Bear With Me

by Jessica Redland

  That intense look was there again. ‘You, Jemma.’

  Time seemed to slow down. The chatter, laughter and clinks of glasses faded into the background and it felt like there were just the two of us in a bubble on our own. A bubble that I was about to burst.

  ‘Me? But why? We’re just friends.’

  ‘Why?’ He looked amused. ‘Do you want me to list the reasons?’

  I shook my head quickly. I didn’t want to hear it. All I could hear in my head was Scott’s voice when he reappeared, telling me how I’d mesmerised him. It had just been a line. One last line for one last shag before he went back to his cosy family life and left me broken in two yet again.

  Picking up my drink, I glugged on it, just like Sam had done with his moments before.

  ‘It’s not real,’ I said. ‘You only think we’re more than friends because I’ve helped you with Nikki. You’re grateful. That’s all. You’ve come out of the dark and you’re confusing gratitude for something else.’

  ‘It’s not that,’ Sam said.

  ‘It is.’

  ‘It isn’t. I wondered that myself at first. I’ve spent all week thinking about you and the possibility of us. I am grateful for everything you’ve done to help me move on, but somewhere in the midst of that, I started to fall for you.’

  ‘Shit!’

  He wrinkled his nose. ‘Am I that repulsive?’

  ‘No! Sorry. I didn’t mean to say that aloud. I’m… I don’t… Oh my God, Sam, I completely didn’t see this coming. I really didn’t. I don’t know what to say.’

  ‘That somewhere in the midst of it all, you’ve fallen for me too?’ He shook his head. ‘I’m joking. Bad joke, obviously. Never was my strong point. Look, Jem, you don’t have to say anything. I’m not expecting any declarations of undying devotion. I’m not even expecting you to say that you maybe could see me as something more than a friend in the future, but I promised you an explanation as to why I ran off–’

  ‘Ran off and ignored me for a week.’

  He smiled. ‘Yes, an explanation as to why I ran off and ignored you for a week. So there it is. Cards on the table. I would love to take you out on a date and kiss you goodnight and see where this takes us, but I know I’m not the only one who’s been hurt. Just because I’m ready, I know it doesn’t mean that you are too. And, if you were, it doesn’t mean I’m the one for you either.’

  I nibbled on my thumbnail, wondering how to respond.

  ‘Another drink?’ Sam asked.

  ‘Yes please!’

  ‘You won’t run away while I’m at the bar, will you? A kind of revenge scarper?’

  I smiled. ‘It’s tempting, but another pint of that Gunpowder Plot is even more tempting so I promise to stay put. Besides, running away is your speciality, Dr Jones. Your superhero superpower perhaps?’

  ‘Ooh, harsh. But fair.’

  Sam made his way to the bar while I downed the remnants of my pint. Wow! I had completely not seen that coming, even after Leah had suggested he had the hots for me. How had I missed it? Probably because I just assumed that he was grieving for Nikki and would continue to do so for a long time, so there was no way he’d want to move on. I watched him leaning on the bar. He was side-on to me and must have registered that he was being watched because he turned around and gave me the most dazzling smile. My stomach flipped again and I quickly looked away. When I turned back, Sam was placing his order. I drank him in and, for the first time, it struck me that he wasn’t just easy on the eye as I’d originally thought; he was seriously hot. He was certainly attracting admiring looks from several women. Could I see him as a boyfriend? After Scott, could I risk letting anyone in again? And so soon? I was still grieving the loss of my fiancé, friend, and future. Was I ready for a new future?

  ‘Another Gunpowder Plot,’ Sam said, handing me the fresh pint. ‘I went for the same as you this time.’

  ‘Sam, I–’

  ‘You don’t have to say anything.’

  ‘I want to. You’ve been honest with me and I want to the same. I’m really flattered and I know that this is a huge step for you…’

  ‘But…?’

  ‘But I had no idea you saw me as anything more than a friend…’

  ‘Neither did I until Sunday. It kind of crept up on me.’

  I sipped on my beer whilst trying to find the right words. ‘I really like you, Sam, but I haven’t thought about you in that way. I don’t know if that’s because I’m still in love with Scott, or whether it’s because I never let myself think of you like that because I thought you were still in love with Nikki. I can’t believe I just said that. Of course you’re still in love with Nikki. You always will be. That’s not what I meant. Oh God, I’m making such a mess of this.’

  Sam placed his hand over mine and looked into my eyes. I felt instantly comforted. ‘I know what you mean,’ he said. ‘You didn’t think I was ready to move on so it’s as though I was off limits. Like looking at a married man and knowing you can’t go there. Unless you’re Kirsty, of course, in which case you see that as an exciting challenge.’

  I smiled. ‘You always say the right thing.’

  ‘Not always. I don’t know if telling you how I feel was the right thing.’

  His hand was still holding mine. I squeezed it. ‘You did the right thing.’

  ‘Just at the wrong time?’ he suggested.

  I shrugged. ‘You ran away when you realised you had feelings for me. You’ve had six days to get your head around this but I’ve had no thinking time. Can you bear with me while I work out what I feel?’

  ‘It’s not a no, then?’

  ‘It’s not a yes, either. But it’s definitely a possibility.’

  He lifted my hand to his lips and gently kissed it, sending tingles along my arm and through my body. ‘Thank you.’

  ‘So, how long are you up for?’ I asked, eager to change the subject before I lunged across the table and kissed him.

  ‘A week. Which means I can meet with your mum if she’s still up for it.’

  ‘You’d still do that? I got nowhere with the hospital and I’ve been that busy sorting out the mess at the shop that I haven’t been able to chase it again.’

  We chatted about my first week as Deputy Head Bear-Keeper at Bear With Me (fab new job title), what had happened with Mum when I’d returned to Bear’s Pad on Sunday afternoon, and how much Tiff, Leah and Drew were missing me. Apparently Tiff and Drew had demanded that Sam joined them for an after-work drink on Wednesday and all they’d talked about was how empty the flat was without me and how they couldn’t wait to come up and visit.

  ‘Aw, I miss them too,’ I said. ‘Please send my love next time you see them. I Skyped Leah on Tuesday and she insisted I make her a Ju-Sea Jem Bear so she can always have part of me close-by. I was making two for my boss, Owen, so I’ve paused those and I’ve started on Leah’s. I should have it finished before you go back so you could maybe deliver it for me.’

  Sam smiled. ‘Removals, courier, relationship advice. So many businesses to run. I had no idea Thor would turn out to be such a versatile campervan.’

  Picturing Thor, I said, ‘Will you manage to get much surfing done while you’re here or is it too cold?’

  ‘Cold? It’s never too cold for a true surfer. We have to say that because, to be honest, the North Sea’s always bloody freezing, summer or winter. We just need thicker wetsuits in the winter and shorter stints. Hopefully, yes, although the sea was really calm today so would have been rubbish. If the swell gets up later in the week, I’ll get out. You should come with me.’

  ‘Er, no! Have you seen the temperature forecast for this week? If I’m ever getting on a surfboard, it will not be in minus figures. Other than surfing, what do you have planned?’

  ‘Meeting up with Stevie Barnes and Rob Harris hopefully.’

  ‘No! Y
ou got in touch?’

  Sam told me about running into Stevie on the seafront shortly before meeting me. I was so pleased for him to have an opportunity to face up to his past again.

  A taxi arrived for us shortly after eleven and, as I stood up, I wobbled unsteadily. How many pints had I had? Four? Five? Oops. Sam put his arm around my shoulder to steady me and I snuggled into his chest, breathing in a manly mixture of shower gel, deodorant and bonfires.

  I watched out of the taxi window while Sam dozed beside me. I keep sneaking sideways glances at him, wondering what it would be like to kiss someone who wasn’t Scott. Sam’s lips twitched slightly as his head lolled to the side. I imagined my lips touching his and a shiver of pleasure rippled down my spine. Stop it! It’s the drink.

  When the taxi pulled up outside Mum’s cottage, Sam awoke with a jolt. ‘Where are we?’

  ‘Bear’s Pad.’

  ‘Can you give me five minutes?’ he asked the driver, letting himself out of the vehicle and rushing round to my side.

  ‘What are you doing?’ I asked.

  ‘Walking you to your door.’

  ‘It’s Little Sandby. I don’t think I’ll get held up by knifepoint walking up the drive.’

  ‘You might get spiked by a hedgehog or stared at by a fox.’

  I wasn’t going to win the argument so I indicated that he should follow me.

  Keys at the ready, I stepped onto the doorstop and turned to face him. ‘Safely home. You were right. It was a perilous journey full of spiky hedgehogs, intimidating foxes, and stroppy badgers. Barely made it past them alive.’

  Sam smiled. ‘That last badger nearly got you, you know. If I hadn’t been here to protect you…’

  ‘Aw. My superhero again.’

  There was silence for a moment. I knew I should turn around, unlock the door, and say goodnight, but my feet were rooted to the spot.

  ‘I’ll send you a text about seeing Mum,’ I said.

  He nodded. ‘I’m pretty flexible so whatever works best for her.’

  ‘She’ll really appreciate it. Thank you.’

  The keys were digging into my palm yet I still couldn’t seem to bring myself to turn around and go inside.

  ‘I’d better go,’ Sam said. ‘Might take some time to battle the night creatures and that taxi driver’s probably getting impatient.’

  ‘Okay. Off you go.’

  ‘I’m going.’

  ‘Go on, then.’

  Sam smiled. ‘Night, Jemma.’

  ‘Night, Sam.’

  And then it happened. He leaned across and gently brushed his lips against mine. He held them there and I closed my eyes for a moment, only opening them when he pulled away.

  ‘You have no idea how much I wanted to take that further,’ he said.

  ‘I wanted that too,’ I admitted. ‘But I don’t know whether that’s the beer talking. Bear with me, Sam. I just need a bit of time.’

  ‘I know. Night,’ He leaned forward and kissed me on the cheek this time. ‘Right, I really am going before I try something stupid. Sleep well.’

  He waved as the taxi pulled away a few moments later. I waved back then found myself touching my lips where I could still feel that soft kiss. I had a hell of a lot of thinking to do.

  Chapter 33

  Sam

  ‘How did it go last night?’ Mum asked over breakfast the next morning.

  ‘Not as good as I hoped, but better than I expected.’

  ‘That sounds a bit cryptic.’

  I pushed my empty cereal bowl aside. ‘I told Jemma that I’ve got feelings for her.’

  ‘You do? Oh, that’s wonderful, Sammy.’

  ‘You don’t think it’s too soon?’

  ‘Who can predict when love will knock on the door again. You can’t put a timescale on these things. What did she say?’

  ‘She’s not sure yet. She was in a relationship. He asked her to marry him, and then she found out that he was already married with twins. She’s had a tough few months.’

  ‘The poor girl. Why do people do things like that?’

  I shrugged. ‘I asked Kirsty that and she just said, “because I can”. I guess some people have a different moral compass from the rest of us.’

  Mum curled her lip. ‘I never did like that one. How did you leave it with Jemma?’

  ‘She asked me to bear with her while she thought about it.’

  ‘She’s probably scared of getting hurt again,’ Mum said.

  ‘I know. And she’s probably worried that it’s a rebound thing for me.’

  ‘But it isn’t?’

  ‘No, it isn’t. I spent all week asking myself that.’

  Mum reached across and patted my arm. ‘I’m so happy for you, Sammy. Even if Jemma isn’t the one, I’m glad that you’re in that place now where you can think about someone new. I was worried about you. We all were.’

  ‘I know. You don’t need to be worried anymore. I’m back.’

  She sipped on her coffee. ‘You don’t have to go to Jack and Millie’s for lunch if you’d rather see Jemma.’

  I smiled. ‘That’s not exactly giving her time, is it? She knows where I am. When she’s ready, she’ll get in touch.’

  Sunday lunch at Jack and Millie’s was loud, frantic, and messy. Connie kept trying to wriggle free from her booster seat and seemed to think that grabbing handfuls of peas and hurling them across the table was hilarious. Actually, it was, especially when they kept disappearing down Millie’s cleavage. Saffron banged noisily on the tray of her highchair and managed to wear more food than she ate. I realised guiltily that Sunday lunch the week before had been a very sombre affair, thanks to my dark mood. I’ll bet nobody had wanted to say anything in case I had a strop, sped back to London, and stayed away even longer next time.

  We moved into the lounge for coffee while Jack and Millie disappeared with a child each to clean and change. While they were gone, my phone beeped, setting my pulse racing. Jemma? But it wasn’t her.

  * From Stevie

  If you’re free tomorrow night, do you fancy meeting Rob and me at The White Horse? About 7.30?

  * To Stevie

  No plans. Look forward to it

  ‘Was that Jemma?’ Mum asked.

  I shook my head. ‘No, but it was good news.’ I put the phone down on the chair arm while I told her and Dad about bumping into Stevie.

  ‘That’s wonderful news,’ Mum said. ‘It was such a shame when you all lost touch. I suppose going away to university can do that to friendships.’

  I’d never told my parents why we’d fallen out, but I decided to come clean.

  ‘We all say thing we wish we could un-say,’ Mum said when I’d finished. ‘Which is why it’s a good thing that Jemma didn’t promise you anything yesterday when she wasn’t sure if she could keep that promise. I like her already.’

  ‘Like who already?’ Jack asked, returning to the lounge with a clean Connie wedged under his arm.

  ‘My friend, Jemma. Long story.’

  I was saved from explaining it by Connie squealing and begging to be put down.

  ‘If I put you down, do you promise to stay clean for at least an hour?’ Jack asked her.

  ‘Put me down!’

  ‘Not until you promise.’

  ‘Promise.’

  He put her down, but only after he’d dangled her upside down by her ankles first, resulting in more squealing.

  Millie appeared with Saffron. ‘Who’s being murdered in here?’

  ‘Daddy made me downside up,’ Connie shouted.

  ‘Ooh, naughty daddy,’ Millie said, playfully bobbing him on the arm with Saffron’s feet.

  ‘Look at me!’ Connie cried. She stuffed a cushion up her dress and wandered around the lounge patting it. ‘I’m Mummy.’

 
; ‘Stop it, Connie,’ Millie snapped, lunging for her daughter.

  Connie was too fast and ran to the other side of the room. ‘I’m Mummy, I’m Mummy,’ she chanted.

  ‘Connie! Stop it now,’ Jack said, a sharp edge to his voice.

  Mum stood up, grabbed Connie, and removed the cushion, giving her a stern look.

  ‘What’s going on?’ I asked. ‘She’s only playing. It’s not like Millie’s fat.’

  ‘I want a brother this time,’ Connie said, stamping her feet.

  Oh! So Jack had got what he wanted. ‘You’re pregnant?’ I asked, looking from Millie to Jack, then back to Millie.

  ‘I’m sorry, Sam. We were going to tell you.’ Millie’s cheeks were flushed bright red and she looked mortified.

  ‘Congratulations,’ I said, hoping I looked and sounded genuinely thrilled for them. ‘Am I missing something? Isn’t this good news?’

  ‘Yes,’ Millie said. ‘Well, no, actually, because I didn’t want another so soon, but I’ve got used to the idea. It’s just that…’

  Jack squeezed Millie’s hand as she looked up at him for help. He said, ‘It’s just that… well… this Friday… you know.’

  ‘No! Jesus! What are the pair of you like? Yes, it’s the anniversary of Nikki’s death, and yes it’s going to be a difficult day, but life goes on. Quite literally in your case. You don’t need to hide stuff like this from me.’ Again, I hoped I sounded convincing. My heart was thumping and my stomach had started churning.

  Millie wiped at her eyes. ‘You’re sure it’s not insensitive talking about our new life when… you know?’

  ‘Honestly, Millie, it’s fine. Really exciting. When’s number three due?’

  ‘21st May.’

  My heart raced even faster. ‘What date was that?’

  ‘21st May,’ Jack said. ‘Are you okay? Sam? You don’t look good.’

  ‘21st May,’ I muttered. ‘21st May.’

  I was aware of them all staring at me, questioning the relevance of the date. Because they didn’t know. Nobody knew. I hadn’t told anyone and I should have done. They’d had a right to know.

  ‘Sorry,’ I said, scrambling to my feet. ‘I need to go.’