Seriously Messed Up: A Laugh Out Loud Romantic Comedy

by Luke Young

  “I’m not surprised.” After chuckling, he looked at her with concern. “You can’t tell Jillian you saw me here.”

  “Why not?”

  “She thinks I’m at work.”

  She smirked at him. “Are you secretly doing this so you can check out naked chicks?”

  “What? No.” He made a face. “I want to do something special for her as a wedding gift. I’m going to sketch her and have it framed. Something tasteful but sexy.”

  She smiled brightly. “That’s a great idea. She’s going to love it—I’m sure of it.”

  “I’m also going to get her these expensive diamond earrings in case the drawing sucks or she thinks it’s creepy.”

  “Good back-up plan.”

  Glancing around the room, he found them all alone. “I guess we should…”

  “Oh, yeah.” She headed over to retrieve her robe and as she walked away, he gazed at her rear end with a smile.

  In the parking lot a few minutes later, Brian stood with her in front of her car.

  “I can’t figure out how to draw her. I need to do it so she has no idea. I tried drawing her while she was asleep, but she moved, and I had to run out of the room to hide. I need a picture or something, but I need her to pose. I don’t think I can pull it off.”

  “Maybe…” Pondering his dilemma, she paused. “I think I can help you. She and I are going on that girl’s weekend thing next week. I can get you a picture.”

  He gave her a hopeful smile. “How?”

  “I’ll figure out a way.”

  Suddenly concerned, his smile faded. “You can’t drug her or anything. I need something sexy and tasteful. I mean, I don’t need an extreme close-up of her, you know or some spread leg pose like in Hustler or anything.”

  “Just leave it to me.” She gave him a wink. “I know exactly what you need.”

  “No, I’m serious. No beaver shots or—”

  Sighing, she shook her head. “Trust me.”

  At the next class, Brian completed an impressive two-foot by one-foot drawing of Victoria’s gorgeous vagina. His sketch had the nearly perfectly proportioned labia, both major and minor. As she stood behind him studying it, she smiled approvingly. She, of course, asked if she could have it. He happily agreed.

  9

  Jillian and Victoria drove down to Key West to spend some girl time together before the wedding, which was only three weeks away. On Friday, they checked into their room late, had a quick dinner then went to bed. Jillian quickly fell asleep, but Victoria lay awake, plotting their activities for the next day, as well as how she’d pull off the photo shoot.

  In the morning, they enjoyed a late breakfast and spent a few hours ogling hot guys at the pool. Victoria did most of the ogling. Next it was off to the spa where they each got a massage and assorted spa treatments. Victoria insisted that Jillian have her hair done and a full makeup session. When she was finished, Jillian looked breathtaking. They both dressed in beautiful, sexy dresses and went to an expensive restaurant for dinner.

  Jillian was going to avoid alcohol that night out of respect for the pregnancy, but Victoria again insisted. In fact, it was a key part of the plan. After Jillian’s second cosmo, she headed off to the bathroom. Once she was out of sight, Victoria quickly summoned the waiter for a refill for her friend.

  When Jillian returned, she frowned. “I didn’t want another drink.” Flopping down onto her chair woozily, she shook her head. “I’m already… wow…”

  Victoria said casually. “Oh, the waiter came by and I figured… Go ahead, live a little.”

  “But they’re good.” Jillian smiled and took a big sip.

  “I know. I miss them. So, have you decided what wedding gift to get for Brian?”

  Jillian smiled brightly. “I’ve thought about it a lot, and I think I’ve come up with the perfect gift or gifts.”

  Victoria gave her a hopeful look even though no matter what was said next, she’d shit all over it.

  “You know that tennis vacation I took him on before graduation?”

  “Yeah.” Victoria muttered indifferently.

  “We didn’t get to play on the grass court very long because we spent too much time in bed.” Smiling, Jillian raised her eyebrows suggestively.

  Victoria didn’t smile at the sex reference, simply returning a stoic look instead.

  Jillian lost her own smile as she added, a little less enthusiastically, “Well, I’m going to book us a trip out there again.”

  With her jaw slacked, Victoria painted on a huge frown. “Seriously?”

  “Well…” Jillian gave her a weak smile. “Oh, and I’m getting him a couple of these new very expensive tennis racquets that he wants.”

  “So basically it’s a tennis-themed gift extravaganza?” Victoria asked sarcastically.

  “What? Not good?” Jillian took a huge sip of her drink.

  After looking away, Victoria sighed and shook her head. “It sounds kind of lame.”

  “Seriously? I thought it—”

  “Those are the most impersonal wedding gifts I’ve ever heard of.” Victoria scoffed. “Why not just buy him a can of tennis balls and call it a day?”

  “Really? He loved it when we played on a grass court and I thought—”

  “Please stop talking,” Victoria added with a tired look.

  “Okay, but…” Jillian exhaled deeply. “Do you have a better suggestion?”

  “I do, actually.” Victoria’s expression brightened. “I read about this woman who had a professional sexy photo shoot done. She had this incredible centerfold spread put together and gave it to her husband on their wedding night. The husband was blown away.”

  After downing the rest of her cosmo, Jillian grimaced. “I don’t know.”

  Victoria repeated with over-the-top enthusiasm, “Blown away.”

  “Like naked pictures?”

  Victoria nodded. “But tastefully done.”

  “Where would I get something like that done?”

  “I could do it for you.”

  “You, you’re a photographer now?”

  She looked at her insulted. “Yes, I can take pictures.”

  “And you could put this layout together so it looks good? Or would you just be sending the pictures out… Oh, they’d probably end up all over the Internet.”

  “I can do all of it. Trust me.”

  “How?”

  “I’ve been taking a class,” Victoria lied with the most sincere yet offended face she could generate.

  Jillian gave her an unconvinced look.

  “Okay. You know.” Victoria sighed. “You try to help someone avoid a huge mistake on their wedding night and…”

  Jillian gave her a devastated look. “What do you—?”

  “Your gifts are the equivalent of Brian giving you like a, I don’t know, a vacuum cleaner or something. You wouldn’t want a vacuum cleaner. Would you?” Glaring at her, Victoria waited for a response.

  “Well, no.”

  “You see?”

  “You sure you could take the pictures?”

  “Yes.”

  “And create the layout, and no one else would see them?”

  “No one would see them.” Victoria exhaled deeply. “I promise you they won’t be leaked to the Internet.”

  “Okay, I guess. When could we do it?”

  “I have my camera. We could do it tonight.”

  “Tonight?”

  “Sure. You look gorgeous. Your hair… your makeup—everything. You look spectacular. Your tits look very big, too… maybe you’re ovulating.”

  Jillian glanced at her chest and smiled. “Really, I… uh thought they seemed bigger too, but…” Returning to Victoria, she asked, “Tasteful?”

  “Definitely.” Victoria nodded with a big smile. “Maybe you should have one more drink.”

  Instead of waiting for a reply, she waved over the waiter.

  An hour later, they returned to their hotel room. Jillian was loaded. She went to the
bathroom as Victoria got out a large red satin sheet and tossed it over the bed and headboard. After turning on every light in the room, she pulled out her big, expensive new digital camera and sat on the bed waiting.

  Jillian emerged from the bathroom wearing only a robe. After spotting Victoria with her giant camera, she scanned the staged room and returned a concerned look to the amateur photographer.

  “Um, I’m not—”

  “Oh, you look beautiful.” Victoria smiled brightly. “Why don’t we start with some in the robe then go from there?”

  Jillian said hesitantly, “Okay.” She slid onto the satin sheet and posed awkwardly as Victoria began shooting pictures like crazy.

  “Amazing.” Victoria said, as she pointed the camera down. “Whenever you’re ready. Just have fun with it. Show a little here and there then lose the robe completely.”

  Adjusting her robe, Jillian revealed some cleavage.

  Victoria returned to taking pictures. “Brian’s going to absolutely love these.”

  Smiling, more at ease now, Jillian pulled the robe off her shoulders and exposed her full breasts for the first R-rated picture.

  Pulling her eye from the camera, Victoria shook her head. “Gorgeous. You’re a natural.”

  Within minutes, the robe was completely lost, as Jillian got more and more comfortable and immersed in the experience. The booze helped a lot! Jumping around the room like a professional photographer, Victoria took shots from every angle, in every pose. They stopped just short of any spread leg extreme close-ups, but the pictures Victoria took were steaming hot. She knew Brian would love them.

  When done, Jillian went into the bathroom as Victoria reviewed the amazing pictures. When Jillian came out wearing pajamas, Victoria quickly put the camera into her bag.

  “So…” Jillian sat down on the bed.

  “So, what?”

  “Let’s see them.”

  “What?”

  “The pictures… Can I see them?”

  “Um, no. You can only see them on a computer screen.”

  Jillian narrowed her eyes. “I thought your camera had one of those preview screens.”

  “It’s broken.”

  “I sure hope they came out. Could you imagine if we went through all this and every picture was blurry or something.”

  Victoria nodded as she thought, that’s my exact plan.

  “Let me take care of everything. I’ll load the pictures on my computer and let you know when you can see them.”

  “Oh, okay.” Jillian climbed under the covers. “You really think he’ll like them?”

  “I know he will.”

  “Good night.”

  “Good night, Jillian.”

  Jillian was asleep seconds after her head hit the pillow.

  The next morning, Victoria and Jillian enjoyed a leisurely brunch then climbed in the car. During the drive home, they vowed to do another girl’s weekend soon.

  After Victoria dropped Jillian off, she drove to her house and called Brian as soon as she walked in the door. When he arrived, she met him at the door wearing a huge grin.

  “I got some great shots. Wait ‘til you see them.”

  At the computer screen, the first image that appeared was an extreme close-up shot of a woman’s vagina and ass—a gorgeous, breathtaking shot.

  “What the hell’s that?”

  “What do you think it is?”

  “I know what it is.” He sighed. “But I said no beaver shots of her.”

  “It’s not her,” Victoria said smugly.

  “Yeah, you’re right, that doesn’t…” He moved closer to the screen with his eyes narrowed. “But it does look familiar.”

  She smiled. “It’s me. I was just testing out my new camera.”

  He nodded casually.

  “Do you think I should have my anus bleached?”

  “What?”

  “Do you think I should have it bleached? Is it too dark?”

  “Your asshole?” he asked incredulously. He glanced to her face.

  She nodded with widened eyes waiting for a response. After a few beats of silence, she asked, “What do you think?”

  He slowly returned his gaze to the screen. “Um, I think it looks fine.”

  “Fine?”

  “I mean, it’s cute. I don’t think it’s too dark or anything. It’s pinkish. I like it.”

  “Pink—ish!”

  “Did I say ish?” He gave her a hesitant look.

  “You did.”

  “I meant it’s pink, and it’s adorable.”

  “Really?”

  She returned to looking at the screen. “You can have the picture if you want.”

  “Why would I want a picture of your ass?”

  “I figured you did such a good job sketching my pussy that you might want to sketch my ass too.”

  “Gee thanks anyway. If we’re done with your ass, can I please see the pictures of my fiancée?”

  She rolled her eyes. “You’re no fun.”

  Victoria flipped from picture to picture, blowing Brian away. There were more than one hundred shots, all sexy, with varying degrees of explicitness. None of them appeared tasteless.

  He smiled and kissed her on the cheek. “You’re amazing. This is just what I need.”

  “Great.”

  “How the hell did you get her to do this?”

  “I asked what she was going to get you for a wedding present and after she told me, I told her it was the dumbest present ever.”

  “Yeah, then…”

  “Then I told her I read about this woman who did a sexy photo shoot layout for her husband as a gift.”

  “She believed that?”

  She grinned. “After a lot of alcohol and compliments.”

  He nodded matter-of-factly.

  Returning her eyes to the screen, she said, “She wouldn’t be the first woman to fall for the old casting couch. She’s probably the most intelligent, though.”

  He chuckled. “Is there anything you can’t get someone to do?”

  “No.” She gave him a smug look. “Not that I know of.”

  After popping the card out of the computer, she handed it to him. He kissed her on the cheek again.

  “And your pussy and ass are gorgeous. I wouldn’t change a thing. Thanks again.” He walked away, leaving her beaming.

  About an hour later, Victoria picked up the phone and dialed.

  Jillian answered, “Hi Victoria. So can I come see the pictures now?”

  “Uh, I’m… I don’t know what happened. I’m a complete moron. All the pictures are blurry. You can’t even tell what they are. It was the lighting or the camera settings or something.”

  “Oh, no. Should we try again?”

  “I don’t think I’m going to be able to pull it off.”

  “Really?” Jillian sighed. “So what should I get him now?”

  “Oh, that whole tennis thing sounds amazing.”

  “What?”

  “The tennis vacation and racquets and all will be perfect for him. He loves all that crap.”

  “But you said it was the worst gift ever. You made me feel—”

  “I did not,” Victoria interrupted.

  “You certainly did.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about. You were drinking an awful lot last night weren’t you?”

  “Yes, but—”

  “You were drunk, right?”

  “I wouldn’t say I was drunk.”

  “Seriously?”

  “Okay, maybe I was, but—”

  “Look, I think the tennis idea is great. You really should let this go. I might not have been completely on board with it last night, but it’s starting to grow on me. I mean, most husbands wouldn’t be thrilled to get it. But we’re talking Brian here. He’s nuts about that kind of stuff.”

  Jillian stared straight ahead completely lost.

  10

  After six weeks of working long hours at his first real job, Rob was doing
bench presses in the workout room of the Blue Stone Apartments on a Sunday afternoon. He’d been able to get some workouts in, but mostly at odd hours when the gym was virtually empty. This time, the room was crowded. There were two other men in the room along with ten young women. Some of the women were on treadmills, others were stretching, a few were using weight machines, but all were gorgeous and dressed in revealing, sexy outfits. Rob had forgotten about the pre-workout masturbation suggestion from Gary, and this was the first day it really would’ve come in handy.

  He and Gary stared at a woman with a perfect body as she climbed onto a reverse leg curl machine and proceeded to put on a show. Rob moved his glance slowly back to Gary. “Wow.”

  “I know, right. At least out here they wear clothes.”

  Rob scoffed. “What do you mean?”

  “The steam room,” Gary said as if he should already know about it. In response to Rob’s confused look, Gary shook his head, flabbergasted.

  “Follow me.”

  Two minutes later, Rob and Gary were sitting in the steam room with towels wrapped around their waists. They were alone.

  “I didn’t know this was here. So what, uh… they come in here in their tiny towels?”

  Shaking his head, Gary gave him a tired look.

  “I’m not sure I can handle that. I didn’t jerk off like you sug—”

  Just then, a completely naked gorgeous young woman entered the room carrying her towel. Rob shut up as his jaw dropped. After nonchalantly opening up his towel, Gary smiled at her.

  “Hey, guys,” she said.

  Rob glanced down to Gary’s display and raised his eyebrows. Gary whispered, “Don’t be shy, they don’t like it.”

  Rob quickly opened his towel; his penis had built up a little size to it already, due to the free show. Moments later, Carl Rodgers entered the room, unabashedly carrying his towel with his nub of a penis displayed for all of them to see. Rob nearly grinned but held back.

  Carl let his gaze linger on the naked beauty a long time before he turned his attention to the Rob and Gary. “Hey, boys.”

  “Mr. Rodgers,” Rob said.

  Gary said, “Hey, Carl.”

  Smiling, Carl sat down close to Rob. “Call me Carl, Rob. We’re naked for God’s sake.”

  “Sorry, Carl.”

  Rob could feel Carl’s eyes on his groin. Rob broke out into a big sweat debating whether to cover up, move or just act casual. Unable to make up his mind, he sat frozen.