Seriously Messed Up: A Laugh Out Loud Romantic Comedy

by Luke Young

  They looked at each other in silence, both holding back a laugh, until she said, “Maybe we should try to have a normal real first date.”

  “We should start fresh.” He paused a moment. “What the hell do people talk about on first dates, especially after they’ve already seen each other naked?”

  “Just pretend you never saw me naked.”

  He leaned in close, looked her in the eye and said slowly, “I can’t… I just can’t. I’ll never, ever forget it.”

  After taking a deep breath, she shimmied in her seat and whispered, “I just completely got wet when you said that. That’s never happened to me before with just, uh, words.” She stared at him, blown away.

  He gave her a mock-smug look. “I never know what to say to women, but that was pretty sexy, wasn’t it?”

  She nodded, still captivated by his attention. “It was.” Regaining her composure, she sat back and grinned. “Let’s really try. No more dirty talk until we get to know each other.”

  “Agreed.”

  She shrugged her shoulders, and they sat in silence for another few moments.

  By the time the food arrived a few minutes later, they still hadn’t said much. After they each swallowed a bite, she smiled, and her face lit up. “Oh, so how’s your summer class?”

  He told her all about it. They spoke about tennis and how she would like to learn to play. They talked about her mostly normal parents, his completely odd parents, movies, school, music, and just about everything else, except sex. An hour later, after their waiter had asked for the fourth time if he could bring them anything else, Jim paid the check, and they headed back to campus.

  Ten minutes later, they were making out, fully clothed on the sofa in Caroline’s dorm. His hand made its way back to her rear end, as hers ended up over his straining erection.

  She pulled back from him, panting. “This doesn’t feel like we’re taking it slow.”

  “I know. It doesn’t.”

  They fidgeted, adjusting their clothing as they each struggled for composure. She said, “Are you planning on buying that woman in Miami any other furniture or anything?”

  With a straight face he said, “I had my eye on this loveseat and matching chair.” She looked at him, holding back a laugh. The joke was made, but he decided to milk it. “They’re a blue-and-white-striped pattern and would go really well with the general color palette in—”

  “Okay,” she interjected, and they both broke into laughter.

  “And what about you? If Jeff comes over here and pops another boner, are you going to…?”

  She looked at him, torn. “I don’t know… Seriously, I don’t. Why don’t we take it slow? We haven’t exactly begun this relationship in a traditional way, so why try to define it or—”

  “You’re right. I’m fine with…” He motioned between them with his hand. “I think this is really going to be good, though.”

  She looked at him with her fire reignited as they leaned in and kissed. It grew passionate again, and their hands roamed everywhere. She gently pushed him away. “I’ve never before had sex with two different guys in twenty-four hours, and I’m not starting now.”

  “Me either.” He smiled as he leaned back in to kiss her.

  Grinning, she turned her head. “I’m serious.”

  “I should probably go then.”

  She gave him a reluctant nod. He stood, and she walked him to the door.

  In the hall, he turned to her, and they moved close. She smiled. “I think this could be amazing.”

  “I think so.”

  They shared one last kiss. As he walked home, he limped just a bit for the first block or so.

  32

  After returning from an unspectacular-but-not-horrible first date, Victoria and Chase walked into her massage room. He wasn’t the most engaging companion she’d ever been out with, but he was in the top five sexiest. She’d been fantasizing about putting her hands all over his body since the first day she saw him in the locker room.

  As Chase looked around the room, he noticed the smooth rocks, grinned, and walked over to them.

  “What the heck are these?”

  “They’re used for a warm-stone massage.”

  Chuckling, he picked up three of the rocks and began to juggle with them. He dropped one on the floor and nearly hit her with another. She gave him a stern look as she put her hand out for the remaining rock. He looked sheepishly at her and handed it over.

  “Let’s give each other massages, and then if you’re a good boy, we can move on to other activities,” she said with a sexy smile.

  “Sounds like a plan.”

  “You should do me first.”

  “Oh, I will.” He eyed her body up and down.

  She slipped out of her clothes and lay down nude on the sheet with her head seated comfortably in the rest. He fumbled with a bottle of massage oil, squirted a little in his hands, and began to halfheartedly rub her shoulders. She closed her eyes and moaned slightly, since any type of massage—even a lousy one—still felt wonderful.

  Suddenly, she no longer felt his hands on her. After a few moments, she felt his body pressing into the table near her head and heard him softly chuckle.

  She kept her eyes closed as she asked, “What’s so funny?”

  “Don’t you see it?”

  “See what?”

  She opened her eyes to the sight of his thick, erection maybe six inches from her nose. She had never seen one that big outside of a porn movie. Her mouth flew open. “Wow. Impressive, but put that away. He’ll get plenty of attention later.”

  “Seriously?”

  “Yes, sex is not allowed in this room. It’s for relaxation only. The rest of the house is for screwing.”

  As she took one last look at the monster, she felt a little turned on. She sighed. He moved away from the table, and it disappeared from her view. She closed her eyes as he returned to massaging her.

  After a few moments, she felt something hard pressing into her head. “What is that?” she asked.

  “Nothing.”

  He pressed it harder against her.

  “Really, what is that?”

  She lifted her head, and he pushed his hips against the table. His erection brushed her nose, and its large head slid past her closed lips to her chin.

  Popping off the table, she wiped her face and glared at him. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

  “Just trying to have a little fun.”

  “I said there will be plenty of time for that later,” she scolded.

  He sighed. “This is kind of boring.” Backing up, he gripped his penis at the base and moved sideways showing off his incredible length.

  She gasped. “Wow. It is big.”

  “Biggest on the team.”

  “How would you know that?”

  “We measure them,” he said casually. “Over eleven inches. The closest guy was a measly nine.”

  Her eyes were drawn to it again as he moved to face her; the giant head seemed to be calling her name. She thought, My God, he’s big! Even Antonio would be turning toward the wall in the shower room if Chase were the competition.

  She said, “Let’s finish the massages, and then we can—”

  He lost the tender Southern drawl as he commanded, “Why don’t you just suck my big cock right now? You know you want to.”

  She grabbed a towel and wrapped it securely around her chest. “I think you should go.”

  He grabbed his meat near the ridge, squeezing it hard so the head expanded and turned purple; it was fucking huge. She looked at it, a little sickened. “I want you to go.”

  Chase scoffed. “Seriously?”

  “Yes, please go.”

  Moving to her, he grabbed her head with both hands. She put one hand over his as she stared up at him in mock-terror. Then he growled, “You know I could make you suck it if I wanted to, you cock tease old ha—”

  Before he could finish his thought, she grasped his middle finger, yanked
it back, and dislocated it with one quick move. He grimaced in pain as she drove his hand down and spun him until his arm was awkwardly locked behind his back.

  “Okay, okay,” he whimpered.

  She led him from the room and toward the front door. “It’s not easy catching passes with a broken finger. An attempted rape charge could get you kicked off the team, especially since I know the coach. He owes me a big favor.”

  “Fuck. Okay, I’m leaving. You’re hurting me!”

  “I was almost assaulted once by a couple of assholes just like you. That’s why I took a self-defense class.”

  “Uh, I wasn’t—”

  She pushed him until his shoulder was smashed into the sidelight next to the front door. His penis was still hanging out of his shorts, although it had experienced some mild shrinkage since she’d put the move on him.

  She looked down at his groin. “You know, that magnificent penis is wasted on a little prick like you. Now, open the door.”

  “Can I at least put it away first?”

  “Open it!”

  Grimacing in pain, he struggled with the lock. When he finally opened it, she pushed him onto the porch and slammed and locked the door.

  33

  After tossing and turning in bed for an hour, Victoria got up, poured herself a big glass of wine, and logged onto Facebook. She pulled up the photo taken of Jim and her on the first night they met. She was glad that the partially obscene photo of the two of them was no longer available, although part of her would have liked to see that one again. After emptying the glass, she went back to bed. The wine helped her fall asleep, and she didn’t get up until almost noon the next day.

  When she woke, she walked to the massage room and lay on the table thinking of Jim as tears fell from her eyes. Why had she turned him down when he had asked her to maintain their relationship? He was attractive, honest, kind, sexy, and they enjoyed each other’s company both in and out of the bedroom. It wasn’t just about the sex or the fact that she was lonely. She wanted him to hold her again, to touch her, to give her another full-body massage in her spectacular new massage room. She missed everything about him.

  Was it too late? Victoria knew this other girl, Caroline, was interested in him, but had they gotten together since he returned to school? If they had, how serious could they be after only a few weeks together? She needed to find out; she needed to talk to Brian. She picked up her phone and dialed.

  Later that day, Brian called Jim.

  “What’s up, Brian?”

  Brian hesitated and decided to ease into his fact-finding mission. “How’s school?”

  “Good. My class is pretty easy.”

  “I was thinking about A.C. today. That was so much fun. We have to do it again sometime.” He kicked himself for sounding so lame. He kicked himself harder for agreeing to help Victoria get information from Brian about his relationship with Caroline.

  Jim seemed not to notice anything was amiss. “Yeah… I’ll never forget it.”

  “Oh, so, uh… hey… Did you ever get together with that girl you met out there?”

  “Yeah, actually we just went out last night for the first time.”

  “Oh. Does it seem like something that has the potential to be serious?” Victoria owes me big-time, Brian thought.

  “She has an old boyfriend, and I’m not sure if they’re completely done… but you know, it’s whatever… So… how’s Victoria?”

  Brian’s ears perked up at the too-casual tone of Jim’s voice. “Why do you ask?”

  “I, uh… was just curious. I kinda miss her. Has she asked about me?”

  “Yes.” It took a lot of willpower for Brian not to reveal the whole story, how Victoria had called him and spilled her guts about missing Jim but not wanting to ruin anything he had with Caroline, if it was something that could be serious and wonderful. Frankly, Brian was annoyed at playing such stupid games. But he liked Victoria… and she’d given him some spectacular advice about sexual techniques, so he honored her wishes and refrained from saying too much.

  Jim’s voice became even more hopeful. “She has? What’d she say?”

  “She asked… was just wondering what you were up to. How school was… that kind of thing.”

  “Oh, tell her I said hey.”

  “I will.”

  “How’s Jillian?”

  For the first time in the conversation, Brian relaxed. He’d done the favor he promised Victoria, and now he could have a normal conversation with his brother.

  Without going into too much explicit detail, he told Jim how great Jillian was. They spent a few minutes catching up before Jim had to leave for a class.

  After hanging up, Brian sighed. Time to call Victoria with the news.

  That night Jim and Caroline went to the movies a few blocks from campus. They saw Friends with Benefits, and while she loved it and he hated it, the movie featured some nudity and a lot of sex scenes. They were both a little worked up when they left the theater as a light rain started to fall.

  During the brisk walk to his dorm, the rain came down harder. When they finally reached their destination, they were both drenched. Jim grabbed two towels, and they dried their hair before stripping out of their wet clothes, giggling and shaking their heads.

  He was down to his boxer briefs first, and she looked him over as he turned to open a drawer. After pulling out shorts and Tshirts for both of them, he turned, holding hers out. She stood before him wearing only a bra and panties, and they looked at each other with passion boiling just under the surface.

  She didn’t reach for the clothes; instead she put her hand behind her back to unhook her bra. When she pulled the wet garment away from her breasts, her nipples were stiff and glistening with rainwater. His eyes drifted down to them and lingered for a moment before he pulled down his boxers.

  Her gaze landed on his growing erection. After slipping off her damp panties, she took the shorts and t-shirt from him. They each held the dry clothes in their hands but didn’t move to put them on. She tossed hers behind her first, and he simply opened his hand to let his drop to the floor. They moved together and kissed; her damp breasts pressed against his muscular chest as his erection pushed against her belly.

  Stealing her lips from his, she asked, “What time is it?”

  He glanced at the clock. “11:32.”

  “Good. It’s been more than forty-eight hours.”

  It took a moment, but he got the joke. They tumbled into bed and began to kiss. He sucked each of her hard nipples into his mouth as she ran her hands through his damp hair. She closed her eyes and exhaled deeply as he kissed, licked, and sucked her breasts with a passion she’d never experienced before.

  Slipping off the bed, he guided her body until her rear was near the edge of the mattress. He gently spread her legs apart and planted a kiss directly between her thighs. She warily watched him, since this hadn’t gone so well the first time. He extended his tongue gently into her. She watched him pull his tongue back into his mouth. He moaned softly, seemingly savoring her taste. She felt so wet, so hot. For a moment, he stared at her parts before planting tender kisses on the inside of each of her thighs. Groaning, she spread her legs wide.

  “Oh, my.” She softly panted. She was on fire as she watched him tease her. He ran his tongue sideways from her inner thigh to her wetness, then back to the other side while she held her breath and craned her neck to watch him.

  Moving lower, he carefully spread her legs apart. She felt the juice escaping from her; never before had she been this wet. He moaned and put his tongue gently to her and licked slowly.

  “Oh, God,” she groaned.

  Fifteen minutes later, she lay basking in the aftermath of the best fucking orgasm of her life. “Where did you…” she began breathlessly.

  “What?”

  Turning to look at him, she stared into his eyes. “Last time, uh… wasn’t so good.”

  “I know… I’m sorry. This time?” he asked hopefully.


  She nodded with a big, sexy smile. “Where did you learn all this?”

  He simply grinned proudly.

  “Miami?”

  He replied with a nod.

  “I’m glad you went.” Smiling at him, she paused. “Victoria?”

  “That’s her.”

  She couldn’t take her eyes off him as her breathing finally returned to normal. She asked, “She taught you all this?”

  “Yeah, but I held back a couple of things. I still have—”

  “More?”

  “A little more.”

  “She’s my new best friend. I have to meet her.” Looking down, she discovered he was already hard. “I’m going to take care of you now, but I’ve got to warn you, I really haven’t learned anything new.”

  He shrugged, and they shared a smile as she slowly slinked down, trailing kisses all along his body. After ten solid minutes of her returning the favor, and then some, he lay back, struggling to catch his breath.

  Placing her chin on his thigh, she playfully ran her fingers all over his parts. He ran his fingers through her hair, and their eyes met. She moved up to lie next to him.

  He smiled. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but that extra thing seemed like a new move.”

  “It was. I kinda winged it at the end there.”

  They shared a grin.

  Ten minutes later, they began to kiss, and soon he was ready to go. After he put on a condom, they had amazing sex. Neither had another orgasm, but after five minutes of intensely pleasurable but exhausting pumping, she sensed he was almost there. He got up on his tiptoes, held his breath, and she witnessed his muscles twitching as he struggled to push it out. His face contorted in a way she found extremely cute but also funny. He caught her expression as she fought to stifle her laugh. Getting control of herself, she rubbed his thighs while giving him an encouraging look. As he groaned louder, seemingly closing in on his orgasm, he made the mistake of glancing down at her one last time, and they both broke into a smile. He groaned and collapsed on her.

  “Did you?”

  “Almost, but you were laughing,” he said as he rolled off her.