The Marry-Me Wish

by Alison Roberts

  Of course, he knew they’d all been newborns at some stage. He’d assumed he had a handle on that as well but given the taste of reality he’d just experienced, his notions were kind of fuzzy around the edges. Had he been spared most of the details by doting parents and nurses who had attended to physical necessities?

  ‘Do all new parents do that?’ he asked Anne as they stopped at a corner shop, having decided that the day was nice enough for a picnic.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Talk about what they find in nappies, for instance, as if it was genuinely fascinating?’

  ‘Yeah.’ Anne slanted him an amused glance. ‘What goes in and comes out of those little creatures is absolutely riveting. So is every twitch and burp and analysis of any differences in the noises they make. It’s all part of the bonding process.’

  ‘More like an obsession.’ David led the way into the shop. ‘I guess it’s nature’s way of ensuring survival.’

  ‘It’s like falling in love,’ Anne said quietly, from behind him. ‘When you’re the one involved, it’s as natural as breathing.’

  The bonding theory to ensure survival made sense. But if it was instinctive, why hadn’t Anne experienced it after giving birth? Or maybe she had. She’d said as much, hadn’t she? He’d been so prepared to slate her for giving those babies away and then turning her back on them and she’d stunned him when she’d said she couldn’t go and stay with her sister because she wanted to see the babies too much.

  And…maybe hope had been born in that instant. Hope that there could be a future for them that gave both of them what they wanted most in life. He wasn’t ready to go down that track, however. Not when it might mean setting himself up for the kind of heartbreak he’d spent a year getting over. Not when Anne wasn’t herself. They were both vulnerable. Confused. What fate had provided, in their living arrangements, was a kind of breathing space.

  Determined to let the topic drop, David parked again at a small bay where a strip of grass led down to a rocky beach. There was a wooden table with built-in benches that was ideal for sitting at to eat the sandwiches and fruit they had purchased. The air smelled of the kelp that was piled up on the rocks below and the sun was warm enough to invite a scramble amongst the rock pools when they had finished eating.

  It was Anne who voiced thoughts that were still focused on that visit.

  ‘Poor Mac,’ she murmured, watching a family of crabs scuttle into hiding having been disturbed by a shifting rock. ‘I don’t think he’s too keen on having to go back to work next week when his paternity leave runs out.’

  David made a sound of agreement but somewhere in the back of his mind another mental rock had been dislodged. Paternity leave? Had it ever occurred to him that he might want to take advantage of such a thing when he had a newborn of his own? Weeks of time away from work? How disruptive would that be? He’d assumed that the mother would be more than willing to make that kind of a sacrifice, though, hadn’t he?

  Finding a large, smooth, sun-warmed boulder, David sat down to watch Anne crouching to peer into the rock pool.

  ‘He does seem just as enthralled as Julia.’

  ‘He’s a natural-born dad.’ Picking up a stick of driftwood, Anne poked gently at a sea anemone to watch it flutter shut. ‘I know how he feels,’ she said a moment later. ‘I used to hate having to go to school and leave Jules with the nanny.’

  The loose braid of Anne’s dark hair lay across her back as she leaned forward, the sun bringing out tiny sparkles of light that made it come alive. Tendrils had come loose and the breeze made them play against her neck and face. David had to fight the urge to reach out and smooth them back. He wanted to see—and touch—the milky smoothness of that skin. It was good to see her relaxing like this, with a childlike fascination for what the rock pool contained.

  Such a contrast to the focused energy he’d always associated with her. The sort that was intrinsic to her work and was showing again now in the absorption with the project of restoring his house. The capable, impressive side of Anne Bennett. He’d known her history of raising her sister but had he ever really considered the effect it might have had? Had she really been in the same space that Julia and Mac currently inhabited?

  ‘But you were just a kid,’ he said aloud. ‘What, six or seven years old?’

  ‘I became a mother.’ Anne sat down on the rocks. Her knees were bent and her arms went around them as though she was curling up to comfort herself. And she still stared into the rock pool.

  ‘I was holding her when Mum died,’ she said softly. ‘Did I ever tell you that?’

  ‘No, I don’t think so.’

  Anne sighed. ‘It was terrifying. But kind of wonderful in a weird way. Taking responsibility for that little baby and looking after her was what got me through the grief. And Dad understood that. He helped but it was always him helping me, not the other way round.’

  ‘And you were still a teenager when you lost your dad, weren’t you? That must have been very hard.’

  Anne gave a slow nod. ‘I was seventeen. Just finishing school and ready to go to uni. Old enough to be able to keep us together without Social Services stepping in and putting Jules in a foster-home, thank goodness.’

  The disruption of paternity leave was nothing compared to what Anne had done for her family. It touched him now, as it always had. Maybe it had been her stunning looks and what he’d seen of her skills as a doctor that had attracted him in the first place but knowing her unusual history had certainly contributed to him falling in love with this woman.

  She was so capable. So independent. And, at the same time so incredibly giving.

  She was still that same person. Even if she couldn’t give him what he wanted.

  Maybe he had been wrong. It was quite possible that he and Anne could be together again. All he had to do was tell her that he’d changed his mind. That being with her was all that mattered. In the wake of that visit to the twins, he could probably sound convincing in admitting he hadn’t really thought it through. That maybe he wasn’t ready for that kind of disruption to his life. Maybe he would never be ready.

  They could both continue their high-powered careers unchecked. They would understand the pressure the other was under and be able to support and nurture success. They would be wealthy enough to have the best of everything. A dream home. Luxurious holidays anywhere they chose. Freedom to choose any hobby they fancied—if they ever found the time.

  And perhaps that was the crux. Maybe they wouldn’t need or want to find the time for anything as frivolous as a hobby. Life would be two-dimensional. Each other…and work. Quite apart from watching the joy of children growing up, having a family made finding time a priority. It would give life new dimensions. New meaning. Make it bigger, somehow and more worthwhile.

  Was it being selfish, wanting it all? Everything that life had to offer that was good and meaningful?

  He had the possibility of a choice here. To be with the woman he loved or to have the family he dreamed of. He was the one who would have to make the sacrifice, though, and he wasn’t ready to do that. Despite this overwhelming awareness of the person he knew Anne to be. She wasn’t the only one who’d worked hard to get where she was. Who knew what she wanted the future to hold? Whether or not she would be part of that future, however, she deserved to know how special she was.

  ‘You are amazing, you know,’ he said quietly. ‘What you’ve done for Julia has been truly extraordinary.’

  ‘You mean the surrogacy thing?’

  ‘That, too.’ He had to touch her. To try and release what was tying him into a knot inside. He held out his hand. ‘You had enough fresh air? Don’t want you to overdo things.’

  Anne took his hand and let him help her to her feet. The rocky surface was uneven, though, and she stumbled. Fell into his arms.

  The opportunity was irresistible. David held her and let her get her balance. He waited until she looked up at him, with a mixture of relief and…surprise in her face. Her eyes
shone and her lips were parted a little. And her hands were clinging to his shoulders. David didn’t wait for common sense to override his response. He bent his head and kissed her.

  It was a gentle kiss.

  A brief, soft touch of David’s lips to her own. Anne didn’t have time to close her eyes, even, so she was still looking up at him, stunned, when he pulled back.

  For a heartbeat, they simply looked at each other, saying nothing.

  Anne could feel her heart hammering but it had nothing to do with the fright of her near fall seconds ago. She could still feel David’s hands cradling her back as well, steadying her. And she could feel the strength in the muscles beneath her hands because she was still clutching his upper arms.

  She could hear the roll of gentle waves on rocks below and the jagged edge to the breath David was drawing in.

  She could smell something more potent than the salt water in the surrounding rock pools or the piles of kelp further away. The same smell she remembered from being carried in David’s arms when she’d been barely conscious. The alluring scent of safety.

  Her lips were still tingling from that brief touch of his. A sensation that was opening new memories. Awakening desire. She could taste it.

  Oh…help!

  She should move, Anne decided in that split second of being aware of little other than what her senses were telling her. She could actually feel the message being sent to her body. An order for action. It complied, sort of. It just seemed to move in the wrong direction.

  Closer to David.

  An infinitesimal amount, maybe, but it was enough for David to notice. For him to respond by drawing her even closer. Enough to prompt him to bend his head again, and this time it was a real kiss.

  His lips moved over hers with the subtle changes of position and pressure that were a familiar form of communication. It was impossible not to slip straight back into a response that begged for more. For what she knew he was capable of giving her.

  Such intense pleasure. Sensations that made her forget she had bones in her body. That made things sparkle and curl deep inside. Tiny lights she hadn’t felt for a very long time. A brightness she knew could be turned up until it exploded.

  God, she had missed this.

  The kiss went on. And on. For too long. For not nearly long enough.

  Anne wasn’t sure who pulled away first. The one whose common sense had called loudly enough to be heard, perhaps. Those lights began to dim and flicker, leaving her feeling curiously bereft. And shocked at how bright they had been. Was it her own reaction she could see in David’s eyes when she met them this time? Or was he feeling the same way?

  Who would have thought that the time apart from each other could have magnified physical attraction to that degree? That they were not only still fluent in that very private language but that it seemed to be on an entirely new level.

  A dangerous level.

  One that made Anne think crazy thoughts.

  Like the fact that having those babies for Julia had shown her she was quite capable of being a mother again. That the tape had been peeled away from a maternal switch she had been sure would not be turned on again. That giving birth and nurturing her own child could be fulfilling in a way her career might never be.

  That she could have David’s baby.

  And David.

  But part of her mind was fighting back. Pushing opposing thoughts into her head. The kind she had been convinced were the truth when she had given those babies to their real mother. That she had already sacrificed enough. That this was her time. The only time she might have in her entire life when she could reach out and achieve her own dreams.

  Amazing how fast thoughts could flash. How what was happening in your head could be so at war with what was happening in your heart. And body. No wonder it created a kind of meltdown. A feeling of utter confusion.

  Could David see all that happening in the tiny space of time he continued to hold her, with both his hands and his gaze? Was that why she could see what looked like a reflection of her own confusion?

  Anne could only be grateful that David took charge of what could have become an awkward moment.

  His lips curved in a smile. ‘Oops,’ he said. ‘Where did that come from?’

  She could have said something that might have revealed the effect that kiss had had on her. She was tempted to say that she didn’t care where it had come from as long as they could find their way back again.

  But that would lead to talking about it. She might confess her confusion and even suggest that she’d been wrong about what she wanted in her future.

  And what if David didn’t want what he had once wanted? He was selling his beloved property. He had a new job lined up to go to very soon. He’d moved on.

  This last year hadn’t been a picnic for either of them. Was it fair to start something that might simply be a rerun of the past? A relationship that promised everything but disintegrated into the pain of two people pulling in different directions and ripping little pieces off the other as they did so.

  Anne couldn’t face that. Especially not now when she knew very well that she was more emotionally fragile than she had ever been in her life before. The prospect of adding that kind of pain was terrifying.

  So she simply smiled back at David as she began easing herself away from his touch.

  ‘Sea air,’ she said lightly. ‘It’s known for its freshness.’

  She took a shaky breath and discovered she could move properly now. She turned to start the short trek back to her car. ‘I think you were right,’ she added. ‘I shouldn’t overdo things.’

  ‘Had enough, then?’ David’s voice was right behind her. His words very quiet.

  She chose to ignore the ambiguity in his query.

  Or maybe she didn’t.

  ‘Yes,’ was all she said.

  ‘Fine.’

  She couldn’t see David’s face so she had to guess at what the tone of that word revealed. The best she could come up with was, what…resignation?

  ‘Let’s go home,’ he added.

  No. Not resignation. It was more like relief.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  A WEEK went by and some shape began to emerge from the chaos of restoration work on David’s house and garden.

  Basic repairs had been completed. New plumbing and wiring was in place. Old paintwork was spruced up and faded wallpaper stripped from many rooms. In the garden, new leaves and buds were already appearing to fill in the raw patches where shrubs and roses had been pruned, and the borders had fresh, newly turned soil in places that had only been a tangle of weeds recently.

  The weather was glorious and every day Anne could open windows all over the house to let sunshine and fresh air reach every corner and counteract the dust and dirt from the ongoing work. She was making final choices for new wallpaper and curtain fabrics. She had discovered garden centres and filled trolleys with boxes of bedding plants or chosen rose bushes from the glossy pictures on the nursery walls.

  The promise of what the finished picture would be like hung in the air, taking shape and urging her to become a little more involved with every passing day. David seemed to be enjoying the process as much as Anne was. He opened accounts at plant nurseries and fabric stores.

  ‘Are you sure you don’t want to put a limit on what you’re spending?’ Anne had to check one day during the following week, having had a wonderful afternoon choosing baby trees.

  He shook his head. ‘Go for it,’ he told her. ‘You’re doing an amazing job. I think you missed your vocation.’

  ‘I am loving it,’ she admitted. ‘I never even knew I was interested in this kind of thing.’

  ‘You should be resting, not scraping paint and lugging stuff around. For heaven’s sake, Annie, you were holding a spade when I got home today and you’d obviously been using it.’

  ‘I needed some exercise. I’m feeling fine. Never better, in fact.’ And it was true but her smile had more to do with the way David had s
aid her name than her physical well-being. They were in this project together and it was drawing them a little closer every day. ‘You know what they say,’ she added.

  ‘What?’

  ‘A change is as good as a holiday.’

  ‘Some holiday.’

  ‘Works for me. This is the longest I’ve ever had away from work and I’m not remotely bored.’

  ‘Really?’ David’s glance was curious. ‘Aren’t you missing work at all?’

  ‘Not yet.’ Surprisingly, this was also true. There was something vaguely disturbing about that but Anne wasn’t going to try and analyse what that might be. ‘I’m sure I will once this project is finished.’

  ‘Mmm.’ David suddenly seemed absorbed in sorting the handful of mail he’d brought inside with him. ‘I’m sure you will.’

  The moment had been loaded with…something. Again, Anne didn’t want to try and figure out what it was because there was something else hanging in the air these days.

  That kiss on the beach.

  It hadn’t been mentioned. It certainly hadn’t been repeated but it was there. A different kind of promise, maybe.

  But of what?

  Anne was trying to ignore it. Trying not to ignite any spark of hope that it was a doorway back to a relationship that might be more than friendship. The kind of spark she’d experienced when David had suggested she come home with him. She wasn’t even sure she wanted a repeat of that kiss, despite the messages her body gave her when she lay alone in her bed at night but even if she did, the first move would have to come from David.

  He was the one who’d pulled a plug on the relationship in the first place. He hadn’t been prepared to compromise on his dreams for his future and he’d made decisive moves to get on with his life. He still was making those moves with his plans to sell his property. If the kiss had changed anything, Anne was sure she would pick up on it and that would be the time to start seriously thinking about where they were headed.