Seriously Messed Up: A Laugh Out Loud Romantic Comedy

by Luke Young

  Eli readied the instrument in his hands. The frenzied crowd cheered as Savannah retrieved her guitar and returned to the microphone. She turned to Eli and smiled. The audience grew silent. Eli gazed out at all the attention and closed his eyes for a moment. Opening his eyes, he checked the position of his hands on the neck. He adjusted his fingers, took a deep breath then hit his first chord. He played the intro to the song and as soon as the realization washed over the crowd that he was playing “Purple Rain” the audience went apeshit.

  Savannah sang and joined in on guitar along with the rest of the band. Eli made a few mistakes along the way, but none were bad enough that the cheering crowd noticed. Midway through the song when they hit another instrumental section, the band and Savannah stopped playing and they let Eli take over with his guitar shredding solo.

  Savannah beamed, pacing quickly around the stage lifting her arms into the air to egg on the crowd while Eli worked the strings vigorously. He must have somehow been channeling the spirit of the late artist or maybe it was a beer and some sort of adrenaline-filled miracle that drove his performance. Who knows? It was nowhere near as impressive as Adam Levine’s mind-blowing electric guitar shredding performance of that same song at Howard Stern’s Birthday bash in 2014, but it was still pretty fucking awesome.

  When the shredding was done, Savannah brought the microphone over to Eli and together they sang the “Woo Hoo Hoo Hoo” part over and over as the band joined back in.

  The audience went crazy and when they’d played the last note, Savannah took a quick bow, eliciting even louder cheers from the crowd. She took a few steps back from Eli, praising him once again with a we’re-not-worthy bow. This sent the decibel level up two notches in the now quaking arena. Eli broke into a wide smile, lifting his hand in the air and waving them to quiet the crowd. This only fueled the cheering and he turned toward Savannah shaking his head and covering his mouth.

  Grinning, she walked to him and hugged him again. Then taking his hand, she lifted it in the air drawing more cheers. She brought the microphone to her face and boomed, “Thank you!”

  12

  Approximately one thousand miles south in Tampa Florida, Anne parked her rental car in the garage of her large beach house then headed inside with her luggage. She stepped into the kitchen and frowned for a moment at the room that Michael designed. Remodeled just after they purchased the house, the space featured cabinets and countertops that were not to her liking at all. Michael had picked out almost everything in the house including the fixtures when they remodeled the bathrooms as well. When they started the design process, it seemed like they were doing it together, but his opinion would always win out over hers. She loved the architecture and the layout of the house, but had serious issues with the remodel and furnishings that her ex had thrust upon her. With her ex enjoying her dream trip to France, with another woman no less, she decided that she simply wanted to see the property one last time before selling it—a sale that was happening to satisfy the divorce agreement.

  She headed to the back of the house and opened the French doors leading out to the pool. As much as she detested the interior, the backyard was a completely different story. She loved it and planned to spend as much time enjoying it as she could. On the left was a large freeform pool, complete with a decorative rock area waterfall leading to a higher-level hot tub that overlooked it. On the right, an outdoor kitchen with a large television and huge seating area were all under cover of a roof. Gorgeously landscaped, private and secluded, it was a veritable oasis for relaxation and a perfect space to throw a large party. Fortunately, the previous owners had designed it and not her overbearing and uncompromising ex-husband.

  She smiled for the first time in a few days, taking in the view. She cocked her head, thinking it was probably a good time for a celebratory drink. After heading inside to open one of her favorite bottles of wine, she returned to the yard. Kicking off her shoes, she slumped down on a chaise lounge and sipped from her glass.

  Exhausted from traveling and tipsy from her second glass of wine, she headed inside to go to bed. After dropping off her luggage in the master bedroom, she stripped out of her clothes and stepped into the shower.

  Once refreshed, she put on a nightshirt and underwear then pulled the covers back and slipped into bed. She closed her eyes and sighed, her mind racing as she tried to will herself to sleep. As tired as she was, it wasn’t in her grasp at that moment. She checked the clock before gazing up at the ceiling, watching the fan blades spinning slowly in the darkened room.

  Closing her eyes, she folded her arms and tried to clear her mind. She visualized herself on the beach, relaxing and listening to the gentle crash of the waves washing onto the shore. She paid close attention to her breathing, slowing it, hoping it would help her fall asleep. After another thirty unsuccessful minutes, she gave up and turned on the light.

  Deciding to watch an episode of the series she was enjoying on Netflix, she grabbed the Mac beside the bed and opened the lid. She paused to remember the password Michael set for this shared computer. When she finally remembered that it was simply Password with a capital P, she typed it in. As the computer came to life, she placed it next to her and picked up the remote control, hitting the power button.

  As the television screen brightened, she used the AirPlay feature to broadcast the Mac to the big screen. In the lower left-hand corner of the computer screen, something caught her eye. It appeared to be a close-up of a naked rear end. She expanded it to full size, and then glanced up at the television.

  It was a man’s rear end. A relatively large one and it looked strangely familiar.

  She closed her eyes a moment and held her breath contemplating her next move. Should she actually watch it? Her curiosity got the best of her and she clicked play. Turning her attention to the screen, her jaw fell open.

  As the video played, the man approached the bed. After a few steps, he turned to look toward the camera. He puffed his chest out in an obvious attempt to check himself out. It was her ex-husband, Michael.

  A naked woman Anne did not recognize sat in bed leaning against the headboard. The woman said, “You’re going to erase this, right?”

  “Sure right after we watch it,” Michael replied.

  Anne rolled her eyes, exhaling sharply.

  He’s messing with you too, honey!

  A look of horror spread over her face as the video continued.

  Climbing up on the bed, Michael perched on all fours, filling the screen with a frightening view of his somewhat flabby ass and low-hanging, wrinkled balls.

  Anne cringed.

  Michael flopped down next to the woman providing Anne with a much-needed change of scenery; that’s when the realization smacked her in the face. He videotaped the sleazy affair in this very room.

  In this bed.

  And worst of all she recognized the sheets.

  It was the same damn set!

  Leaping up from the mattress, she shielded her view of the screen, scanning the room for the remote control. She spotted it in the center of the king-size bed next to the laptop and cursed. She’d need to climb back on the mattress to retrieve it. She didn’t want to touch it now. She didn’t want to touch anything in that room. The very sight of the home porno set was making her sick to her stomach.

  Suddenly, she heard a moan on the screen and Michael’s voice roared as he said, “That’s it. Suck it.”

  She nearly dry-heaved, covering her mouth as she looked quickly around the room in a panic. Spotting a book on the nightstand, she grabbed it. She leaned over the mattress being careful not to let any part of her body touch the sheets. She used the book to slide the remote within arm’s reach. Once she did, she took a tissue and placed it around the remote. She pointed it at the television and pressed the covered power button, finally turning it off.

  Unfortunately, the laptop continued to play the video and although she could not see the goings-on, she could certainly hear them and it wasn’t pleasant. Mov
ing to the side of the bed, she tossed the book toward the computer, closing it about halfway, before the book landed on the floor on the opposite side.

  As the home video continued playing, she heard the woman say, “You’re so big.”

  Cringing, Anne retrieved the book and once again leaned over the bed, straining toward the computer. When she reached it, she pressed down, finishing the job of closing the screen. With the audio now stopped, it spared her from any further trauma. She dropped the book, picked up her robe and rushed out of the room.

  13

  With the concert now over, Savannah, Eli and the band hung out in a large room along with more than twenty other people. Eli wore a broad smile and held another beer as he was overwhelmed with congratulations and praise for his performance. Derek entered the room, with four young women including Nicole and Christie.

  Two people were selected from Savannah’s five million Facebook followers and each could bring a guest. The lucky winners were awarded limo transportation, two front row tickets and this once-in-a-lifetime meet-and-greet opportunity.

  Nicole and Christie were star-struck and their eyes lit up when they saw Savannah as they waited for their chance to meet her. Derek brought over the first two winners and Savannah smiled brightly as she spoke with them. The two hugged a surprised Eli and, as they headed over to the refreshment table, he shared a grin with Savannah. Next, Derek escorted Nicole and Christie to the singer.

  “I’m happy you could come to the show,” Savannah said.

  “Thank you so much for the opportunity.” Christie bounced nervously on her heels.

  Nicole beamed. “It was amazing.”

  “I’d like to introduce you to Eli.” Savannah motioned toward her hero.

  The two women turned to him and Nicole said, “You were great up there.”

  “Thank you,” he replied.

  “I love Purple Rain.” Christie put her hands over her chest, closing her eyes for a moment. “I’ve never heard it done acoustically like that. I was literally crying.”

  “He was incredible.” Savannah turned to Eli and placed her hand on his arm. “You are welcome to play with us anytime.”

  “Since I just lost my job today, I might have to take you up on that.” Smiling, he took a swig from his bottle.

  “You didn’t tell me that.”

  “We’ve been sort of busy haven’t we?”

  “We have been,” Savannah agreed.

  “I’ve got to say my day really took a turn for the better when I met you,” he began. “I mean, it wasn’t so great right when I met you, but after…”

  “Yeah, after you saved me,” Savannah said.

  “You’ve got to stop saying that.” Eli rolled his eyes. “I’m serious. I really didn’t—”

  “Shut up. I’m never going to forget it.”

  “Okay. Okay.” Eli’s gaze went from Nicole to Christie then finally to Savannah. He shook his head. “I can’t believe I’m standing here with three beautiful women. Savannah, you have the most gorgeous fans. I mean, just breathtaking.”

  “Aww.” Savannah gasped. “You’re sweet.”

  Nicole said, “Thank you.”

  “He is sweet.” Christie spotted his wedding ring. “Too bad he’s married.”

  Lifting his hand up, Eli said, “Not for long.”

  “You’re getting a divorce.” Savannah gave him a concerned look. “That’s so sad.”

  “I’d say a divorce is definitely on the horizon,” Eli grumbled then he continued in a matter-of-fact tone, “I probably should’ve also mentioned that after I got fired, before I was almost gunned down at a gas station, I came home to find my wife, um, um…”

  “What?” Savannah asked.

  “She was sorta”—he cringed—“banging the pool guys.”

  The three women gazed at him dumbfounded.

  Savannah snapped, “You’re kidding!”

  “Nope.” He tossed back the rest of his beer in one giant gulp. “I wish.”

  “Wow, all in the same day?” Nicole shook her head. “That is like seriously messed up.”

  “I think this gives new meaning to something being seriously messed up,” Christie began. “It’s like super-seriously messed up!”

  “Tell me about it. I can’t say I’ve ever had a day this…this…let’s say, this eventful in my life.” He exhaled deeply and lifted his hands up in surrender.

  “The pool guys?” Christie’s jaw dropped open.

  “Yep, we were having our pool resurfaced.” He widened his eyes. “Evidently they took a little break from that and were working on my wife.”

  “Unbelievable,” Savannah said. Turning, she spotted her manager and called out, “Derek, please get my friend here another beer.”

  “You’ve got it,” Derek replied.

  “You two want anything?” Savannah directed her attention to the young women.

  “Sure, I’d love a beer,” Christie replied.

  “I’d love one too,” Nicole said.

  “I’ll get them,” Eli said.

  “Don’t you move.” Savannah put her hand up to stop him. “You’ve done more than enough already today.”

  “All right.”

  Savannah grabbed the empty bottle from him. “Ladies, take care of my hero here and I’ll be right back. Let’s all have one more then we’re heading to the after-party.”

  “Sounds good,” Eli replied.

  “Christie, Nicole are you in?” Savannah asked and she looked at the two, waiting.

  The two young women shared a smile and a nod then replied almost in unison, “We are.”

  “Good.” Savannah headed away.

  Eli took a deep breath, folding his hands across his chest. “I could get used to this treatment.”

  After another round, a luxury bus transported the group to a private room in a popular restaurant in town. The spread of food was delicious and the drinks were flowing like crazy. Eli, Savannah and his two new admirers sat in a circular booth drinking beer, laughing and talking.

  A waiter dropped off four vodka shots and Savannah grabbed her glass, raising it. “Ready?”

  Eli, Nicole and Christie lifted their glasses up.

  Savannah said, “To Eli and new beginnings. One. Two. Three.”

  The four slammed back the shot, pressed their lips together all wearing almost identical distasteful expressions.

  Savannah turned to Eli. “What are you going to do now?”

  “My friend has a beach house in Tampa that he’s going to let me use.” He cringed. “I was going to book a flight for tomorrow, but with everything that happened today I guess it slipped my mind.”

  Savannah’s eyes brightened. “The tour is heading to Atlanta tomorrow. I can have the plane drop you off after.”

  He said, “No, I couldn’t put you out like that. I’m sure—”

  “Do I even need to say it,” she interrupted. “You know, I will say it. Just like I told Derek earlier, you saved me from becoming a human shield and—”

  “Human shield!” Nicole interrupted. “You never mentioned that.”

  “I didn’t want to tell everyone at the concert. Of all the ways I thought I might die, that was not one that never crossed my mind.” Savannah paused for a moment shaking her head. “Human shields usually don’t have the best chances of…of…”

  “Okay! I give up.” He held back a smile, embarrassed. “But that’s the last favor I’m letting you do for me. I’m serious.”

  “We’ll see about that.” Savannah shot him a mock scolding look.

  “Next you’ll be putting me on the payroll.”

  “That could be arranged,” Savannah said.

  “Forget it. I’m going to relax for a while and recharge the batteries. I’ve got some severance pay coming and I’m going to take some time before I plan my next move.”

  “Whatever you say.” Spotting the waiter walking by, Savannah called out, “One more round of shots.”

  “Seriously?” Eli frowne
d.

  “Just one more,” the singer began. “You got to completely clear your mind to start fresh, right?”

  “You mean destroy all my brain cells in one night,” he quipped.

  “Not all. Some,” Savannah said.

  Eli said, “All right, one more. I’d like to be conscious tomorrow.”

  Christie turned to the superstar. “After Atlanta where do you go?”

  “Orlando then Miami then we’re heading west,” Savannah replied.

  Nicole said, “I love Florida. I was born there.”

  “Where?” Eli asked.

  “Lake Mary. It’s not too far from Orlando.”

  Savannah turned to Eli. “Where are you staying tonight?”

  He replied, “I have a room at a motel.”

  “Motel?” Savannah rolled her eyes. “I think we can do better.”

  After shooting him a cocky smile, Savannah grabbed her phone from the table and typed.

  He waited until she returned her attention to him and said, “My room really is horrible, so I won’t fight you there.”

  “Good, because we have an entire block of suites.”

  “Okay, you’ve been plying me with booze all night.” Eli rose to his feet, pointing toward the restrooms. “So I’m going to excuse myself before the shots come.”

  The three women watched him go then Christie said, “I really wish there was something I could do to make him feel better.”

  “Me too,” Nicole added.

  “Someone should do something.” Savannah paused and turned to the young women. “There’s an old Chinese proverb that says when someone saves your life, you are indebted to them for the rest of yours—unless of course, you can somehow save their life.”

  “I’ve heard that,” Nicole said.

  “I don’t think there’s much chance of me saving his life and my boyfriend would kill me if I, you know…”

  “Who are you dating now?” Christie asked, beaming.

  “Peter Harrington.”

  “No way,” Nicole exclaimed. “He’s like crazy hot.”

  “But what happened to Carter?” Christie asked.

  Savannah replied, “He’s with someone else now.”