by Angela Ardis
“You’re right, but I’m going. And just so you know, I’ve already had this conversation with my mother. I’ve been where you’re headed, so find a detour.”
“Have you met his cousin yet?”
“I’m going to meet him on Saturday.”
“Oh, really! Where?” she asked, scolding.
“At Thug Mansion.” I smirked.
“Where? What’s that?”
“Tupac’s house here.”
“Oh, that’s safe. Does your mother know what you’re doing?”
“I just told you that I already had this conversation with my mom!” I was irritated.
“But has she been updated?”
“How old am I?” I questioned, getting a little pissed. “I wasn’t aware of the fact that I had to ask my mother’s permission to make moves in my life,” I challenged. “You know me better than that.”
“Yes, I do! You’re stubborn.”
“No, I’m my own person! I don’t live my life according to how others feel I should live it. Any mistakes I make are my own, not yours and definitely not my mother’s! If this turns ugly, I have only myself to blame. And if it’s a pleasant experience, I won’t sit back and say I’m glad I didn’t listen to Tan and Mom! I can’t not go because if I didn’t, I would walk around forever saying I wish I had when I could have or wondering what it would have been like. I don’t and can’t live my life like that. My curiosities have to be satisfied at some point, and the opportunity is knocking now. Do you understand?”
“I hear you, but . . . I don’t know.” She was concerned.
“I mean, Tan, you couldn’t have told me a month ago that I would be writing and talking to Tupac. Now he wants to meet. Well, you couldn’t have told me that either. I appreciate your concern, but I don’t have any bad vibes about any of this,” I explained.
“Damn a vibe. Common sense should prevail,” she said in a way that thoroughly annoyed me.
“I know how I feel, and that’s really all that matters. And you’re not one to talk. It’s not like you’ve always used common sense. Should I bring up some examples of when you didn’t?” She rolled her eyes. “But you followed your own mind, and things turned out however they turned out, and that’s that. But it was your choice! Right?” I finished, clearly expecting her to answer, but instead she smirked.
“Well, yeah, but this is different,” she pleaded.
“It’s not different. I’ll be fine.”
“Fine! Fine! Fine! Your momma’s probably pulling her hair out.”
We looked at each other and laughed.
I understood everyone’s concerns. Hell, to be honest, I was concerned myself. I am the “what-if” queen. What if something did go wrong? What if his cousin was crazy? What if Tupac was crazy? I didn’t know anyone in New York; the closest people I knew were in Michigan, and Mom wasn’t happy. But I didn’t feel anything negative, only the normal anxieties of doing unknown things, the flurries of concern and periodic paranoia. It was going to happen. It had to happen. Damn the thought of fear that everyone was trying to instill in me. There was no place for it. I felt calm.
Early Saturday afternoon, I arrived at what was called Thug Mansion. His cousin met me outside as I parked my car in front of the house. I was expecting a mansion, but instead I found myself looking at a normal house in a middle-class neighborhood. Nothing elaborate, just a house. We went inside. It wasn’t heavily furnished. I noticed just a few things in the living room as we passed and a couch in the den, where we ended up. Tupac’s sister was also there and offered me something to drink. I accepted, and his cousin then asked me a few questions regarding my availability.
I sat and looked around, wondering where in the world all of Tupac’s stuff was. There was one photograph of him on the wall across from me, but I didn’t see anything else that made me feel even remotely that this house was associated with him. I started to think about what my mother had said and I began to have a mild anxiety attack. I was staring at his cousin’s mouth moving and realized I didn’t know anything about him. This might not be Thug Mansion—or his sister, for that matter. His sister handed me a glass of water, and I guess his cousin sensed something because he commented, “Tupac’s stuff is in his place in New York.”
“Oh,” I said, smiling uncomfortably. That makes sense, I thought. I could see a pool through the sliding glass doors. It needed to be cleaned, but it wasn’t spring yet, I rationalized. We discussed the timing of the trip, and we decided that Tupac would pay for my plane ticket and I would pay for my room and ferry. I didn’t want him to pay for everything, and I didn’t want to pay for everything either, so it was fair. I stayed for about an hour, then said good-bye and made my way back home. I was comfortable.
I decided to take the long way home in order to do some thinking. It was going to be a weekend thing, and I knew it would be no big deal to get that Friday off. My biggest headache would be trying to figure out what I was going to wear. It was dark when I arrived home, and Tanya was waiting impatiently on the couch.
“Hey,” I said.
“So, what happened?” she asked, seeming to be holding back her excitement.
“It was cool,” I said, kind of relieved that it had been. “He was cool, polite, respectful. I also met Tupac’s sister, and she was cool, too.”
“Was it a mansion?”
“No, it was a house, in a cul-de-sac,” I said, sitting across from her.
“Was it pretty? Furnished nicely?”
“Not what one would expect, I guess. But it had a nice-sized pool in the back. I didn’t go out there, but I could see it from the den area.”
“Oh. So, what now?”
“Well, he’s making the arrangements and will keep in touch as progress is made. When the time is here, we will go,” I said, as she gave me a look. “What?”
“I admire you. As much as I bitch, I admire the fact that you always go after what you want no matter what people say or think. I wish I could do that.”
“Don’t wish for things you have control over. Just change them. I get scared like everyone else, but I decided a long time ago that my life is mine. I have only one. Everyone else has one, too. So if you give in to the demands and fears of others . . . well, then it’s no longer yours. I don’t choose to do that. No one’s perfect or has all the answers. So, if I follow your mind instead of my own, what does that say about my faith in my own thought process and my own sensibilities?”
“True. True.”
“I like advice, I appreciate concern, and I accept others’ opinions, but the final choice regarding my actions has to be mine. And so it is and always will be,” I said, getting up and going to the kitchen to get some water. She was quiet.
“So, what did you do today?” I asked, watching her from the kitchen. As she rambled on, I thought about my conclusions, the meeting, and Tupac. I believed my own hype again. I purposely set aside the possibility of any danger and thought only of the positive. Was I fooling myself?
Nope! It was all good.
“Well, we’re alone again,” he said slowly.
“Yeah. Imagine that.”
“Are you nervous?” he asked.
“Surprisingly I’m not,” I replied. I raised my hand to his face and slid my thumb across his cheek. He closed his eyes as he let out a low moan. His hand made its way slowly up my stomach, between my breasts, and abruptly grabbed hold of my neck. His eyes sprang open, and mine widened, as I was caught off guard. He pressed his body against mine, rubbing his lips against my earlobe. His grip was getting firmer as he moved his lips down my neck and across my cheek. I could feel his smile. My breathing became shallow as he began to slide his lips toward mine.
The phone started to ring. As he reached the side of my mouth, he slowly said, “Answer that. ” I shook my head no
Abruptly I was thrust to the side.
“Answer it!” Tanya said, then picked it up herself, looking at me like I was crazy. We had our own phone lines, but hers was co
nnected to the phone in the kitchen, where I was still standing. “Hello. Hold on,” she told whoever it was. “What’s wrong with you?
I took a deep breath, took another drink of my water, and walked slowly to my room.
“What did I do?” she asked, genuinely confused.
“Hello,” I heard her say into the phone. “Oh, nothing. Sybil’s back, that’s all.”
I ignored the comment. I would meet Tupac soon, I thought to myself. Everything was going in a forward motion. Amazing.
Chapter 12
GETTING REALLY PERSONAL
3/28/95
Dearest Angela
What’s up love? How R U? My cuz said u 2 met and everything is in the works as far as the visit that’s good. I’m very happy with how things are going 4 us especially after reading your last letter I’m satisfied knowing that as long as I keep it real with u then it can only be positive relations between u & I u feel me? I believe in destiny and everyday it becomes even more clear 2 me that our meeting is just that DESTINY! So don’t look at me as your average nigga, see me as the nigga u were destined 2 meet! Why? Who knows and at this point it is not important. What is important is how we treat each other. So don’t pay attention 2 outside influences (ie Mother, Media, girlfriends) Like I said picture me and treat me like the closest “girlfriend” u have ever had. Only difference is I am a man! That’s a big difference but u know how it is with female & males. It’s like a dick can be the barrier between true friendz and bullshit! I don’t want that for us! I only want reality 4 us. However painful it is or joyous it can be. It may look hopeless and uninviting right now but have no fear follow me Angela and I won’t bring u grief that I can assure u. Only way 4 us 2 fail is if u lie or assume! Besides that we have a long beautiful road ahead of us . . . . . . . . .come on let’s go!
♥ 2PAC (signed)
EXCLUSIVELY
4 Angela from 2PAC
(I figured if I write it Big u
can believe me when I tell u it’s
exclusive!)
ANTICIPATED EC$TACY
Kiss me Angela, Taste my soul
Embrace your destiny
Lay back, relax, arch your back
And leave the rest 2 me
Spread your legs but leave on the lights
So u can see my eyes
Grab hold and hug while we make love
So strong it will make u cry
Tonight let’s take our time it’s been awhile
But there’s no rush
I love the way u quiver as I deliver
The slightest touch
My arms will take away the stress
My kiss will ease the pain
Have u ever made love that was so intense
When u came it’s like falling rain
Don’t blush I know u feel me
Don’t be shy cuz now’s the time
Someday I’ll make love 2 your physical
But tonight let me sex your mind
PASSION
& ECSTACY
2PAC
4 Angela EXCLUSIVELY
FOREVER INSIDE U
from 2PAC
Was it a dream I dreamed
Last night I saw a friend who understood
The ups and downs joy and pain
The bad as well as good
Did I fantasize or make this up
This bond I swear we have
So strong and real sometimes I feel
Your so near I can hear u laugh
There’s no telling what lies at the end 4 us
Trust me though I know your scared
But close your eyes and follow my voice
And I swear I’ll guide u there
Damn if I was your girlfriend or your man u’d surely trust me
In no rush 2 touch, suck or fuck but intent on making u love me
If I don’t do nothing I will succeed where others tried 2
Through my letters and poems your no longer alone cuz I’ll for-
ever be inside u
What’s up, Boo?
I believe in destiny, too. We have been pulled together for a reason. I don’t have the answers to the “whys,” and I try not to dwell on the “whys” that the universe controls. I just surrender myself to whatever experience it brings me. You feel me? I want you to know that outside influences have no bearing on us. There is nothing that the media, my mother, my girlfriends, or anyone can say or do that can destroy what we’re sharing. Unless, of course, we allow them to. Rest assured, it won’t be me! Are you down for the long haul? I hope so.
Your poetry was tantalizing. Are you trying to seduce me? It’s working. You made the first stop on our long, beautiful road. Now allow me to take you somewhere else. Come on. Let’s go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
STORY 1
Dusk crept into the room as their conversation continued and laughter filled the air. The closeness that they shared was from their friendship and the passion that lay hidden deep within. This evening wasn’t a normal evening. The chemistry was intense, the champagne intoxicating, the music soothing, the ambiance engulfing. She sat there, hanging on every word that passed his full lips. His hands, she thought, were so strong. She imagined him touching her face, her shoulders, her breasts, her thighs, her . . .
He watched her laugh. He loved to see her laugh, so beautiful, seductive. Watching her eyes . . . the passion that danced within them was pure madness. So much to unleash, so much to explore, so much to know. “If I could only touch her,” he thought to himself. “If I could show her what love should feel like. The places that that passion in her eyes could take her. If only. . .”
The sun had gone, and they sat with the glare of the fireplace reflecting solitude. He poured more champagne and changed the CD. He smiled as he sat back on the couch.
“What are you smiling at?” she asked.
“I think you’re so beautiful.” He placed his hand against the side of her face, tracing the smoothness with his thumb. Her eyes closed from the warmth of his hand, and a powerful chill filled her body as her eyes slowly opened. For the first time in their relationship, they were at a loss for words. Staring into each other’s eyes, they knew, at that moment, that no other words were needed . . .
They slid to the floor in front of the fireplace. He took her face in his hands and kissed her gently on her forehead, then her cheek, then her nose. Their eyes met again, and the approval for which he was searching was dancing wildly inside of hers. He kissed her passionately. She ran her hands over the back of his head and moaned. Their breathing intensified as he slowly laid her on the rug. He stared at her beneath his body and she at him . . .
“I want you,” he said.
She pulled his head to her mouth as he began slowly rubbing her stomach. She exhaled as he moved to her earlobes. She began arching and squirming with every thrust of his tongue in her ear. Placing his hand under her shirt, he could feel her warm body quiver as he began caressing her breast. With her nipples hard and full of desire, she began pushing his shoulders down her body. She wanted to feel his lips on her breasts and his tongue circling around her nipples. He got right over her breasts, and she could feel the heat of his breath on her chest. He paused and got up, kneeling beside her, admiring her curves.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
“Do you trust that I would never hurt you?” he asked.
“Yes,” she responded, concerned.
“Then just relax and go with the flow,” he said as a grin came over his face.
Before she could say anything, he swooped over her and began kissing her passionately, while ripping her shirt open and rubbing her breasts and nipples. At first, she didn’t know what to think, but found that her body was responding faster than her mind. She was wetter than she had ever been, and she never wanted anyone the way she wanted him. He was being rough but gentle. He raised and locked her hands above her head with one of his hands and began lifting her skirt. All she could think about was him inside of her, all
of him, and she couldn’t stand it. She flipped him over and sat on top of him. Feeling his hardness, she began to move her hips as she removed what was left of her top and bra. She ripped off his shirt. His breathing increased as she slid down his body and placed one of his nipples in her mouth. She circled her tongue, nibbling, then biting, licking, and biting again, sucking, biting, nibbling, licking. It was his turn to squirm, and he was. She loved it. She was moving on top of him to the rhythm of his squirm. He grabbed her butt and began squeezing it as she pushed down in matching motion. Her sighs where more apparent, his grasp was more firm . . .
“I want you now!” he said.
She sat up and unbuckled his pants, taking out his person. She slowly licked the head, then the shaft, and ran her tongue up and down the length of it and back to the head. Round and round she went, then she put it in her mouth and began sucking it, first softly, then hard, then softly, then harder, circling her tongue at the same time. She could see his stomach trembling and could feel his person pulsating intensely. She stopped and took her skirt off, no panties to be found. He removed his pants, laying her on the rug, teasing her with the tip of his manhood gently pressing against the opening of her vagina. She moaned, begging him to put it in. He inserted it gently, and they both exhaled. His hardness filled her with such an intensity that she gripped him as her body tightened. They rolled around the floor, thrusting and flipping each other, until they both started coming, coming, and coming, draining all their curiosities and years of pent-up passions. He held her in his arms, kissing her deeply again and again. She began thinking to herself, “Would this feeling last? Could this feeling last? Will this friendship last? Will we remain as close as we’ve been? How does he feel about me now?”