Releasing Chaos

by Lexi Ander

  As we passed the sentries, I gave them a brief nod in greeting. Word spread that I'd arrived before we reached the middle of the extensive camp, where we typically practiced. Those who wished to participate in the katas already waited, or fell into step behind us. Several greeted Justus and Neoma by name. The two pups were popular with the warriors, and shamelessly spoiled by the males and she-wolves.

  Warriors formed up and I took my place in the front, facing them. With each word I shouted, the fighters changed their stance, responding with a sharp, "Yah!" At first, I practiced forms with them. Then I roamed the aisles, correcting posture and position when needed. I lost myself to the familiar rhythms. Some of the men had been severely injured, others fed just enough to keep them alive. Walking the lines, I saw the changes in them, the difference in their gazes, the tilt of their chins. Weeks ago, many could barely participate for ten minutes. After constant care and as much food as they could eat, their strength and endurance had increased, along with a pride in themselves that they'd lost. Well, had been taken from them. By the time the exercise concluded, everyone was drenched in sweat, but still had enough energy to muster weary smiles for me. Many shot rueful looks at Justus and Neoma as the two bounced around, mock sword fighting. Even I lamented not having the energy of youth.

  On the way back to the house, Jory threw an arm around my shoulders and I playfully pushed him away. "Don't go rubbing your sweaty pit on me, asshole."

  Jory only laughed and jumped on my back. "Giddy-up horsey!" His antics gave Justus and Neoma the idea Jory and I could carry them back to the house.

  Shoving Jory off my back, I knelt to allow Neoma to climb on. Justus didn't wait for Jory to offer, scaling him like a tree while Jory turned in circles making horsey noises until Justus grabbed a fistful of hair.

  "Now be a good horsey, " Justus said in between Jory's litany of owws.

  I couldn't help but laugh. "Come on, Neoma, let's beat the cantankerous horse Jory to the house."

  "Yeah, he's kinda old," Neoma piped in and giggled when Jory narrowed his eyes at us.

  "I'll show you old," Jory took off at a sprint.

  I ran after him, Neoma and Justus squealing in delight as we raced to the back door. Warriors stopped to watch our antics. I was a step behind Jory when he leaped on to the porch. He raised his hands over his head, pumping his fists in victory.

  "Well, I guess you're still useful," Justus drawled, sliding off Jory's back. Jory squawked with indignation, real or false I couldn't tell, but the pups laughed hard before throwing themselves at him and hugging him.

  "All right, you three," I opened the back door and gestured for them to go in. "Go take your showers and then I want you two and Dawn to pack bags because we're going on a trip."

  The pups yelled excitedly, jumping up and down a couple times before running through the kitchen and down the hall. Jory and I split up. I stepped into the shower to clean quickly before I started gathering everything I thought I'd need for this expedition with Brian.

  Jory, followed by Randy, entered my room as I was pulling on a dark tunic. Seeing Randy up and about without assistance was surprising, and I hurried to help him to a chair.

  "Justus said we're going on a trip," Randy said after releasing a long sigh.

  "I spoke to Corey. I'm going to be gone for several days, and I'm not sure when I'll be back. We agreed you and the kids should stay at Sanctuary until I return. He's sending Tristan's pups to a different location, cycling them through our safe houses until the coronation. Only a select few know how to get to Sanctuary from Bahbelle, and Tristan has a short list of people the Shadow Movers are authorized to take to Sanctuary. You'll be safe there until I return. I'll pack, round up the kids, and then we'll go. Christie and Mary Jane are also coming to watch the pups. Your only job is to get better." Succinctly, I relayed to them Tristan's request.

  Our resources were stretched thin. Especially with the Shadow Movers bringing in those identified as Daniel's ring bearers, marking them as either assassins or True Bloods pretending to be Lycans. The Order of Anat was assisting the Council of Five with the influx of Lycans arriving in Bahbelle to celebrate Tristan's coronation, which scaled back the number of warriors assigned to the ranch. Since I couldn't be here to protect them, I preferred Randy and the pups stay at Sanctuary.

  "But that's not the only thing troubling you." Jory flopped down on my bed, fingers laced behind his head as if he wasn't anticipating my next words.

  Just thinking about what else Tristan had told me caused my stomach to flutter in nervous anticipation. I held Jory's gaze because of all my lifelong friends, only Jory would understand. "Theodore Sullivan is alive."

  Jory's blue eyes grew comically large, watching me as I paced the short distance between the wall in the bed. My wolf whined, pressing against my skin, impatient to be free. Suddenly, I was eager to talk. For the first time since I became an Ophidian, I lamented the loss of my dark hair, because I wanted to pull it out. My hands flexed at my sides, needing something to hold onto.

  "Isn't he the same person Tristan broke from?" Randy asked, his confusion clear.

  "Tristan asked the Goddess Tiamat for a favor, and it seems she granted Theo a second chance, " I said, my voice a dry rasp.

  Where did I fucking begin? I'd kept this secret for so long from most everybody, I felt as if I was cutting deep into myself simply trying to spit out the words. Randy didn't understand, but Jory would. He watched me with sorrow-filled eyes. He was the only one who'd seen me at my worst, who knew the temptation I fought to keep from betraying my friends.

  I hadn't even begun to explain why the presence of Theo rocked me, and already my throat threatened to close. Again, I ran my shaky palm over my shaved skull, my topknot the only bit of resistance. Sitting on the foot of the bed, I leaned my elbows on my knees. I couldn't look at either of them. I'd carried this shame for so long—I thought I'd gotten rid of the useless emotion—and I didn't want them to read it there on my face.

  "Don't go there. You have done nothing wrong." Jory sat up, resting his arm across my shoulders.

  As if sensing how deeply I struggled, Jory began revealing the history only he knew of. "The first year of college, Stan and I went back home for the Thanksgiving holiday. Stan was still dealing with his changing relationship with Gregori."

  I glanced up and Randy nodded. "He told me what happened between the two of you."

  Those days had been hard. The prior summer I'd found Gregori on the side of the road, left for dead by the Magi College. He'd begged me to take him away from Bahbelle, and I spent the summer nursing him back to life. Our relationship had turned sexual and though I loved him like a brother, I couldn't continue sleeping with him. We agreed we'd gone too far and tried to simply be friends again. But that fall I left for college in California. We'd struggled to get back to the place in our friendship before the sex. There were so many moments of awkwardness, and I carried an unwavering guilt for not being who Gregori needed me to be.

  "Bahbelle holds a harvest festival and we—Stan, Tristan, Gregori, and I—we went together. Ushna was coming in the next day, and we planned to have our own get-together, just the five of us, and take a run in the woods. But in the meantime, we thought the party would be fun." Jory trailed off as if he was remembering the night with me.

  The details were still so clear. The noise of the crowd, the smell of the barbecue, and a ball of anticipation sitting in my gut as if subconsciously I knew something would happen that evening. My voice took on a wistful quality as I called up the memory. "That was the first time I saw Theo Sullivan. Alpha Rory had recruited him from the Tribe Uras to be the future alpha of Bahbelle. And everyone was vying for his attention."

  Theo had looked stunning. I'd never seen a more handsome Lycan, and I watched his every move with rising expectation. Jory, Gregori, and Tristan had wandered away to do something, but I hadn't cared. I'd been rooted to the spot, unable to look away. Something within me had risen up and pushed me to i
ntroduce myself to him, to make him see me, only me.

  I swallowed hard. After all this time, the feelings from that night were still so achingly fresh. "I remember the moment when the air turned electric and Theo's head snapped up, his gaze searching the crowd, skipping right over me to land on Tristan." I closed my eyes, trying to block out the recollection, but it was no use. I despised how clear the memory was. My chest ached when I recalled how Theo's gaze devoured one of my best friends, how bitter I was because his attention hadn't been directed at me. Tristan had stared at Theo as if dumbstruck.

  As one, they both excused themselves and left the party separately. I was no fool. I knew they wouldn't end the night alone. For a reason I couldn't understand, they had both broken my heart.

  "What I'd sensed in the air had been their Twin Flame bond flaring to life. I thought everyone else would've felt what I did, but they all went about the party unaware. It was agony watching Tristan and Theo leave, knowing they'd claim each other. I'd never been jealous before that day, and then I was wracked with guilt because I was jealous of my best friend. I had no right. Hell, Randy, I'd only seen Theo from across the room. We hadn't spoken a single word to each other. He wasn't my Twin Flame, but still, I wanted him to be mine—only mine. That night messed up my head. The next morning, I convinced Jory to leave with me, and we returned to California. I couldn't stay… Couldn't watch… I wanted to be happy for Tristan. Finding our Twin Flame is a wondrous occasion."

  Angrily, I scrubbed my hands over my face. The tears I wiped away showed how exposed I was. Randy moved to sit next to me, his shoulder pressing against mine. I took comfort in Jory's and Randy's nearness.

  "Was that your last trip to Bahbelle before Tristan called you back?"

  "No," I rasped. "Spring break, we came to visit. The relationship with Gregori was better, not as strained as it had been. But I was restless, going out alone or only with Jory. Ushna was quiet and moody. Tristan was withdrawn. Everywhere I turned, I kept running into Theo."

  The last visit, I was on my way to Atlanta to blow off some steam when I came across Theo's car on the side of the road. I couldn't leave him out there, so I pulled over. Worried and wary because my emotions seemed to spike when I saw him, I'd walked back to where Theo bent over the engine of his car. Nervous butterflies had partied in my stomach. The scent of Theo under the hot Georgia sun almost physically staggered me. Before I could walk away, he'd turned and stared at me with those huge baby blues. I did help him get his car to the garage, but then I returned to Bahbelle, packed up, and left without telling anyone.

  "If I'd stayed, Theo wouldn't have been the only one who cheated on Tristan. The longer I was around him, the more I wanted him to be mine." Turning to look at Randy, I blinked the water from my eyes. "There was this ugly part of me that didn't care Theo and Tristan were Twin Flames. I wanted him more than anything in the world, and I couldn't explain why. I thought I was going crazy or under some kind of pheromone influence. I'd never betray my friends, and yet, something about Theo compelled me to throw everything away to have him. It was horrible, Randy. I can't even describe how conflicted I was. I ran. There was no one I could talk to. No one to help me figure out what was wrong with me, not Gregori, nor Ushna. If I'd said anything to any one of them, word would have eventually gotten around to Tristan, and I couldn't let him know what kind of bastard I was. I was ashamed enough, and I didn't want to lose his friendship, especially when nothing had happened."

  Jory shook me gently. "I chased Stan back to Cali, demanding he tell me what had made him run. He didn't want to confess, but I hounded him until he gave in. Neither one of us could come up with a reason why Theo had such power over him. I dragged Stan to see a Magi friend of mine and then to see a human witch to make sure he hadn't been spelled. Neither one of them found anything. For years, I watched Stan struggle with guilt and jealousy. It was as if he was going through a constant withdrawal of some kind. I believe the situation gave Xzavier Kimball the opening he needed to capture us in the enchantment."

  I'd never admit it aloud, but there had been a type of relief at being bound. We didn't know we'd been betrayed until we returned to Tristan. Looking back on those years, I could acknowledge the reprieve… the grinding guilt and jealousy had numbed me, and though some days I walked around more like a zombie than a Lycan, I could breathe without the blinding ache eating away at my core."

  "I remember the state you two were in," said Randy. "The enchantment was impressive." He glanced across me to Jory. "You were more vocal about the breaking than Stan was."

  Jory gave a self-deprecating smile. "I was angry with Tristan, knowing how heartbroken Stan had been for years and not being able to do anything about it. Stan made me swear I wouldn't reveal his struggle, but I still lashed out. I know the enchantment exaggerated my emotions, but at the core was my own anger, frustration, and hurt."

  Jory rose from the mattress, crossed to my desk, and toggled his mouse, causing his laptop to wake up. "Tristan speaking so nonchalantly about breaking his bond with Theo pissed me off when I knew Stan woke from nightmares, calling Theo's name. Sure, Stan's attraction to Theo wasn't normal, but he fought to be true to Tristan, even when he heard Theo had been murdered." Jory lifted his gaze to mine. "I heard you cry, mourning him. I'd hoped, with his death, whatever hold he had on you would finally let you go."

  But even then, I'd had a strange connection to Theo. I had not been freed, and I didn't believe I ever would be. Now Tristan had brought Theo back. I'd been living with the firm conviction that there would be no one for me, I wouldn't have a spouse or family. I served the Ophidians and Tristan to the utmost of my ability, would probably die in the process, because I couldn't conceive of any other life. But the moment I'd laid eyes on Theo again, everything I ever wanted with him returned, choking me with renewed hope.

  "I'm afraid," I confessed.

  "Of what? Of Tristan? They aren't anything to each other anymore. Tristan is Theo's sovereign and nothing else." Jory frowned at me as if he expected me to contradict him.

  "I'm scared Theo will turn me away."

  Randy lightly squeezed my thigh. "Well, the key is to not go so fast you scare him off. Take one day at a time." I withheld a derisive snort. Time. Hell, that would be easy. Theo had no idea I existed.

  The one incident in which I spent a small amount of time with Theo, he hadn't made a move on me, and I stayed polite but distant. There was no way Theo would remember that one hour. He'd been more shy than I thought he'd be. Alphas were known to be boisterous and outgoing. In the brief span I'd spent in Theo's company, he wasn't anything like I'd expected. It had been strange to hear he'd cheated on Tristan. I tried to hate him for not being strong enough to put their bond before all else, and yet, when Tristan called Jory and me back, I'd discovered I was also angry with Tristan for abandoning Theo. I'd known how illogical I was being, but my instincts demanded I protect Theo. No one had asked Theo why, or demanded he explain what was going on in his head. I'd wondered if he had any friends, and the more I learned about the situation, the more my heart broke. Theo had been surrounded by so many people, and yet utterly alone. Not that any of my revelations mattered, because by the time Jory and I had returned, Theo was dead, his pups and mate living in Tristan's territory.

  Many despised Theo, but I couldn't. No one would've understood the grief I felt. Hell, I hadn't. Still didn't. I wanted to rail and cry over someone I barely knew, hadn't seen in years, and who by all accounts was a real asshole. The emotions I'd choked down and hidden hadn't made any sense, so I'd bottled them up, going about my business as if nothing had changed. Looking back, it was the worst thing I could've done. I was already struggling with my regret over leaving Gregori, ignoring our friendship, and not returning when both Gregori and Ushna called us for help.

  I didn't remember receiving the phone call when they told us Tristan had broken the bond with Theo. I hated myself for not despising Theo like I should have, for the guilt over the anger I'd harbo
red against Tristan, and for wanting what he had with Theo. Hell, half the things eating me were irrational and just plain wrong or misplaced. I ended up attacking Gregori's lover, Juan Ybarra, in a fit of rage. I came so close to losing Gregori's friendship. Deciding I needed a new direction and focus, I participated in the Ophidian trials, figuring that if I was killed, then perhaps it was for the best. Instead, I returned home as an Adon of the Ophidians. The shame and anger had all been stripped from me. I walked away a new man, a better man. Then I saw Theo at Sanctuary and I was thrown back to a past I thought I'd left behind. The desire to go to him rose stronger than I remembered.

  "I want him," I confessed. "Even knowing everything I do, I still want to know him."

  Randy gave a throaty chuckle. "You've never gone about anything the easy way, have you? Tristan told you Theo left all he used to be behind him. This is his clean slate. Perhaps you should find out what that means, get to know the person behind the reputation. It seems Tristan has forgiven him, and I don't see why he would begrudge Theo any happiness. But you need to make sure this is what you want. From where I'm sitting, something seems to be driving you, and I think you should look into it. You need to talk to Tristan, come clean with him."

  Internally, I winced. Randy was right. Instead of rising tension, something eased in me at the thought of telling Tristan everything, but it wouldn't be now. I needed to prepare and get back to Sanctuary to meet up with Brian and the hunters.

  Jory's phone rang and he answered, speaking softly after he greeted Captain Samuel Mercer.