The Marry-Me Wish

by Alison Roberts

  David still wasn’t looking at her. ‘You can’t always keep the things you love, Annie.’ The edges of his words were rough enough to negate the fact that he’d softened her name. They grated, like the way David’s chair did as he pushed it roughly back to stand up. ‘Sometimes you have to let them go in order to move on. That’s life.’

  He walked to the fridge and opened the door. Anne found herself staring at his back.

  Fighting tears. He hadn’t been talking about the house, had he? But it hadn’t been an angry statement. Sadness was swirling in her head like a mist his words had created.

  And the subject was apparently closed. ‘You hungry?’

  The query was polite. Friendly, even. ‘Not very.’

  David looked over his shoulder. ‘You need to eat. So do I. How ’bout a steak? And…um…’ he peered back into the fridge ‘…eggs.’

  ‘You don’t need to cook for me.’

  ‘I’m cooking for myself. Makes no difference to cook a bit more.’

  ‘Maybe I could help, then. Make a salad or something.’

  ‘Sure. But only if you feel up to it.’

  If David was making a deliberate attempt to keep the conversation impersonal while they prepared a meal together, Anne had no objection. It was safe territory and as enjoyable as selecting some of the array of fresh vegetables in the crisper bins to slice up for a salad.

  ‘History suggested a straightforward grand mal seizure,’ he related during the second case he was telling her about. ‘But there was no history of epilepsy and no apparent triggers.’

  ‘On medication?’

  ‘Only some herbal supplements.’

  ‘No recent head injury?’

  ‘Not even an old one. So I’m thinking, poor woman, this could be the first presentation of some nasty brain lesion and I send her off for a CT and request a neurology consult but they’re both clear. We’re thinking of discharging her but I’m not happy and then she gets up to go to the loo and guess what?’

  ‘Another seizure?’

  ‘Worse.’

  Anne forgot about the red onion she’d been slicing finely. Her jaw dropped. ‘She arrested?’

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘What happened?’

  ‘We started resus. About to shock her out of her VT when she reverted herself and woke up.’ She could hear the smile in David’s voice as he slid the steaks into a hot pan.

  ‘And?’ Anne raised her voice above the sizzle.

  ‘And we got a cardiology consult. Looks like she had a small MI. Enough to put her electrical circuits intermittently out of whack. Could be a congenital conduction abnormality as well. She’s been admitted for monitoring and further investigation.’

  ‘So the initial seizure was hypoxic? She’d been non-breathing for long enough?’

  ‘Probably. Maybe the activity of the seizure had been enough to convert the rhythm. Or maybe it was going to happen anyway. She was lucky. Gave my junior staff a good lesson in not taking things entirely at face value, as well. Right. These steaks are done. If you still like yours medium rare, that is?’

  Anne nodded. ‘They smell fantastic. I think I am hungry after all.’

  ‘Good. Let’s eat.’

  Conversation ceased after they sat down at the table but it wasn’t such an uncomfortable silence this time. Talking about the house and then work had tapped into the kind of communication that had been habitual. A comfort zone. Having a meal together was in that same zone.

  Anne was too tired to be really hungry and she’d had enough after only a few mouthfuls. She toyed with her food, thinking about what a different quality her weariness today had compared to last night.

  It was only then that it struck her how much her mind had been occupied by things other than her present worries like her body and the babies or even past ones such as David represented. Had she been so appalled at what could be allowed to happen on a remake of this wonderful old house and garden that it had been enough to distract her this much or had her subconscious latched onto it as a means of escape? A chance to rest and heal.

  Not that it mattered. The net effect had been a very welcome reprieve. What would happen in a day or two when she returned to her own home? It would be a mess but not one that required imagination to fix. Her brain might be too hormone addled to focus on something academic right now but it needed more activity than simply choosing new carpet or watching tiles being relaid.

  And that was when the idea occurred to her.

  ‘I’ve got a guy who’s done a lot of work on my cottage,’ she told David. ‘Jim. Semi-retired, master builder but he can turn his hand to anything. He’d be perfect for the kind of repairs you need done here, like the windowsills and sticky doors. He could do a bathroom makeover or something, too.’

  David was still eating heartily but he paused and swallowed his mouthful. ‘Not much point starting if I’m not going to go the whole way.’

  ‘Jim has mates. There’s an army of these semi-retired tradesmen out there and I reckon they all drink at the same pub or something. If I give Jim something he can’t handle, he can always find someone who can. And they’re always good. I had Pete in to do painting and wallpapering a while back and I had no complaints.’

  ‘But I’d still have to make choices about something I’m totally ignorant about. I couldn’t pick a colour or a wallpaper pattern to save myself.’

  ‘But I could.’

  David’s new forkful of food hovered in mid-air. ‘Why would you want to?’

  ‘Distraction. My mind is mush. I’d enjoy a project that would keep me busy until I’m well enough to go back to work.’

  He was frowning now.

  ‘I’m not suggesting I stay here for weeks, don’t worry. I can spend the next day or two thinking and planning and maybe getting fabric and paper samples delivered. It’s not that far to my place. I could come over while you’re at work and supervise what was being done.’

  David was listening now. ‘What about the garden?’

  ‘One of my neighbour’s sons comes in to do any heavy stuff I need. He’s a student and will be on summer break by now. If he hasn’t got a job, I’m sure he’d jump at the opportunity.’

  ‘I wouldn’t know where to start in telling him what to do.’ David was staring at Anne now. ‘Would you?’

  ‘Maybe. I’d like to give it a go.’

  ‘But…why?’ There was something dark in his gaze now. Wariness, if not mistrust.

  Anne took a deep breath. She needed to choose her words carefully and she wasn’t entirely sure what it was she wanted to say exactly. It had something to do with the analogy that she’d picked up on when he’d said he was planning to sell the house. That you had to let things go to move on.

  ‘You want someone to love this house, don’t you? To make it a real home again.’

  His nod was terse.

  ‘Right now it’s not at its best. You might get someone who can’t see what it has to offer. Can’t see past the…damage, I guess. If you could fix it up and maybe make it even better than it ever was before, you’ll find someone who will love it for what it is, not what it could be.’

  She held her breath. There was no need to hammer the analogy. If there was anything left of that old connection, David would know exactly what she was talking about. What she was offering. A chance at friendship. To repair the damage their relationship might have left them with. Closure perhaps.

  Peace.

  ‘Damage does haunt, doesn’t it?’ he said at last. She could see the movement in his neck as he swallowed. ‘We could give it a try, I guess. See how it goes.’

  Anne could only nod. She didn’t trust herself to speak for a moment. Even if David was prepared to try repairing something more than what their conversation had ostensibly been about, she couldn’t afford that tiny spark of hope reigniting. The one that had flared when he’d said come home with me.

  ‘I’ll call in the troops,’ was all she said finally. ‘First thing tomorrow.�
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  CHAPTER SIX

  LEARNING that the removal of damaged floorboards from her cottage had revealed piles in dire need of replacement should have been a cause for dismay.

  ‘I can’t move home yet,’ she told David. ‘Half my floor’s been ripped up.’

  ‘Are you in a hurry to get home?’

  No. Not if he wanted her to stay…

  ‘Not really. But I didn’t intend imposing on you for so long. I could move to a motel or something.’

  ‘You’re hardly imposing.’ But David shoved his fingers through his hair, unconsciously revealing that the idea of her staying longer might be disturbing. Then he gave her a searching look. Anne said nothing, allowing him time to see whatever it was he was looking for. It only took an instant.

  ‘Seems to me like you’ve become a project manager in the last few days,’ he said. ‘For a job I couldn’t have tackled to save myself. I should be paying you a lot more than room and board.’

  ‘Don’t be daft. I’m having fun.’

  Smiling, she waved a hand at the chaos in front of her. The big mahogany table in the dining room was covered with plans for things like an en suite going into the master bedroom and a makeover for the other bathrooms. Sketches of ideas for the garden and paint colour cards were scattered amongst pictures cut from house and garden type magazines. Fabric samples draped the back of chairs and rolls of wallpaper were open and anchored with books on the floor.

  This project had become more than fun. At some stage in the last few days Anne had become hooked. She’d never attempted renovation on anything like this scale but then she’d never had the time or the need for distraction. Or an apparently unlimited budget.

  Her enthusiasm seemed to be contagious. David returned her smile. ‘And I’m enjoying having some company and something happening in the house,’ he said. ‘It felt like a mausoleum when I first came back. Now it’s…’

  ‘A mess?’

  ‘Alive.’

  Nothing more had been said about her moving out since then. Day after day went by with the momentum of the renovation project increasing at a pace that mirrored Anne’s returning physical well being. She was regaining her emotional strength as well. So much so, that when the prospect of spending a whole day with David when he had his first day off in more than a week was disturbing, Anne decided it was time to stretch her wings.

  ‘I’m going to go and visit Jules and Mac and the babies today,’ she informed David when he appeared in the dining room to get an update on progress, a mug of coffee in his hand. ‘Daily phone calls don’t seem to be enough any more. I’d like to see them all.’

  ‘They live over the back of Governer’s Bay, don’t they?’

  ‘Yes. Up on the hill with a fabulous view of the harbour.’

  ‘That’s quite a drive. You sure you’re up to it?’

  Anne’s nod was confident. ‘My car needs a run. The battery’s probably getting flat by now.’

  ‘I could drive you over.’ Something in his gaze suggested that he hadn’t been considering the condition of her vehicle.

  ‘No need,’ Anne said hurriedly. Even if he wasn’t showing a disconcerting comprehension of how difficult it might be for her to see the babies again, being in car with David would be very different to being in his house like this. Here, there were constant reminders that they weren’t alone.

  Right now, hammering sounds came from upstairs where Jim and his team were working in the main bathroom. A conversation between a couple of electricians was taking place in the hallway outside what had become Anne’s office and through the latticed windows Nick, the university student, gave a wave as he walked past, carrying a serious looking hedge clipper under one arm.

  Anne waved back and nodded her approval. The banging overhead got louder.

  ‘It would be a nice drive,’ David added. ‘I could go for a walk while you were visiting.’ He looked up at the ceiling. ‘Don’t think I’ll get much done around here today.’

  Anne paused in the sorting of the quotes she’d been reviewing. David might be enjoying how lively the house had become but it had to be unsettling when you couldn’t be sure if the water was running or whether a stranger might be in the bathroom you were hoping to use. And maybe it was more to do with him enjoying having company.

  Was David lonely?

  Like she was a lot of the time when she wasn’t at work?

  She was going to see her family today. David didn’t have any family and he’d always been a bit like her in that his devotion to his career hadn’t allowed for the nurturing of close friendships.

  When they’d had each other, it hadn’t mattered.

  ‘Maybe I’ll go and see if I can give that young lad in the garden a hand with something.’ David turned to leave and Anne felt the distance stretching between them.

  ‘You’re welcome to come with me if you’d like to,’ she found herself saying. ‘I won’t be staying long and I…wouldn’t mind a walk somewhere myself.’ She rolled her gaze upwards as a particularly loud cracking noise came from directly overhead. ‘It is a bit hard to think in here today.’

  If Julia and Mac were surprised to see Anne’s companion, they hid it well.

  ‘Gidday, mate.’ The colloquialism delivered with a strong Scottish accent made them all smile and broke any possibility of ice. ‘Come on in.’

  Sunshine streamed into the little house on the hill. The living area was taken over by baby gear. Prams and change tables and nappies. A clothes horse was draped with tiny articles drying in the sunshine. The kitchen bench was cluttered with bottles and measuring spoons and tins of formula.

  ‘Good grief!’ Anne exclaimed. ‘I’d forgotten how completely babies take over your life.’

  ‘We’re living and breathing babies,’ Julia said happily. ‘It’s heaven.’

  They were so obviously rapt. Anne had given them this gift and she’d never felt so welcome. She hadn’t expected that being bathed in this environment would be so overwhelming, however. The whole house actually smelled of baby. Of formula and nappies and damp clothes. It took her back. Way, way back to when the centre of her own life had been her small and helpless baby sister. To when there’d been no time for anything for herself but it hadn’t occurred to her to feel put upon in any way because that tiny being had been so important. So precious.

  She completely understood the intensity of this time in Julia and Mac’s life. She didn’t expect the conversation to include anything other than the twins and it didn’t. They talked of feeding patterns and details of mixing formula and sterilising bottles. Of sleeping—or lack of it on the part of the parents—and of how bathtime got organised each evening. Anne was also quite prepared to admire the infants with the kind of reverence their parents demonstrated.

  What was even more unexpected, given the overwhelming environment, was the way she was able to take a step back. The way her body and mind were accepting—possibly with a tinge of relief—that these weren’t her babies. Her heart was squeezed by the force of love she could feel but her breasts gave no more than a tingle of protest that was easily dismissed, and that heaviness in her belly was gone. So different from how she’d felt in the first days after the birth. That counsellor had been right. It had been hard but it had been the right thing to do to create that initial distance.

  The bonding of this new family was so powerful. She wasn’t excluded by any means but neither was she in that inner, almost obsessed, circle. She could feel David watching her as she held wee Angus but her smile was genuine.

  ‘He’s gorgeous,’ she pronounced, handing him back to his dad as he began to grizzle loudly. ‘He looks just like you, Mac.’

  ‘He does, doesn’t he?’ Mac was bursting with pride. ‘Chip off the old block.’

  ‘And don’t you think Amy looks a bit like me?’ Julia asked hopefully. She rocked the baby she was holding as Amy joined her brother in a hungry wail.

  ‘Absolutely.’ Anne was still smiling as she noted a hint of a p
uzzled frown on David’s face. He was shifting his gaze from each baby to its parent, clearly making an attempt to find the likeness. Her smile faded as the babies increased the intensity of their demanding cries. She could feel the sound closing in around her. She needed to do something. Now.

  ‘There, there, darling,’ Julia soothed. ‘Lunch is on its way. Mac?’

  ‘Onto it. Come on soldier.’ He shifted Angus so that the baby was upright on his shoulder. ‘Let’s mix that formula.’

  ‘Do…you need a hand?’

  ‘No. We’ve got this down to a fine art. Unless you want to hang around and help feed them?’

  Something like panic edged into the tension. Anne opened her mouth to speak but David answered first.

  ‘I promised Anne lunch somewhere nice. And a walk. If we don’t go now we might miss the best of the day weather-wise.’

  Julia nodded but her eyes held a question.

  Anne hugged her gently, enclosing the baby in the space between them. ‘Next time,’ she whispered.

  ‘You okay?’ The words were almost inaudible.

  ‘I’m good.’ Anne tightened the hug a fraction. ‘But baby steps, yes?’

  She turned to let David know she was ready to leave but he was already heading for the door. Implementing her rescue. Had he been aware that she was reaching her emotional limits? Did he understand, even a little? It was a powerful notion. One that was giving her an ally. A friend. It felt like another bit of tarnish was being polished off the connection between them, making it shine like gold.

  The need to escape had been puzzling but real.

  Talk about full on!

  Still feeling somewhat in shock, David said little as they got back into the car and drove further around the harbour. Some fine tuning of his preconceptions clearly needed to be done.

  The experience of the last hour or so wasn’t at all what he remembered of encounters with children, which was odd, given that he’d had plenty of contact over the years. Paediatric patients and their siblings, children of colleagues that appeared, albeit briefly, at dinner parties. Had he chosen to only remember some of them in order to fashion his own desires for the future? Or maybe he’d only registered the ones who were old enough to communicate. The ones who had their own personalities. Small people.