated a drawing of a specific part of the male anatomy. Emily laughed. “I seriously doubt it.” “Probably Liz.” Sasha decided, nodding. The two friends looked at each other and dissolved into fits of laughter.

  Emily and Sasha began to move to the music. Emily enjoyed dancing. She couldn’t do it particularly well, but she just moved her arms around and made it look like she had some sort of rhythm. Sasha was a “bouncer.” She just hopped up and down to the tempo. They had danced and enjoyed themselves for quite awhile when Sasha grabbed her arm. “Oh my god! Is Derek making out with Lisa Wellings! You have got to be kidding me! That ass told me to meet him here tonight!” Emily strained to look in the direction Sasha indicated. “I don’t see anything Sasha. Don’t get yourself all worked up.” Emily sought to placate her friend. Sasha wasn’t one to back down from a scene.

  Sasha moved away from Emily to have a closer look, leaving her alone. “Sasha!” Emily yelled. Sasha, of course didn’t hear her, she was a woman on a mission. Within a few minutes, Emily had completely lost sight of her. ‘Great.” She thought to herself. It would take her forever to find Sasha again in this crowd. Though she supposed she could find her when the yelling started. Yeah, she didn’t want to be around when that happened. She knew Sasha could take care of herself.

  She tried to make her way outside when she felt hands around her waist. She instantly tensed up. Emily was not a “touchy” kind of person. Years of unhappy experience had helped her develop a pretty large amount of personal space. She turned around quickly, her fists clenched, prepared to punch someone in the nose, or knee them in the groin if she had to. Jeremy took a hasty step back when he saw her expression. “Sorry Em. Hands off, I swear!”

  Emily relaxed, though she still felt annoyed. He smiled at her tentatively, clearly wondering how severely he had just screwed up. “It’s okay Jeremy. You startled me that’s all. Watch out though, next time you do that, you’ll get decked.” Emily joked. Jeremy put his fists up and pretended to bob and weave. “I don’t know. I think I could take ya.” Emily laughed. “Jeremy, one thing you can’t pass for is a boxer. You look like a complete dork.” Jeremy lifted his hands in acceptance. “So true. I’m more of a lover than a fighter anyway.” He schmoozed at her. Emily rolled her eyes. “Give me a break.” They smiled at each other. Emily was happy to feel the easiness in their exchange.

  “It’s really loud in here, do you want to go get something to drink?” Jeremy asked. Emily hesitated. She hated to leave Sasha alone. Emily wondered if she had flattened Lisa already. Jeremy, seemed pretty eager for her to come with him and she couldn’t help but wonder what his motives were. She felt bad for thinking it, but she thought it none the less. Jeremy, sensing her thoughts, took a step back. “Seriously Emily, it’s just a drink. I won’t ask you to marry me. Promise.” It was the first time Jeremy had made light of his feelings for her. Emily found that she wanted to go with him. More than anything she wanted to get away from the throbbing music.

  “I should let Sasha know where I’ve gone.” Emily looked around the party. Bodies were packed together like sardines. There was no way she would find Sasha in here. “I’m sure she’ll come look for you eventually.” “Hopefully she hasn’t caved in Lisa Welling's face.” Emily countered. Jeremy chuckled. “Chick fight. Hmm. Maybe we should stay.” He pretended to go back into the party. Emily grabbed his hand. “Ugg, Jeremy. Stop playing male. It’s not a good look for you.”

  Jeremy squeezed her hand and continued to hold it. Emily, against her better judgment, didn’t pull away. They skirted the side of the in ground pool, covered for winter. The house was lit up. Emily could see people mingling in and out of the rooms. “How trashed do you think your place will be when this is all said and done?” Emily asked as they walked through the kitchen door.

  The kitchen was surprisingly empty, leaving the two of them alone. “I’m not too worried about it. I have a cleaning crew scheduled to come in the morning. As long as the place is clean by the time my parents get home, they don’t care. Plus I always lock up the valuables.” Jeremy dangled a key. “Ahh. That’s smart.” Emily filled a plate with cookies and chopped vegetables. There was quite a spread here and she realized she hadn’t had anything to eat since breakfast.

  The two of them munched their food. They fell into an easy silence and Emily was comfortable with him. She realized how much she missed hanging out. “Boy, you can eat.” Jeremy laughed, indicating the now clean plate. Emily smiled self consciously. “Wow, I really just made a pig of myself.” She wiped crumbs off of her costume.

  They stopped talking, Emily staring at her empty plate and Jeremy looking anywhere but at her. Okay, this was becoming weird.

  “So…” Jeremy began, his voice trailing off. “So…” Emily responded. They finally looked at each other, grinning sheepishly. “You don’t look like you’re enjoying yourself particularly.” He noticed.

  “I always look like that Jeremy.” Emily joked. Jeremy’s answering smile was halfhearted. “No, I get it. You don’t really want to be here.” He got up and threw his plate away and then leaned against the counter. Great, here we go, Emily thought.

  She followed him and stopped until she was standing directly in front of him. Jeremy was looking at the floor, pretending to find the Spanish tile completely fascinating.

  “Jer. I wouldn’t have come if I didn’t want to. You know that.” She told him. Jeremy, continuing to stare at his feet, made a noncommittal noise in his throat. “I don’t know. I did kind of guilt you into it.” Emily didn’t want to say it, but yeah, that’s exactly what he had done.

  Emily suddenly realized that Jeremy was looking at her, his brown eyes troubled. “What happened to us Emily? I just don’t get it. You and I have always gotten along. We get each other’s weird sense of humor, we like the same movies, the same books. I’ve always been able to tell you stuff that I could never tell anyone else. So why didn’t it work? And please spare the ‘it’s not you, it’s me line’ of b.s.” Emily swallowed audibly. She had avoided this conversation with him for a long time; obviously her effective evasion was at an end.

  “Jeremy, I do like you. It’s just I don't ‘do’ relationships. I thought you of all people knew that about me.” Emily threw her trash away and looked longingly at the door, wishing for an escape. A sudden blizzard, a nuclear explosion...anything. “Yeah, I guess I did know that. But then you went out with me and I really thought things were going well. I get you have baggage Emily. But who doesn’t?” Emily fidgeted on her feet. He was right; she had agre
ed to go out with him and then dropped him without much of an explanation. That was pretty hateful. She felt bad about it because he was also right in that they had always understood each other well. But…it just wasn't enough. It had never been enough.

  Jeremy took her silence as encouragement and moved toward her, still not touching. “Emily, you’ve always been one of my best friends. And the truth is...I really love you.” Emily’s stomach flip flopped. Oh great, the big L word. That had been the nail in the coffin before. How was she supposed to get out of this now? Jeremy’s eyes pleaded with her. Emily, despite the voice inside yelling at her to back away and quickly, felt herself weakening. It wasn’t really in response to a change in feelings toward him, more like a desire to share her life with someone. And she did care about Jeremy.

  Emily sighed heavily and sat down at the table. Jeremy quickly sat beside her, scooting his chair until he practically sat in her lap. “What do you say Emily? About, I don’t know…trying us again.” Emily opened her mouth but Jeremy hurried on. “I mean, we can just…I don’t know, like go on a date or something. I’m not talking soul mate, together forever stuff here. I just want a chance to really be with you.” Jeremy’s voice was hushed, barely above a whisper. Emily again sat quietly, taking it all in.

  What was wrong with her that she couldn’t have a relationship with someone? And Jeremy was a nice, good looking guy who really liked her. Before she could talk herself out of it, she impulsively leaned over and kissed Jeremy, her lips finding his eager mouth. She tried to ignore the immediate “oh shit” reaction she had. She knew she shouldn’t be doing this. The thought was intense and undeniable. But she desperately wanted to feel something, anything. She also knew she was weak, and a total ass for using Jeremy like this.

  Jeremy wrapped his arms around her, holding her tightly. Emily panicked and resisted the urge to struggle against his hold on her. The kiss was…okay. It’s not like she saw fireworks or anything but it was surprisingly pleasant. And his mouth was warm against hers. Kissing had never been their problem.

  At that moment Sasha burst into the kitchen and they jumped apart. “Emily! There you are!” Sasha was flushed and breathing heavily. She looked from Emily to Jeremy. “Um, am interrupting something?” If looks could kill, the glare Jeremy shot Sasha would have dropped her dead. “No, it’s okay. I really have to get home. I’m super tired and I have to work tomorrow. Sash, are you ready?” “I could give you a ride.” Jeremy offered, his look saying so much more. Trying to be sensitive to his feelings, she let him down gently. “That’s okay Jer, you really need to stay at your party. Sasha’s ready, right?”

  Emily gave Sasha a pointed look. “Oh yeah, I’m totally ready.” Sasha allowed herself to be herded out of the kitchen. “Emily, Can I call you tomorrow?” Jeremy asked, following them outside. “Sure Jeremy. Enjoy the rest of your party.” Emily smiled at him and practically ran to the car.

  Emily attempted to head off the eventual interrogation. “I see you are in one piece. Did you find Lisa and Derek?” The distraction worked. Sasha was obviously chomping at the bit to share the details. “Uh, yeah actually. They were definitely hooking up. I think I may have made a bit of an ass out of myself.” Sasha affected a grimace. Emily patted her arm. “It’s nothing that won’t have spread all over the school by now.” Sasha groaned. “Ugg! I’m so swearing of guys! They are nothing but trouble. But it felt good to punch Lisa in the nose.” “You did what?!?” Emily yelled. Sasha laughed. “Just kidding. I didn’t really punch her. Though, I definitely thought about it. Just making sure you were listening.”

  There was a brief moment of silence and then…”So, wow, what did I walk in on back there?” Sasha let her question wander off and was silent while she buckled her seat belt and set the car into drive. Sasha was being decidedly un- Sasha like. Emily had expected a more explosive response. Emily looked at her friend out of the corner of her eye. Okay, this was obviously just the calm before the storm.

  As predicted, once Sasha pulled out onto the street, she launched into it. “OH MY GOD!” Sasha screamed. Emily jumped. “Whoa Sash. Relax! You’ll get us both killed.” Emily said through gritted teeth. “Did I seriously just see you kissing Jeremy? What happened to ‘he’s not my type?’” Sasha imitated her perfectly. Emily shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess I was feeling vulnerable.” Emily said sarcastically. “Does this mean you’re together now?” Sasha asked. “No…I don’t know.” Emily was confused and she couldn’t get rid of the nagging thought that she had just made a huge mistake.

  “Whatever Emily. Don’t be such an idiot about it this time. Jeremy is super cute and he is crazy about you. You could definitely make worse choices in your life. Though he is so emo sometimes, with his looks of longing and sad eyes” Sasha mocked.

  Emily tried to laugh it off but the knot in her stomach made her feel sick. She knew in the back of her mind she was using Jeremy as her way to feel normal. As she told herself over and over again, it wasn’t that she didn’t like Jeremy; it was that she didn’t want to settle for less than amazing when it came to romance.

  “I’m actually proud of you Em. You have to give yourself a chance at having happiness with someone. I don’t want you to be lonely forever. Unlike me, who is destined to wander the earth…alone” Sasha sighed dramatically. Emily knew that Sasha was worried about her but she had to suppress the flicker of frustration at her friend’s words. “I’m never lonely Sash, I always have you.” Emily leaned over and kissed her cheek. Sasha blushed at the sentiment. “Okay, okay. I love you and all, but get the hell off of me.” Emily laughed.

  Chapter 12

  The rest of the drive to Emily's passed with talk of the party. Sasha critiqued the senior girls' costumes and graded them on her “skank scale” of 0-5. Emily laughed until her sides hurt. She forgot all about her colossally ill-advised kiss with Jeremy. Though when Sasha pulled down Emily's street she immediately noticed the fact that there appeared to be a full on house party going on at home. “Dude, did your mom invite the entire population of skid row to your house?” Sasha asked, peering at the unsavory characters that hung out on the lawn. Emily opened the door and got out. “You sure you want to go in there? You can come home with me you know.” Sasha told her.

  “I'll be fine, talk to you tomorrow!” Emily gave her friend, what she hoped was a convincing smile and a wave. Sasha frowned, clearly unsure as to what to do. Emily turned her back and headed towards the house. She heard Sasha's car finally drive away.

  Emily noticed a couple sitting on her front porch. The guy seemed to be missing a few teeth and his hair hung in greasy strands down his back. The girl, not much older than she was, looked loaded. Her eyes were foggy and she seemed to have a hard time sitting up.

  She could hear music coming from the living room and there were people everywhere. Her mother must have invited everyone from the bar. Emily inched inside, not wanting to draw attention to her. She took off the nun habit and scrunched it nervously in her hands. She just knew it wouldn’t be long before the cops were called and she didn’t want to be anywhere around when that happened.

  Emily started to go up the stairs when she was stopped cold. “There you are baby! I thought you were going to miss the party.” Emily turned around and looked down at her mother who was dressed in a cat outfit and clutching the banister for dear life. She was way beyond drunk; she was on the verge of an alcohol induced coma. Her mother’s eyes seemed to roll back in her head and she couldn’t stand up right without leaning on something. Emily had learned that this was a dangerous time. Her mother was so easy to set off when she was like this. How she handled the next few moments was critical. Emily was all too aware of what her mother was capable of when she was in this particular state of mind.

  “Well, I’m home now. I’m pretty tired, so I think I’ll turn in.” Emily slowly continued her climb up the stairs. Emily felt sick as her mother practically crawled up after her. “Oh no you don’t. You’re going to come and be social. Every
one wants to meet my baby girl.” At least that’s what Emily thought she said. The words were slurred together to the point of not being a recognizable form of speech. Emily put her hands up in front of her. “Mom, I’ve had a really long night. I promise, next time I will be more sociable. I’m just not up to it right now.” Emily ran the rest of the way up the stairs. She began to feel the familiar twinges of panic as she realized her mother was continuing to follow her. This was not going to end well, she knew it.

  Her only hope was to get to her room and lock the door before her mom reached her. She tried to sprint down the hallway when a hand seemed to come out of nowhere and grabbed her arm. “Oh lookie what I have here Sylvia. It’s our little kitty cat.” Emily’s fear escalated immediately. She knew that drunken drawl only too well and only one creep called her “kitty cat”; a nick name that made her skin crawl. It was her mother’s most recent ex-husband, Charles. Her mom had been married to him for less than a year but they had been some of the most miserable months Emily had ever experienced.

  Charles was a predator and was clearly more interested in Emily than her mother. Charles had been lecherous in every way possible; “accidentally” walking into the bathroom just after she had gotten out of the shower, leaving his hand a little too long on her leg, a kiss that became too demanding. He had never been able to do any more than that because he spent most of his time too strung out on methamphetamines to do much more than drool on himself. Her mom had thrown him out after she had discovered that he had stolen $500 from her bank account. Her mom could handle guys beating her up, beating her daughter up, but when it came to her money, she was viciously protective.

  However, when she heard Charles’ voice, she again became that fourteen year old girl, who lived every day not knowing if this man would finally cross that unspeakable boundary. She had been terrified of him and seeing his graying hair and thinning beard brought back every one of those fears. She tasted bile in the back of her throat. “Oh, thanks love.” Sylvia, her mother, kissed Charles in a deep and intimate way. How long had this been going on?