Seriously Messed Up: A Laugh Out Loud Romantic Comedy

by Luke Young

“I wasn’t.”

  “You were.”

  “Okay, but your face—you had a weird look like you’re about to have a stroke. It was cute but also very funny.”

  “You weren’t going to have another, were you?” he asked.

  “Probably not. Sorry. I was getting dry, anyway. Those damn condoms.”

  Nodding, he sat back against the headboard, and she put her head on his chest. She asked about Miami and Victoria, telling him she wanted to know everything about the woman who’d taught him so much. He told her about Victoria’s late husband and how down to earth and special she was, how she believed in living life to the fullest. Oddly, Caroline found she wasn’t jealous at all.

  When he finished the story, she decided that she really did want to meet this miraculously put-together woman who had helped an attractive but shy, nice guy morph into a fun, perfect-in-bed dream. It had been a remarkable night.

  Jim and Caroline spent most of the next four days together. He introduced her to the game of tennis, and their short time on the court led to a passionate, multi-orgasmic romp in her dorm room. They were quickly falling for one another.

  Victoria was back in Miami, thinking about Jim. While standing in the doorway, gazing at the massage room, she decided rather than call, she would surprise him.

  34

  The next day Victoria was in Philadelphia searching the nearly empty campus for Jim’s dorm. As she approached his building, she spotted him sitting with an attractive girl on a bench near a large landscaped area. Sneaking up behind them, she hid behind some foliage and listened.

  Jim said, “I couldn’t stand it.”

  “I thought it was pretty good.”

  “It just seemed stupid. The whole movie was about them making fun of other romantic comedy movie clichés, when their movie sucked and was filled with its own ridiculously stupid crap.”

  “I thought Justin Timberlake was great in it, and he had chemistry with Mila.”

  “You just like his body.”

  “Well, yeah, but he’s a good actor.”

  He looked at her like he thought she was crazy. “Right, I would have walked out after ten minutes if you had agreed to join me. I didn’t care what happened to those two. It was a look at us, we’re so fucking cool thing… Friends with Benefits, my ass.”

  Victoria knelt uncomfortably, continuing to listen and rolling her eyes. She hadn’t seen the movie, and the conversation wasn’t helping her figure out if Jim and Caroline were in love.

  “Well, I liked it. Jim, can we—”

  “You’re calling me Jim now? What happened to James?”

  “After what we did last night, I think James is too formal. Jimmy’s a little too middle schoolish, but Jim is just right.” After leaning in to kiss him on the cheek, she glanced around quickly and placed her hand near his groin.

  He exhaled deeply and looked around at the buildings that surrounded them. He grabbed her hand. “Someone could be looking out a window.”

  “So?” she said flashing her eyes at him. “It’s not like I’m doing anything.”

  “Oh, you’re doing something.”

  “I want to ask you… my sister is renting a house on the Outer Banks of North Carolina in the middle of August. Do you want to come down with me?”

  He grinned at her. “Is Jeff going, too?”

  “That’s completely over now.”

  Closing her eyes, Victoria sighed and whispered, “Shit.”

  Suddenly she heard footsteps approaching from behind her. Cringing, she turned slowly toward the sound and made eye contact with a young man heading her way. He gave her a strange look. She shrugged and placed her finger against her mouth, pleading with him to not give her away. The guy simply shook his head and smiled as he walked past her.

  Hearing footsteps, Jim removed Caroline’s hand from his crotch. As the guy walked past them, he looked back and casually said, “Jim, there’s some hot older chick hiding behind the bush.”

  Jim stood and turned to look. He instantly recognized Victoria from behind as she walked down the path—that hair and that curvy ass gave her away.

  “Victoria?”

  She headed off faster, and he rushed toward her and called again, “Victoria, is that you?”

  She stopped and slowly turned back to him.

  He smiled and rushed to her, beaming. “What are you doing here?”

  She opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out.

  “Hold on.” He turned and motioned for Caroline to join them. She was standing and watching them with a concerned look.

  As Caroline approached, Jim studied Victoria’s expression and noticed her envious glare.

  “Caroline, this is Victoria.”

  “I’ve heard a lot about you,” Caroline said with only a trace of jealousy.

  “Victoria, this is Caroline. I told you about her. She’s the one I met in Atlantic City.”

  Victoria forced out a smile. “Yes, nice to meet you.”

  Jim asked, “Really… what are you doing here?”

  “I was just, uh…”

  “Were you actually hiding behind that bush?”

  Victoria adamantly shook her head. “Oh, no. I was thinking of redoing my landscaping. It’s a nice bush and I…”

  “Okay, but what are you doing in Philadelphia?”

  “Um…” Victoria contorted her face. “Would you buy that I heard Penn had the finest landscaping in the country?”

  He chuckled, but both he and Caroline waited for a reply.

  “I, uh, wanted to surprise you… Surprise!”

  “Okay, wow…” He nodded toward Caroline, who looked back at him with an unreadable expression. He turned his attention to Victoria. “Um, since you’re here, come to dinner with us?”

  “Oh no, I don’t want to intrude.”

  “Would you mind if she, uh…?” Jim asked, looking at Caroline.

  Caroline smiled sweetly and shook her head no. “Of course not. That would be… You totally should come out with us.”

  They got along pretty well at the restaurant, especially given the sexual tension roiling just under the surface. Caroline was actually okay with it, since Jim had been so open about it all. And, of course, she’d been seeing someone else before they got together. The three beers she pounded helped her deal with it, as well.

  When Jim was in the restroom, Victoria gave Caroline an apologetic look as she said, “Sorry about this. I didn’t want to—”

  “Are you here to get him back?” Caroline asked in a calm voice.

  Victoria paused a moment, and when it appeared that Caroline didn’t want to kill her and already knew the answer, she said, “I don’t know. I guess I am. Or was. It was stupid. I mistakenly heard that you guys weren’t serious, but now that I know you are, I would never do anything to mess that up.”

  Caroline nervously moved the silverware around in front of her. “You know, he told me all about you two.”

  “He did?”

  “All I can say is thank you.” Caroline gave her a seemingly genuine smile. “He wasn’t exactly skilled in the bedroom when we met, but now… now, wow is all I can say. He, uh…” She whispered as she continued, “…knows how go down on a girl.”

  Victoria’s eyes brightened. “I know. The first night, the tongue and the teeth were, like, all over the place.” Victoria made eyes at her.

  Caroline nodded in agreement. “Like a dog licking peanut butter out of a cup or something.”

  “Exactly.”

  They shared a laugh.

  Caroline’s smiled faded. “He told me about your husband… I’m… I’m so sorry.”

  “Thank you.” They suffered through a slightly awkward silent pause, until they saw Jim heading back to the table. Victoria said, “He’s a good guy. Don’t let him go.”

  “A slow learner, but…”

  They were chuckling as he sat down. Narrowing his eyes, he looked at one and then the other. “What?”

  The women shared a kno
wing look, and Caroline said, “Oh, nothing.”

  “What were you two talking about?”

  “We were just discussing how you came back from Miami a new man, with some new skills.”

  He looked warily at them and smiled. “Wow, this is awkward. Are you talking about…?”

  Victoria glanced at Caroline and decided if Caroline wouldn’t say it, she would. She whispered, “When we first got together, you couldn’t… eat pussy to save your life.” Caroline raised her eyebrow in shock but then nodded in agreement.

  Jim looked at Caroline. “Really?”

  After pausing, she returned an apologetic nod.

  “Oh, lighten up.” Victoria smiled. “But now, it sounds like you’re continuing to improve.”

  “I‘ve been working hard,” he said while trying to maintain a straight face. Shaking his head at Victoria, he asked, “Is there anything that you won’t talk about? I mean, is any subject off limits with you?”

  “Hmm.” Victoria paused for a moment to think. “I don’t think so.”

  “I didn’t think there was, but can we talk about something else? This is embarrassing for me.”

  The girls shared a wide grin, and Caroline said, “Not for us.”

  Pushing away from the table, he grabbed his drink. “I’m just going to go to the bar then.”

  “Wait, we’ll stop,” Caroline said.

  “We’ll be good, promise.”

  “All right.” He took a sip of his drink. “So what can we talk about?”

  After a few seconds of all three looking at one another, Victoria asked, “Has he given you a massage?”

  “Oh, God yes, and that was even better than the—”

  “Okay,” he interrupted. “I’m going to get us another round.”

  Chuckling, they watched as he headed toward the bar.

  Thirty minutes later they left the restaurant and walked back to campus. Caroline and Victoria were somehow very comfortable with each other. As inappropriate a thought as it was, Victoria could see herself having a threesome with them. Her mind went there for a brief, glorious second, thinking that it could be fun, and then she shook that image away, realizing it was a colossally bad idea.

  Just outside Jim’s dorm, Victoria and Caroline shared a quick hug, and Caroline said, “I’ll let you two…” She smiled and went inside as Jim walked Victoria to the parking lot.

  “She’s perfect for you. Don’t screw this up with her,” Victoria said.

  “I know.” He gave her a serious look. “So, really, why are you here?”

  She sighed. “To have sex with you here and invite you down to Miami for more sex. Just a whole lot of sex.”

  “Wow, that’s some offer.”

  “That was before I saw you together, but now even if you gave me one of those spectacular massages, I still wouldn’t sleep with you.”

  Shaking his head, he fought back a laugh. As they reached her car, he put his hand on her arm. “Really, was it just sex or were you considering something more serious… more permanent?”

  “Would it make any difference?”

  “It might.”

  She gave him a smile, grabbed him for a hug, and said softly, “Well, then no. I only wanted to screw. I wanted mind-blowing, six-hour marathon sex, but just sex.” Stepping back from him, she took his hand.

  “Then that makes this easy, because I want nothing more from a woman than sex, anyway.” He raised a suggestive eyebrow. “Do you want to climb in the car and bang here or…?”

  She looked to the backseat and said with a straight face, “It’s a little tight back there.”

  They broke into grins, and after sharing a laugh, they hugged.

  She pulled away first. “Well, I better go.”

  “If you’re ever in the neighborhood again, you know, looking for plants or whatever, stop by.”

  “I will.”

  She climbed into the car. As she drove away, she glanced at him a few times in the rearview mirror. He stood still, simply watching her drive away.

  35

  As Victoria sat in the mostly empty first class section of the plane enjoying a glass of wine, she thought of Jim and what might have been. Closing her eyes, she breathed in deeply and sighed. When she opened her eyes, an attractive man in his mid-forties was looking at her, sipping a glass of wine across the aisle. He wore an expensive suit. Smiling, he raised his glass to her. She returned the smile.

  He said, “You mind if I join you?”

  “Not at all.”

  He moved over to sit next to her, and they clinked their glasses together before each taking a sip.

  “I’m Adam Rawlings.”

  “Victoria Wilde. Nice to meet you.”

  “Are you vacationing in Miami?”

  “I live there.”

  “Me, too. So, what brought you to Philly?”

  “A friend,” she said with a slightly sad smile. “You?”

  “Work. I was looking at buying a business in New Jersey.”

  “Oh, what kind of company?”

  “I’m in the restaurant business. I own the Sunset Grill out in Key Biscayne.”

  Her face lit up. “I know that place.”

  “Ever eaten there?”

  “A couple times.”

  He asked hesitantly, “Good, bad, or just okay?”

  “Oh, sorry. I did like the food. Our waiter was a bit of a jerk, but overall I’d recommend it.”

  “We train our wait staff to act like complete assholes. That way, people appreciate the food more,” he said with a straight face.

  After they shared a laugh, he said, “I’m there quite a bit. Come by anytime and ask for me.”

  “Thank you. I will.” She took a sip of wine. “You looking at another restaurant in Jersey?” Suddenly feeling faint, she placed her hand on the seat in front of her.

  “No, it’s actually—” He stopped when she bent forward a little, her face pale. “You okay?”

  “Just a little airsick, I guess.” She steadied herself but then another wave of nausea came over her. “I’d better, uh…”

  She got up, walked to the bathroom in first class, and found it occupied. Waiting there for a moment, she began to feel even worse, and took off toward the back of the plane. Adam watched with concern as she rushed by.

  Once inside the bathroom, she dabbed cool water on her face and looked in the mirror. Putting her fingers to her face, she fought to bring some color back to her clammy, pale skin. She swallowed hard and felt it coming over her again. Retching, she knelt down to the toilet and threw up. She hung her head over the bowl, gasping and feeling dizzy. Lifting her head, she attempted to steady herself by taking a breath. After feeling a bit better, she went to stand; then another wave hit her. She slumped down again and threw up a little more.

  Feeling the worst of it was over, she retuned to her feet, grimaced at her condition in the mirror, and proceeded to clean up.

  When she got back to the cabin, Adam had returned to his seat, and when he noticed that she was back, he looked her way. “Are you okay?”

  “Too much wine.”

  He smiled.

  Closing her eyes, she slumped in her seat and held her stomach. She tried to remember what she’d eaten that day and assumed the dinner she had shared with Jim and Caroline must not have agreed with her.

  When they landed, Adam reiterated his offer to come by the restaurant. Victoria thanked him and headed to her car.

  When she retuned home, she felt sick and rushed to the bathroom; once again, she visited the bowl. After cleaning up, she looked at herself in the mirror, trying to remember her last period. She thought she might be two weeks late. Turning away from the sink, she rubbed her chin, her thoughts running wild.

  She couldn’t be pregnant. All the tests, all the procedures… She and David had tried to have a baby for years, and it had never happened. No way could she be pregnant now.

  Grabbing her keys, she rushed to the car. When she returned home with a pregn
ancy test, she hesitated, simply holding it for a long time. Was she having Jim’s baby? They did have an awful lot of sex together. She took a deep breath and headed toward the bathroom. When she emerged with a positive result, she was not as devastated as she had expected to be. She wasn’t necessarily happy about it—more shocked.

  Walking to the kitchen, she opened the refrigerator and, without thinking, grabbed a bottle of wine. As she struggled to work the cork out, she stopped, grinned, and put it back. She sat in the kitchen, thinking. She wanted to tell someone the news; she needed to talk about it.

  When she arrived at Jillian’s, she discovered Brian, Jillian, and Rob sitting around the pool, drinking beer. They asked if she wanted one and seemed slightly shocked when she declined. She sat across from Rob, and he grinned at her, undoubtedly as a result of the secret they shared. They hadn’t spoken much since the night they spent together.

  Victoria looked at Jillian. “Jillian, I, uh wanted to talk to you about something.”

  “Sure, what’s up?”

  “It’s kind of a private, girl thing.” Glancing over at Rob, she found him wearing an evil grin. She shook her head, flashing him a warning look, and he motioned with his eyes for her to look lower. When she did, she discovered he was sitting with his leg up and had adjusted his swim trunks so the tip of his penis was clearly visible only to her.

  Brian looked at Jillian as he said, “I’m sure this girl thing is sex-related. Please, don’t tell me anything about it. I don’t need to find out how amazing in bed one of her new boyfriends is or how big his, uh…”

  “I’m sure it’s nothing like that,” Jillian said, then grinned at Victoria. “Right?”

  “Um, no. It’s, uh…”

  “See?”

  Victoria found Rob still in the same exposed position and watched him suspiciously as he glanced over at Brian and Jillian. Seeing they were both oblivious to his antics, he returned his attention to Victoria and widened his eyes. “So, Victoria, we haven’t seen you around that much lately. What’ve you been up to?”

  She surreptitiously motioned for him to put it away. “Oh, not much. I’ve—” Her eyes went back down to Rob’s still-on-display penis, and it hit her. They had sex, and she was pretty sure they hadn’t used a condom. She sat there in a trancelike state.