Seriously Messed Up: A Laugh Out Loud Romantic Comedy

by Luke Young

  Carl said, “This steam room’s a wonderful way to relax.”

  Rob nodded quickly and tried to focus on not getting an involuntary erection. He glanced at the young woman; she smiled at him, leaned back and closed her eyes. Rob’s eyes traveled from her perfect breasts to her gorgeous vagina. His mouth was wide open.

  After seeing Rob gawk, Gary elbowed him in the ribs.

  Rob glared at him, and Gary made a face that screamed, “Knock it off.”

  Sighing, Rob struggled to put on a casual expression.

  Two more hot naked women entered. Carl’s eyes were all over them for a few seconds then his gaze traveled back to Rob’s groin. Rob actually felt it go there. The women exchanged greetings with the lucky guys and took their places in the hot steamy room.

  Ignoring Carl, Rob struggled to appear as if he just casually enjoyed the view.

  They all sat in the room without saying a word for a few minutes until Carl put his hand on Rob’s knee.

  “Rob, I think I know a girl who’d really like a guy like you.”

  He glanced once more into Rob’s lap. “Yeah, I think you’re her type. Would you like to meet her?”

  After pausing to look where Carl was looking, Rob moved his knee.

  “Uh, sure.”

  Removing his hand from Rob, Carl looked him in the eye. “Great. I’ll call you next time she’s here.”

  “Cool,” Rob muttered uncomfortably.

  Carl stood. “Well, I’ll see you guys at the office.”

  After their boss left, Rob raised his eyebrows to Gary who returned a confused shrug. Neither one mentioned a word about it. A few minutes later, another two gorgeous naked women strolled into the room and Rob glanced around utterly mesmerized. He folded his towel, partially covering his groin as he vowed to work out during normal peak hours from now on, but only after quick jerk-off sessions, of course.

  After returning to his apartment, Rob showered. He slumped on his sofa, depressed and thought about the fact that he hadn’t had a single date since he’d moved to Orlando. He’d been too busy. So here he was, surrounded by amazingly hot and seemingly single women, and he wasn’t dating any of them. He’d talked to a few, but none expressed enough interest for him to pursue. He realized he hadn’t had sex since Kara and her roommate gave him that spectacular blowjob almost two months ago. He hadn’t spoken to Kara much since that amazing night, but he’d seen her occasionally by the pool.

  Rob dressed in nice pair of shorts and a polo shirt, slapped on some cologne then headed to Kara’s apartment. When she answered the door, she didn’t appear all that happy to see him. He walked in, and Kara led him to the sofa.

  “I was wondering if you wanted to go out some night?”

  Taking a seat, he spread his arms out along the back of the sofa, seemingly hoping for a repeat performance.

  She sat as far away from him as humanly possible with her legs curled up in front of her. “I kinda have a boyfriend.”

  “Oh, is that a new development or…?”

  She ignored the question. “How’s work going?”

  “Pretty good. The hours are long, but, uh—”

  “Have you gotten one of those big bonus checks yet?”

  “No, not yet.”

  “When you do, let me know and we’ll celebrate.”

  She stood and stared at him. When he didn’t get the message, she sighed. “My boyfriend’s coming over soon and I’ve got to get ready.”

  “Oh, sorry.” Rising to his feet, he headed for the door.

  Once he reached his apartment, Rob slumped onto the sofa again, depressed. After falling asleep, his cellphone blasted him awake when it rang. He checked the display, and saw it was Laura. They hadn’t spoken since the cruise. While waiting through two more rings, he shook his head and slapped his cheeks a few times to avoid sounding like a loser who was napping in the middle of the day.

  Then he answered, “Yo.”

  “Rob?”

  “Oh, hey, Laura.”

  “What are you doing?”

  “Just lounging by the pool.”

  “I was driving back from Tampa, and I saw a sign for Orlando. I just kinda turned off. I think I’m right by your apartment building. Your mom gave me the address. Mind if I stop by?”

  “Um, I, uh…” He rose to his feet in a panic. “No, that would be great. Just follow the path through the palm trees to the pool.”

  “Great, I’ll see you in a few minutes.”

  He ended the call and rushed toward the bedroom, stripping off his clothes along the way.

  Four minutes later, Rob was catching his breath as he relaxed on a lounge chair near the pool. His breathing was almost back to normal as Laura walked through the gate. She gazed in awe at the bevy of tiny-bikinied super model types as they frolicked around the pool. Spotting him, she smiled as she walked over.

  He rose up to greet her, and they hugged.

  Laura said, “I’m so glad you were home. I would’ve felt like a complete moron if I was here and you weren’t.”

  “I can’t believe you’re here.”

  “Me neither.”

  Both were ignoring the obvious issue of Rob catching her blowing some other guy on the cruise ship, which led to some rather explosive fall out. Rob wound up punching the recipient of the blowjob and after a huge public blowout between the young, volatile couple, they capped off the momentous occasion by returning to their cabin for an argument that caused slight property-damage.

  There were eighteen complaints from passengers, a lawsuit threat from the guy who received the punch and blowjob and enough damage to the cabin to get them thrown off the ship on the island of St. Thomas. From there, they took separate flights home and hadn’t spoken since.

  “So, how’ve you been,” he asked.

  “Good… good.”

  She glanced around the pool area while shaking her head. “This place is so nice.” She scanned the crowd, raising her eyebrows probably because of the fact that there must have been twenty women compared to the three guys.

  “It’s okay.” He shrugged. “So you were in Tampa?”

  “Yeah, I was hanging out with some college friends.”

  Several women walked past them and said hello to Rob. He knew them all by name. Laura watched, awestruck, as one with a particularly spectacular rear end walked by with nothing more than a string separating her cheeks. When Rob didn’t even glance at the girl, Laura looked at him with surprise.

  “I shouldn’t have stopped by like this, you’re probably busy.”

  “No, no. Can you stay for a while?”

  “I can.”

  “We could just hang out here. There’s a bar, and we have this great carryout place like a block away.”

  “Awesome.”

  Twenty minutes later, Laura had gone up to his apartment and changed into her bikini while he went to pick up their dinner. They sat by the pool, eating, talking and drinking until the poolside bar closed at 11:30 p.m. Neither of them mentioned the cruise, blowjobs given to random guys, Natalie nor anything potentially negative. They simply enjoyed each other’s company and had a good time catching up.

  When they found themselves alone in the pool area, they went into the water, but she found it too cold and climbed out.

  As she shivered, wrapped in a towel, he said, “They have this amazing steam room here. We could go in and get warmed up.”

  “Sounds good.”

  He led her inside the empty workout room and directed her to the door for the women’s locker room. He told her she’d see the door to the steam room from there and that he’d meet her inside in a minute.

  He entered the steam room just seconds before she did. They both stood just inside their respective doors, wearing their respective towels. Inside the room were two young naked gorgeous women and a naked guy who Rob recognized from work but whose name he couldn’t remember. He nodded to the crowd as Laura gawked around the room wearing a shocked expression. After pulling off his to
wel, he gave her a sympathetic smile. She glanced down to his penis, and her lips parted. She shrugged and opened her own towel.

  Glancing over to the naked guy, Rob discovered him staring at Laura. He promptly gave the guy an evil look.

  Rob and Laura made their way to an open bench, placed their towels down and sat. Sighing, she leaned back with her eyes closed. He drank in her hot little body and glanced down dreamily to the sight of her womanly parts. He realized how much he’d missed her.

  Turning his attention to his penis, he wasn’t impressed with its cold pool-water shrunken size. After scanning the room to be sure no one was looking, he gave it a few well-placed tugs. Ten seconds later, it had responded nicely and was putting on a respectable showing. Then he leaned back and sighed loudly with his eyes closed. He peeked through slightly opened eyes so he could be sure Laura looked at him. When he saw she did, he closed his eyes again and fought the urge to smile.

  Spreading his legs wider, he leaned back a little more, and flexed the muscles in his groin every five seconds or so. This kept just enough blood in the target area to maintain its size without causing it to stand up straight. Laura stared at it desperately.

  Her eyes went to the crowd. Thankfully, no one was watching them. After glancing to Rob’s face to be sure his eyes were closed, she gave his half-hard penis her attention. With her lips parted and her hands squeezing her knees in anticipation, she watched it closely. She noticed that it moved every few seconds, and felt her excitement rising as well. Grinning, she knew what he was up to.

  She watched as one of the women stood and walked out of the room. The other woman spread out her towel and lounged back on the bench facing away from the creepy guy. Laura watched the whole production, fighting back a giggle as she caught the naked guy staring at the attractive girl longingly.

  Following the other woman’s lead, Laura spread her towel out along the bench and lounged back with her eyes closed and knees bent, pointing toward Rob. He sat up and casually glanced around the room. Eight feet from him was a gorgeous tall woman with perky breasts and a shapely ass. Three feet from him was his completely naked ex-girlfriend with her gorgeous girly parts pointed right at his face. It didn’t get much better than that.

  Except that, the creepy guy was there as well. Ignoring the guy and the tall girl, Rob focused on Laura’s body as she lazily moved her knees apart a few inches and back together over and over. Her foot gently brushed his thigh and he found he didn’t need to keep flexing his groin muscles any longer. His body was sending more blood than he wanted to his groin. Suddenly concerned, he covered it partially with the towel as he continued drinking in Laura’s body.

  The tall woman stood and left the room just as Laura’s toes burrowed their way under his thigh. Exhaling deeply, he watched as she spread her legs wider. He leaned back and put his hands behind his head. Then, he made eye contact with the creepy guy who was now smiling.

  Rob scowled at him, and the guy looked away from him, focusing on Laura’s breasts. Rob’s mouth dropped open as he continued to glare at the guy. When the creepy, nameless third wheel finally glanced back to him, Rob motioned with his head to the door and made a face that screamed, ‘Dude, get the fuck out of here.’

  Offended, the creepy guy stormed out of the room.

  Laura opened her eyes and glanced around. She saw that they were finally alone and smiled. Rob grinned as Laura spread her knees far apart. He gazed into her crotch and his penis grew even larger. Her toe gently caressed his thigh, and he took a deep breath. Moving one leg from the bench to the floor, she placed the other on the higher bench behind them.

  He stood and spread out his towel directly in front of her. He lay down flat on the bench with his head just a few inches from her thighs.

  She watched him breathlessly as his mouth moved toward her. When his tongue touched her, she nearly pulled away. Instead, she closed her eyes, as he pressed deeper into her. Twenty minutes later, after trading huge orgasms, they slumped back, recovering and just staring at each other.

  He smiled breathlessly. “I’ve missed you.”

  “I’ve missed you too.”

  “I’m sorry about the cruise.”

  “Let’s not talk about it. Let’s just forget about it.”

  “Okay.” With his head slumped back against the bench, he ran his fingers through her hair.

  After about ten seconds of holding her, caressing her in that overbearing swamp-like room, he announced, “I’ve got to get out of here. It’s hot as hell.”

  She pulled up from him. “I know.”

  “Pool?” he asked.

  After sharing a quick nod, they each headed out of the room through opposite doors.

  Two minutes later, Laura walked out to the pool and found Rob already in the water and no one else around. After jumping in, she swam to him. He gave her a serious look.

  “What exactly are we doing? Are we back together or…”

  “This was fun, but you’re here and I’m in Miami. Why don’t we just not define it? Let’s just have some fun when we see each other.”

  “Okay.”

  He took her in his arms, she wrapped her legs around him and he moved around the pool carrying her. Feeling his growing excitement, she wrapped her legs around him tighter.

  “You heard my mother’s getting married, right?”

  “Yeah, to your best friend.” She chuckled.

  “I know. It’s weird, but somehow they’re good together. She’s happy, and he’s actually a great guy.”

  “I know.” She frowned. “He wouldn’t sleep with me.”

  “He was in love with her even then. So the wedding’s October ninth in St. Barts. My mother has a plane chartered. We leave that Friday and come back Monday. Do you want to go with me?”

  “I do.” She gave him a sexy smile.

  He returned the smile and they kissed. The kiss intensified with the heat rising between them as he moved near the edge of the pool. Reaching down to her bikini bottoms, he moved them aside as he slid a finger between her legs.

  She gasped and looked around the empty pool area. “Rob!”

  “What?”

  “We’re in a public place.”

  “I just licked you in a public steam room. No one’s around.” He raised his eyebrows suggestively.

  She shrugged in agreement. After pushing his swim trunks down a little, he pulled out his erection. He guided it to her entrance and she slid down over him, using her legs to pull him deep inside.

  “Oh, fuck,” he moaned.

  They kissed, their tongues exploring each other’s mouths as she began moving her hips back and forth.

  “God, you feel so good,” she said.

  They fucked like crazy in the pool. She felt nearly weightless as he moved her up and down on him with ease. When neither could climax after five minutes of trying really, really hard they went upstairs and finished the job.

  11

  The next day, Albert Blair sat in his office pensively reviewing for the tenth time, the background report on the super flexible and apparently anal-sex loving, Natalie Brookhart. Five copies of Jillian’s new novel, The Leg Thing, sat on his desk. After pausing for a moment to reconsider, he pulled out an overnight envelope. Inside, he placed a copy of the book along with three articles on famous literary-related lawsuits and attached a Post-it note that simply said, “Enjoy this, Rebecca.” He sealed and addressed the envelope, but didn’t include his return address information. He sent his assistant to drop it off at the post office. He thought about the possibilities, most specifically his ten percent cut, and his slight frown turned into a smile.

  Over a thousand miles away, Jillian walked down to the bookstore at her local mall, searching for her new novel. She wore sunglasses so she wouldn’t be recognized and found a few copies of her book on a shelf with other new releases. There was no special display or promotion. She asked the clerk how it was selling, and he just shrugged and made a face, then got back to work stocking a sh
elf. She walked back home disappointed.

  At just about the same time, on the campus of NYU, Natalie Brookhart walked into the campus bookstore and a display of books caught her attention. What drew her eye was the silhouette of a ballerina in the exact pose that she made famous at Georgia State University. She had no clue how many times she was asked to assume that position, either at parties or in the quad outside of her dorm, but she was quite well known for it. Hardly anyone knew the technical name for the pose; everyone who asked her to do it always referred to it as ‘the leg thing.’

  She glanced from the image of the ballerina to the title of the book, The Leg Thing, and then her eye went quickly to the author’s name, Jaclyn West. With her eyes bugging out, she nearly had an aneurysm. Rushing into the store, she looked around in a panic, unable to locate the book. She spotted a female employee.

  “Where’s that Jaclyn West novel you have in the window?”

  The woman replied, “Oh, it’s wonderful. Such a great love story—funny too.” Then she pointed toward the display.

  Natalie rushed over and picked up a copy, flipping the book open to read the jacket description:

  Anastasia White is a disillusioned, recently divorced, world-famous fashion designer. Brice Nelson is a tennis-obsessed, unlucky in love, college senior and the roommate and best friend of Anastasia’s son, Ryder. He’s infatuated with a super flexible, ex-ballet dancer co-ed named Rebecca, who’s toying with his affections. When Ryder brings Brice home for spring break, Brice meets the surprisingly young and equally tennis-passionate Anastasia; their shared interest quickly develops into an intense mutual attraction…

  “Holy shit!” Natalie said as she stopped reading the jacket and began flipping through the book.

  She skimmed pages until she spotted the name Rebecca. She read a paragraph about Brice watching Rebecca get into the leg thing position, written in exquisite detail. Shaking her head, she flipped through more of the book until she just happened upon the term technical virgin. Her mouth shot open as she read the explicit details of Rebecca explaining it to Brice. It made the Rebecca character sound like an off-the-wall lunatic. Scowling, she slammed the book closed, turned to the back cover and studied the picture of the smiling Jillian Grayson. She glanced back to the display of about forty copies of the slanderous novel. Her blood began to boil.