Irresistible Fear

by A. Meredith Walters

  Emily finally took the time to listen to what her inner voices were trying to tell her. She knew that boy with blonde hair, that boy that looked nothing like the boy who she loved in her dreams, were one and the same. Which would mean she had to completely rearrange her ideas of reality and logic. If she wasn’t going crazy and Tavin was in fact real; what was she dealing with?

  She had no time for these thoughts. She needed to focus on finding him. She could still hear the nervous babbles of the group not far behind her. She was halfway to the emergency phone when the lights flickered and went out, her world becoming totally black. It was a darkness that didn’t allow for any light, the blackness of a sleeping earth.

  Everything was silent. She cursed herself for not bringing her flashlight with her. Normally, tour guides carried one for instances such as this, but she had stopped taking it because of its weight. Plus it was cumbersome in her pocket, but right now she hated her need for comfort over practicality.

  Emily no longer heard the group. It was as if she wasn’t in this dimension at all. She wondered if this was what death was like, an endless inky darkness with no sensory stimulation. It was the most terrified Emily had ever been. More than in the most bloody and hellish of her nightmares, more than that moment before feeling the contact of her mother’s fist. More terrified than those last few moments before waking up and thinking about never seeing Tavin again.

  She stood perfectly still, straining her ears in the absolute silence. She could hear her own gasping breaths as she teetered on the edge of a panic attack. “Help!” She screamed, hoping someone from the group would hear her. Her voice bounced off the walls, disappearing into the heavy darkness. “Help! Please!” She was 100% losing it. Her breathing became rapid and her heart hammered against her ribcage as if trying to break free.

  Emily was feeling light headed and she fell back against the cold, wet cavern wall. What to do…what to do? She calmed her erratic thoughts as much as she was consciously able and then slowly took steps forward. She patted her foot delicately out in front of her, making sure she wasn’t going to trip over something or fall into one of the many crevices in the rock floor.

  She felt around her with her hands, feeling only smooth damp rock. She could do this. She would just feel her way down the corridor. She knew this cavern like the back of her hand. She knew she had to be pretty close to the next formation room. And she knew there was an emergency light switch just to her right as she came into the room. Emily stumbled along, catching her foot on the edge of stalagmite. She threw her hands out in front of her as she fell forward.

  She sat there in the rubble for some time. The heels of her hands throbbed from the impact. As she rubbed the raw skin of her hands, she could have sworn she felt a breeze. Which, of course was impossible because there was no way any wind was moving down here. But as she sat there impossibly still, she felt it again. A warm breeze, with the hint of cinnamon.

  “Uh-uh. No way. This is NOT happening!” Emily mumbled to herself. Because she knew he was there, waiting for her to acknowledge him. Had she somehow fallen asleep? She had to pinch herself to make sure she was still awake.

  “Tavin?” Emily asked tentatively. God, she hoped her hunch was right and that she wasn’t alone in her personal hell. She felt the feather light touch of fingertips on her cheek and she leaned towards the gentle stroke of his hand. “Tavin, is that really you?”

  In the fathomless black, she felt his lips press to hers'. The tension left her body in a rush and she fell into the waiting relief of his kiss. “Yes Emily, it’s me.” His mouth moved softly against her lips. Wait. That didn’t sound like Tavin. Then the reality of the situation came crashing down. If this was Tavin, then he wasn’t her Tavin, but somebody else. And that meant what exactly?

  The small space humans had for what is logical and fits into their spectrum of understanding was suddenly very crowded. Emily knew she wasn’t meant to comprehend this and it didn’t match up to anything in her reality. She recoiled from him, arching her body away from his waiting hands. “No, no. This isn’t right.” She could hear the hysteria seeping into her voice. The control she had so desperately been holding onto went flying out the window.

  “Emily, you need to understand something…” Tavin began in that voice that wasn’t his. Emily tried to get up and move as fast as she was able. Her foot struck another loose stone and threw her to the floor. Her elbow struck the hard rock and a flash of pain shot up her arm. She scrambled to her feet and kept moving down the treacherous corridor.

  She tripped and fell every few feet and she knew he was still somewhere behind her. Emily slid her hands along the walls beside her, desperate for an escape. She felt a change in the air around her and realized she had stepped out of the confined space into a large open room. She was in the next corridor.

  Emily felt around for the wall and made contact with it. She groped wildly for the large metal lever that would turn on the emergency light. “God, I know it’s here.” She said loudly, becoming increasingly frustrated and less terrified. She welcomed the change in her emotions readily.

  Her eyes registered a sudden light. Her pupils constricted and she continued to be blind for another few minutes while her Optic nerve figured out the dramatic change. Once her eyes adjusted, she saw the tall blonde haired boy with his hand on the light switch. The stranger with Tavin’s eyes.

  “Emily.” Was all that he said. Emily didn’t move; instead she stood there staring at him, making herself understand what she was seeing. His voice had the same emotion she was used to hearing from Tavin, but it was all wrong. This wasn’t the boy she loved, this was someone else entirely.

  “No Emily. It’s really me. This body..” He indicated his physical presence, “This body… is borrowed, I guess.” The thin lips twisted into a crooked smile. Borrowed? Huh? “I had to be with you, to know what it was like to really touch you. I know you don’t get any of this, but if you give me a moment, time to explain everything, I think you will understand.” His blue eyes pleaded with her, begging her to stay. Emily was torn between wanting to hear him out and wanting to run away as fast as her legs could carry her.

  “I don’t know. I…” She was cut off abruptly by the sound of voices drawing nearer. “Hello?” A male voice called down the corridor. Tavin looked at her from the wrong body. Emily stood, unsure as to what she should do. Tavin didn’t waste any more time. He crossed the distance between them and grabbed her shoulders in his hands. The electric heat from his hands coursed through her and despite the stranger's face, she would know his touch anywhere.

  “Emily, please, tonight I’ll wait for you. Look for me by the pier. I need you to hear me out...I need to explain.” He said in an urgent and hushed voice. Emily could do no more than nod before a rush of people flooded the room. “Oh my god! There you are Ben! You had everyone scared to death.” The kind woman from earlier, who Emily had learned was named Esther Williams, hugged the young man in her relief. She clucked and mothered Ben/Tavin as he stood immobile among the throng of tourists. His eyes never left Emily's face, sending a thousand messages with one look.

  “I’ve had about enough of the caverns for one day. What do you say we end the tour?” One of the men in the group suggested. Emily blinked and finally looked away from Tavin. “Um, yeah sure. That’s probably a good idea. Follow me back to the elevator. It’s just back behind this turn.” Emily led the group back to the elevator.

  As Emily led the group into the elevator, Tavin, or Ben really, began to cough uncontrollably. Emily looked over at him to see his body wracked with an intense heaving and hacking. Esther Williams patted his back helpfully and pulled out a bottle of water and passed it to him. The gangly young man gulped down its entire contents and looked around at the group, who had their eyes focused on him.

  “Wow, is the tour over already?” He looked at Emily with confused and very brown eyes.

  Chapter 28

  Emily got out of the shower, slowly drying herself
off. Yeah, she was procrastinating. She took her time brushing her teeth and combing out her hair. She looked at her reflection in the mirror and the reflection startled her. She looked…old. Not senile and wrinkled; but mature. There was way too much knowing in those eyes and Emily didn't like the look of the girl who stared back at her.

  She also recognized the look of resignation. Yep, she was resigned that sense and logic checked out about four hours ago. Meet me at the pier. I’ll be waiting for you, he had said. Emily was suddenly not so sure she wanted the answers she had been hounding him for. Because she was pretty damned sure she wouldn't like what she heard.

  She walked out of the bathroom and trudged tiredly to the door of her bedroom. She was exhausted to her bones and she knew sleep would come unaided tonight. She looked over to the window seat, half expecting to see Tavin sitting there, his arms crossed over his chest, a dazzling smile as he saw her. But he wasn’t there and she knew the only way she would see him tonight was to sleep.

  After situating herself under the covers she wrapped her arms around her pillow and closed her eyes. The blackness reminding her of those earlier moments of total terror. She shook off the momentary panic and the thoughts it generated as she fell backwards into her sleep.

  ********************

  Emily was on her beach again, exactly where he had told Emily to find him. She saw the pier in the distance. She was pretty far from it and it would take some time to get there. The ocean rolled rhythmically onto the sand, washing her toes in its salty spray.

  Emily walked up the beach, stopping occasionally to pick up a shell or to bury her feet in the wet, packed sand. This was still her dream and she would do what she pleased. Screw what he wanted. The pier came up before her quicker than she anticipated. She saw Tavin’s dark silhouette standing at the end of the wooden planks. Emily climbed up the side and slung her legs over, pulling herself up with some effort. Tavin stood patiently waiting for her to make the move.

  Emily had the perverse desire to keep him waiting. She was irritated with him and all of his secrets. What in the world had Tavin drug her into?

  Emily turned around, debating whether she should take off running and forget all of this. “Don’t think about it Emily. You know I would just chase you down.” He was suddenly right behind her. The skin on the back of her legs prickling with the heat of his body. The humor in his voice jarred her already frayed emotions. She became even more annoyed with his blasé attitude.

  “Humph. Maybe. But I’m a pretty darn good runner.” Emily stopped just short of crossing her arms over her chest and tapping her foot. Tavin seemed amused by her reaction to all of this. “Would it be better if I come screaming at you or maybe I should just fall on the ground and wail. Maybe you’d take me and my feelings a little more seriously then Tavin.” Emily was hurt by his flippant mood. Tavin was immediately contrite.

  “I’m sorry Emily. I don’t mean to make light of how you’re feeling. You deserve a lot more from me than that. I apologize. I was just trying to put you at ease. And doing a poor job, I suppose.” Tavin made the move to touch her but stopped himself when he saw her stiffen.

  “Come on, let’s go have a seat. I know you have questions and Emily, I promise to give you the answers. I owe you that.” Tavin moved down the pier, towards the bench that seemed to be waiting for them. Emily stood there for a while. At first out of pure defiance and then because she didn’t know whether she really wanted to hear what he had to tell her.

  The illusions she had held onto; Tavin, her time with him, they were all disappearing. She felt herself grasping at the threads of her sanity, of the dream she had created for herself, where a boy like Tavin existed merely in her head. But what if that wasn’t the truth? Obviously there was more going on here. What if Tavin were real? Then what was he?

  Emily felt tremors start in her hands and spread up her arms. Soon her entire body was wracked with a trembling as if she were freezing to death. Emily laughed to herself humorlessly. That was an appropriate description really. Because that is what it felt like; like she was freezing slowly, from the inside out.

  Emily looked down the pier. The sky overhead was a beautiful blue. A blue too perfect to be real. Not a cloud in sight. The sun beat down on her skin but she didn’t really feel it. Only this unbearable cold that seemed to sheath her in ice. She saw Tavin sitting on the bench…waiting for her.

  She felt such indecision. But in the end, her need for answers and her need to be near him, won out. She walked along, hearing the creaks and groans of the wood under her weight. Emily didn’t want to hurry, she took her time. She felt like she needed to remember this, what it felt like before her world was torn apart.

  Emily stopped in front of him, looking down at Tavin’s face, which was turned up to look at her. His eyes were cautious. The vivid blue bore holes into her as if he could see everything. He was sad and an irrational guilt washed over her. She didn't want to see him that way, but what about her feelings? As conflicted as they were, she still felt something so intense for him that it threatened to take her under.

  They stood silently staring at one another. Neither one wanting to make the first move. The longer he was quiet, the angrier Emily became at him. She kept picturing that other boy’s face. The boy with Tavin’s eyes who spoke to her in the dark of the caverns. The startling realization that she knew him. The feeling of her dreams and reality crashing into each other and the splintering sensation it created in her. She had spent the last few weeks feeling her sanity slipping away from her. Emily had questioned whether she was losing her mind. She had been scared; terrified. And to think that everything she thought she had been imagining may in some way be real was almost too much to comprehend.

  “Emily.” Tavin said her name. God, she was pissed. And for once the sound of his voice did nothing to soothe her nerves.

  Emily looked away, breaking their eye contact. She didn't even want to look at him but the answers had to be heard. “What are you Tavin?” Her question was quiet, barely above a whisper, but she knew he heard her. She looked back at him and this time he looked away; closing his eyes as if figuring out how to answer her. When he finally looked back at her, the expression on his face was so tortured and gut wrenching that it weakened her... for a moment. But as soon as her icy resolve began to melt, she thought of his secrets, his purposeful withholding of truths and it solidified again over her heart.

  “I don’t know how to answer that Emily.” Tavin wouldn’t look at her, his eyes still closed. Emily frowned. “Well, you'd better figure out how to answer it Tavin and pretty quickly.” She was done playing around.

  Tavin reached up and grabbed her hand, holding onto it as if it were the only thing keeping him from going under. Their hands fit together perfectly and his heat radiated up her arm. Emily finally sat down beside him and Tavin opened his eyes. “I just want to know the truth. Enough with the illusions, the lies. Give me the truth, whatever it is.” Emily looked around her at her beach, at the ocean that rolled on endlessly.

  Tavin followed her gaze, staring off toward the horizon. “It is a dream. This has been created from your memories.” Tavin’s arm swept around him, indicating where they were. “This is here, because of you.” His voice halted and he looked at her again, seeing if she believed him. Emily nodded, encouraging him to continue. “But Emily. I am real. I’m not a figment of your imagination.” He softly touched the side her face, his fingers lingering on her cheek, cinnamon billowing around her in comforting waves. “You aren’t going crazy.”

  Something broke inside of Emily. Something she hadn’t realized was bound so tightly. She collapsed in on herself with this admission. Sure, she was still angry, but those words confirming that she hadn't completely lost it, were too precious to her. The tears came then, flooding down her face and she did nothing to stop them. Emily felt an intense relief. And in her vulnerability she reached for Tavin, as had become instinctual for her to do.

  Tavin seemed surprised by her
emotional response and even more surprised by the kiss that followed. Emily’s lips found his and she felt like she could devour him. She tangled her fingers in his hair and felt his immediate physical response to her. He pressed his body to hers’ and wrapped his arms around her tightly. The heat from his body became a fire and Emily felt her anger recede. She loved him and she swore to herself that whatever he had to tell her she could handle as long as they were together.

  Emily knew she wasn’t thinking rationally. She had devolved into that wishy washy girl who would throw everything away for a boy. What an idiot she was. But at that moment she didn't care. She needed to hear the rest of what he would tell her.

  She pulled away, the trembling that had begun earlier, becoming a constant tremor. Tavin rubbed her arms and kissed her cheeks, her jaw line and finally the shaking subsided.

  Emily moved out of Tavin’s arms and put some space between them. If she was going to fully hear what he had to say, she couldn't touch him. He was just too distracting. One thing was for sure; their physical attraction was definitely not the problem.

  The heart broken expression returned to his face but this time, the voices inside of her that demanded answers would not be quieted. She needed to know, no matter what it cost her, no matter what it meant for this reality with him.

  “What are you?” Emily asked again. This time, Tavin answered her. “I’m a demon, Emily.” She felt as if she had been smacked in the face. “A what?” Emily was sure she hadn’t heard correctly. Emily laughed, swearing he was joking with her. But she realized he wasn't laughing with her. Awkward.

  Tavin shook his head and kept going. “I’m a demon. An Incubus. An Alp. The Boogie man. Whatever you want to call me. I am supposed to kill you Emily.” Wow, he wasn't pulling any punches. No gradual easing into the truth. Nope, he went right for the jugular.