Seriously Messed Up: A Laugh Out Loud Romantic Comedy

by Luke Young

“Oh, wow.” He glanced back and panted. “Thanks.”

  Moving forward, Christie took his erection between her breasts, pressing them together around his girth. She tilted her chin to her chest, smiling.

  He thrust his hips slowly, sliding his cock between her wet, hot, soft, soapy breasts while wearing the brightest of smiles.

  If ever there was a moment to smile, this was it.

  Christie pushed her flesh around him more firmly and Eli thrusted faster and faster, moaning loudly. Suddenly, his eyes widened and his lips parted. “Hold on. Hold on.”

  “What is it?” Christie asked.

  “If I don’t stop I’m going to…”

  “Just let go,” Christie replied. “We have all night.”

  “No.” He pulled back from her and settled into the water. “I’d better take a break.”

  “Okay.” Christie struggled to catch her breath.

  He ran his fingers through his hair. “I just need a minute.”

  “In that case, why don’t you relax while we change into some things we bought the other day.” Nicole kissed his neck.

  “I can do that.” He watched in a dreamlike state as they carefully stepped out of the tub. The pair made a show of languidly drying their gorgeously wet, bubble-covered bodies before him. As they bent forward almost at the same moment to dry their feet, showing off their curvy rear ends, he nearly exploded right there.

  Christie turned back to him. “We’ll call when we’re ready.”

  “I’ll be waiting,” Eli replied softly, leaning back. After a moment, his eyes opened wide. He needed to wash before, you know, the big event and wash everything good. Rising to his knees, he examined the many bottles interspersed between burning candles, searching for body wash. Spotting an open bottle, he picked it up then read that it was bath oil. As he went to return it to the edge, it slipped from his grip and into the water, its contents spilling into the tub. With wet hands, he grabbed the bottle from the water. He lifted it up at an angle and more oil poured from the top.

  After locating the cap, he twisted it on and placed the bottle down. He found the body wash and took care of some much-needed cleansing. He leaned forward to peer out into the bedroom hoping to spot the two beauties and he could not. Disappointed, he settled back into the water.

  Placing his arms along the edge of the tub, he slid a candle away a few inches then closed his eyes and waited. He began to fantasize. An image of a woman in lingerie popped into his head. But it wasn’t Christie or Nicole. It was Anne.

  Anne stood before the tub wearing a black lace teddy. Her cleavage accentuated by the sexy lingerie and her pink nipples showing through the thin fabric. He gasped loudly. She took a step closer to him while running her hands seductively over her stomach to her breasts.

  Anne moaned. “Oh, Eli.”

  Taking hold of the straps, she seductively slid them off her shoulders and down slowly until…

  “Eli, we’re ready for you!” A voice yanked him from his fantasy. Startled, he knocked one of the candles into the tub. It sank fully under water for the briefest of moments, and then popped back up partially, igniting a small fire on the surface of the bath. His eyes lit up in alarm. He instinctively reached to retrieve the candle while the heat from the fire singed the hairs on his arm.

  “Shit.” Pulling his arm back, he looked around the room in a panic. He splashed water over the fire causing it, somehow to spread. It must have been all that bath oil, rising to the surface and now burning. With the flames heading toward him, he quickly ducked under the water. The fire burned way, way out of control. It engulfed the entire surface of the water with the unlucky hero unfortunately trapped below.

  Only twenty-five feet away the beautiful and sexy Christie and Nicole lay waiting on the king-size bed. They wore matching crotch less panties and lace bras.

  “Is he coming?” Christie turned toward Nicole.

  Nicole shrugged.

  A soft flash, along with the sounds of a crackling fire reverberated around the room as firelight glowed charmingly through the half-open door.

  Christie turned back to catch a peek of the glimmering in the bathroom and smiled. “Isn’t that romantic. I didn’t know there was a fireplace in the bathroom.”

  Nicole’s eyes widened. “There’s no fireplace in there!”

  Back in the bathroom, at the Deepwater Horizon, the fire burned on the surface of the tub. Black smoke billowed on the ceiling. The smoke detectors in the house suddenly blasted to life just as Christie and Nicole burst into the room.

  Christie said, “Where is he?”

  “I don’t know!”

  After glancing around the room in a panic, the women finally looked into the tub, but all they saw were flames. Then upon hearing underwater muffled screams, they spotted bubbles popping up through the surface, parting the flames slightly. Seeing a flesh-colored form, Nicole pointed into the tub. “Oh my God, there he is!”

  Christie cried out, “What do we do?”

  “How the hell do you start a fire in a bathtub?” Nicole flailed her hands around.

  Christie grabbed a towel and spread it over the flames, extinguishing the fire partially. The towel itself caught fire before it sank to the bottom of the tub. She picked up a second and covered another section of flames. Nicole rushed to the other towel rack and returned with two more.

  With half the fire now out, Nicole spread a towel over the remaining flames then used last towel to put it out for good. The tub was now a mess of half-singed towels, black soot and scorched fiberglass.

  Christie rushed over to the window and threw it open. Nicole knelt next to the tub, pulling soaking wet towels out of the water. As Christie joined her at the edge, they spotted Eli lying motionless under the water. They shared a horrified expression. Reaching in, they pull him up to the surface then struggled to haul his body out of the tub and onto the tile floor.

  He lay there motionless; they shared another worried look, as the sound of a fire engine siren grew louder. Lights flashed through the bedroom window and Nicole sprang to her feet. Grabbing a T-shirt, she quickly pulled it over her head. She rushed through the bedroom and headed downstairs to the front door.

  When Nicole pulled open the door, she found two firefighters and a paramedic standing there. “Upstairs!” She pointed toward the steps.

  The firefighters rushed past her. When the paramedic stepped into the foyer, he and Nicole did a double take as if they had seen each other before. He took off up the stairs and she trailed behind him.

  When Nicole and the paramedic reached the bathroom, they discovered Christie, now covered in a towel, standing off to the side, shaking her hands in a panic. “Is he going to be okay?”

  One firefighter knelt next to the naked Eli as the other firefighter was poking the blackened ceiling with a pole.

  “He’s not breathing.” The firefighter turned to the paramedic.

  “Shit!” Christie covered her face with her hands.

  The paramedic rushed into action, slipping down to his knees and quickly turning Eli’s head to the side. Water drained from Eli’s mouth and nose then he rolled the patient on his back. He began mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, blowing four strong breaths into Eli’s mouth while pinching his nose.

  He placed his ear near Eli’s mouth then watched his chest for any movement but didn’t see any. Plunging back down, he pressed his lips to Eli’s once again and blew hard. Suddenly Eli coughed and the paramedic pulled away right as water shot up out of his mouth. With his neck turning from side to side, he continued to hack and cough.

  The paramedic turned the patient to his side. Eli coughed more violently, spitting up some remaining water. Writhing on the floor, he struggled to catch his breath. Eli groaned and his eyes opened wide. He rolled on his back and looked up in shock at his audience.

  He struggled to speak, “What…ha…happened?”

  The paramedic looked at Christie and Nicole who simply returned blank stares.

  After a f
ew moments, Nicole shrugged. “Uh, a small fire.”

  The paramedic took Eli’s pulse and used a stethoscope to listen to his lung sounds. “How do you feel?”

  Eli took a deep breath. “I’m all right. I think.”

  “You should head to the E.R. just to be safe.”

  “No, not again.” Eli shook his head. “No way.”

  “I knew I recognized you.” The paramedic’s eyes lit up. He looked up at Christie and Nicole then back to Eli.

  “What are you talking about?” Eli asked.

  “You’re Clifford.” The paramedic turned to the firefighter. “Hey guys, it’s Clifford.”

  “No, my name’s Eli, you must have me—”

  “I’d recognize you anywhere dude.” The paramedic pointed down at his still exposed penis. “Yep, I’d know that red thing anywhere, Clifford.” He laughed aloud. “You’re sort of famous around the hospital now.”

  Eli popped his head up and upon realizing his junk was on full display, he quickly covered up with his hands. “What the hell are you talking about?”

  “Ah, Clifford.” Christie smiled. “I get it.”

  “What?” Eli narrowed his eyes.

  “Because Clifford’s the big red dog, right?” Christie shot the paramedic a knowing look. “The cartoon dog.”

  “Exactly,” the paramedic replied.

  Nicole’s eyes widened. “I get it now.”

  The paramedic and firefighter shared a laugh as they headed out of the room. Eli covered his face with his hands, curling up on the floor.

  Nicole giggled softly. “Big red dog. That’s good.”

  “It’s sorta cute isn’t it?” Christie asked.

  Without moving, Eli simply groaned.

  “Eli?” Kneeling next to him, Christie patted him on the shoulder. “Isn’t it?”

  Uncovering his face, he gazed up at her and squeezed his eyes tightly closed.

  30

  After heading to an Urgent Care Center for a check-up, Eli and the women returned to the house exhausted and went straight to bed.

  Separate beds.

  To be specific, the women were in one room and the unluckiest man in the world was in another.

  The next morning, Christie sat on the mattress next to the sound asleep Eli. Placing a hand on his shoulder, she whispered, “Hey, you getting up today?”

  Groggily, he turned to her and opened his eyes. “What?”

  “You getting up today? It’s after ten.”

  “I don’t think I am.” He shook his head. “In fact, I’m never leaving this room.”

  “Why?” She held back a smile.

  “I’m just not.”

  Christie rubbed his shoulder. “Don’t tell me you’re embarrassed about yesterday?”

  He sat up against the headboard shooting her a wide-eyed look. “Um, yesterday and I think it was two days before that, oh, yeah and the day before that.”

  “Come on. So, you had a couple bad days.”

  “Bad days!” He scoffed. “You call those bad days?”

  “Well, yeah, I mean no one died.” She gestured with her hands. “And at least now you have a nickname.”

  He glared at her.

  “Sorry.”

  “Please come down,” she pleaded. “Nicole made blueberry pancakes.”

  “Blueberry pancakes?”

  “Yes.”

  “I’m just a little too traumatized right now for blueberry pancakes,” he replied sarcastically.

  “Why don’t you go get some exercise then?” Christie shot him a hopeful smile. “I don’t know, maybe go for a run or—”

  “A run?” He half laughed, half sneered.

  “There’s that running path right by Anne’s hotel and she’s there every day at eleven.”

  “Why would I do that?”

  “I saw the way you were looking at her the other day.”

  “We were only talking.”

  “Uh-huh.” Snickering, she rose to her feet. “Right.”

  Eli took a deep breath. “Okay, she’s gorgeous and just a little closer to my age.”

  “She is.”

  “Do you really think she might be interested in me?”

  She nodded. “I saw the way she touched you yesterday.”

  “I know.” He touched his chin. “There was something there, right?”

  “I think so.”

  After pausing a moment, he turned to her. “So, you guys wouldn’t mind if I…?”

  Chuckling, she raised an eyebrow. “It might be safer for all of us.”

  “Yes, maybe.”

  Dressed in running clothes, Eli sat on a bench near the running path about a block from Anne’s hotel. He alternated between glancing out at the Gulf and checking for her every few seconds. A few minutes later, he saw her right outside the hotel. He rose to his feet and waited. After stretching out her legs, she headed toward the running path and he jogged toward her.

  As she neared the path, she spotted him. “Hi, Eli.”

  Putting on his best surprised look, he stopped and said, “Anne. How are you?”

  “I’m good. You just starting?”

  “No, been going for a while now.” He nodded confidently, running in place and faking some heavy breathing.

  “I usually head this way anyway.” She pointed in the opposite direction.

  “I mean, I have a while to go yet.”

  “Oh.” She smiled. “I’m amazed you’re still able to run with the girls keeping you so busy.”

  “Huh?” Eli stammered, “I, um—”

  “I’m kidding.” She shook her head, holding back a laugh. “Mind if I join you?”

  “No, I’d like some company.”

  She started to jog and he headed off next to her.

  She said, “So, how’s everything?”

  “Good. Good.” After an awkward silence, he said, “I really want to thank you again for letting us stay in the house. It’s very generous of you.”

  “Don’t worry about it. Isn’t Tampa beautiful?”

  He looked to the water then to her face, pausing for a moment as he drank her in. “Yeah, beautiful.”

  She smirked. “Is this the pace you’re going to run?”

  “Are you saying I’m not going fast enough for you?”

  “Well, yes, I just—”

  “I was waiting on you.” He shot her a smile then sprinted ahead.

  Grinning, she took off after him and the race was on.

  That faster pace lasted only a hundred yards before they both settled into a more reasonable speed. After a couple miles, they returned to the hotel and walked around a bit to cool down before plopping down on a bench.

  Eli asked, “When are you going back to Chicago?”

  “Never, I mean, I was thinking of keeping the house and moving down here.”

  “Michael told me you’re selling.”

  “I gave in, once again, at settlement.” She gazed out to the water wearing a slight frown. “He really doesn’t want me to have the house.”

  Eli placed his hand on her arm. “You should keep it if you want it.”

  Turning to him, she said, “You think?”

  He glanced down at his hand on her tanned arm feeling the electricity between them. Their eyes met and suddenly he pulled his hand from her and cleared his throat. “This might sound strange since I’m here with two women, but, um—”

  “Anna. Anna,” a voice with a thick Italian accent called out.

  Turning around, Eli saw a tall standing before them.

  Anne smiled up at him. “Ausonio, you’re early.”

  “I could not wait any longer to see you again,” Ausonio said.

  Eli glared up at the man in confusion.

  Anne said, “Eli this is Ausonio. Ausonio, Eli.”

  Ausonio sized Eli up with a frown and the two men exchanged guarded nods.

  Anne said, “He’s the one staying at my house.”

  “Ah, yes.” Ausonio grinned widely. “With the two girl
s, right?”

  “That’s right,” Eli replied self-consciously.

  “You?” Ausonio held back a laugh. “With two girls?”

  “They’re two college seniors,” Eli corrected. “And we’re only traveling together really.”

  “Right.” Anne winked. “Traveling together. Is that what they’re calling it now?”

  “Now that I can believe.” Ausonio chuckled before returning his attention to Anne. “My good friend, Marco, is taking some people out on his yacht and there is a dinner later. I just found out. But he’s leaving in an hour.”

  “So you want to do that instead of the restaurant?” she asked.

  “Only if you do.”

  “That sounds great. Just give me thirty minutes to get ready.” She turned to Eli. “We should do this again.”

  “Yes, definitely,” Eli replied.

  After giving him a smile, she rose to her feet. Suddenly, she flinched then sat on the bench grabbing her calf muscle. “Ouch.”

  “What is wrong?” Ausonio asked.

  “A cramp.”

  The Italian masseuse sprang into action, kneeling and taking hold of her shapely leg and digging his hands into her problem area.

  Her pained expression slowly faded away as he worked his magic. “I thought I couldn’t be a client anymore.”

  “For you, I always make an exception,” Ausonio replied.

  Eli asked, “Client?”

  “Oh, I met him in the spa,” Anne began. “He runs it.”

  While still rubbing out her muscle, Ausonio bragged, “And I own a couple more. Eli, what is it that you do?”

  Eli stammered, “I’m kinda between opportunities at the moment. You know, um, looking at all options.”

  “I’m sure you’ll find something soon.” Ausonio smirked at him while still rubbing her calf. She tilted her head back and exhaled, melting into his touch with her eyes closed.

  “Yes, well…” Eli glared at him as he stood. “I guess I’d better go.”

  “Goodbye,” Ausonio said.

  Eli paused for a moment waiting for Anne to acknowledge him, but she was too preoccupied with her massage. He turned and headed away.

  By the time Anne finally opened her eyes, she spotted Eli nearing the hotel and she frowned slightly.

  Ausonio followed her gaze then turned to her, releasing her leg. “Are you okay?”