by Angela Ardis
STILL!
2PAC (signed)
Tupac A Shakur (signed)
P.S. Where R my bikini pictures Ms. Lovely?
Am I ass out now
Pac,
Hey, I got your letter, and once again, I truly appreciate your honesty. But. . . you are such a Gemini! Such a contradiction. And it sounds like a double standard within your relationship with Keisha. Not that it’s any of my business, but you shared, so I’ll indulge. How can you honestly tell a female who is your “Queen” about another woman and not expect jealousy? Especially after you’ve already “cheated” on her, as you put it. That’s not very realistic. She’s human and so are you, but your love quotient is not typical. Therefore, I would have to conclude that the love you share with her is anything but typical. I’d bet that you couldn’t handle the situation if it were reversed! Men kill me with that double-standard shit! You claim you don’t like jealous women, but you’re damn near breeding insecurities into Keisha with your actions. Because, as you said before, if you weren’t where you are now, you would have broken your promise in weeks, and what would that have been like for Keisha? She must truly be a special case to be able to deal with your level of love. I wouldn’t be so understanding. You would already have a headache from me. I’ve been cheated on. I don’t know too many women who haven’t been. And I swear that when find out (because we always find out), I become another person, and “jealousy” doesn’t begin to describe the wrath that takes over . I guess I commend her, as long as she’s happy within herself and not just caught up on the fact that she’s with you. She’s the only one who truly knows. But what do you really expect her to say? “Oh, baby, okay. Once again, you go ahead and see where this goes, and I’ll be here for you always.” Come on, man. Where’s the reality in it all? She will get tired of your bullshit eventually, too, I think! She’s real cool, you said. But don’t take advantage of that coolness. Don’t take her for granted. Then men wonder why women are so tainted. It’s because they sit around and allow themselves to be consumed with such great levels of bullshit from men. This is not a blame to men, just an insight into females’ tainted psyches. However, this is just my mind processing your situation. I guess you two have somewhat of an understanding. If you two are content with this, then who am I to be concerned? I just don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, now that I know she’s more important than a friend. She’s a “Queen,” your queen, and I’m a friendly curiosity . So be it, Pac. Thank you for the extensive knowledge of her and ya’ll’s understood relationship.
And no, I wouldn’t say I was hating you at all, but my mind was racing a mile a minute. This huge stop sign popped up. If I had been through heaven and hell with you for 9 months and then you were attracted to someone else, I would expect you to contain yourself, just as you would if the tables were turned. If you’re honestly trying to be with me, on the real, I would expect exclusivity. Do you think she doesn’t get attracted to other guys? I’m sure she gets attracted, too, but I bet she doesn’t indulge. It’s fine to look, to flirt (in moderation), and to fantasize, but when the line is crossed and the reality is no longer blurry, what do you really have with someone? What is the basis of the relationship, per se? But then again, you did use the word “friend,” which is a noncommittal word. But “Queen” puts it somewhere else, doesn’t it?
You know, women do pray for honest men, Pac. But it doesn’t make it okay to tamper with emotions. Women get so emotionally involved when they love. So if you’re bouncing from attraction to attraction, that’s affecting her emotions on the foulest of levels. But since I know that everything has two sides and there are two of you involved—and, like I said before, as long as she’s happy—cool. And as long as you’re happy, cool.
Where do we go from here, you ask? On the exact path we’ve been on. Nothing changes. This is not the end of the road, and midnight will continue to be yours. My letters will flow freely, and my emotions will remain sincere and wholehearted. Just keep it real, and it will always be all good.
I’ve enclosed your bikini shots. Hope you like ’em.
Love,
Angela
P.S. You’re not ass out, Tupac! It’s all good.
Feel Me
(Written exclusively for Tupac Shakur from Angela Ardis)
Baby I can feel you as I go through my day
Your mind is calling me trying to get in touch with me from so far away
I’m reaching out for you, wanting to hold you, trying to embrace
That person inside you, trying to hide you, who hasn’t found his face
Can you feel what I’m saying? Is the sincerity clear?
Should I slow down so that you can catch up, you have no need to fear
My intentions are harmless but as real as it will get
I won’t hurt you, won’t desert you, I’ve not even begun yet . . .
To show you what I think you need the one thing you’ve never had
A shoulder to lean on someone to cry to when things get real bad
Judgmental I am not, tears are a cleansing of the soul
When life gets too stressful and it begins to take its toll . . .
On your mind, on your body, it consumes your every thought
I want to be there for you, confide in me, I’m the person that’s been sought
Out by God for you Tupac and our Destiny is quite clear
Fear me not, fear me not, baby have no fear!
I can feel you Tupac and I hope you can feel me too
I’m in your heart, in your mind, there’s nothing you can do
I’m here for a reason no one can tell me why
But it’s not important because we have a special tie . . .
That is quite confusing and as odd as it seems
You consume my days and my nights with beautiful dreams
Of a friend I can trust and a person to whom I can confide
With no inhibitions, no hesitations, I have nothing to hide
Can you feel me my love? Am I getting my point across?
If not then this poem is a total loss
Of words that mean nothing and feelings not well expressed
Which means that this poem would be considered one big mess
Feel me baby, let me know you’re there
Embrace my words and let me feel that you care
Can you do that for me or is it too much to ask for?
Feel me now? Pick up your pen and write till your hand is sore.
“So much for anything long-term,” I said, turning over on my stomach.
“What makes you say that?” Tupac responded, rubbing my back.
“Well, you have your queen, and even though you’ve said each day we grow . . . well, the same goes for you two, which means there is no catchup point. You’ll get deeper with her and me at the same time, and then what? Someone will eventually have to be cut off, ” I said, my words muffled in the pillow.
“Baby, why are you worried about that now? I’m here with you, ” he said, smiling.
“Oh, that makes everything okay. ! I feel better now. And tomorrow you’ll be somewhere with her. I don’t share very well, ” I said, looking at him.
“You don’t have to.”
“What do you mean?” I said, as he turned me on my back and slid on top of me.
“Trust me, ” he whispered in my ear. My eyes closed as chills ran over my body. ! I could feel him, his warmth, his wanting, and I shifted to accommodate.
“Take your clothes off,” he whispered, kissing my shoulder.
“I can’t. My mind is inside your letter, ” I gasped.
“Look at me,” he said, as his face hovered over mine.
I was inside his eyes, and my entire body swelled at the thought of his tongue exploring! my mouth. He began his descent, and I parted my lips in preparation for what I knew was coming. He brushed my lips with his, and his hands rested inside my hands above my head.
“I’m not a double standard, Angela. I’m j
ust a man, he whispered.
“Gosh darn double standards!” Tanya yelled.
I snapped to and was a bit disoriented. I gave her that look again, but she ignored me this time.
“I know you don’t agree with this!” she said.
I gave her a once-over and smiled slowly. “Inhale through your nose and blow out through your mouth. Just inhale and blow it out your mouth, girl.”
Chapter 10
AN INVITATION
For me, the splendor of the gym was the massage I got once a week and the steam bath with which I rewarded myself after every workout. It was my quiet time away from work, away from drama, away from everything. It gave me time to meditate and to clear my head of all things irrelevant. As my sweat merged with the moisture the steam provided, I closed my eyes and exhaled, freeing my mind once again.
“At least being on the water lends a faint breeze. God, it’s hot today!” I yelled, wiping the sweat from my brow.
“Here, baby, let me help you with that,” Tupac said, coming up from below in the boat with an ice pail in one hand and two champagne glasses in the other. My eyes met his, and he sat on the lounge chair beside me. He dipped his entire hand inside the ice bucket for several seconds, then placed it slowly on my chest. The humidity from my body heat and the coolness of his hand provided cool air around my face. He lowered my lounge chair, and I turned over on my stomach. I closed my eyes, listening to the ice making room for his hand as it descended into the pail once again. Undoing my bikini top, he placed both ice-cold hands on my back. His hands began tracing the curve of my spine down to the rise of my butt, down my thighs, to the bottoms of my feet. My temperature decreased considerably as he blew soft breaths over my chilled body. I exhaled again and again, trying to get a hint of cool air into my lungs, but it was so hot, almost suffocating.
“Are you okay?” Tupac asked urgently as I gasped for air. “You okay?”
“Are you okay?” I heard someone say. I had been taken out of the steam room and was sitting upright on the cold tile floor right outside the door.
“What happened?” I asked, confused, noticing about four strangers hovering over me.
“You had your face turned toward the steam spouts, and I guess when the steam came on, you couldn’t breathe,” an older lady explained matter-of-factly. “Here, let us help you up, sweetie.” Two of the ladies took my arms and assisted me to my feet.
“I’m fine,” I assured them. “No more falling asleep in there, huh?” I joked..
“At least, not right across from the steam spouts,” they said, laughing, and dispersed. I found my way to my locker, finished the water in my bottle, and just sat still for what seemed like an hour but was really a little over twenty minutes. I could hear my pager buzzing and my cell phone beeping. I had a couple of guesses who it probably was and knew there was no immediate urgency to returning either of the phone calls. I slowly pulled on my sweats and made my way out of the gym and into the warm night air.
I could hear my phone ringing as I opened the door to the apartment. My legs were pretty sore from my workout, but I ran to my room and caught the phone on the fourth ring.
“Hello,” I said, breathing heavily. I could hear laughter on the other end.
“Did I catch you at a bad time? If I did, I’m jealous,” he joked. I smiled at the fact that it was Tupac.
“No, you didn’t catch me at a bad time. I just got in from the gym. How are you?” I crooned.
“I’m cool,” he responded softly. “I tried to call you earlier, but you weren’t home and I didn’t want to leave a message this time,” he said.
“I’m glad you called back.”
“I thought I’d give it another try. I wanted to see if it would be okay if my cousin contacted you so that ya’ll can talk about when you would be able to come up here,” he said hesitantly. I was surprised.
“That was fast, huh?” I said as he laughed.
“I know it’s sooner than we had anticipated, but I can’t wait. I want to meet you,” he said.
I couldn’t help but laugh. He had this way of saying things that was adorable and childlike.
“Yeah, Pac, that would be cool. I really want to meet you, too. Just let him know around what time to call, or he can just leave a message and I’ll call him back.”
“Cool. Did you have a good day?” he asked.
“It was all right. How ’bout yours?”
“Please. Every day in here is hell,” he said matter-of-factly.
“I’m sorry. You’re right. That was a stupid question,” I said, feeling bad that I’d even asked it.
“Don’t worry about it. I’ll just go read one of your poems, sniff your envelope, and kiss your picture, and my night will be filled with a lot more pleasant thoughts than my day has been,” he said. We laughed. “I have to go, but my cousin should be calling you soon.”
“Okay,” I said.
“Good night,” he said softly.
“Good night,” I whispered, and we hung up.
I realized that getting calls from Tupac was weird when I actually stopped long enough to think about it. It was nice, though—a cool surprise from time to time. I took a shower to wash my workout down the drain. As I slipped into my pajamas, my phone rang.
“Hello,” I said.
“Hi, baby. How was your day?” my mom asked.
“It was okay. Work was hectic, my workout was torture, and Tupac called,” I said in a rush.
“What was he talking about?” she asked.
“He just wanted to know if it would be all right with me if he gave his cousin my phone number to discuss when I was going to go up there,” I said hesitantly. I knew my mother. I had heard the silence that I was experiencing on the phone now so many times before. Her quiet meant so many things and encompassed a mouthful of dialogue without a word ever being spoken.
“I thought you were going to get to know him first,” she said calmly.
“I am getting to know him. Don’t worry. I’m not leaving tomorrow.”
“Angela, you have no idea who you are dealing with. You don’t know anything about Tupac, and you definitely don’t know anything about his cousin,” she replied more adamantly.
I didn’t have any way of making her feel better or of erasing her worries. I really, in all honesty, didn’t know what I was doing, as much as I was pretending to everyone that I did. I also knew that there was a huge potential for danger lurking.
“You’re right. I don’t know his cousin, and I know about Tupac only from what he’s told me and from what the media says. But I’m going off of my vibes on this one and trusting my gut.”
“You’re trusting your curiosity, and you’re hoping that it all turns out okay,” she challenged.
“C’mon, Mom.”
“No. You need to stop being so impulsive and think a little more before you take action on things.”
“I wouldn’t exactly call this being impulsive. It’s being planned. Give me some credit. I’m capable of having reliable vibes just like you.”
“You also have the ability to make things appear to be how you want them.”
“I’m gonna be fine. I don’t know how to make you more comfortable. I guess maybe I just can’t. But this is gonna happen, and it’ll be fine. You told me yourself that there are no guarantees in life. Whether I wait another three months or a year, it won’t matter.”
“Guarantees are not promised, Angela, but the odds are not necessarily in your favor.”
“Odds based on what? There are a lot of things people don’t know in life and the only way they learn them is by planting their feet and digging in to see what comes out of it,” I said, trying to reason with her.
“It doesn’t take a lot to know what the outcome will be if you plant your feet into a field of shit instead of something solid,” she retorted.
I totally understood why she was worried, but I wasn’t able to justify anything that I was thinking about doing. My stomach was knotting up fro
m this conversation.
“Mom, please. I’ll be fine, and I’ll keep you informed every step of the way. I promise.”
She took a deep breath, and I knew the discussion was over for now.
Tanya had overheard most of my conversation from the living room, and I guess that due to the silence, she took an educated guess that I was off the phone.
“Yo mama’s not too happy, huh?” she asked, standing in my bedroom doorway.
“Tan, I really don’t want to talk about it right now.”
I wanted to think that I was being careful and that I was being cautious and that I was thinking with a level head, but I knew I probably wasn’t. I knew I was probably caught up in the entire drama and yearning for adventure. There was also a part of me that wanted a complete and well-rounded story to tell when I got older. Only, most people would not consider this to be adventurous, but rather dangerous and childish. Nevertheless, I knew I was going no matter what anyone said.
Chapter 11
THUG MANSION
A few days later, I was contacted by Tupac’s cousin regarding the visit.
“So you’re going?” my roommate asked.
“Yes.”
“I thought ya’ll were going to wait a few months!”
“Well, we’ve changed our minds.”
“But you don’t even know his cousin, Ann. That’s dangerous. And you’re going to be in New York? If something was to happen, you don’t know anyone there. Then what?” She was serious, and I knew it.