Irresistible Fear

by A. Meredith Walters

  Jeremy didn't say anything for a while. He dug his fork through his mashed potatoes, making them into little mountains and then smashing them. The longer the silence wore on, the more uncomfortable she became.

  Finally, Jeremy sighed and looked at her and Emily flinched at the pain she saw there. “Jer...” She started but he simply held up his hand, effectively silencing her.

  Jeremy’s eyes were no longer angry but sad, which made all of this so much worse. “I definitely knew what I was signing up for when I asked for another chance with you Em. I'm not an idiot. I know you've got baggage and I was prepared to deal with it. But I can't pretend that you want this as much as I do. Because you don't. I think that's pretty obvious.” Jeremy gave a crooked smile. Emily opened her mouth to say something.

  What could she say to that though? Because of course he was right. She should never have fooled herself into thinking that a relationship with him or any other boy would make her feel normal. Because she felt anything but.

  “It's okay Em. I'll be the bigger person here and make this really easy. I'm giving you an out. We tried it; it didn't work, so there you go. It hurts; I won't lie and say it doesn't. But you've been half a person during this whole dating disaster. And I'd rather have 100% friendship from you than whatever this is.” Emily looked away with guilt. He was way too nice for his own good. But she couldn't deny the relief she felt at his words.

  “I'm so sorry Jeremy. I wanted us to work. I really did. I don't know what's wrong with me. You're like the perfect guy.” Jeremy barked an uneasy laugh and Emily put her hand on his arm. “No, really Jer. You are amazing and one day you will find a girl who deserves you. Someone who doesn't waste your time like I always seem to do.” Emily hung her head, feeling like total crap for doing this to him yet again.

  After a few moments, Jeremy covered her hand with his and she lifted her eyes. She was surprised to see a little bit of relief twinkle behind the undeniable hurt. Maybe he was only waiting for some sort of closure from her. Maybe, just maybe this is what he really wanted all along.

  Emily was a bit taken aback, but overall she was glad. Would Jeremy really make it that easy on her? “Thanks Em, but I think I'm going to put this whole dating thing on the back burner for a while. Maybe I'll develop a hobby or something. I've always wanted to try bungee jumping.” Emily laughed, amazed at the easiness that seemed to take over instantly.

  This is what they were before. Before dating ruined it all. She was happy to find that it still lay there, underneath the wreckage of their romantic attempts and that Jeremy seemed just as willing to get back to the place where they truly had been friends.

  “Bungee Jumping? Hmm, why don't you find something with less of a chance for head trauma...maybe knitting or Bingo?” She suggested, picking up her lunch sack and throwing it in the trash. Jeremy followed her, putting his tray in the lunch window. He laughed. “Bingo huh? Maybe...I could use a little luck.”

  The day went by pretty fast. After the talk with Jeremy at lunch, she had been able to concentrate on her day. But once that bell rang at 3:00, her thoughts immediately went to Tavin and she became consumed.

  Walking in the door to her house, Emily threw her book bag on the floor and ran up the stairs. She locked her bedroom door and changed into some more comfortable clothes. She pulled out the bottle of sleeping pills that she kept in her bedside drawer and shook two pills into her hand.

  Emily gulped them down and lay on her bed, waiting for the blissful sleep that would follow. As she stared at her ceiling, she realized how far she was taking this. Her grades were suffering more than they had before and she was dangerously close to losing her job; having called out the last two shifts she was scheduled to work. She knew that if she didn’t watch it she would develop an addiction to these pills. Though she knew she was already addicted, but not to the pills.

  Cushioned by her pillows she couldn’t stop the wave of euphoria that overtook her as her vision started to go black and her lids drooped heavily. She was almost there, almost with him. She smelled the cinnamon and she was home.

  Chapter 23

  This time Emily was still in her room. Everything looked so normal she questioned whether she had really fallen asleep. She glanced over at the window seat and he was there, waiting for her like he had always belonged in this space. Emily jumped off of her bed and ran to him. Throwing her arms around his neck, she kissed him desperately, so happy to be with him again. “I’ve missed you so much!” Tavin held her tightly, kissing her back just as wildly. “Emily, wait…Emily! Let me breathe here!” Tavin laughed and pulled back; cupping her face in his hands as he looked at her. Emily laughed too and sat down beside him. He had become such an integral part of her existence and she craved him, like an alcoholic craved gin. And she knew he was as equally unhealthy for her. But the fall sure felt good.

  Tavin held her hand and swept his finger delicately over her palm in that way that made her insides turn to mush. “So you finally cut the boy loose huh?” Tavin asked her jokingly. What boy? It took Emily a few minutes to figure out what it was he was talking about.

  Then she realized he must mean Jeremy. How did he know about that? As with all of her dreams with him, it began to feel markedly surreal. Reality clashed uncomfortably with this dream world she created. “Um…well yeah. We both realized it just wouldn't work out” “Well, I could have told you that.” He whispered, as he placed his lips against the sensitive spot on the underside of her jaw and she had to resist the urge to crawl into his lap.

  “How did you know about that? Why am I even dreaming about that? Maybe I feel guiltier then I thought.” Emily struggled to rationalize it in the best way she could. Tavin laughed again and nuzzled her neck. He didn't answer her and his behavior was seriously bothering her.

  Tavin got up and walked across her room, his hands touching the myriad of objects that cluttered the surface of her dresser and desk. He stopped in front of her cork board that hung beside her mirror.

  Emily followed and looked over his shoulder. He held a picture of Emily and Sasha dressed up as the Pink Ladies from Grease for a rally day during Homecoming last year. “This is Sasha?” Tavin asked, indicating the picture. Emily came around to stand beside him. “Yeah, that’s Sash.” Tavin looked up at the affection that was evident in her voice. “She’s very special to you.” He didn’t ask, rather stated the fact. “Yes, she is. She’s my best friend.” Emily took the picture from Tavin and stuck it with the tack, pinning it back to the board. She wasn't sure what direction this conversation was headed, but she just felt...weird.

  Tavin began to study her other pictures. He took his time looking at the faces, as if memorizing them. “I want to know as much about you as I can. You are so fascinating and you don’t even realize it.” Tavin reached for another picture. Emily hadn’t been aware that she still had this one. It was a picture of her and Jeremy from the first time they had dated. They were holding onto each other, laughing as Sasha took their picture in front of the school. She saw a dark look come across Tavin’s face. One that scared her a little in its intensity.

  “I’m guessing this is Jeremy.” Again, he didn’t ask, merely confirmed what he seemed to already know. Emily nodded. Tavin’s hand tightened on the picture, crumpling the edges. “Hey, don’t ruin it.” Emily said. Tavin looked at her, startled, and then smoothed out the picture, quickly placing it back on the wall. “Sorry Emily.” He said quietly, moving away from her.

  Emily was reminded again at how strange he was. How at times he seemed to be barely holding himself together. As if something were being tamped down, but with a lot of effort.

  “Are you jealous of Jeremy or something?” Emily asked him, looking again at the picture of the two of them. Jeremy's smile was infectious, even in a picture. She couldn't help but smile at the girl she was then, how different she was from the person she was now. It made her a little wistful.

  Tavin began to pace around the room. He frowned at her question. “Jealous
?” He asked her, almost as if he needed her to define it for him. Emily nodded. “Yeah, you know, the whole not liking me with other guys, getting pissed at old boyfriends, overall immature and juvenile behavior thing.” She said mockingly.

  Tavin's pacing quickened and he put his hands through his hair in an agitated gesture. “Jealous. Huh. Well, I guess so. Though I don't mean to be juvenile, if that's what I'm being.” Tavin seemed so confused by this admission. As if the feeling was completely foreign to him.

  Emily snorted at his response. “You're not juvenile Tavin. Just a little strange maybe.” Emily sat down on her bed, waiting for him to stop his endless pacing and sit beside her. She’d rather spend her time with him kissing then talking anyway. But Tavin was acting strangely tonight and it was bothering her.

  Tavin seemed unaware of her, too lost in his own mind. Finally she couldn't take anymore. “Tavin, please stop walking around my room like that, you’re giving me motion sickness.” Emily took his hand as he passed in front of her.

  Tavin seemed startled by the physical touch, but he stopped moving. Giving her a small smile, he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. Emily watched him as he sat beside her and for the first time she noticed how bad he looked. His skin was ashen and dark circles ringed his eyes. He looked exhausted. If it had been several months ago, it would have been like looking in a mirror. How strange that now she was feeling so much better, her dream boy looked like he was at death's door.

  “You look horrible Tavin, are you feeling alright?” Emily leaned into him. Tavin laughed at her bluntness. “Thanks Emily. It's a good thing I don't have a complex about my looks.” Tavin's laugh was brittle and edgy. He seemed to find it hard concentrating on her and what they were talking about.

  “What is it Tavin? Something is bothering you. Tell me what's going on.” Tavin was clearly hesitant to share what was wrong and it made Emily acutely aware of how bizarre and unreal all of this was. Because there was something ‘off’ about Tavin. Sure, he was in many ways the perfect guy. Affectionate, beautiful and completely in love with her. Yet he was at times tinged with something a bit more sinister. He would get a look that was downright frightening. As if there was a dark energy that he was very careful to keep away from her during their time together. But it was this darkness that she had to admit scared her and made her doubt her intense need to be with him.

  Tavin looked at her with a slight frown and she wondered if he knew what she was thinking. “It's nothing Emily. I'm fine.” And like that her concerns were dismissed. He pulled on her shoulders and Emily fell back onto the bed, her cheek on his chest. She couldn't help but notice the silence beneath her ear. No heartbeat. She was struck, not for the first time by how disturbing that was.

  Tavin ran his hands down her arms, making her shiver. “Tell me about how you met Sasha. I'm really interested to know.” His words were soft and brought her out of her worried thoughts. Emily smiled, remembering. The words pouring from her without hesitation.

  “It was our freshman year. I was so overwhelmed by going to high school. I had never been one to make friends easily. My mom always made it hard to have a social life with sleep overs and play dates. If you hadn't guessed by now, I didn't exactly grow up with Carol Brady as a mother.” Emily wiggled a bit and found a more comfortable spot in the crook of his arm. “The halls were full of other kids and I remember trying to find my locker. I was wearing this horrible orange shirt with shorts. I didn't exactly have the most stellar fashion sense.” Emily laughed at the memory and Tavin laughed with her. “Orange huh?” He teased. Emily poked his side and he squirmed. “Hey, orange is rockin'.” Tavin held up his hands in surrender. “I believe you! I swear.”

  “Anyway...” Emily nudged him to get refocused. “There was this wickedly mean senior girl, the stereotypical mean girl. Model beautiful, popular, but the spawn of Satan.” Tavin laughed tightly at her description.

  “Her name was Marybeth Savoy. God, I hate that I even remember her name. Whatever. So, I was making my way to my locker. My book bag fell off my shoulder and I had bent down to pick it up when I was pushed down. I mean, I fell flat on my face. I thought I would die from the embarrassment.” Emily felt the humiliation, even now. Tavin squeezed her in understanding and she instantly felt better.

  “So, I sat there on the floor, not sure what to do, when I felt this hand under my armpits hoist me up and put me on my feet. That was when I first saw Sasha; she was tall, even then. I remember her towering over Mary Beth. Sasha was all red hair and fury. Like some Marvel super hero, there to kick evil's ass.” Emily chuckled at the memory of her best friend's indignant anger.

  “Did she let Marybeth have it?” Tavin asked, obviously enjoying the story. “Of course. Sasha has always had a weakness for the underdog and I was definitely the underdog. She told Marybeth where she could shove it, and then she herded me down the hallway, helping me to find my locker. I couldn't get away from her after that, not that I wanted to.” Emily smiled wistfully. Which is why not telling her about this, her dreams of Tavin was so difficult. She told Sasha everything; she was the first person outside of her Nanny that knew about her mother and the truth of the life she lived. Sasha had never judged her, only ever listened and offered help.

  Sasha had asked her parents to let Emily live with them when they were sophomores. It was after a particularly brutal night with her mother, one that had of course involved the police and had of course led to nothing. Emily had lain crumbled in a heap on Sasha's bedroom floor. She always felt safe there, surrounded by Sasha's collection of stuffed monkeys and sage green walls. Sasha's parents had been wary of her back then and they hadn't been too keen on interfering. They were more worried that Emily would drag their daughter into trouble, for which Emily couldn't blame them. Sasha, of course, had become so angry that she threatened to run away. She hatched an elaborate plan to run off to her uncle's house in Florida. Sasha had it all planned out, she and Emily would use Sasha's saved allowance money to buy bus tickets. Sasha was convinced her Uncle Justin would let them live with him.

  It hadn't worked out of course. They had bought the tickets and been waiting for the bus when Sasha's parents found them at the station. They had taken them both back to their house and talked with them for a long time. After that, Sasha's parents understood how serious Emily's situation was and how seriously their daughter was about her friend’s safety. They had made a report to social services and had continued to make reports every time Sasha told them anything. They became strong advocates for Emily, with Sasha her loudest champion of all.

  “You have people who really love you. That's such an amazing thing Emily.” Tavin whispered in her ear. “I know. I don't have much, but what I do have is pretty important to me.” Emily looked up at him and made clear with her eyes that she included him in that short but important list.

  Tavin leaned over her and kissed her deeply. She tried to focus on her desire to be with Tavin, but found she couldn't ignore that there was something wrong about this. Here she was again, over analyzing. But once it began, she couldn't stop. Tavin's fingers played with edge of her shirt, toying with the sensitive skin of her stomach. However, her enjoyment of this was at its end and she pulled back. How funny that it was she who stopped things cold this time when before she had been enraged at Tavin for doing the same.

  Tavin tried to pull her back to him, pressing his mouth to her neck, nuzzling insistently. Emily gently pushed on his shoulders, urging him to stop. “Please Tavin, this has to stop.” Emily rolled off the bed, landing on the floor with a thud. She looked up and saw Tavin's hurt expression. “Here, let me help you up.” Tavin reached down and pulled Emily back up onto the bed. Emily could hear his breath coming in gusts as he tried to get himself under control. He didn't say anything for a long time, the silence between them thick with tension. Emily felt so ridiculous for stopping something that she wanted so badly. But the truth was the unanswered questions; the instinctual knowing that something wasn't quite “rig
ht” was clouding her desire for him.

  “I'm sorry Emily.” Tavin said softly, putting his hands over his face. He laughed bitterly. “I feel like that's all I say to you anymore.” Emily's guilt was immediate and intense. She was doing it again. Hurting someone, killing any chance she had at a semblance of happiness. But for once she wouldn't ignore what her gut was trying to tell her, as much as her heart and her body argued against it.

  “Tavin, I just can't get past this.” She waved her hands between them. Tavin looked at her with dread. He seemed to know where this conversation was headed and he didn't like it. He didn't question what she meant, only sat quietly...waiting.

  “I can't trust anything that we have because it's all so flipping crazy! I don't know who you are or why I continue to see you night after night and you never answer my questions. I've become obsessed with you Tavin. Seriously, unhealthily obsessed. My best friend thinks I've gone crazy and maybe she's right. This has got to be a sign of serious mental illness. The fact is that I'm involved with someone that doesn't exist.”

  Emily snorted and shook her head, putting physical distance between them. For the first time, she honestly wanted all of this to end. She felt weighed down by the implications of what these dreams may mean for her. Her paranoia was stronger than ever before. She could never quite shake the feeling that she was being watched. Emily felt sick when she thought about it for too long.

  Tavin's expression was pained. After a few moments he took her hands in his and cradled them in his lap. He sighed and brought her fingers to his lips, kissing them softly. Then he buried his face into her palm. Her skin tingled with the touch and she felt her body instantly respond to him. Damn her traitorous hormones!