The Marry-Me Wish

by Alison Roberts

  Ready or not, she had no choice.

  Poor Anne.

  She was rocking Angus in her arms, walking round and round the only available space between the couches in this room, looking less and less sure of herself.

  ‘What am I doing wrong?’ she asked David.

  ‘Nothing, love. He’s sad because he’s hungry. And probably because he’s got wet pants.’

  ‘Okay. I can deal with that.’

  ‘Sure you can. You’re way ahead of me in baby skills.’

  Anne knelt on the floor, carefully adjusting her burden so that she could use one hand to sort through one of the bags.

  ‘It’s more than a quarter of a century since I changed a nappy,’ she said. ‘And we used cloth ones, not disposables.’ She laid a towel on the floor and put Angus down to unbutton his suit.

  ‘Phew!’ She screwed up her nose a moment later. ‘Some things don’t change. I might need a bathtub here.’

  David grinned. ‘Wipes should do it. They’ll be in that bag there somewhere.’

  Anne’s face was a picture as she held the baby’s feet in the air and started to wipe a small dirty bottom. Her movements were tentative at first and Angus obviously realised that he was in the hands of someone who might not know what they were doing. His shrieks reached an impressive decibel level.

  ‘Want to swap?’ he offered.

  ‘No.’ Anne sounded as though her teeth were gritted. ‘I can do this.’

  Of course she could but it was impossible not to compare this Anne to the woman he’d seen in Resus 1 a few hours ago. That intently focused, brilliant surgeon. She’d been doing what she was meant to be doing then. What she wanted to do. Looking skilled and competent.

  Now she was looking lost and miserable. She had to be worried sick about Mac. And Julia. And maybe she hadn’t been ready to get this involved with the babies she’d given birth to but wasn’t going to parent. And maybe there was another fear that she might not have even acknowledged yet. If the worst had happened and Mac wasn’t coming home then she would, by default, become a second parent to her nephew and niece because there was no way she would leave Julia to face the future alone.

  Ironic in a way. He’d realised today that he could never ask Anne to compromise her career for the sake of family but fate might be forcing her to do just that.

  With children that weren’t hers. Or his.

  Unconsciously, David tightened his grip on the baby he held. They needed protection, these precious babies. He wouldn’t allow himself to think of the worst case scenario.

  ‘You’re doing great,’ he told Anne, who was reaching for a clean nappy now.

  ‘Which bit goes at the front?’

  ‘I think it’s the bit with the sticky tabs. No…maybe it’s the other way round.’ Good grief, neither of them was exactly qualified to be doing this, were they?

  Julia arrived back with two warm bottles of formula as Anne was struggling to keep small, chubby legs still for long enough to stick the nappy in place. She caught David’s gaze and her eyebrows rose in a silent query about whether Anne was coping. He smiled.

  ‘Sit down,’ he suggested. ‘And take Amy. She needs her mum. Give me the other bottle and I’ll rescue Annie.’

  Anne had picked Angus up. The buttons on his stretch suit were gaping in a peculiar fashion and having a clean bottom hadn’t made him any happier. Anne looked over to where Julia was sitting with Amy, who had taken to her bottle, and then she looked at David and he could see despair in her face.

  ‘I’ll take him,’ he said. ‘You need to wash your hands.’

  By the time she returned, David was sitting the couch beside Julia and Angus lay in his arms, sucking furiously on his bottle, wide eyes staring up at the unfamiliar man who was feeding him. The only sound in the room was the contented sucking noises the babies were making.

  Until Anne’s phone rang.

  Julia flinched and then froze, watching as Anne took the call.

  ‘They’re within range of the beacon,’ she relayed moments later.

  ‘Radio contact?’ David queried.

  Anne shook her head. ‘But there’s hours of daylight left. They’ll find them soon.’

  The wait seemed interminable. Having been fed and changed and cuddled, the twins settled to sleep in the cushioned comfort of their car seats, a fuzzy blanket draped over them for warmth. David sat on a couch with a hand on each handle, rocking the seats gently. Anne held Julia in her arms on the other couch. A silent support that spoke of a bond too deep to measure.

  And then someone knocked on the door.

  ‘Jules?’ It was the same paramedic who had brought her here. ‘They’ve found them.’

  David watched the sisters straighten. They both had the same frozen expression on their faces. They were holding each other’s hands so tightly it had to hurt.

  ‘They’re alive,’ the paramedic said. ‘Both of them. The radio gear’s been knocked out of action but the chopper is pretty well intact and they’re both on safe ground. In bush country, so the plane couldn’t land.’

  ‘Oh…’ For the first time since she’d arrived at the hospital, Julia burst into tears. ‘Oh… Thank goodness!’

  ‘They’re not hurt?’ Anne whispered.

  ‘Not badly, from what could be seen. Mac was lying on the ground but he was waving, apparently. They reckoned he had a big grin on his face.’

  Julia hiccupped and smiled. ‘That’s my Mac.’

  ‘They’re sending a chopper. It’s about thirty minutes’ flight time and I’m on the crew to go. I came to see if you wanted to come with us, Jules.’

  ‘Oh…’ Julia sprang to her feet. ‘Yes.’

  But then she looked at her babies, asleep in their seats. Her gaze lifted to meet David’s and the plea was as eloquent as her turmoil. She didn’t want to leave the babies but she had to go to Mac. He was the love of her life and she’d been terrified she might lose him.

  And a part of David’s heart broke because he knew exactly how she felt. It was the way he would feel about Anne. They way he would want someone to feel about him. That he was that important.

  No. Not someone.

  Only Anne.

  ‘Go.’ David smiled at Julia. ‘We’ll look after these two, won’t we, Annie?’

  Anne nodded. She had tears on her cheeks and she got up to give Julia one last, swift hug. ‘Go and bring him home,’ she said brokenly. ‘His family’s waiting for him.’

  David was so good with the babies.

  When Angus woke and grizzled, he soothed him with rocking and soft words. When Amy woke and didn’t settle, he picked her up and cuddled her. She fell asleep in his arms and he sat very still on the couch, not wanting to disturb her.

  He looked tired. His tie had been abandoned a while ago and his shirtsleeves were rolled up. His hair was tousled and his jaw deeply shadowed. Anne couldn’t help remembering the day he’d walked across the lawn towards her, looking a bit like this. The day they’d discovered the lost pond. And each other again.

  This situation couldn’t be more different. It had nothing to do with sex or even herself and David as a couple. This was a bigger picture. A family picture but, curiously, the bond between them seemed stronger. So powerful it took her breath away and blurred her vision.

  Or was that exhaustion kicking in, in the wake of that tense stint in Theatre and then the stress of being so afraid for Mac and his brand-new family? They still didn’t know how badly he might be injured. There’d been some delay in getting another chopper off the ground. The rescue team might be lucky to get to the scene before daylight faded completely at this rate.

  ‘We should go home,’ David said into the silence of the room. ‘That way we could get something to eat and have a rest ourselves. We could be in for a long night.’

  ‘Mmm.’ It was a sensible suggestion. They could get back to the hospital quickly enough if they needed to.

  But she was reluctant to move. This picture of him sitting there
with Amy in his arms was compelling. And confusing. She wanted David to want her as more than a mother for his children but his life wasn’t going to be complete without his own family, was it?

  He was right. Taking a stand about having children of her own had been selfish. How lucky would that child—or children—be to have a father like him? She already knew how lucky she would be to have him caring for her. Protecting her.

  Loving her.

  ‘David?’

  He looked up. But his gaze kept travelling when a nurse poked her head through the door. ‘Dr Bennett?’

  Anne’s head turned swiftly. ‘Yes?’

  ‘Word is that they’re on scene. Mac has a compound fracture of his ankle but is otherwise okay. It’ll be an hour or more before they get back and it sounds like he’ll be going to Theatre as soon as possible after that.’ The nurse hesitated. ‘Are you and Dr Earnshaw planning to stay in here?’

  ‘You need the room?’

  The nurse bit her lip. ‘We’ve got a man who’s terminal. His family’s having to take turns to sit with him and they’re not getting much privacy in the waiting room.’

  ‘We were thinking of taking the twins home,’ David said. ‘Maybe you could order a taxi for us?’

  David got Amy buckled back into her car seat while Anne packed up all their belongings.

  ‘Are you sure you don’t mind?’ she asked David. ‘You have to walk tomorrow. I could take them back to the cottage.’

  ‘I think they need both of us to get settled at least,’ David said. ‘Then you’ll be able to come back to be with Jules.’

  Anne nodded, relieved. She certainly couldn’t manage this without David’s help. She was zipping up the second bag of baby gear when her mobile phone rang again.

  ‘Maybe it’s Jules,’ she said hopefully.

  It wasn’t.

  The call was from a registrar in the paediatric intensive care unit. Daniel’s blood pressure was dropping. His ECG trace was becoming erratic and his lung function causing concern.

  ‘I’m on my way,’ Anne had to say.

  And then she looked at where David was standing, holding a car seat in each hand.

  ‘Daniel’s in trouble,’ she told him. ‘I’ll have to go and see him. Could we take the twins up to the relatives’ room up there?’

  ‘What’s going to happen if Daniel needs to go back to Theatre?’

  Anne swallowed. Hard. ‘I’ll have to take him.’

  David’s face was grim. ‘If I’m going to be babysitting for hours by myself, I’d rather be doing it in my own house.’

  Anne stared at him. This couldn’t be happening. When that nurse had come into this room, she’d been on the point of telling David that she wanted to be with him for ever. That she wanted to have a family with him. But this was exactly what she’d feared all along, wasn’t it?

  The conflict between her career and family. The last thing in the world she wanted right now was to leave David to look after the babies by himself. Or to be unavailable when Julia had to sit and wait for Mac to come out of Theatre.

  The pull of family was overwhelming.

  The pull of duty unavoidable. A life was at stake. Someone else’s child.

  Conflict. Career versus family and child care.

  A sound that could almost have been a huff of ironic laughter escaped her lips. She’d been running from making this choice but here it was, right in front of her and, in the end, no matter how agonising it was, she didn’t actually have a choice at all.

  ‘I have to go and see Daniel. He’s my patient.’

  ‘Of course you do.’

  ‘Will you be all right? With…the babies?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘I’m…so sorry, David.’

  He grunted an acceptance of her apology but his face was bleak. ‘So am I.’

  They stared at each other. Echoes of the past whispered around them and stung like an icy breeze.

  ‘It was never going to work, was it?’ Anne asked softly.

  They both knew what she was talking about.

  ‘No,’ David agreed sadly. ‘I guess it wasn’t.’

  CHAPTER TEN

  THAT simple exchange had sounded the death knell of their relationship.

  It was still ringing in Anne’s ears hours later when she accompanied Julia back to David’s house to collect the babies.

  And her things.

  ‘So…’ David was standing in the entrance hall when she came out of the guest suite with her suitcase. ‘You’re leaving, then.’

  It wasn’t a question but Anne nodded. ‘I need to go home with Jules. She needs me.’

  The silence was deafening. What had she hoped she would hear? David saying that he needed her, too?

  ‘She tells me Mac’s doing well.’ His voice was tight.

  ‘We waited until he came round from the anaesthetic. They’ve done an amazing job of putting his ankle back together but it was touch and go for nerve repair. He may need some more surgery.’

  This was easier. A professional kind of conversation.

  ‘He’s got external fixation, of course, and they’re worried about infection. He’s on a bucket of antibiotics and they think he’ll be in hospital for at least a week. Quite possibly longer.’

  ‘He’ll be off work for quite a while, I expect.’

  ‘Yes, but once he’s home I’m sure they’ll be able to cope without me as an extra parent.’

  ‘What about you, Annie?’ David’s query was soft. ‘Will you be able to cope with being an extra parent?’

  ‘Yes.’ Anne knew she sounded confident. She was. Any grief she might have felt about handing over the babies was well and truly lost in this new pain of losing David.

  Again.

  Julia came out of the living room, carrying the baby seats.

  ‘Need some help?’ David asked.

  ‘I’m good. Thanks so much for everything, David.’ Julia looked from him to her sister and a furrow of concern wrinkled her forehead. ‘We’ll be in the taxi,’ she told Anne. ‘No rush.’

  ‘You didn’t need to get a taxi. I would have taken you all home.’

  ‘I know. But it would have been an hour’s drive. It’s after midnight and you’ve got an early start tomorrow. You’ve helped enough, David.’

  His expression was guarded now. ‘So it would seem.’

  It was Anne’s turn to leave but still she stood there, gripping the handle of her suitcase.

  This was it. She was walking away from David and it would be for the last time. There would be no going back. The breath she tried to take in got stuck. She swallowed and tried again.

  ‘I don’t know what to say,’ she whispered.

  That she was sorry? That she’d been wrong? Would it help to tell him that Daniel hadn’t needed her after all? That it had been bleeding from his spleen that had appeared to be under control but which had started again that had caused his deterioration? Another paediatric team had taken the little boy back to Theatre but by then Julia and Mac had arrived in the emergency department. Anyway, it had been the principle that had done the damage, not this specific incident or case.

  ‘Don’t say anything,’ David suggested. ‘The longer we spin this out, the more painful it’s going to be for both of us.’

  Anne hated that she was causing him pain. She could see it in his face. In the darkness of his eyes and the lines of strain. By the rigid way he was holding himself so still as he stood there.

  ‘We were chasing the sun, Annie,’ he said softly. ‘It was inevitable that we would get burnt.’

  No way could Anne stem the prickle at the back of her eyes or how tight her throat was now.

  ‘I couldn’t have got through the last couple of months if you hadn’t been here.’

  The tiny tremor of David’s lips was the only sign that he was finding this as hard as she was.

  ‘Hey…’ His lips firmed and twisted into a rough smile. ‘What are friends for?’

  The handle of the c
ase slipped from Anne’s grasp and she stumbled forward, holding up her arms. David stepped into them and gathered her into the hug she needed so desperately.

  But it was different.

  She could feel his solidness and the circle his arms made around her. She could hear the thump of his heartbeat but it felt…distant.

  Of course it did. He was protecting himself. From her.

  It gave her a glimpse of this from his point of view. She’d been living a lie ever since he’d come back. He’d seen her pregnant. Giving birth, even. Being content to be away from her job and devoting herself to domestic pursuits like making a home and garden beautiful. She’d reeled him in by allowing their intimacy to rekindle and grow.

  And then she’d slapped him in the face when confronted by the choice of being with him and the babies—family—or doing her job.

  Would he understand if she told him that she hadn’t wanted to make the choice she’d been obliged to make? That it had broken her heart? But what difference would it make even if he did understand the cost? The knowledge that there would be lifetime of such conflict was more than enough to show them both that it could never have worked. That it would only have generated heartache and resentment.

  That if children were involved, they would suffer too.

  If she really loved David, she would let him go. Right now. She would set him free to get on with his life and have a family with someone who would adore him and let nothing get in the way of their time together.

  She pulled back from his embrace. Trying to gather her strength so she could give David what he deserved.

  ‘We’ll always be friends, won’t we?’

  He had turned away. He was picking up her case.

  Anne couldn’t help rushing in to fill this new silence. ‘Maybe we could…have dinner or something. Before I go to Sydney. Or you go to London.’

  David looked over his shoulder. He cleared his throat. ‘We’ll be friends, Annie, but I need a bit of space to get my head around things first.’

  Of course he did. So did she. Anne followed him outside. This wound was far too raw to think of prodding it yet. It was still bleeding. Badly.

  David handed her bag to the taxi driver and bent to smile at Julia who was in the back seat, flanked by her sleeping babies.