Seriously Messed Up: A Laugh Out Loud Romantic Comedy

by Luke Young

  “I was sorta hoping it felt a little better than it looks.”

  “Well, it doesn’t.” Reaching inside, he carefully covered his erection then lowered the pants and freed the monster. He stood up straight and finally exhaled deeply.

  “Hey, I’ve got an idea.” Nicole wrapped a sweat jacket around his waist and tied it.

  “You can still see it.” Christie shook her head. Holding back a laugh, she slipped the arm of the jacket over his erection. “How’s this?”

  He appeared completely ridiculous with the arm of the jacket jutting out from his groin. The women laughed hysterically. He stood with his hands on his hips, scowling at them.

  “Hold on.” Nicole headed to the sofa.

  “I can’t go out like this,” Eli said.

  “Stay like that for a second.” Nicole turned to him with her phone and quickly snapped a picture.

  “Jesus.” Eli gasped. “What was that?”

  “Oh, I’m just capturing more memories.” Nicole dropped her phone on the sofa then rifled through the clothing.

  “Great,” he grumbled.

  “Wait, try the sweats.” Nicole grabbed a pair of sweatpants from the pile.

  The women helped him carefully pull them on, one leg at a time. However when he stood upright, his problem area was tenting the pants unmistakably. Christie and Nicole shared an odd expression.

  Turning back to the situation, Nicole raised an eyebrow. “It’s, um…”

  Eli looked down rolling his eyes. “It’s what?”

  “It’s not bad,” Nicole said timidly.

  “Not bad!” He scoffed. “I fucking look like Jared from Subway at a Girl Scout convention.”

  Christie rose to her feet, cocking her head. She studied him and said weakly, “You can barely notice.”

  He shot her a deadly glare.

  “Okay,” Christie began. “Short of cutting it off, I think this is your only other option.”

  “You’re right.” Sighing, Eli nodded. “This is going to have to work. Just give me the jacket and let’s go.”

  27

  After an uneventful Uber ride to the hospital and an unusually short wait for admission to the emergency room, Eli sat on the hospital bed. The jacket covered his still bulging lap. The women sat in chairs nearby when a female doctor entered the room reviewing a chart.

  “I’m Doctor Patton.” She looked up from the page. “Mr. Stevens, I understand that you have some sort of problem with your penis. Is that correct?”

  “I do.” He cleared his throat then handed over the pill bottle, refusing to look her in the eye. “I took these and I’ve been like this for about five hours. It’s also incredibly sensitive.”

  The doctor examined the bottle, her expression unreadable. “One pill about five hours ago?”

  “Five and a half and, um, well, I…”

  “What’s that?” the doctor asked.

  “I took two,” he admitted, guiltily.

  The doctor raised an eyebrow as she pulled on a pair of latex gloves. “Two?”

  Cringing, he lifted one shoulder. “Uh, I was with two women so I figured…”

  “It doesn’t say take one for each partner in your sex orgy,” she scolded. “Any alcohol tonight?

  Eli replied embarrassedly, “Just some wine.”

  “Did you see the warning label?” Patton asked.

  “After.” Eli shrugged. “I saw it after I took them.”

  Patton glanced to Christie and Nicole then opened her mouth to speak, but had nothing. After pausing a moment, she returned to the patient. “All right, let’s have a look. Please stand.” She wheeled a stool close to the bed and sat down.

  Eli stood, pulled the jacket away from his crotch exposing his massive bulge. After dropping the jacket on the bed, he carefully lowered his sweatpants to his knees.

  The doctor narrowed her eyes. “You didn’t mention the discoloration.”

  “What do you mean?”

  Cocking her head, Patton leaned in for a closer look and pointed toward the lower portion of his shaft. “The discoloration in this area here. I’ve seen reactions to this type of drug before, but never like this.”

  “That’s the color,” he replied, insulted. “The normal color it’s always been.”

  “Even on this part?”

  He craned his neck. “What part?”

  The doctor pointed to a particular area, her nose wrinkled. “Right here.”

  “Yes, that’s what it looks like, when it’s…” Eli let out a frustrated groan. “Can you please just get it to go down? That’s all I need.”

  “Sorry, yes. Did you try to climax to relieve the erection?”

  “I did.” He nodded. “It’s just too sensitive.”

  The doctor began to touch it and Eli pressed his lips together fighting back the urge to scream.

  “Is it sensitive here?”

  “Yes.”

  Patton pressed her finger near the tip. “Here?”

  “Yes, especially there.” He winced and lifted his shoulders up, folding his arms over his chest.

  “Here?” Patton touched the underside of his penis.

  He blew out an exasperated breath. “Yes, pretty much all over. Okay!”

  “All right.” The doctor pushed away from him to a desk, peeled off the gloves and wrote in the chart.

  Eli pulled his sweatpants back up and sat on the bed.

  “Mr. Stevens, I’ll be right back.” She stood and headed out the door.

  Eli turned toward his female friends. “I hope we get out of here soon.”

  “I’m sure we will.” Nicole gave him a supportive smile.

  A few minutes later the door burst open and Dr. Patton along with ten members of the hospital staff poured into the room.

  “What’s going on?” Eli asked with alarm.

  “Mr. Stevens,” a male doctor began. “You’re back.”

  Eli knitted his brows together, puzzled. “Yes.”

  “I treated you when you were in the other day,” the doctor said.

  “Oh, yeah.” Eli waved meekly. After quickly scanning all the other faces in the room, he cleared his throat and motioned toward Dr. Patton, whispering, “Is this necessary? I really don’t want to have an audience.”

  “Now, Mr. Stevens, this is a teaching hospital. We’re all professionals. It’s important for our whole team to benefit from this experience.”

  “He doesn’t look like a professional.”

  “Who?”

  Eli pointed to a man wearing a dark uniform standing in the back of the room. “That guy. The one dressed like a janitor.”

  The doctor scanned the group. She shook her head, raising an eyebrow. “Frank?”

  Frank frowned and slipped out the door. Dr. Patton rubbed her hands together then turned back to the patient. “The patient has taken two tablets of an herbal medication called Forlong. That combined WITH alcohol can, in some cases, lead to oversensitivity and an erection that lasts for hours.”

  The doctor handed the bottle to the nurse standing near her. The nurse read the label for a moment and broke into a giggle before passing it to the next staff member. Eli watched in horror while the bottle made its way around the room eliciting similar reactions.

  “Now in this case there is hypersensitivity. Let’s take a look.” The doctor motioned to Eli with her eyes wide.

  “Seriously?” Eli scrunched his face up.

  “Please.”

  Closing his eyes, Eli sighed. After glancing to Nicole and Christie, he stood while still holding the jacket in front of his groin.

  “Mr. Stevens.” The doctor shot him a tired look.

  He exhaled, dropped the jacket on the bed then carefully lowered the sweatpants exposing his erection. Soft laughter and inaudible comments filled the room and his gaze darted around in search of the sources.

  A male member of the staff said, “Is that discoloration a result of the hypersensitivity or the prolonged erection?”

  “The
re is no—” Eli pressed his lips together then grunted. “It’s just a…I think we’ve all seen one before.”

  Mild laughter erupted in the room. The patient frowned with his palms up and his mouth hanging open. Leaning toward Nicole, he whispered. “Is there anything wrong with the color?”

  She returned a shrug along with an apologetic hand-gesture. “It is sort of red.”

  “What?”

  “You know, it’s a little more reddish than most,” Nicole said quietly.

  Eli looked down dejectedly and ran a hand through his hair. “Can we please wrap this up? My head is pounding. I only need to, you know, get rid of this…this swelling.”

  Doctor Patton pulled on latex gloves then placed her hand under his penis. Eli cringed and took in a deep breath.

  “Now we’ll be taking a blood gas measurement.” Doctor Patton turned to the audience. “Nurse, may I have the needle please?”

  “Needle?” Eli’s eyes opened wide.

  “Yes, we need to see how long the condition has been present and check for any damage.”

  “With a needle!”

  The nurse produced the needle from a tray.

  “That’s the only way to test for it.” The doctor turned toward the nurse and grabbed it.

  The eyes of every man in the room locked on the needle and they flinched. Eli suddenly felt faint. When the doctor inserted the needle, people on other floors of the hospital claimed to have heard his girly scream.

  The result of the blood gas test showed that the patient wasn’t in any immediate danger. Next, he was given a decongestant to rid him of his chronic erection. When that didn’t solve the problem, a larger needle was used to drain the blood from his stiffy. That accomplished three things. First, it caused the exhausted and stressed patient to pass out; secondly and more importantly, it relieved all the pent-up pressure, bringing the patient back to his normal flaccid state. Thirdly, it allowed Nicole to capture a few more pictures of the unconscious patient to document more of her exciting vacation.

  After a few hours of monitoring, the doctor discharged Eli with instructions to abstain from any form of sex for forty-eight hours, avoid erection enhancing supplements forever, and use his head in the future.

  No, his other head.

  28

  The three vacationers returned to the beach house after sunrise and spent the entire day sleeping to recover. Eli was, of course, in a foul mood when he woke around dinnertime and other than calling for a pizza, the three pretty much relaxed the rest of the night. After a decent night’s sleep, they all decided to make the best of their trip and get out of the house that afternoon.

  At the beach near the hotel Don CeSar, Eli, Nicole and Christie reclined in lounge chairs in the sand. Nicole and Christie read eBooks on their cell phones while Eli stared out at the Gulf.

  Christie placed her hand on Nicole’s arm and motioned to Eli. They shared a concerned expression and Nicole sat up in her chair, turning toward him. “Hey, are you doing okay?”

  “Yeah, why?”

  She replied, “We’re worried about you after the other day and all that stuff.”

  “No, I’m good. I was thinking about getting a Coke or something. You want anything?” He rose to his feet. “Christie, you want a drink?”

  “I’ll take one,” Nicole said.

  “Me too,” Christie said.

  He headed toward the poolside bar and the women watched as he walked away. When he was half way there, Christie exhaled deeply. “We need to cheer him up somehow.”

  “I know.”

  “He’s out of commission for another day so sex is out.” Nicole nodded. “Maybe a movie?”

  “I don’t know.” Christie raised a shoulder. “Something.”

  Nicole’s eyes widened. “Hey, there’s Anne.”

  Wearing running gear, Anne stepped off the path into the sand. She pulled the earbuds out of her ears. Standing together, Eli pointed toward the outdoor bar and the two began an animated conversation.

  Christie said, “He seems a little happier now.”

  Nicole grinned. “He does.”

  Giggling, Anne tucked a stray hair behind her ear then gently touched his arm. Her fingers lingered there for a few seconds before she took a step backward, placed her earbuds back into her ears and jogged away.

  The women shared a smile then turned their attention to Eli who gazed dreamily at Anne as she headed down the path. Obviously still captivated, Eli stepped onto the blacktop and right into the path of a runner, who barely avoided crashing into him. The two brushed slightly into one another. When the runner reached out to Eli to prevent the collision, Eli lost his balance and spun off the path, ending up on all fours in the sand. The runner looked back over his shoulder. He continued down the path, groaning and cursing with his hands in the air.

  Eli called out to the runner, “Sorry about that.” He made eye contact with Christie and Nicole who were both now laughing. He shot them a goofy grin. Rising to his feet, he checked both ways carefully before heading toward the bar.

  29

  The next day the still sex-starved trio took a trip to Busch Gardens and had a ton of fun on the rides. After enjoying dinner out, they went back to the beach house. As the sun was about to set, Eli sat near the pool sipping a beer and gazing out at the water. He sighed and his eyes drifted closed. He woke suddenly feeling a hand on his shoulder. He discovered Christie and Nicole standing before him in their bathing suits.

  “You must be tired,” Christie said.

  “No, I’m fine. Just dozed off for a second.”

  “You sure?” Nicole asked.

  “I am. You guys want to go out or something? We could hit that bar we saw or go to a movie.”

  “We were thinking of doing something else.” Nicole shared a sexy smile with her friend.

  “What?” He raised an eyebrow.

  “It’s been more than two days since your unfortunate incident.” Christie bounced up and down on her heels, giving him a suggestive look. “And we figured it’s time.”

  “Time?” Eli seemed confused for a moment until a look of realization spread over his face. “Oh, time.”

  “Yes, just relax down here finishing your beer. We need a few minutes anyway.” Nicole placed a hand on his shoulder. “Meet us upstairs in the tub.”

  He swallowed hard. “I can do that.”

  Christie and Nicole waved goodbye suggestively, then turned and headed toward the house. He watched them go with his mouth hanging open and without blinking a single time. When they disappeared into the house, he held his beer up to discover that he had more than half left. As he drank, thoughts slammed around in his head. How much time should he wait?

  Should he drink fast or slow?

  Would he actually be able to perform without any male enhancement substances?

  Would he be too nervous even to get it up?

  Would he die of a heart attack in the middle of the whole thing?

  Or, most importantly, would an airplane crash into the house when he was one micron from inserting his male parts into one of their female parts?

  With his luck, that seemed like the most likely outcome.

  After finishing the beer, he glanced up at the bathroom window about seven times before deciding to make his move. He rose to his feet, rubbed his hands together then checked the night sky for any signs of distressed aircraft before heading inside.

  When he reached the bathroom, he took in the romantic and sexy sight of six candles surrounding the large bathtub. Christie and Nicole lounged back in the bubble bath with their hair pulled up. All he could see was from their necks up, but it was still the sexiest image he could imagine. Inside the doorframe, he stopped in his tracks and held his breath.

  Christie picked up a bottle of bath oil, poured it into the water and swirled it around.

  “Hi,” he said softly.

  “Hey.” Nicole shifted over to make room for him. “We’ve been waiting for you.”

  H
e dropped his bathing suit and slipped in between them settling into the warm water. He looked at Nicole on his left then to Christie on his right and said, “This is…just perfect.”

  Christie rose to her knees before him, her magnificent and bubble-adorned breasts, popping out of the water along with her. His attention went immediately there and pretty much most of the extraneous blood in his body headed toward his recently hospital-staff-scrutinized equipment.

  Nicole turned toward him. Placing her hands on his shoulders, she guided him between her legs with his back resting on her breasts. She sensuously washed his shoulders with a loofah as Christie settled in front of him with her hands on his chest.

  Eli moaned. “This feels so good.”

  “Does it?” Christie asked.

  He nodded slowly and closed his eyes. “Uh-huh.”

  As Nicole ran the loofah down his arm, Christie’s hands worked their way lower to his groin. Her eyes rounded as she wrapped her fingers around his erection. “This seems like it’s back to normal.”

  He opened his eyes and sighed. “I think it is.”

  Christie gave him a hesitant look. “Not too sensitive?”

  He shook his head. “No.”

  “Mm-hmm.” Christie stroked him gently with her eyes closed.

  “I think you’re finally going to get lucky, Mr. Hero,” Nicole said.

  “I sure hope so.” He gasped and brought his hands behind him to cup Nicole’s ass.

  Nicole kissed his neck and whispered in his ear, “You’re never going to forget this.”

  “I want him first.” Taking hold of his arm, Christie coaxed him forward and onto his knees. His erection pointed directly at her breasts, she gazed down at it and grinned. “This really does seem to be in full working order.”

  “Uh-huh.” He stared down to her mesmerized.

  Christie wrapped her fingers around his shaft and guided the tip onto her slippery, beaded nipple. She worked it all around as Eli’s eyelids fluttered closed.

  “That feels incredible.” He groaned.

  “Your butt is so cute.” Nicole reached out and cupped the cheeks of his ass with both hands. Then she sensually ran her fingers to the center of him and teasingly over his balls.