Irresistible Fear

by A. Meredith Walters

  Emily felt queasy. Kill her? Really? Whatever she had expected him to say, this definitely wasn’t it. Tavin, a demon? Emily frowned at his words.

  Emily was by no means a religious person. But every summer at her Nan’s she had to attend the local church on Sunday. Her great-grandmother’s need for religion was often a bitter pill for Emily to swallow. She fell out with her Nanny’s gracious God a long time ago. Even still, she remembered Sunday school and the lessons on good and evil and demons very clearly fell on the side of big ol' evil.

  Though Emily had always imagined them to be scary, horrible things. They in no way looked like the cute boy who currently sat beside her, his eyes filled with an emotion that no demon should ever be able to feel.

  “A demon? Seriously? I'm supposed to believe this?” Emily asked scoffing at him. “I’m not making this up. I’m a demon. One of thousands who were created for one purpose…human destruction.” Tavin stopped and took a deep breath. Emily didn’t know what to say. This was complete insanity.

  “I've been around a long time, Emily.” Tavin continued. “Since almost the beginning. I've killed a lot of people and I've done horrible things.” Tavin spoke gruffly; his tone was filled with disgust and self-hatred.

  Emily cocked her eye brow at him. “Okay...well you certainly don't look like any demon I've ever heard of. You look pretty normal to me.” She didn't even want to start addressing his admission about killing people. Yeah, she'd deal with that later.

  “Well, this isn't want I typically look like. I've...altered my image to make myself more pleasing to you.” Tavin blushed. He seemed embarrassed by this. Which was so strange, given he'd just told her he was a freaking demon. Why in the world should he be embarrassed by the fact that he changed the way he looked? Boys, demon or not, were an enigma.

  “Well, what do you really look like then?” Emily couldn't help but ask. Tavin stiffened. “I don't want to show you that Emily.” She touched his arm and his skin seemed to quiver under her fingers. “Well, too bad Tavin. If I'm to swallow any of what you're spouting at me, I need to see and hear all of it, alright.” Her words were a lot braver than she felt.

  Tavin met her eyes and then he seemed to blur, like looking at someone through old, wavy glass. She couldn’t really see him, only a general outline of shape. There was a darkening. The sky overhead filled with clouds and the sun disappeared. The air felt thick, like the way it did before a storm. The smell of cinnamon was gone and replaced by something else. A heavier smell, sweet, almost like the smell of rotting food. It made Emily gag and she put her hand up over her nose.

  They were suddenly surrounded by a hazy red light and the heat became intense. She felt the sweat trickle down her back and dampen the waistband of her pants. She could barely see and she looked around wildly for Tavin. Where did he go?

  She suddenly felt the tell-tale tingling that indicated his presence. It started slowly in her hands and arms and spread all over her until she was filled with an electrical charge. She knew that he was standing behind her. She felt him there. But she was suddenly scared. Emily knew she had asked for this but she didn’t want to be horrified by the boy she loved.

  “You wanted to see the real me Emily, well here I am.” His voice sounded almost belligerent, like he was proving a point. He seemed to be daring her and Emily was never one to pass up a dare. She was the same girl who stuck her tongue to a flag pole in the middle of January just to see if it would stick after she and Jeremy watched A Christmas Story in middle school.

  Her eyes found his shoes, which were the same as he had been wearing before; black Chuck Taylors with gleaming white laces. Emily's gaze slowly traveled up the length of him. The same long, thin legs wrapped in denim jeans. Black sweater that fit him snugly.

  Her eyes finally found his face and she recoiled despite trying to control her reaction. Tavin’s face was completely distorted. It was Tavin, but it wasn’t. His black hair was longer and he still possessed some elements of his human face. But it was his eyes that scared her. His beautiful blue eyes, the eyes that were so unique…so him…were gone. They were replaced by gaping holes where they should have been. Emily didn’t know whether he could see her or not. The holes were filled with crawling, moving things. Things she didn’t want to get too close to.

  Emily looked away, the sickening sweet smell of decay overwhelming her. She knew she was going to be sick. She ran to the end of the pier and wretched over the side. She heaved until her stomach hurt. When she was done she remained hunched over, unwilling to move.

  She hated her reaction. Some part of her felt guilty, knowing that this was why Tavin hadn’t wanted her to see him. Emily’s anger was now turned inward. She was upset with herself and her inability to handle any of this. There was so much more she needed to know. But right now she grappled with the reality of him. Her Tavin. He was horrible.

  She heard his footsteps approach her. Emily knew he stood near her, but giving her the space she needed. She had closed her eyes, not wanting to look at him again and feeling bad for it. He was right. He disgusted her, she was scared of him. She didn’t know if she could get pass that. How foolish of her to think that love could save everything. What a naïve twit!

  He didn’t say a thing. Just stood there. His presence obvious in the heat he gave off. After a time, Emily realized that the horrible stench was gone and she was enveloped in cinnamon.

  Emily opened her eyes and looked up at him. Tavin had put on his human face again. But she noticed that his eyes were hard…cold. She had obviously just proven every fear he had of showing her who he truly was. She felt like such a disappointment.

  Emily wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and sat up. She rested her back against one of the posts of the pier, too weak to stand. The sky was its normal, perfect blue and the day was beautiful again. A perfect dream. Only it wasn’t perfect. Not anymore.

  “I’m sorry I freaked out.” Emily’s words obviously surprised Tavin. His eyes softened and he made to move towards her but then thought better of it. “You’re sorry? Don’t be silly.” His voice was harsh. He was angry. Emily could tell.

  “You have nothing to be sorry about Emily. This, all of this, is my fault.” Tavin's voice was rough and he turned his back to her. Emily couldn't deny what he said, because this was his fault. That angry part of her reared its ugly head and her next words were meant to hurt and maim. “You're right Tavin, this is your fault. You stole the one beautiful thing I had and now it's...tainted.” She spat. Tavin's shoulders fell with her words.

  “And you're supposed to kill me? What the hell does that mean? Should I be fearing for my life or something? Though I don't know why I should listen to anything you have to say. Because I'm feeling anything but trusting right now.” Emily swung her legs around and let them dangle over the edge of the pier.

  Tavin sat beside her, leaving plenty of distance between them. Emily watched him out of the corner of her eye as he pulled at a frayed string on his jeans. A nervous but completely human gesture. If he hadn't just shown her otherwise, she would have thought him a regular boy.

  His words came slowly, as if he were unsure how to verbalize what he needed to say. But Emily found herself drawn in by the tale he shared with her.

  “I was born to Lilith, the first wife of Adam. I’m sure you know who Adam is.” Tavin looked at her for confirmation. Emily nodded. “Sure, Adam and Eve. Garden of Eden. Gotcha. But who’s Lilith? I thought Adam’s wife was Eve?” She asked.

  Tavin continued. “Well, the Bible, as you know it, doesn’t mention Lilith but in a few places and never makes mention of her true identity. Lilith was created by God as Adam’s first wife. They were equals in all things, for they were both made in the image of God. Lilith has described her time with Adam as idyllic. They were in love and lived in this beautiful place with everything they could ever need or want. They were confident in their love for each other and the love of their God. But then things... changed.”

  Tavin stood
up and moved to the edge of the pier, once again looking out at the water. Emily stayed seated but followed him with her eyes. “They had a disagreement. A conflict about…well, what happens between a man and woman…” Tavin’s voice trailed off. He seemed embarrassed.

  “You mean sex?” Emily asked bluntly. Tavin looked back at her, a small smile on his lips, his cheeks a flaming shade of red. “Yes, I mean sex.” He turned away from her again. “Adam had always wanted to be ...well, dominate when it came to that and Lilith wouldn’t allow it…ever. So she fled from the Garden. It isn’t really known where she went and she has never spoken of that time.”

  Tavin sighed. “Lilith was gone from the Garden for a thousand years. The Earth became populated with people and her bitterness and anger at being denied the life she wanted became too great. So she began to procreate.” Emily frowned.

  “You know, have babies...with human men. She created her own demon army. I was the first of her children. The first Incubus.” Emily was startled at his words. Tavin hadn't been lying when he told her he had been around a long time.

  “Then what happened to her?” Emily was curious despite the fear his story unfurled inside of her. Tavin shrugged. “She became the Queen of the damned…the mother of all demons. And she was hunted. God could never abide by her treachery and flagrant disregard for his rules. She and her children were an abomination and needed to be struck down.” Emily shivered.

  “Three angels were sent after her, to persuade her to stop her from creating any more demons and to return to the Garden. She was to submit to God’s will and maybe, just maybe, they would let her live. I’ve got to give it to Lilith though. She wasn’t about to submit to anyone, even the Holy Creator himself.” There was a grudging respect in his voice. Emily could tell he appreciated this aspect of his mother, as much as he hated to admit it.

  “Three angels huh? Did they catch her?” Emily asked, wondering what strange twists this story would take next. Tavin nodded. “Yes, three angels hunted her all over the earth, bound by their oath to find her, destroy her children and return her to God.” There was a clear hatred in Tavin's voice. “Which angels hunted her?” Emily asked. She had heard of the arch angels and knew some of the names from Sunday school. Tavin shook his head. “I don't want their names on my lips.” Tavin said acidly. His feelings for his mother's pursuers deep and intense.

  “They found Lilith finally, after a hundred years. When they tracked her down to the deserts of Mesopotamia, she refused to give herself up. The angels were enraged. They attempted every means necessary to secure her compliance. Some of these means were less than…angelic.” There was the laugh again, bitter and hard.

  “Did they hurt her?” Emily asked quietly. She couldn’t imagine heavenly beings could be capable of violence. It didn’t fit with the image she had in her head. Well, to be honest when she thought of angels, it was mostly those little Precious Moments figurines she used to collect when she was a kid. Obviously not the type of angel Tavin was talking about.

  “Did they hurt her? They tortured her. They wounded her in every way possible, both physically and psychologically. They violated her Emily. Used her. Abused her. Tried to make her listen, to do what they wanted.” Emily was horrified. What he was talking about here was rape and torture. Emily pushed aside the images it evoked.

  Tavin took a slow, deep breath and continued with his tale. “But they didn’t count on Lilith holding out against them. No matter what they did to her she refused to comply, to give in. She had made up her mind to remain free, free of the constraints of humanity and being Adam’s wife. She was her own woman and she would never bow to any man. So she fled from them…again and made her eternal vow; to never return to the Garden. She vowed to continue to populate the earth with the worst kind of being, as punishment to humanity and to God for sending the angels, her attackers, after her. She was filled with anger, with rage, with violence and it's only festered and grown as time has passed.” Tavin had started strong but his voice trailed off toward the end. Emily was silent, not moving. She didn’t know what she could say after hearing such a story.

  Tavin looked vulnerable. He looked more approachable but Emily couldn’t allow herself to go near him. She remained hard, refusing to indulge the urge to touch him. So she asked him more questions.

  “What is an incubus? I’ve never heard of it.” Emily watched as he stood and began to pace. “An incubus is a soul sucker, Emily. We live for the single purpose of creating fear and terror. We are nightmares, the monsters in the dark. For thousands of years I have marked a human, I have made them my own. I infiltrate their memories, their soul and take from them every bad thought and experience and use it against them. I create nightmare after nightmare in order to make them scared; to instill their fear. I feed off of it Emily. I need it to live. Without it, I die.” Tavin finally looked at her, met her gaze head on.

  He had called himself a soul sucker. Even though he had said it in a negative way, Emily wanted to argue, that he didn't need to steal her soul. That she had already given it to him...along with her heart. Despite everything, she knew that with 100% certainty. But she couldn't reconcile her heart with her rational mind. Because she was terrified of him. The very thing Tavin had been so afraid would happen, had. Because she wanted to leave, turn her back on all of this. Her survival instinct was taking over and she needed to listen to it.

  “You feed off of my fear? How do you do that?” She whispered to him. Her fright seemed to have taken her voice. Tavin, sensing the change in her mood, seemed to stiffen and continue with his explanations almost recklessly; viciously.

  “Oh yes. Imagine eating the most delicious meal you can think of. Juicy steak and steaming mashed potatoes finished with a slice of your favorite carrot cake.” Tavin listed off Emily’s favorite foods. “That is what it is like Emily. Eating someone’s fear is more tantalizing, more mouthwatering than the most delectable food. It is an unimaginable high, totally satisfying.” Emily’s stomach clenched at the raw hunger in his voice.

  “But the human mark has to die. It’s the way it is. One life for another.” He seemed so cold, so unreachable. Emily had never heard him like this and everything inside of her wanted to run from him. “It’s the way it is? But you said you won’t kill me. What happens then?” “No. I won’t kill you. You aren’t like the others. This…”He gestured between them “Isn’t like before.”

  That seemed the only answer he was willing to give on that subject so she rushed ahead, thinking of one of the million other questions she had. “So, um…how many people have you killed?” She moved uncomfortably. Tavin gave her a look that spoke volumes. She knew the answer without him saying a word. He had killed…a lot. “I’ve lost count.” He said softly.

  Emily swallowed loudly. Her mouth felt dry and her tongue was thick. Her head was swimming and everything that felt safe was turned upside down. She was in turmoil, her mind reeling from the information.

  “Tell me about how you choose your…what did you call it?” “My mark.” He answered for her. Emily smirked. “It makes you sound like a mafia hit man.” Tavin let out a humorless laugh. “Interesting comparison.” He said as he put his hands in his pockets and leaned back. His body seemed relaxed as if they were talking about the weather. His face was cold, a mask…so different than the warmth she had seen there earlier. She didn’t know how to reach that part of him. Didn’t know if that part was even real or more of an illusion than anything else she had seen.

  “There are certain types of people we’re drawn to.” Tavin stopped for a moment, staring at her. “Sad people, individuals who have known tragedy. These people are easier to attach ourselves too. They don’t even notice the change. They often welcome the fear, the pain. They wallow in it. People who are victims, who are depressed, are often sweeter. They will, most times, welcome their eventual end. It makes it easier for us. When they already want death.” Emily couldn’t suppress the chill that broke out along her flesh.

  Did
she want death? Is that why Tavin marked her? Sure, she had been depressed. Her life had been an unending series of tragic events, so it made sense this demon would find her. But she had never once thought of suicide. That wasn't her way, to just give up.

  “Well I don't want to die Tavin.” She whispered, not wanting to say the thought any louder. Tavin laughed harshly. “Of course you do Emily.”

  Chapter 29

  He was being cruel. He knew that. He didn’t want to hurt her, to scare her, yet she needed to know, to see him for what he was. After watching her reaction to his demonic self he knew she couldn’t handle this; being with the real him. The emotions that he had so recently begun to feel for himself, that were wholly his, began to fragment. He felt that thing in his chest that could be known as a heart, break. She was disgusted by him. Even worse, he terrified her.

  “What do you mean I want to die? I just told you I don't want to die. Don't confuse me with one of those pathetic humans you've dealt with in the past. Because let me tell you, that isn’t me.” Emily’s voice was hard and angry. Maybe it was best that she was so angry with him. It would be easier for her in the long run to distance her emotions from him, as much as it killed him for her to do just that.

  “You welcome the dark, the intense rush of almost death. Because that’s what I am Emily…death. And you wanting to be here with me is putting you one step closer to it.” He whispered softly to her. His words seemed to shake her out of the rage she felt. She became still and her face blank.

  Emily moved away from him. Every step a knife in his gut. The lack of feeding was manifesting in physical pain, unlike anything he had ever experienced. It was the most human he had ever felt, swallowed by this agony.