Burn Out

by Ruthi Kight

  I pretended to stretch, letting the tips of my fingers graze the zipper of his jeans. His dick jumped, pushing against the material, straining to get loose. He hissed and grabbed at my hand, pulling it away from his best friend. “Unless you plan to please, don't fucking tease.”

  “Fair enough.” I shook his hand off and sat up. No longer did I feel like I was going to die. Instead, I was met with a dull throb in my skull and a growling stomach. “I'm gonna need a shower before I go anywhere.”

  He snapped his fingers and smiled. “Well shit, I should have waited. We could have saved some water and showered together.”

  “Ha. I don't think so. That's my personal time. Besides, you've already caught me wet handed once. You only get one in this lifetime.” With a wink, I got out of bed and went into the bathroom, shutting the door behind me. As it was clicking shut, I heard his mumble “Now that's a damn shame.”

  The shower felt amazing. So refreshing. Considering how the day had started, this was the epitome of heaven. The night's debauchery sluiced off my body, leaving a rejuvenating feeling in its wake. The rumbling of my stomach reminded me that food awaited me, so I tried to rush through my shower.

  If I didn't eat soon, there was a slight chance that my inner Roseanne was going to make an appearance. Fuck a Snickers. I needed something hearty. Something warm and juicy...the clenching of my core warned me of impending frustration. I couldn't figure out why my brain was stuck on constant horn-dog these days, but it was beginning to be a real pain in my ass.

  There was always the choice of just giving in, letting Liam get what he was after. It's not like I was waiting for love or some shit, just the right circumstances. The question was, did Liam fit? Or was I just so wound up that I would settle for the first guy to wave his pecker in my face? Without a real answer to that, I couldn't make a decision. At least, my brain couldn't. Other parts of my anatomy weren't so hard to convince.

  While I showered, I could hear Liam bumping around in his room, so there was no chance to release any of the built up tension in my body. It would just have to simmer down on its own. At least he wasn't waiting in there when I came out. In my rush, I had forgotten to grab my clean clothes.

  There was no need to be a “tease,” as he called it, by showing up soaking wet and wearing only a towel.

  Once I was dressed, I went in search of the little pervert. I could hear him talking, so I followed the sound of his voice and found him waiting at the front door. His phone was pressed to his ear and his mouth was moving a mile a minute.

  “It's none of your business. The choices I make are my own.” There was a pause as he listened to the voice on the other end. His head began to shake back and forth and his brow furrowed in concentration. “This conversation is over. I’m doing what I have to do. Now leave me to it.”

  He glanced over his shoulder and found me standing a few feet away. When he turned back, he resumed his heated conversation. “I've gotta go. Please don't call back.” After returning the phone to his pocket, he turned to face me once again. “How much of that did you hear?”

  “Not much, but enough. What's going on?” I asked, taking a small step towards him. When he shook his head, I stopped moving. It hurt that he didn't want me near him, but I understood.

  “It's nothing important. Not anymore. Ready to eat?”

  Avoidance was something that we had in common. Not a great foundation for a budding friendship, but it was working pretty well so far. “Sure.” Before he could walk away, I reached out and touched his arm. “Just so you know, if you need someone's ass kicked, I'd be glad to help.”

  With a grim smile, he nodded. The usual cocky smile that I had grown to like was nowhere to be seen. Whoever had been on the phone with him had taken the wind out of his sails. For some reason, that really pissed me off.

  “I'll keep that in mind. Now let's go eat. I'm starving.”

  ***

  “Tell me about you. I feel like you're a complete enigma.”

  The waitress had just left our table after taking our orders, and already he was jumping into the deep shit. Unsure how to answer him, I shrugged and focused my attention on the deep scratch on the table.

  “If we're gonna live together, you can at least give me a few basic details,” he said. I still had no idea how much he knew, but it couldn't be much if he had opened his home to me so easily. If he didn't know all the sordid details, would he be able to handle them if I told him?

  The front door opened behind me, letting in a wave of heat and humidity. It washed over me, leaving a sheen of sweat in its wake. “I'm really not that interesting.” I kept my head down. Avoidance was an art form that I had mastered years ago.

  When his fingers made contact with mine on the table, I tried to pull back, but he held tight. “Look, we all have skeletons in our closets, okay? I have done shit that I wasn't proud of, and things that I wish I could scream across the sky. But all of it makes me who I am. Regardless of what others may think, I think you're pretty fucking awesome.”

  “You don't know me. You think you do, but you don't. My skeletons...they're massive.” I slid to the end of the booth and stood up. “I'll be back.”

  I almost ran to the bathroom, nearly knocking over an elderly lady and her walker as I made my way across the restaurant. The bathroom was small and stuffy, but as soon as I locked the door behind me I could feel the pressure in my chest lessen.

  Why did he have to spill that shit to me? Couldn't he keep that to himself? I knew that he was only trying to make me feel better, but it didn't fucking help. Instead, I felt worse. He believed me to be someone that I wasn't and I didn't have the balls to tell him the truth. Including all the dirty details. Hell...it had been years since I told anyone.

  A loud bang startled me, followed by Liam's voice. “Delia. I know you're in there. Open the door.”

  “No!”

  “Open it!”

  “Go away! I'm fine!”

  Suddenly, the door flew open and I found him standing there grinning. “You're not fine.” I stepped back and stared at him. He had lost his ever loving mind!

  “How in the hell did you get that open?” I tried to stay calm, but what I really wanted to do was grab him by the hair and dunk his face in the toilet. “It was locked!”

  Ignoring my protests, he walked in and shut the door, locking it behind him. “Get the hell out Liam!” With a quick shove, his back connected with the door.

  “Why did you run away? I don't understand what is going on!” He didn't try to approach me again, this time keeping himself away from bodily harm. “One minute you're fine. We're fine. The next...it's like you've gone off the deep end.”

  “I tried to warn you. I did! You have no idea who I am. Or what I am!”

  “You're Delia Adair. You're a smartass, a tease, funny, smart...shall I keep going? I know exactly who you are. Whatever you're hiding, you're keeping it from the wrong person.” Before I knew it, he was in front of me, his hands wrapped around my waist. “I don't care what it is. All I want is you.”

  His mouth was suddenly on mine. His kiss was scorching, almost knocking me off my feet. The feel of his lips, so strong yet soft, was incredible. When his tongue probed my lips, I willingly let him in. That inner voice that I had been ignoring all along was being a mouthy bitch again, but this time she wasn't as loud.

  My hands snaked up his back, my fingers coming together at the nape of his neck. The smell of his hair, the taste of his mouth...it was overwhelming. When I felt his hands skimming up my sides, stopping right at the underside of my bra, I had to pull back. We were going to end up butt naked on the dirty ass floor of the bathroom if we didn't stop.

  I took a few steps back, my fingers coming to rest on my now swollen lips. I could still taste him there. His smell was now embedded in my nose, my mind, my body. I would never get used to that, but maybe that wasn't such a bad thing.

  “Why did we stop?” he asked, that sexy grin back in action.

  I s
hook my head, but didn't smile. “You've got me all kinds of twisted, you know that? I can't even think straight when you kiss me like that.”

  “It's all part of my devious plan.”

  “Well stop. This isn't...right.”

  “You know, you've never given me a real reason why this,” he gestured between us, “won't work.”

  “And you want to talk about it here? In a dirty old bathroom?”

  He closed the distance that I had put between us, sending shivers through my body. Too close. Too damn close. “There's always my bedroom. Though, I don't think we'd get much talking done there.”

  A sudden knock at the door had us both jumping apart. The stranger's timing was impeccable. “Let's go home. We can...talk there.”

  When I opened the door, there stood an older woman, her lips turned up in a snarl. The look on her face could have melted the skin off of our bodies, if we had actually cared. Instead, both of us delivered rushed apologies and ran out, leaving her to her business.

  We stopped by the table where Liam threw down a twenty dollar bill, not even bothering to wait for a check. The eager look on his face said it all. He was ready to get the talking done so we could figure out whether or not there would ever be an “us”. I was still unsure whether there was anything for us in the future.

  But when his fingers curled around mine, and that spike of adrenaline shot through my system, I couldn't bring myself to give two shits about what would happen a year from now. Or a week from now. Hell, even an hour from now could remain a mystery.

  There was only that moment. There was only us. And I was fucking determined to give it a shot.

  ***

  When we got back to the house, I excused myself and went into the bathroom. I wasn't chickening out. No way. But I needed a few minutes to compose myself. When we were driving home, my mind was spinning with the what-ifs.

  What if I told him everything and he ran?

  What if I told him everything and he didn't care?

  What if we gave us a shot and it didn't work?

  So many questions burned through my heart. I had no answers and no way of knowing what would happen. While I knew that there was no way I would find out without trying, I couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't right. My body was in overdrive, my nerves amped up to the limit. My body was shaking and pouring sweat.

  None of those things added up to a nice pile of sexy, you know?

  My fingers were twitching by the time we got home. It had been too long since I had taken my medication. I had never gone this long without it, but now I was starting to worry that maybe it had been a bad idea to stop taking it. At first I had felt okay. Better than okay. I felt more alive than I had in years.

  But now?

  Now I was feeling the shakiness, the cravings...all things that would eventually lead me back to my addiction. My disease. The one thing in my life that had the power to take away all of my happiness, all in the blink of an eye.

  Just take the damn pill. That's all I had to do. Just find the medication, swallow one of those lifesavers, and be done with the worrying and the stress. It just wasn't the right time to try to purge myself, and I knew that.

  I began my search of the bathroom medicine cabinet, where I thought I had put them, but they weren't there. Under the sink? Nope. In the trash can? Fuck! They were not in the bathroom that much was true.

  The search extended, moving me from each room in the house, looking in every nook and cranny that I could find. The pills were gone. When Liam asked me what was wrong, I lost it.

  “My pills are gone! GONE! Have you seen them? I need them!” I was shaking by that point. The burn was back, making its way slowly through my body, leaving no inch of me unscathed. “You took them! Didn't you? Where the fuck did you put them?”

  “Whoa, calm down Delia! I didn't touch your pills!” When the realization hit him that I was off my meds, horror replaced his once beaming smile. “Where was the last place you put them?”

  I screamed at him, telling him that I had left them in his bathroom. He stormed in there and I could hear him tearing the place apart. They weren't there, but neither of us were exactly rational by that point, so there was no use in pointing that out to him. When he stormed back into the living room, he was in panic mode as well.

  “We'll just get you some more. It's okay. Don't worry.” He put his arms around me and pulled me to his chest, but I pushed him off, sending him to the ground with a thud.

  “Don't touch me!” I ran out the back door, tripping on the bottom step of the porch. My hands landed in the sand, the tiny pieces embedding themselves in my skin, but I shook it off. When I got my feet back under me, I took off running as fast as I could. Liam wasn't chasing me this time. Obviously, he had learned his lesson.

  With no idea where I was headed, I let my body lead the way. All I knew was that I had to get out of there. I had to get away from him or I would bring him down with me. There was no controlling myself when I was in that state. He would end up hurt, just like everyone else in my life, and I couldn't do that to him. He didn't deserve it.

  I ran. The muscles in my legs were cramping. The pain was horrible, but it was what I needed. It was easier to deal with the physical pain than to allow my brain a moment's rest. When it began to get control again, shit would hit the fan. There was no stopping it.

  At that point, I knew I had to stay away from Liam, at least for a while. He would probably worry about where I had gone, but until I could get myself under control, he wasn't safe. His house wasn't safe. None of us were safe.

  Chapter Eleven

  I spent the night on the beach, curled up under the stars. It took a long time for the pulsing in my body to subside. Underneath my skin, my veins were on fire. Desperate for relief. I then understood the need for my medication. Without those little pills, I was exactly what everyone thought I was: fucking dangerous.

  When I woke up the next morning, the urges had passed, leaving a wall of shame around my heart. I couldn't even imagine what Liam thought of me now. I had flipped my shit on him, blaming him for my pills being missing. They weren't in the house. That much was certain. I knew that I had left them there. So, what the hell happened to them?

  I thought about that the entire way home. As my legs throbbed from their workout the night before, I focused on trying to figure out where they could be. Had someone come into the house and taken them? But why would someone do that? It didn’t make any sense.

  I had no choice but to either figure out where they went, or drag my ass back to rehab, and Dr. Jenkins, to get another prescription. She was the last person that I wanted to see. With her smug ass face and her designer duds, she would send me over the edge without even breaking a sweat.

  I was so lost in my own thoughts that I didn't hear someone calling my name as I trudged through the sand. It wasn't until someone was touching my back that I noticed. When they made contact, I screamed and whirled around, my fists flying in all directions. Fight or flight kicked in, and I was in no shape to run anywhere.

  “Hold up there, slugger. It's just me,” said Mike, his hands in the air as he backed away from me. “Long night?”

  “That's the understatement of the year,” I replied, running my fingers through my knotted hair. When I got snagged midway through, I gave up, dropping my hands in defeat.

  “I called your house looking for you when you didn't show up for work. Some guy said that I might find you here.” When I just stared at him, uncaring, he continued. “He sounded worried. You might want to let him know you’re okay.”

  “Pass.” I turned away from him and began walking towards the house again. Within seconds he was beside me, keeping pace as I tried, unsuccessfully, to speed walk away. “You’re fucking up my dramatic exit.”

  He laughed and I couldn’t help but smile. “Wanna talk about it?”

  I stopped and faced him. “Why does everyone think that talking about shit is going to make things better? You know what would
make it better? Not talking about it. Leaving me alone about it. Vodka. Now that would make shit better.”

  “Now, see, I personally know that you and alcohol are not a good mix. Besides, aren’t you underage?”

  “You missed the entire point of that, didn’t you?” He just smiled, so I turned away and started walking again. “I lost my pills.”

  “What kind of pills?” I glanced back at him, but he wasn’t looking at me. He was watching the waves as they crashed on the beach.

  I focused my eyes on the sand as I took each step. “The pills that keep me from doing something stupid.”

  “Ah, got it. Well, get some more.”

  “It’s not that easy.”

  “It’s only as complicated as you make it, Delia. So, stop making it complicated. Do whatever you have to do to get straight.” He patted me on the back and smiled, then waved goodbye.

  I watched him for a few moments as he went about his day. Complicated. He had no idea just how hard it would be to fix what I had done. The pills, Dr. Jenkins...Liam. The damage had been done. That was the easy part. But how would I fix all the little things? The parts of the bigger picture that kept blurring my view with every step I tried to take. It was most certainly fucking complicated.

  Damn surfers. Always keeping it simple.

  When I finally made it back to the house, my nerves were so frazzled that I could barely see straight. I shouldn’t care what he thought, but I did. He had somehow managed to get under my skin, without me even noticing. That was going to be an issue.

  “Liam?” I called out as soon as I stepped through the back door. No sounds, no voices, only unnerving silence answered me. I did a quick search of the house, but he wasn’t there. With no idea where he would have gone, other than work, I grabbed a quick shower and washed off the night’s filth. There was sand in places that made walking or sitting damn uncomfortable.

  Finally, feeling human again, I grabbed some cash and stuffed it in my pocket. There wasn’t much there, but payday was coming, so I wasn’t worried. As I left the house, I tried to remember where the library was. It had been so long since I had been there, but hopefully I’d be able to find it.